What nobody tells you about marriage

I think that is where pre-marital counseling comes in as well. It brings a realistic side to marriage and brings issues to the forefront and helps you decide how will you as a married couple work through those issues. It's not a solution to a "perfect" marriage but it definitely gives you workable tools.

My church wouldn't marry you unless you do per-martial counseling. We'll be going to the Engaged Encounter weekend retreat as well :yay:
 
I say go to counseling even before getting engaged...
I love a man that's open to doing that!
 
I enjoyed the video. As someone who has been married for less than a year also, I agree with what she is saying. I think the issue with many people are unrealistic expectations and what they think marriage "should be, should feel like, should look like, etc" and the disillusionment that then follows when these things don't match their held ideals.

Everyone's reality and perception of marriage is different.
 
The older I get, the more 'realistic' and less romantic I think marriage is...AND I'll add the more I want to create the type of marriage that works for BOTH of us. Including non traditional living arrangements etc.
 
LiftedUp said:
I think that is where pre-marital counseling comes in as well. It brings a realistic side to marriage and brings issues to the forefront and helps you decide how will you as a married couple work through those issues. It's not a solution to a "perfect" marriage but it definitely gives you workable tools. My church wouldn't marry you unless you do per-martial counseling. We'll be going to the Engaged Encounter weekend retreat as well :yay:
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i wonder what are the options for nondenominational services. i probably wont be married in a church.
 
Fine 4s said:
The older I get, the more 'realistic' and less romantic I think marriage is...AND I'll add the more I want to create the type of marriage that works for BOTH of us. Including non traditional living arrangements etc.
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I want a happy marriage filled with romance, team work etc. I'm not into the business relationship type of thing, though I know it works for some people. If I'm not getting that then I'd prefer to stick it out alone. There are couples that have that so, why can't it be me?
 
LiftedUp said:
I want a happy marriage filled with romance, team work etc. I'm not into the business relationship type of thing, though I know it works for some people. If I'm not getting that then I'd prefer to stick it out alone. There are couples that have that so, why can't it be me?
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You can have that don't let people convince you otherwise it may not be roses everyday but just the way your man looks at you, holds you and prioritises you daily can be romantic.

People settle for many reasons the problem is when they keep pushing their sucky reality as normal that grates me. Pray and be open to the sort of relationship you want.
 
Both my mother and grandmother made these points multiple times many years before I got married. Considering how many negative things I hear people say about marriage ("50% of all marriages end in divorce", "I don't want to be tied down", "I don't want someone to have access to all of my money"), I'm surprised to hear that there are still many people who have unrealistically positive views of marriage. And I have to give her :up::up: for drawing the parallel between marriage and every other aspect of life... We all have good days and bad days in our lives, and don't want to give up on life and living just because we have a bad day, why shouldn't we have the same view of our marriages?
 
hothair said:
You can have that don't let people convince you otherwise it may not be roses everyday but just the way your man looks at you, holds you and prioritises you daily can be romantic.

People settle for many reasons the problem is when they keep pushing their sucky reality as normal that grates me. Pray and be open to the sort of relationship you want.
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I think there is a difference between settling and being realistic. I think a lot of marriages fail because they believe love and attraction are good enough reasons to get married. Then when that feeling starts to fade aspects of their personality and character that have always been there and were clear of examples of incompatibility become huge issues.

My family is African, and my parents have been happily married for almost 30 yrs. I grew up with very different conceptions of love and marriage, than what has been presented to me through American culture. I tried building a relationship the American way and it failed me, and I have just grown to trust what I've witnessed and learned about what truly makes a marriage work.
 
julzinha said:
I think there is a difference between settling and being realistic. I think a lot of marriages fail because they believe love and attraction are good enough reasons to get married. Then when that feeling starts to fade aspects of their personality and character that have always been there and were clear of examples of incompatibility become huge issues.

My family is African, and my parents have been happily married for almost 30 yrs. I grew up with very different conceptions of love and marriage, than what has been presented to me through American culture. I tried building a relationship the American way and it failed me, and I have just grown to trust what I've witnessed and learned about what truly makes a marriage work.
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julzinha I agree. I think I need to be a round realistic married couples. At my age. There are too many babies and not a lot of marriages so I go off what I think marriage should be or is based on people faking the funk in real life. I thought married people rarely argued, there was always spice and everything was basically perfect and they never had doubts so I assumed I was never ready. MY SO was actually ready early on and I told him no. Iwas the one with the cold feet instead of the man who usually is. I never fantasized about marriage either like they claimed every little girl does. I didn't until I was probably grown or late high school. But I see married people have trouble just like any other couple and that makes me rethink marriage all over again
 
Lilmama1011 said:
julzinha I agree. I think I need to be a round realistic married couples. At my age. There are too many babies and not a lot of marriages so I go off what I think marriage should be or is based on people faking the funk in real life. I thought married people rarely argued, there was always spice and everything was basically perfect and they never had doubts so I assumed I was never ready.

MY SO was actually ready early on and I told him no. Iwas the one with the cold feet instead of the man who usually is. I never fantasized about marriage either like they claimed every little girl does. I didn't until I was probably grown or late high school. But I see married people have trouble just like any other couple and that makes me rethink marriage all over again
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Lilmama1011 I completely understand, my ideas of marriage have been compared and contrasted to my parents. I never saw them argue, and to this day I've never seen them argue. They made it a point to never argue in front of us. I love my parents marriage because I look at them as two people who married because they were very compatible people that happened to feel something for each other. I see it everyday, Africans are not the most affectionate people, but my parents laughed together, talked, went out, and communicated all the time. Hugs and kisses are nice, but that is not what the foundation should be built on.
 
julzinha said:
I think there is a difference between settling and being realistic. I think a lot of marriages fail because they believe love and attraction are good enough reasons to get married. Then when that feeling starts to fade aspects of their personality and character that have always been there and were clear of examples of incompatibility become huge issues.

My family is African, and my parents have been happily married for almost 30 yrs. I grew up with very different conceptions of love and marriage, than what has been presented to me through American culture. I tried building a relationship the American way and it failed me, and I have just grown to trust what I've witnessed and learned about what truly makes a marriage work.
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So are mine. My mother literally walked out on my father when he began behaving like an "African". They stayed married but lived separately with him chasing after her until he died.

My aunt was married 40+ years and lived with the man, it was no bed of roses.

Another aunt is still married 45+ years (and mostly live together)later but has spent the entire marriage dealing with polygamy and abuse from the man and his other spouses he even has a new wife ( not young) he acquired less than 3 years ago.

My point here is that people go into marriage for various reasons, people also stay in them for the same. I would NEVER spend 40+ years if my life being miserable and raising children with major issues (who now resent me for my choices) just for the sake of "being married"

My own marriage is no fairy tale but it is good and happy one because we see each other for what we are and don't pretend to be what we are not. I am not a doormat I do not believe you can suppress who you are and be happy in any union.

There is no "right" thing to do.

Most Nigerian men and women with what society thinks is a happy marriage the truth always outs.

The wife is projecting Mother Superior and the man is out having fun with his doll baby girlfriends and mistresses who are really the beneficiaries of his wealth and attention not to talk of out of wedlock children.

For the young women that desperate in 2014 to keep a man, happy for them, for the rest of us by God's Grace the man will always see our worth and fight to be the best man they can be for "us" not external observers of our lives.

Again people marry and settle in marriages for various reasons, taking time out to actually understand the character (not packaging or delusion) of who you are tying yourself to would prevent a lot of heartache.

As a woman the choice is yours and not understanding and believing that is the beginning and end of your happiness.
 
julzinha said:
My family is African, and my parents have been happily married for almost 30 yrs. I grew up with very different conceptions of love and marriage, than what has been presented to me through American culture. I tried building a relationship the American way and it failed me, and I have just grown to trust what I've witnessed and learned about what truly makes a marriage work.
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julzinha
Please elaborate on these differences, and what is the american way that failed you TIA
 
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biznesswmn said:
julzinha
Please elaborate on these differences, and what is the american way that failed you TIA
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These are things I've experienced. biznesswmn When I mentioned the Americans way that failed me, I was talking about an experience I had where I knew their were aspects of his personality that were incompatible with mine, but because I had strong feelings for him, I ignored them and pursued a relationship. I think many Americans believe having strong feelings for a person is enough to start a relationship and maintain one even if you know the signs are clear that aspects of your character and personality don't fit. Then when that feelings starts to wane, and those differences become more apparent, it's almost like people don't know what happened and, in reality, you're just no longer blinded by feeling.

  • Americans tend to be very affectionate with their spouses, kissing and cuddling. Many Africans don't kiss or cuddle. I never doubted my parents loved each other, but it was normal for me growing up and never seeing my parents kiss each other.
  • Divorce is very looked down upon, when Africans get divorced it is because they hit their absolute breaking point and HATE their spouse. But it's also not a good thing because as a previous poster mentioned, women put up with a lot of things in the marriage because divorce is not really an option
  • Americans date for the sake of dating. Africans, at times, may just mess with each other, but there is ALWAYS an expectation for marriage for both men and women. Most relationships that is the goal.
  • Love is not the most important factor when getting married for many Africans. From what I've seen within religious and non-religious circles, Americans tend to place the feeling of love and attraction above all in deciding who their spouse will be. Many times they ignore blatant signs that you and that person are incompatible, but because you love them, marriage is the next step. Love is a feeling and like any other feeling it can change, many Africans go into marriage thinking can he provide, do we get along, how is he/her with their family, are we compatible personality wise, then after all that love can develop
  • I will say both have a tendency for women to settle after a certain age
  • The courtship period for many Africans is very short, for many within a year, which I don't always agree with because people are on their best behavior for those few months then after marriage the craziness starts.
  • Africans love to and always get their families involved in their issues from small problems to large. They are always there to intervene, which may also cause drama at times, but we believe in handling things together.
  • For many Africans love is about actions not words. Americans will say a lot and the promise of action for many is good enough.
  • They are realistic about their notions of love and commitment. Many Americans, especially women, are fed fantasies about marriage and romance. Many Africans understand that is a naive way to view marriage.
 
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julzinha said:
These are things I've experienced. biznesswmn When I mentioned the Americans way that failed me, I was talking about an experience I had where I knew their were aspects of his personality that were incompatible with mine, but because I had strong feelings for him, I ignored them and pursued a relationship. I think many Americans believe having strong feelings for a person is enough to start a relationship and maintain one even if you know the signs are clear that aspects of your character and personality don't fit. Then when that feelings starts to wane, and those differences become more apparent, it's almost like people don't know what happened and, in reality, you're just no longer blinded by feeling.

  • Americans tend to be very affectionate with their spouses, kissing and cuddling. Many Africans don't kiss or cuddle. I never doubted my parents loved each other, but it was normal for me growing up and never seeing my parents kiss each other.
  • Divorce is very looked down upon, when Africans get divorced it is because they hit their absolute breaking point and HATE their spouse. But it's also not a good thing because as a previous poster mentioned, women put up with a lot of things in the marriage because divorce is not really an option
  • Americans date for the sake of dating. Africans, at times, may just mess with each other, but there is ALWAYS an expectation for marriage for both men and women. Most relationships that is the goal.
  • Love is not the most important factor when getting married for many Africans. From what I've seen within religious and non-religious circles, Americans tend to place the feeling of love and attraction above all in deciding who their spouse will be. Many times they ignore blatant signs that you and that person are incompatible, but because you love them, marriage is the next step. Love is a feeling and like any other feeling it can change, many Africans go into marriage thinking can he provide, do we get along, how is he/her with their family, are we compatible personality wise, then after all that love can develop
  • I will say both have a tendency for women to settle after a certain age
  • The courtship period for many Africans is very short, for many within a year, which I don't always agree with because people are on their best behavior for those few months then after marriage the craziness starts.
  • Africans love to and always get their families involved in their issues from small problems to large. They are always there to intervene, which may also cause drama at times, but we believe in handling things together.
  • For many Africans love is about actions not words. Americans will say a lot and the promise of action for many is good enough.
  • They are realistic about their notions of love and commitment. Many Americans, especially women, are fed fantasies about marriage and romance. Many Africans understand that is a naive way to view marriage.
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julzinha You're positing a very generalized view. I think I understand what you're trying to convey but I do not agree that Africans have the lock and key on the secret of a successful marriage. I've seen Americans and Africans act opposite of what you wrote above. If it means anything, I'm also Nigerian and I've been surrounded By Nigerian relationships all my life including my parents marriage.
 
Nefertiti0906 said:
julzinha You're positing a very generalized view. I think I understand what you're trying to convey but I do not agree that Africans have the lock and key on the secret of a successful marriage. I've seen Americans and Africans act opposite of what you wrote above. If it means anything, I'm also Nigerian and I've been surrounded By Nigerian relationships all my life including my parents marriage.
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I agree, that is why I say this was my experience and I see benefits and downfalls in both cultural perspectives. I know all Americans and all Africans do not fall into those categories. Also, my family is not Nigerian, so we do things somewhat differently.
 
[julzinha
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on marriage. I agree with you about the fantasy thing with Americans and I'm American. This fantasy thing has been shoved down our throats for a long time. Often people are pursuing the fantasy and disappointed they don't have it or they completely abandon it for an opposing lifestyle (mistress/eternal bachelor/etc.) but still the choices are based on that fantasy.
 
Married almost 1 year and I have said this before and still believe it to be true......marriage is so exhilarating yet exasperating.
 
I think my expectations going into marriage were pretty realistic. Attraction, chemistry, and compatibility were all important to me, in addition to making sure I had someone who was willing to put in the work to make our marriage successful. I don't understand when people make it seem like love and romance aren't important, or that you are foolish to consider them. I think it's extremely important, and it helped us get through some rough times. Of course you can't base a marriage solely on your feelings, but it's not a business deal either.
 
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