When you decide a relationship is over....
- Thread starter Maynard
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foxxymami
Well-Known Member
Hmmm....well I don't know if I could stay with a new ex boyfriend, but I know people that've done it.....they'll break up but live with the ex for a few more months so that they can save money, find a house, etc. all of that stuff. If you feel like you can't just up and go find a place to live and all that, maybe you could just make arrangements beforehand. But then again, that brings me to another thought......it's not exactly like a divorce, ya know? Depending on how long the two people have been together, it really shouldn't be hard to pick up, separate, and move on (not emotionally speaking).
So, overall I probably would just make a clean break with a little bit of pre-planning before I mention it to him
So, overall I probably would just make a clean break with a little bit of pre-planning before I mention it to him
SqrpioQutie
Well-Known Member
i've been pretty fortunate in that if i was getting rid of someone and they were living with me, it was always my place so i called the shots... i was generally nice enough to say hey, you might want to find somewhere else to stay, i'm done with ya.. and they got a couple of weeks or so... although, apparently, if they've been there for a certain amount of time, it's apparently illegal (in VA anyway) to put the out w/out a 30 day notice...
if the shoe was on the other foot, and i saw the breakup coming, i'd take precautions so that i could get out on my own w/out issues... but in a pinch, i'd make sure i had someone to help me out for a little bit (fam, best friend, etc..)
if the shoe was on the other foot, and i saw the breakup coming, i'd take precautions so that i could get out on my own w/out issues... but in a pinch, i'd make sure i had someone to help me out for a little bit (fam, best friend, etc..)
audacious1
New Member
Isn't months in advance just smarter? Or at least have a plan for where you could stay if you needed to get out like yesterday.
Maynard
Well-Known Member
Planning my exit strategy feels so....EVIL...I dunno...maybe cause he has NO CLUE...
MizzBrown
Well-Known Member
Oh my gosh SUERTE! EXPLAIN! if you could please..you sure he has no clue? What was the straw that broke the camel's back? How are you gonna hide the finances?
My mom always told me not to let the "left hand" know what the "right hand" is doing and Wendy Williams taught me to ALWAYS have "Fcuk You" Money so that you CAN make a clean, easy break.
My mom always told me not to let the "left hand" know what the "right hand" is doing and Wendy Williams taught me to ALWAYS have "Fcuk You" Money so that you CAN make a clean, easy break.
Extremus
Well-Known Member
I like that
Maynard
Well-Known Member
I definitely agree, Mama taught me that...I have the F you money and then some...
Just putting the wheels in motion is what is killing me...
Suerte
New Member
I mean... he knows that I'm not happy. I made the decision to go back to school (since I can't work a legit job for several more years anyways) and he was so not happy about that but eventually he came around because "As long as it's something legal and positive...do you." Is kind of his motto.
The living transition thing involves me staying in the old folk's/masters/married folk's dorm sunday-wednesday nights "because it's easier than driving over an hour, yadda yadda". He is adjusting to that semi-decently as long as I talk him to sleep until 3am.
The finances thing... he has a legit 6 figure job + a vending machine company and some other hustles. I have X amount of money I get a year from a family settlement and whatever money I hustle up. So basically things are still the same. I make my money, he makes his money...he supports me and I keep my money. He is really stupid and seriously thinks I spend $1,000 on a hairstyle (I got an integration thingie one time that cost that much so I use that as the set amount). So the finances really aren't a problem unless he gets sneaky and runs my credit or something. But even then, my creditors are the same...reasons are different, companies are the same.
I kinda decided in 2004 that he was not gonna be the man I married. I was doing some other things...he was doing some other things...we have an agreement and our agreement works for us ....for now. BUT... he is the "make my girl fat/try to trap her with a baby so someone will always love me" type. Big fight...take me out to dinner/dessert in the bed. That type. I've packed on 100lbs with his ***. In the past he dated larger sized clear chicks. So this is a pattern....I'm stepping out of it. Thank GOD I take my BC and know my cycle like a Nazi hates Jews or else I woulda got caught up. If I have a fever, take antibiotics, take sinus medication, throw up, drink too much water one day, whatever...I make him wear a condom or I just "mic check" for a week until I feel like my BC is back at 100%
BASICALLY... I'm trying to get myself in shape, shake this last bit of depression I have cuz it's been 7 years since my dad died and 3 years since I almost lost my life over some BS and I am tryign to tell myself...tomorrow is going to come, so I need to be prepared for it and stop living in the last decade (mentally).
Like Wendy Williams said... smaller chicks with their ish together have more options. It's sad but true. And when my F-U money starts with a 2(X,XXX) and my weight starts with a 1(XX) then I'll be out.
MizzBrown
Well-Known Member
SUERTE,
In the words of Flavor Flav, "Woooooowwwwww!" LOL Good luck with everything though seriously.
I'm not even married or close to it but I am working on my Fcuk You money as well and although I aint the skinniest person or quite on the plus-plus size, there's always some female out there who will have more options so I'M DECIDING when the relationship is over too!
In the words of Flavor Flav, "Woooooowwwwww!" LOL Good luck with everything though seriously.
I'm not even married or close to it but I am working on my Fcuk You money as well and although I aint the skinniest person or quite on the plus-plus size, there's always some female out there who will have more options so I'M DECIDING when the relationship is over too!
ichephren
New Member
Umm, I hate to sound like the voice of dissent, but I'm not understanding what this man has done that is sooo wrong. He makes a bunch of money that he spends on you and allows you to save yours. He wants to talk to you till 3am when you are away. He buys you dinner and desserts to clear up a fight, and has sex with you. Forgive me, but none of these are sins.
Basically it sounds to me like you're using him for his money and you blame him for your weight gain. I'm very sorry to say this, but unless he strapped you down to a chair and force fed you, he is not responsible for you gaining 100lbs. Many women gain weight in relationships as men encourage us to eat, and they usually pay for the food. If you dislike him so much and you are not married to the man, why not leave him alone?
Maybe I am not understanding. If so, I do apologize.
Basically it sounds to me like you're using him for his money and you blame him for your weight gain. I'm very sorry to say this, but unless he strapped you down to a chair and force fed you, he is not responsible for you gaining 100lbs. Many women gain weight in relationships as men encourage us to eat, and they usually pay for the food. If you dislike him so much and you are not married to the man, why not leave him alone?
Maybe I am not understanding. If so, I do apologize.
KatKronicles
New Member
Do what you think is best, but usually all those cliche saying and good grief advice from wendy williams ?
If its time for you to leave, LEAVE. You staying there to milk the situation is just going to bring a bunch of negative karma your way. No thing is free. Man up and go, if its time.
If its time for you to leave, LEAVE. You staying there to milk the situation is just going to bring a bunch of negative karma your way. No thing is free. Man up and go, if its time.
Suerte
New Member
The thing is... he is generally a good guy. Sometimes I am torn because I love him...but I really am starting to not like him. Sometimes he is just so clueless about my feelings. He will be my shoulder to cry on...but have no idea of what I said or why I was mad. His dad beat his mom horribly while he was young and I know that caused a little break in him. When a woman is upset or crying he just kinda shuts off. Even sad movies or TV shows he just cuts off. You can actually see the lights go off. He disassociates himself with upset/sad/angry females partially as a coping mechanism but also so he never gets mad like his dad did. He is gonna be great for some other chick but not me. It's a whooooooole lot of little things that make for like 2 or 3 big issues that I know I can't raise kids in or spend my life in. Outside of him being a tad controlling/sabatoging.... and the fact that he loves his job like it's one of his own limbs.... and the fact that I can say something to him being 100% honest and he will dismiss it and not take it seriously.... it's a handfull of irritations that are obviously never gonna change so while I can tolerate it NOW cuz of the benefits.... it's not something I can live with forever.
LOL... no way in hell that I blame that man for my weight gain. Come with me to Wendy's and I'll show you why
I don't know why it sounds like I blame him. He helped facilitate it, yes. I had already gained about 30lbs from my normal weight when I started dating him after eating Dominoes non stop to cope with my dad's passing. I'm an emotional eater. HOWEVER... he did see a weakness in me and facilitate that. Same thing if I had a drug addiction and he always provided me drugs. It's a form of him trying to keep me on a leash/drive me further into a problem. Some men like a certain type of chick. He happens to have a prefrence for meaty white girls. I'm never gonna be a meaty white girl so at least he can get the meaty part. Some men will get a chick to start running if he is a runner...so he has someone to run with. Some men will get a chick into travelling...so he has someone to travel with.I wish someone else would come up in here and share their story so I can stop sharing mines without seeming like I clammed up all of a sudden
tenjoy
Well-Known Member
The thing is... he is generally a good guy. Sometimes I am torn because I love him...but I really am starting to not like him. Sometimes he is just so clueless about my feelings. He will be my shoulder to cry on...but have no idea of what I said or why I was mad. His dad beat his mom horribly while he was young and I know that caused a little break in him. When a woman is upset or crying he just kinda shuts off. Even sad movies or TV shows he just cuts off. You can actually see the lights go off. He disassociates himself with upset/sad/angry females partially as a coping mechanism but also so he never gets mad like his dad did. He is gonna be great for some other chick but not me. It's a whooooooole lot of little things that make for like 2 or 3 big issues that I know I can't raise kids in or spend my life in. Outside of him being a tad controlling/sabatoging.... and the fact that he loves his job like it's one of his own limbs.... and the fact that I can say something to him being 100% honest and he will dismiss it and not take it seriously.... it's a handfull of irritations that are obviously never gonna change so while I can tolerate it NOW cuz of the benefits.... it's not something I can live with forever.
LOL... no way in hell that I blame that man for my weight gain. Come with me to Wendy's and I'll show you why
I wish someone else would come up in here and share their story so I can stop sharing mines without seeming like I clammed up all of a sudden
There is nothing worse than when a guy "just dont get it"............and stay away from the Baconators girl, those things are the devil!
Suerte
New Member
:blush3:
envybeauty
New Member
Suerte I understand. Sometimes its the little things in a relationship that are hard to explain to others. If you were to say he pushed me against a wall, then others would understand with a quickness. But to express that he doesn't listen, others just don't get it.
Do what you have to do and take your time. Nothing like moving on before your time just to end up struggling to catch up.
Do what you have to do and take your time. Nothing like moving on before your time just to end up struggling to catch up.
Sasha Fierce
Active Member
Hi Smitge
If you have money/resources to leave and get your own space, why not just go ahead and leave? You can work on your body/mind/spirit in your own space away from this guy.
ichephren
New Member
Let's flip the switch. Say a man is unsatisfied with his lady b/c she's an emotionally withdrawn workaholic and refuses to give fellatio. He realizes that she does this as a coping mechanism because of emotional problems. Despite knowing this, instead of leaving her, he devises a 2yr plan to ditch her, while she pays for all his bills. In the meantime, although she's a workaholic, she takes care if him. Now, I would say that man is an ass.
If a SO has issues, talk to them about what you cannot tolerate and if they do not change to your satisfaction, leave. Do not string the person on for years allowing them to think that all is well/reasonably well. That is wrong and cruel. Karma keeps account of everything we do, trust that.
Regardless, good luck on your weight loss and resolving issues with your father's death.
If a SO has issues, talk to them about what you cannot tolerate and if they do not change to your satisfaction, leave. Do not string the person on for years allowing them to think that all is well/reasonably well. That is wrong and cruel. Karma keeps account of everything we do, trust that.
Regardless, good luck on your weight loss and resolving issues with your father's death.
The thing is... he is generally a good guy. Sometimes I am torn because I love him...but I really am starting to not like him. Sometimes he is just so clueless about my feelings. He will be my shoulder to cry on...but have no idea of what I said or why I was mad. His dad beat his mom horribly while he was young and I know that caused a little break in him. When a woman is upset or crying he just kinda shuts off. Even sad movies or TV shows he just cuts off. You can actually see the lights go off. He disassociates himself with upset/sad/angry females partially as a coping mechanism but also so he never gets mad like his dad did. He is gonna be great for some other chick but not me. It's a whooooooole lot of little things that make for like 2 or 3 big issues that I know I can't raise kids in or spend my life in. Outside of him being a tad controlling/sabatoging.... and the fact that he loves his job like it's one of his own limbs.... and the fact that I can say something to him being 100% honest and he will dismiss it and not take it seriously.... it's a handfull of irritations that are obviously never gonna change so while I can tolerate it NOW cuz of the benefits.... it's not something I can live with forever.
LOL... no way in hell that I blame that man for my weight gain. Come with me to Wendy's and I'll show you why
I wish someone else would come up in here and share their story so I can stop sharing mines without seeming like I clammed up all of a sudden
Maynard
Well-Known Member
Hi Smitge
If you have money/resources to leave and get your own space, why not just go ahead and leave? You can work on your body/mind/spirit in your own space away from this guy.
I dont know. I dont know how willingly many ladies are to go from sugar to ****. Especially when there is nothing really "wrong". Lots of people would love to be in my position. I dont pay any bills. I dont even know when they are due. I just am not longer attracted to my SO....
I wonder if attraction comes and goes.
Suerte
New Member
I've told him a million and one times. Even told him that our "Marry eachother in 5 years" plan had the chance to a snowball in hell of materializing. We went to counseling twice. It was supposed to be 10 times but his job was more important. I tried. Sick of trying.
And if I was stuck with an emotionally withdrawn chick who didn't give head and I told her 50-11 times how important those things were to me, how I wanted to help her with her problems and offered solution after solution to her, I expressed to her that I had certain goals that I wanted to accomplish and she supported me while I accomplished them goals cuz deep down she knew the issues were HER issues and not mines...
I'd just have to be an ass and leave her.
TCatt86
Well-Known Member
I think it's smart to plan your way out. You can't just up and leave without some sort of stability. Men do it all the time. I have never known a man to stop dealing with someone until the have a) someone definite lined up or b) have someone definite lined up. I'm not saying get a new man, but get your money right, find a house, reconnect with your friends and family. And when you leave him it won't be as difficult. I had to do that. It took me almost a year to really break up with my ex. And what I did was reconnect with friends, I went out more, I stopped putting him first and although it was hard, the transition could have been worse.
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