When dating an older man, did he try to "rush" things?

[Glib Gurl]

Ladies who have been involved with men 10+ years older than them . . . do you feel like the relationship was rushed at all . . . like he was anxious to "settle" down because of his more advanced age? (NOTE: I am actually finding that Dutch Chocolate is NOT rushing things, which I love love love!)

Also, had he been married before or was he already a parent? Do you think that impacted things?

Any tips for dealing with May-December relationships are welcome!

 

[Katt73]

Heck, no. If anything, he is battle worn from a past marriage (which ended 20 years ago, may I add). He has two children (grown) and doesn't understand why I, at 36, would feel a sense of urgency about our relationship. He is 49...and about to be single again.

 

[darlingdiva]

My husband is 11 years older than I am. He was married before and he has two children.

I think that his being married before and having children definitely impacted the pace of our relationship. I didn't want to get married because I thought of marriage would be "too confining" for me. In the beginning, he let me know that he wanted to remarry, but he wasn't rushing me. I also let him know that I don't want kids & that wasn't a problem with him b/c he has kids.

What kinds of tips are you looking for in regards to dealing w/ May-December relationships?

 

[Bulletproof]

My SO is 14 years older than me. While I can't say he rushed anything he does ask me often if I am ready to be married, I guess to gauge where I am at. It's weird because he is into that more for social standards than anything else. He doesn't want me at any point to feel like or be viewed as another "statistic".

I am not in a rush to be married, don't have children and even though we live together I am abstinent and have been for a while. I have tons of freedom to do as I please and develop on my own time. I know he is concerned about becoming a father but knows it would be unfair to put his pressure due to his age on me to become a mother before I want to. When we met I told him I had no intention of becoming a mother for at least 10 years he was 39 at the time, to give you an idea of age range.

The only thing I actually think about is if/when I break up with him I would feel guilty for wasting his time when he could have met someone, married and had babies.

 

[Glib Gurl]

What kinds of tips are you looking for in regards to dealing w/ May-December relationships?

Shoot, I am looking for relationship advice in general . . . I have no idea what I'm doing

 

[Spiffy]

Yep, sure did, but I was a baby then. I think he was so amazed at the fact of having a much younger girl he tried to lock me down. I saw right through that.

 

[YankeeCandle]

The only thing I actually think about is if/when I break up with him I would feel guilty for wasting his time when he could have met someone, married and had babies.

This is my thing. I have told him many, many times that if his number one priority is having kids and settling down, there are other women who would serve that purpose better than I would based on my preferences and life trajectory. I can tell by things he says over the years he really would love biological children. But every time I voice the above warnings, he waves them away as though they are of no consequence. Maybe they aren't, after all. He would have peaced out long ago if those were his number one priorities.

 

[Bulletproof]

This is my thing. I have told him many, many times that if his number one priority is having kids and settling down, there are other women who would serve that purpose better than I would based on my preferences and life trajectory. I can tell by things he says over the years he really would love biological children. But every time I voice the above warnings, he waves them away as though they are of no consequence. Maybe they aren't, after all. He would have peaced out long ago if those were his number one priorities.

That's it exactly and unfortunately only time will tell.

 

[MissJ]

Heck, no. If anything, he is battle worn from a past marriage (which ended 20 years ago, may I add). He has two children (grown) and doesn't understand why I, at 36, would feel a sense of urgency about our relationship. He is 49...and about to be single again.

Amen, sista!

 

[GeorginaSparks]

Umm no. Unfortunately all the older men Ive dated (10 yrs difference and up) were players and were not looking to settle in any way.

Its usually the ones that are 4-6 yrs older that were ready to get marriage. My recent ex was so in a rush it scared me.

 

[panamoni]

Yep, sure did, but I was a baby then. I think he was so amazed at the fact of having a much younger girl he tried to lock me down. I saw right through that.

Wish I had been as smart as you.

Yes, he did, and it was the biggest mistake I ever made.

 

[phynestone]

^^^^^are you still married to him?

 

[AstroQueen77]

Wish I had been as smart as you.

Yes, he did, and it was the biggest mistake I ever made.

Ohh, what happened?

 

[mrselle]

I dated an older man when I was in my early 20’s for about six months and the experience was quite different. He was going through a divorce and wanted full custody of their two sons. Needless to say he had a lot on his mind and while he tried his best to give me the attention that I wanted/needed he wasn’t always there. Having never been married and not having any kids I didn’t quite understand the seriousness of what he was going through and despite the fact that I loved children I didn’t understand his commitment to his kids. But, he expected me to sit around and wait for him. He hinted at marriage and how he thought things should be if/when the time came and I was not in agreement with a lot of his thoughts concerning marriage. He would try to go through my closet and tell me what could go and what could stay. After about three months I realized that the relationship was a lot more trouble than it was worth and decided to leave him alone. Well, I spent another three months trying to end it because he wouldn’t take no for an answer. I can’t begin to tell you how many times he begged me to be patient, give him more time, things would get better, he needed some space to clear his head, but he wanted me to promise to be there for him once he got his head clear. I heard it all. After three months of this drama I simply stopped returning his phone calls. He got the hint and never bothered me again. All in all the relationship was way too much for me and I wasn't ready for marriage (he made it clear that is where we were headed) and I definitely wasn't ready to be someone's mother.

 

[Bunny77]

Umm no. Unfortunately all the older men Ive dated (10 yrs difference and up) were players and were not looking to settle in any way.

Its usually the ones that are 4-6 yrs older that were ready to get marriage. My recent ex was so in a rush it scared me.

I would agree 100% with this.

I've briefly dated a few men 10 years my senior. We weren't in official relationships but went out a few times. The ones who'd been married before were in ZERO rush to get married again... in fact, they might not have wanted it at all. I ended those before they began simply because I knew that I did want to get married sooner rather than later, and this would not be a good fit.

Now, the older men who'd never been married were a mixed bag. They didn't seem to be in a rush, although they'd always talk about how they wanted to be married. So I was thinking, "Uh, so like, when you gonna do something about that? You're not getting any younger!" I think they were so used to being single that it was hard to break out of that mold.

Meanwhile, the guys 4-6 years older were ready like yesterday... like my boyfriend! He's still not rushing things (like, no proposal after four months), but he's not necessarily looking to just date for 2-3+ years either. 1 year is enough for him!

 

[Kalani]

Yep, sure did, but I was a baby then. I think he was so amazed at the fact of having a much younger girl he tried to lock me down. I saw right through that.

Same thing happened with me. He wanted to go ring shopping after just a couple months of dating. erplexed

 

[panamoni]

^^^^^are you still married to him?

I will be getting a divorce sometime this year. Just trying to take care of a few priorities first.

 

[panamoni]

Ohh, what happened?

He was in a hurry to become exclusive, to get total access to me, get married, move me away from my friends/family, make me totally dependent upon him, stressed wanting to have more kids, etc., and I let him have total access and become exclusive sooner than I was ready. I actually said no pretty adamantly at first, but he was VERY persisitant -- no, he didn't force me.... After a while, the idea of someone who wanted to "take care of me" sounded appealing after having been so independent for so long, and I just let my guard down, and didn't go with my initial instincts. It sounded too good to be true, and eventually, after ignoring a lot of red flags, I realized that it was.

Thank God, I stuck to my guns about not having kids with him until I was ready (which thankfully was never), so I can leave the relationship without something that would tie me to him forever.

 

[darlingdiva]

Shoot, I am looking for relationship advice in general . . . I have no idea what I'm doing

Firstly, it is very important to have a clear sense of yourself. Know whom you are before you enter the relationship. Don't try and find yourself once you've entered the relationship because that just gets messy for both parties.

Secondly, set your standards before you enter the relationship and stick to them. All too often I hear women asking, "Do men like this...?" or "what do men like?". Those are the wrong questions. The right questions are: what do I want? What are my relationship goals? Who am I? What do I have to offer? The last two questions are just as important as the first ones. Often times people enter relationships with a high demand but low supply list. If you don't have the laundry list of qualities that you're looking for in a mate, don't be surprised if you don't find the mate that you desire.

Thirdly, don't be afraid to speak your mind. I know there's a perception that older men are controlling, but men can only control you if you let them. If something isn't to your liking, let it be known. If you feel like he's rushing things, let him know that things are moving too fast for you.

Out of all these points, I must reiterate the second one: Set your standards & stick to them. When you do so, a lot of the dating and relationship "confusion" is non-existent.

**There's one more thing I forgot to add: listen to your gut! Don't ignore the warning signals! If something seems "off", it probably is.

 

[AstroQueen77]

He was in a hurry to become exclusive, to get total access to me, get married, move me away from my friends/family, make me totally dependent upon him, stressed wanting to have more kids, etc., and I let him have total access and become exclusive sooner than I was ready. I actually said no pretty adamantly at first, but he was VERY persisitant -- no, he didn't force me.... After a while, the idea of someone who wanted to "take care of me" sounded appealing after having been so independent for so long, and I just let my guard down, and didn't go with my initial instincts. It sounded too good to be true, and eventually, after ignoring a lot of red flags, I realized that it was.

Thank God, I stuck to my guns about not having kids with him until I was ready (which thankfully was never), so I can leave the relationship without something that would tie me to him forever.

So, he wanted a yes woman? And what red flags did you ignore? It may help others.

 

[Zaynab]

Umm no. Unfortunately all the older men Ive dated (10 yrs difference and up) were players and were not looking to settle in any way.

Its usually the ones that are 4-6 yrs older that were ready to get marriage. My recent ex was so in a rush it scared me.

I think that is how my dh was. He is 7 years older than me. He was ready to get married pretty quickly.

 

[panamoni]

So, he wanted a yes woman? And what red flags did you ignore? It may help others.

Yes, he basically eventually wanted me barefoot and pregnant and...yes...a yes woman. I've determined that for this particular man, it would be best if he got a mail order bride from somewhere, because once I came out of denial and delt with our situation, I was not the one.

Some red flags (and I know, I allowed all of it): extreme rushing...rushing me to make decisions...being in my home all the time...in a hurry to take me on a trip out of the country to get me away from my comfort zone...talking about wanting to marry me very early on...in a hurry to get me to move to another state... Red flags basically included things that gave me an uneasy feeling in my gut, but I ignored.

There were a lot of things about him...many of which probably had nothing to do with the fact that he was older, just that he was a jerk. So, some things have to be separated. I've learned a lot and will definitely do things differently in the future.

 

[kayte]

I did date a guy who was 14 years my senior...I kind of was shell-shocked at the time being with a guy so much older but....he was also drop dead gorgeous..affluent
super tall ,sexy with hair curly hair to his shoulders prettier than mine
and honestly Glib?
...it helped that my guy did not look his age
that made all the diffrence to me

And also at the time was he was a music director for a tv show...embroiled in a highly publicized bitter contentious divorce and custody battle with an actress.....
ugh~
but nope...no rush....nope nope nope
he had NO intention of marriage then...he was in a battle zone.but I was also recently divorced...but was serious about him..and would have married him ....it did not last because he is the favored son of attila the hun....lol

I will say this

be madly in love,idealistic,too,but also be......madly realistic

I saw the same drop dead gorgeous guy three or four months ago ...he'd
ask...throughout the years...had tried to reconnect and ask me out
I always refused but curiosity won out last year...fall 2009
what would Mr Gorgeous he look like....now?
with some years behind him?
so I went......
I saw his curly hair before I saw him...
all I can say is he did me a HUGE favor..causing the break-up
tis true...but I was someone already skitty abt the age difference

 

[winterinatl]

Yes. He was ten years my senior. He was a very nice, childless, never married man, kind of handsome. But he ran me off with all the smothering. Once he met me is when it started, and just couldn't deal. I wasn't in love with him like that, or I might have enjoyed it. I also discovered what his financial station was and I wasn't impressed, so stopped dating him.

 

[Chocolate_Silk]

I recently start seeing a guy about ten years my senior; he does seem to be in a rush to get things moving. He was married in his 20's and has two children from that marriage. He has already stressed to me he would like to be married again. Years after his first marriage he got a vasectomy. I have one child and he's talking about having the procedure reversed if I want another child and he'll just have it done again after I'm pregnant ...

Honestly I don't know how to feel about all of this; a friend of mine said if I were dating someone who was not showing much interest I would be upset with that, now I have someone who is giving me adequate attention and I complaining about that...

 

[panamoni]

I recently start seeing a guy about ten years my senior; he does seem to be in a rush to get things moving. He was married in his 20's and has two children from that marriage. He has already stressed to me he would like to be married again. Years after his first marriage he got a vasectomy. I have one child and he's talking about having the procedure reversed if I want another child and he'll just have it done again after I'm pregnant ...

Honestly I don't know how to feel about all of this; a friend of mine said if I were dating someone who was not showing much interest I would be upset with that, now I have someone who is giving me adequate attention and I complaining about that...

Is it adequate attention or too much? Your friend doesn't know because she's not in your shoes. Only you can say how you feel about what's happening. If you like it, then enjoy being in the relationship.

If anything makes you uncomfortable or if you have a different view on something than he does, you should feel comfortable telling him, and he should respect your wishes. Take some time to think about what you want so that your voice is not lost in the relationship.

Since he already knows what he wants and you might be figuring it out, he may think that you want what he wants because you're not saying much or not disagreeing.

Trust your gut.

Also, you said you recently started going out with him...how recent? If you guys are not exclusive yet, I'd recommend being open to dating other people as well so that you don't lose sight of the fact that he's not the only one out there. And, if you're still feeling him while dating others, then it says something.