"Where is this relationship going?" - [How Do You Ask?]

[BronzyBella]

Hi everyone,

I've been casually seeing someone for several months now. We kind of have a history together, meaning he's my ex from YEARS ago (please hold your boos and hisses til the end. LOL)

Anyway, we've somewhat settled into a routine where we're doing the same things over and over like an old couple. He'll always make time for me but all we do is chill (watch TV or movies) or hit up the mall/grocery store.

He identifies as single and so do I. We are in no way a couple/committed to each other.

I love him to death. He's sweet, easygoing, sensitive, funny, etc. I'm just tired of things being so casual (we aren't even close enough to talk on the phone daily/every other day ). I'm also somewhat bored w/ the level of routine we've settled into. Lastly, it hurts me to know he's sleeping with and flirting with other women.

Basically, I want to talk about these feelings without scaring him off/putting him on the defensive. I can't see myself doing this for the long run and feel like if he won't express his core feelings for me/work on being closer (IF he even wants that) that I don't want to spend time with him anymore.

How do you start the "How do you feel about me?" "How do you see us?" "Where are we going?" conversation? Is this type of conversation even appropriate?

 

[FelaShrine]

You might wanna start dating others or give the illusion that you are thus being too busy to be around him so much..when he notices that withdrawl..he will most likely ask

 

[Keshieshimmer]

I am no expert but I say why do you even need to ask? Clearly if he was feeling you for a serious relationship he would had already locked you down. I would do what FelaShrine said and just date other people.

But I must ask when you started to date again what were your intentions? If you did not make them plain to him, he thinks that he has all the time to keep you. Guys get comfortable way to easily.

 

[BronzyBella]

I am no expert but I say why do you even need to ask? Clearly if he was feeling you for a serious relationship he would had already locked you down. I would do what FelaShrine said and just date other people.

But I must ask when you started to date again what were your intentions? If you did not make them plain to him, he thinks that he has all the time to keep you. Guys get comfortable way to easily.

When we started seeing each other again it was because we had both started working from home AND because he recently moved to my end of the city.

To be honest, I wasn't expecting anything to come of it at first, just needed some company. Then I started to see some positive characteristics in him that weren't there before (increased consideration, patience, being non-judgemental, accommodating, etc.). I thought it might be a temporary thing similar to the honeymoon phase, but several months later, he's even more so.

That's basically what makes me want to have a closer relationship with him/see if we can try the "relationship"/couple thing again.

The egotistical side of me tells myself he hasn't made a real move because I was the one who broke it off years back and not in the most considerate way. He brought it up for closure purposes and I'd like to think he's "over it".

The realist side of me says that when he told me several months back that he was happy being single, I should have gone on just that and nothing else.

 

[*CherryPie*]

Those wonderful characteristics weren't there before because you were his girlfriend. Now you're experiencing the "friend" traits in him. If he's sleeping with other women he don't see you as a girlfriend. I hope you're not sleeping with him knowing all of this. Move on and find someone else. He doesn't want a relationship, or he would've said so. He's having a good old comfy time hanging out and sleeping with you. Got his cake and eating it too.

When we started seeing each other again it was because we had both started working from home AND because he recently moved to my end of the city.

To be honest, I wasn't expecting anything to come of it at first, just needed some company. Then I started to see some positive characteristics in him that weren't there before (increased consideration, patience, being non-judgemental, accommodating, etc.). I thought it might be a temporary thing similar to the honeymoon phase, but several months later, he's even more so.

That's basically what makes me want to have a closer relationship with him/see if we can try the "relationship"/couple thing again.

The egotistical side of me tells myself he hasn't made a real move because I was the one who broke it off years back and not in the most considerate way. He brought it up for closure purposes and I'd like to think he's "over it".

The realist side of me says that when he told me several months back that he was happy being single, I should have gone on just that and nothing else.

 

[AHeadOfCoils]

Well, how do you know that he's sleeping with other women?

 

[BobbieDoll]

I think it is an appropriate conversation to have. IMO there is no easy way to ask that question or a certain way to approach it, just come straight out as ask. If he gets mad and doesn't want to talk about it then you pretty much have your answer. What do you have to lose?

 

[BronzyBella]

Well, how do you know that he's sleeping with other women?

I'm just assuming. It's something I would never have the nerve to ask him. However, he says the longest he can go without having sex is 2 months and, me being celibate, he's not getting it from me.

 

[AHeadOfCoils]

I'm just assuming. It's something I would never have the nerve to ask him. However, he says the longest he can go without having sex is 2 months and, me being celibate, he's not getting it from me.

See, that brings a lot of things into perspective.

He likes you enough to hang out with you on a friend level and not have sex. That's a good thing. Like everyone else said, it's time you flat out ask him how he feels about you.

You might be love what he has to say or you might not, but at least you will know.

Good Luck! I'm hoping for a good outcome!!

 

[BobbieDoll]

I'm just assuming. It's something I would never have the nerve to ask him. However, he says the longest he can go without having sex is 2 months and, me being celibate, he's not getting it from me.

I think just off that alone you should leave him alone. If he truly can't go that long even if you do start a relationship with him and you still choose to be celibate then there is potential for cheating.

Also if you are considering being in a relationship with him then you should not be afraid to ask him anything.

 

[FelaShrine]

I dont think you should ask diddy squat

Just cut down the time with him way back

 

[Fine 4s]

As you get older, you tend to cut out the fat a lot quicker. From your other posts, I remember you are in your early 20's correct? If so, I understand where you are. I made lots of mistakes around that time

All I know is that, if a man wants you...he wants you and you never ever have to wonder. Never be scared of the answer. The sooner you know, the sooner you can exit or plan your next move.

If you do wonder that's enough to disconnect. If its premature, he'll be back and then you can ask what you want. Assuming you know. Do you want to be with him?

 

[BronzyBella]

As you get older, you tend to cut out the fat a lot quicker. From your other posts, I remember you are in your early 20's correct? If so, I understand where you are. I made lots of mistakes around that time

All I know is that, if a man wants you...he wants you and you never ever have to wonder. Never be scared of the answer. The sooner you know, the sooner you can exit or plan your next move.

If you do wonder that's enough to disconnect. If its premature, he'll be back and then you can ask what you want. Assuming you know. Do you want to be with him?

I'm not in my 20s anymore but made a lot of posts on LHCF when I was... Then took a break from LHCF... and dating. At this point, I just want to be closer to him. I'm not sure what it would be like if we were in an actual relationship again, but I'd like to see.

 

[deltagyrl]

I think it's fine to have a conversation about your status just to hear him say it aloud. If he wanted to be a couple, trust me, you'd be a couple.

I think you should scale way back in the 'time spent together' department and see other people. If wants you, he'll come get you.

 

[StarScream35]

I remember when I was in my 20's, I was often terrified of asking guys about the status of relationships because I feared losing what we had but now, I'm not afraid. You deserve to know what's up and therefore should inquire. I know you are afraid of losing him but your loses become even greater when you don't address things. Always remember that!

 

[Damaged but not out]

I ask directly. " where is this going, what are we doing"

2 times, 1 positive result.

 

[LovelyRo]

If you want to know OP, go ahead and ask. Just stand your ground. If what he wants isn't what you want, be prepared to walk away and actually stick with it. I casually dated someone back in college for over a year and we had several "talks" and instead of walking away when he told me that he didn't want what I wanted, I made the decision to stick around wayyyyyy longer than I should have!

 

[PeaceFlow]

JMO.

Try and move on. Several months in the casual category, still not contacting each other regularly, he's fooling around with others?erplexed

He's told you by actions. He's not into just being with you, or seeing you more often.

If you do ask him whats popping there's a high likelyhood, even if he did upgrade you to SO, it would be a temporary with an expiry date and not representing a true long term future. Also since he doesn't like you enough to drop the other women at this point, how would you trust him in a relationship with you.

Please date others and find a guy that likes you straight up, cant wait to contact you, doesn't want to sleep with anyone else etc...

 

[brightest12day]

^^^Totally agree. I understand having some residual feelings left over for an ex, but um...you need to cut ties & move on. People tend to exaggerate "the good times" in hindsight but there are reason(s) you didn't work out the first time around and very likely, several reasons why he hasn't made any concrete efforts to validate the current "relationship" you have. You teach people how to treat you, and if you've been ok with casually hanging out for the last few months, afraid to even ASK him a crucial question like that, I really don't see anything coming down the line but heartache (on your part).

Good luck with whatever you choose to do.

 

[melophone13]

I needed to read those last two posts. Thank you, ladies!

 

[Evolving78]

I dont think you should ask diddy squat

Just cut down the time with him way back

i agree. there is nothing to ask. you need fall back with your time. all this time with him is blocking you from something or someone else.

 

[Southernbella.]

^^^Totally agree. I understand having some residual feelings left over for an ex, but um...you need to cut ties & move on. People tend to exaggerate "the good times" in hindsight but there are reason(s) you didn't work out the first time around and very likely, several reasons why he hasn't made any concrete efforts to validate the current "relationship" you have. You teach people how to treat you, and if you've been ok with casually hanging out for the last few months, afraid to even ASK him a crucial question like that, I really don't see anything coming down the line but heartache (on your part).

Good luck with whatever you choose to do.

I agree. It sounds like you're using each other for comfort and affection. That would be fine if you were happy with just that, but you obviously want more. If he wanted more, he would have told you by now. I see nothing wrong with being upfront, but at this point, given your beliefs, it's probably best to move on.

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