What Is Your Vetting Process?

I will come back to respond...hold that thought...


Ive been out the game for awhile..but vetting stems from not making excuses and sticking to the facts and what your intuition is screaming at you…non-verbal and verbal communication


I think it first starts with how you feel around said man, I always say trust your intuition…

I echo the sentiments of making sure he does what he say he will do…


Often times women dont want to come across as pushy...nothing wrong with asking questions about someone to get more clarity on who they are in addition to their actions….


My personality is light pleasant yet direct…..if im asking a man questions about him I keep them random and very conversational but I do ask whatever I am curious about…also if I receive push back I say…with a held gaze/smize that I am asking you these questions as I’m interested in you in a more significant way…

There are several mandatories I need to know


#1 I need to see your driver’s license I need to know you are who you say you are…when exchanging info in person I ask to see it as they reach for their phone or business card

#2---I need to know where you are in regard to your personal life….are you mr casual date for life or are you interested in a life partner….ive said from day one when I was ready that Im interested in a life partner if that aligns with you lets proceed if not..it was such a pleasure chatting..next—KIM…KIM if his wants do not align with your wants simple…no let me continue to date him and see no let me see if he will change his mind post pum pum or etc…KIM with a smile…

I need to know more about your past relationships this is tricky or more about your thoughts on how a relationship should operate..men have a very rehearsed answer for this..so I would ask something like..what did you learn from your last relationship? Opens up the conversation in a different manner..not placing the blame on them or etc—you know the male ego is fragile….if you are not a fan of a sahm in any capacity I would want to know that from jump..etc etc

Im big on money and finances..i need to know you can afford me and a family….Very tricky to find this out but if you use some common sense the internet and if you stay over and see some mail you can figure this out…


My biggest thing with women is you say I want a relationship that leads to marriage..but you have a bevy of FWB situations going on…your relationship energy is off if you are in a fwb but want a serious marriage minded situation..the two don’t align…hard but you have to stay true to the goal…no side D no fwb..no dating because your bored or lonely…become quality so you date quality…you cant attract what you wanting life if you are not living it to some extent…

I like the D just as much as the next and I love to be wined and dined but if dude wasn’t talking about life partner and his actions didn’t resonate with that I KIM…did not miss a beat

And why am I putting miles on my pump um with a fwb when I want the pum pum right for the right dude…good D is cool but babies…stds and etc can arise…hoping they don’t but why even put your situation in that if you’re tryna get married…keep the pum pum on lock and stay the course for mr. right!!!


Also what do you have to show for a fwb situation..like what do you have to show for being just pum pum to a dude..oh yeah im awesome im sleeping with several dudes..nothing to show for it..that doesn’t sound like a come up!!! Lmaooo how do you allow the pum pum to be in that kind of use but nothing to show for it…baffles me….


And lastly…don’t steer away from what you want..if you want a man to plan a nice date—DO not go out with him until he does…stick to what you deserve…many women say one thing and do another and their expectations and wants are never met…men get free pum pum and they didn’t even take you out how say….

Single women are very interesting to me….your behaving and living your dating life in a contradictory manner of what you want…that kind of aura….energy or vibe does not cultivate the mate you desire.. or relationship…when I was serious about getting married no matter how horny I was..bored or lonely..i stuck to what I wanted…no diluted version no fwb no keeping place holders around I stuck to exactly the type of mate I wanted and like any goal when you set the standards and stick to that the universe opens up…and I left my house…lmaoooo I wasn’t on the couch watching tv…or movies or whatever..i forced myself out…
 
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See here's the thing about vetting, it's being judgy for your own sake. A lot of the times women feel bad for being judgy and having a standard and they shy away from it and let any ole man in, ignoring the yellow and big red flags.
I'm a pretty good people reader so it comes in handy for me when it comes to vetting. I used to watch my SO at the gym before we started dating mainly because he was fine but I also wanted to know if I'd like him.

Very discipline and consistent in nature
Respectful and polite
Patient
Friendly but not one of those obnoxious trying to be heard and seen types
Not into social media much
White collared professional
Single
No children

And I was 100% accurate.

Once I got to know him a bit, I knew that he came from a decent family, and that he had a good relationship with his parents.

ETA: I have a lot of men in my family and I've dated a lot so I'm pretty familiar with them.
 
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MzLady78 said:
Off the top of my head-behavior-wise, one of the first things I look for is whether or not they do what they say they're going to do, no matter how minor. Failing there is one of the quickest ways to make me lose interest.
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YES. If they fail to follow through, even on small things it lets me know that they will probably not follow through on other, bigger things.
I pay a lot of attention to what they do. I do ask questions, but I take the answers with a grain of salt since they can and do say anything in the beginning stages (unless he tells me something that's a red flag). In addition to paying attention to whether or not they follow through, I look at:

-Whether or not the inside of his car is clean when he picks me up.
-How he talks TO other people. Is he rude? Is he direct? If we're at a restaurant and something in his meal isn't made completely to his liking or he needs something, does he immediately flag down the waitress or does he wait until I call her over for something else? (Bad sign if he waits for me).
-How they talk ABOUT other people. In the beginning stages, I shouldn't hear too much of your family members', friends' and co-workers' business. I don't like gossip-y, messy men. Leave the gossiping to me lol.
-His friends. Are his friends successful (or working towards success) and happy? Does he have a lot of female friends? (Red flag if he has a lot of female friends, red flag if his friends are bums). I also look at how he and his friends interact and how his friends interact with me. Do he and his friends try to include me in conversations, or (after the initial "hello") do they act like I don't exist?
-His family. Is his family welcoming towards me? I also look at how he interacts with them as well and how they interact with me.

That's all I can think of right now. I also go off of my gut feeling/intuition and my first impressions, which is kind of hard to explain. I can tell the difference between when I'm just feeling kind of shy because I'm meeting or going out with someone for the first time and when there's something that I can't put my finger on that's making me uncomfortable (or another sinking feeling). Basically, if I feel uncomfortable around him it's a huge red flag.
 
First off is atteaction. If I don't find him desireable I KIM. Second is my gut feeling after about 5ish minutes into the date if not earlier. Is he creepy? Did he say something to make me pause? If so I KIM. I am a military brat so I am a snob for chilvary. If I don't hear a "call/text me when you get home" I KIM.
Did he actively plan the first date? None of that "well what do you wanna do?" Or if the date was WACK (like let's chill at my cousins house) then KIM.
Obviously everything is paid by him INCLUDING my gas without any type of objection or I KIM.
Okay after two weeks of dating I want to know his expectations. If his answer is "Just chill and see what happens" I KIM.
If he tries to grope me unnecessarily or asks me for sex before I bring it up then I KIM.
I ask about past life experiences, especially traumatic ones. I ask about who his male role model in life is. (If he doesn't have one or if his only one if it's some vague one time experience OR it's a woman....K I M)
I ask about his interests, and how he has diversified his money. (Broke *****s are a KIM lol)
I listen to his jokes. Does he joke about black women, about rape, or about women being incapable of something? KIM
How does he look at other women while with you? Does his eyes bulge out and does he break his neck? KIM
Does he always talk about his boys and how he loves his mans? KIM
Excessive smoking or drinking? KIM
I ask about the last time he's been angry over something. If I can visibly see he is getting angry by just discussing it or if he is pushing for you to take his side? KIM
I almost always tell them to plan a date and then last minute I ask if we can do xyz. It seems rude but I want to know if he is flexible and calm, wanting only to please me lol.

When I am dating I am cute and pleasant. I am not combative or argumentative, I am told I have a very powerful presence though. I am confident that I am always the winner no matter what.
 
Frog kisses gave alot of good examples!

I'm really good at reading people body language and in-between the lines in conversations.

But I'm leary of men that over compliments me. It seems.....fake.

Like the guy I gave my number to today. He left me a VM stating he was honored I gave him my number. (He complimented me earlier and He thought I was cute and I spardiocally gave him my number).

Also, a man with no life is a bore.
 
First thing is my gut. It never lets me down. My mom tried to set me up with a friend of a friend. I quickly thought the guy was sleazy and tried to tell her so but she wouldn't listen. Her friend told her he can't keep his **** in his pants and has one child by one woman and was expecting twins by another. I was like, you wouldn't have had to do all that if you listened to me.

Flattery, over-complimenting is a red flag. Giving me a bunch of compliments early on is a quick way to turn me off. He doesn't know me so I'm assume he wants sex so I KIM.

Planning and paying for the first date. Men who say, "I don't know, where do you want to go?" or who want to go dutch are gone. I've mostly had the former though.

How secure does he seem about himself? Does he have a short fuse? How does he treat people? Does he have manners? One date was jittery and noticed everything I did. I couldn't breathe a certain way without him noticing it. I later learned he has serious confidence issues, among other things.

PDA. It takes time for me to warm up to man physically so he's gone if he tries anything beyond hugging too quickly.

Family. Is he close with his parents, siblings? Even among my closest girlfriends we have similarly tight-knit families so it's a red flag if his family is scattered or he's not close to his siblings. A refusal to at least acknowledge them is a red flag. As a first-born I tend to draw middle or younger siblings. It's something I notice.

Friends. Birds of a feather flock together so I look at his friends as a lens into who he is. Also how are they with me. One way I knew a man liked me because I'd run into his friends and they were always super nice to me.

Interests/career. I ask about interests and his career, not solely to know what they are but how he talks about them. I went out with a man who had no interests at all. Not even a favorite genre of movies. He said whatever's popular. Another hated his job even though he made a decent living even during the recession but had not a clue as to what he wanted to do and would latch onto something that sounded cool.

Smokers and excessive drinkers are gone.

Astrology. It always confirms my initial intuition. I try to get his birthday and birth time early on, especially if I like him.

How does he talk about women? Black women? I went out with a man who said men can take their time and play the field but women need to lock down a man as soon as possible. I don't know if it was to push me into seriously dating him or what.

Religion. At least two men have brought this up on a first date. One said people don't read the Bible like they should anymore and how people told him to become a minister and another who swore he was ok with all religions then when I told him my mother is Muslim, asked why. Both gone.

A car. I infamously had a date with a man with no car and I did not find out until an hour before the date. Gone.

Trying to have a deep conversation via text. I'm an introvert but I love talking to people important to me on the phone. Plus I like hearing a man's voice. Short conversations about technical things or just checking in are ok but deep conversations must be on the phone or he's gone.

The way he describes his exes. How a man describes his exes is how he will eventually describe you. Saying an ex is crazy or something like that is a red flag. These types tend not to own up to their mistakes. It's always the woman's fault. Gone.
 
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ScorpioBeauty09 said:
Astrology. It always confirms my initial intuition. I try to get his birthday and birth time early on, especially if I like him.
.
Click to expand...

Lol I forgot to add this to my list! Without them knowing I try to guess their sign before they tell me, but I always try to slyly steer the conversation toward birthdays so I can know their sign.
 
frogkisses said:
First off is atteaction. If I don't find him desireable I KIM. Second is my gut feeling after about 5ish minutes into the date if not earlier. Is he creepy? Did he say something to make me pause? If so I KIM. I am a military brat so I am a snob for chilvary. If I don't hear a "call/text me when you get home" I KIM.
Did he actively plan the first date? None of that "well what do you wanna do?" Or if the date was WACK (like let's chill at my cousins house) then KIM.
Obviously everything is paid by him INCLUDING my gas without any type of objection or I KIM.
Okay after two weeks of dating I want to know his expectations. If his answer is "Just chill and see what happens" I KIM.
If he tries to grope me unnecessarily or asks me for sex before I bring it up then I KIM.
I ask about past life experiences, especially traumatic ones. I ask about who his male role model in life is. (If he doesn't have one or if his only one if it's some vague one time experience OR it's a woman....K I M)
I ask about his interests, and how he has diversified his money. (Broke *****s are a KIM lol)
I listen to his jokes. Does he joke about black women, about rape, or about women being incapable of something? KIM
How does he look at other women while with you? Does his eyes bulge out and does he break his neck? KIM
Does he always talk about his boys and how he loves his mans? KIM
Excessive smoking or drinking? KIM
I ask about the last time he's been angry over something. If I can visibly see he is getting angry by just discussing it or if he is pushing for you to take his side? KIM
I almost always tell them to plan a date and then last minute I ask if we can do xyz. It seems rude but I want to know if he is flexible and calm, wanting only to please me lol.

When I am dating I am cute and pleasant. I am not combative or argumentative, I am told I have a very powerful presence though. I am confident that I am always the winner no matter what.
Click to expand...

Girl all of this!
 
ScorpioBeauty09 said:
First thing is my gut. It never lets me down. My mom tried to set me up with a friend of a friend. I quickly thought the guy was sleazy and tried to tell her so but she wouldn't listen. Her friend told her he can't keep his **** in his pants and has one child by one woman and was expecting twins by another. I was like, you wouldn't have had to do all that if you listened to me.

Flattery, over-complimenting is a red flag. Giving me a bunch of compliments early on is a quick way to turn me off. You don't know me so I'm assume he wants sex so I KIM.

Planning and paying for the first date. Men who say, "I don't know, where do you want to go?" or who want to go dutch are gone. I've mostly had the former though.

How secure does he seem about himself? Does he have a short fuse? How does he treat people? Does he have manners? One date was jittery and noticed everything I did. I couldn't breathe a certain way without him noticing it. I later learned he has serious confidence issues, among other things.

PDA. It takes time for me to warm up to man physically so he's gone if he tries anything beyond hugging too quickly.

Family. Is he close with his parents, siblings? Even among my closest girlfriends we have similarly tight-knit families so it's a red flag if his family is scattered or he's not close to his siblings. As a first-born I tend to draw middle or younger siblings. It's something I take a note of. A refusal to at least acknowledge them is a red flag.

Friends. Birds of a feather flock together so I look at his friends as a lens into who he is. Also how are they with me. One way I knew a man liked me because I'd into his friends and they were always super nice to me.

Interests/career. I ask about interests and his career, not solely to know what they are but how he talks about them. I went out with a man who had no interests at all. Not even a favorite genre of movies. It was whatever's popular he said. Another hated his job even though he made a decent living even during the recession but had not a clue as to what he wanted to do and would latch onto something that sounded cool.

Drinkers and smokers are gone.

Astrology. It always confirms my initial intuition. I try to get his birthday and birth time early on, especially if I like him.

How does he talk about women? Black women? I went out with a man who said men can take their time and play the field but women need to lock down a man as soon as possible. I don't know if it was to push me into seriously dating him or what.

Religion. At least two men have brought this up on a first date. One said people don't read the Bible like they should anymore and how people told him to become a minister and another who swore he was ok with all religions then when I told him my mother is Muslim, asked why. Both gone.

A car. I infamously had a date with a man with no car and I did not find out until an hour before the date. Gone.

Trying to have a deep conversation via text. I'm an introvert but I love talking to people important to me on the phone. Plus I like hearing a man's voice. Short conversations about technical things or just checking in are ok but deep conversations must be on the phone or he's gone.

The way he describes his exes. How a man describes his exes is how he will eventually describe you. Saying an ex is crazy or something like that is a red flag. These types tend not to own up to their mistakes. It's always the woman's fault. Gone.
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I'm a Scorpio too and it always creeps me out how in-tune I can be with people. Unfortunately, I have ignored my intuitions in the past but they were on the money.
 
Great thread!! I'm taking an indefinite single break, but in the mean time I'm working out my vetting process. I'm taking notes ladies, keep em coming!
 
A big thing for me is his online presence, if you pay enough attention you can find out a lot.
-does he have a lot of females in his comments? If so how is he responding to them? If there is a lot of flirtation going on from a large amount of women then it isn't likely to stop just because you're in the picture.

-What type of friends does he have? You are most definitely the company you keep so if your friends are cheaters, liars and no goods then it is likely that you are too. (This isn't always the case but then again do you really want to have to hang with his friends that you hate?)

-Relationship with his mama. Are they close? How close? I don't do mama's boys but it I do appreciate a man that has a healthy relationship with his mother, it says a lot.

-Is he thoughtful? Telling you to text him when you get home and actually means it, checks up on you randomly, opens doors, pulls out chairs and just overall mindful of you and your needs in a genuine consistent manner.

-Is he consistent?!?!?! This is a huuuuuuge one for me, I don't believe in chasing but I will reciprocate effort. I hate when men will disappear for a few days then pop up talking bout "Hey stranger, haven't heard from you"...no boo. I'm the prize, if you thought I was going to hunt you down then you're mistaken.

-How does he dress? This is also a big insight into his mentality, I'm not talking about whether he wears expensive designer labels but has his collection of casual and business casual shoes outgrown his Jordan's or is it the other way around? The occasional sneaker is cool but if that's ALL he wears then to me he is still young minded and probably not employed in an actual career field, merely a job.

-Phone habits, is he always on it? I make an effort to keep my phone put up and away when I am spending time with someone and I am instantly turned off when a man pulls his out, my presence is a blessing so you better act like you know!
 
Love this thread. Great points were already made up top.
  • attentive
  • respectful
  • are you on the phone while we're out
  • do you keep your word
  • i like a man's man....so you plan everything...for our dates ordering the meals..ask me if I;m ok with it..most times I;ll say yes and you order
  • Family oriented
  • cleanliness ...appearance .... clothing...nails....hair...shoes
No FWB for me.legs closed...just living my life keeping fit/healthy/ pushing my career & I know I will meet him soon.

Following for more tips.....
 
Noelle01 said:
-Whether or not the inside of his car is clean when he picks me up.
-His friends. Are his friends successful (or working towards success) and happy? Does he have a lot of female friends? (Red flag if he has a lot of female friends, red flag if his friends are bums). I also look at how he and his friends interact and how his friends interact with me. Do he and his friends try to include me in conversations, or (after the initial "hello") do they act like I don't exist?
-His family. Is his family welcoming towards me? I also look at how he interacts with them as well and how they interact with me.

That's all I can think of right now. I also go off of my gut feeling/intuition and my first impressions, which is kind of hard to explain. I can tell the difference between when I'm just feeling kind of shy because I'm meeting or going out with someone for the first time and when there's something that I can't put my finger on that's making me uncomfortable (or another sinking feeling). Basically, if I feel uncomfortable around him it's a huge red flag.
Click to expand...

I lol'd at the highlighted at first, but giving it more thought, I can totally agree with this. I can't stand messy/disorganized people.

How do you tell the difference between nervousness and creepiness?
Because this is where I have doubts, and fears that I'm letting the wrong people in if I let my guard down.
 
awhyley said:
How do you tell the difference between nervousness and creepiness?
Because this is where I have doubts, and fears that I'm letting the wrong people in if I let my guard down.
Click to expand...
The only other reason I'd get nervous beyond the normal nervousness on a date is if I really like my date, which hasn't really happened. So if I feel an extra nervousness I know it must be my creeper alert going off.
 
awhyley said:
I lol'd at the highlighted at first, but giving it more thought, I can totally agree with this. I can't stand messy/disorganized people.

How do you tell the difference between nervousness and creepiness?
Because this is where I have doubts, and fears that I'm letting the wrong people in if I let my guard down.
Click to expand...

For me, nervousness normally wears off pretty quickly. If I'm continuing to feel nervous throughout the date and like I can't physically relax (being tensed up) then I know it's probably my intuition trying to tell me something. I can't always tell what exactly my intuition is saying. Sometimes I'll get a specific thought along with a feeling and other times it's just a feeling. I'm looking more into learning how to distinguish and pick up on everything my intuition is communicating.
 
Noelle01 said:
...I'm looking more into learning how to distinguish and pick up on everything my intuition is communicating.
Click to expand...

Really smooth guys are good at disarming you and making you feel comfortable, almost like they know how to override your warning system. I think moving slowly, texting as little as possible early on, and really taking time to sort through your thoughts and feelings is really important. You have to be really clear about what you want and set clear boundaries and stick to them. Also, letting go of fairytales and hopes of a prince. Prince Charming only exists in fairytales so if he shows up and seems too good to be true, he probably is. As exciting as it may seem, resist being swept off your feet.

Also some guys are not smooth and use that to disarm you. Oh I'm just an average Joe, kinda goofy, I wouldn't hurt you like Mr. Smooth. Men are slick. We have to be slicker, smarter.

I also think that as women we want things to be really clear and intuition often doesn't work that way. Oftentimes there is just this gnawing feeling that something is off. We have to learn to take that and KIM. By the time that feeling becomes CLEAR it is often too late, in that you may be married or pregnant by then. So yes ask lots of questions and keep asking. This is your life and only a very few select men deserve to have access to you.

I think the important questions to ask are do I feel happy, cared for, valued, safe with this person? You can have crazy chemistry with a guy but not feel secure. You have to ask yourself the right questions and keep asking them. People change and or their masks may slip so keep your eyes, ears, and heart open to truth and most of all, to what's best for YOU. Always keep yourself and your needs as priority number one.

If you have nagging questions, get placated with good "answers," but things still seem "off," trust yourself. Not what he's saying or what someone else is saying, but what your mind, heart, and body are telling you. And be careful about settling because often it's a very slippery slope.

ETA: Another way of looking at is to keep checking in with your mind, heart, and body, and see if they are in alignment. Sometimes your body is like I want him so bad but your mind is like really? Or your heart is falling for him but your body is like IDK, this doesn't feel right. Hope that helps.
 
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Vetting really does come down to your gut and how much you really really love and care about yourself. You can and should do a thorough background check on a guy before getting serious. You can talk to his family and friends. You can check out his social media presence, but everyone keeps going back to your gut and your intuition because many guys can pass all of the tests: no criminal background, nice family, two parents, good job, good credit, no OOW children, take you on dates, and still be a really awful person, still be a cheater, still break your heart. Move slowly, love yourself more than you love anyone (real, deep, unconditional love), resist being swept off your feet, get therapy if you need it, hire a dating coach if you need it, hire a matchmaker if you need it, get support, don't limit yourself re race, career, ethnicity, etc. Always remember that you are the prize. And keep your eyes, ears, heart, mind open. Pay attention. Heed the warning signs. Hooking up with the wrong guy can potentially ruin your life. All of us are too beautiful and precious for that.

And don't waste your energy going over and over what you want with any guy. He don't care. More you talk, the more they know you gonna put up with crap. If he's not it, he's not it. We waste way too much time talking :blah:. Listen and watch, heed, and walk. There's no he's almost it. Either he is good for you or he isn't.
 
So I am actually in the process of creating a checklist to keep myself accountable. I am also intending to bring whoever I am serious about, around my family and friends, early in the process because my mom, sister and bestie have especially good insight into what is best for me/BS.

My biggest issues with men are that I love companionship/closeness/affection so much that I have settled in the past just to experience these things. In the past my judgement has also been clouded when I'm around super fine men lol. However, I recently had a man that I met in another city ask if he could fly in to visit me. I referred to my list and declined because he was missing several key criteria; no settling!

Anyway here are some of the qualities that are on my list:
  • Intelligent
  • Great conversations
  • Sexual attraction
  • Thinks I’m beautiful
  • Tells me I’m beautiful
  • Affectionate
  • Takes me on dates
  • Wants a relationship
  • Wants to get married
  • Wants kids
  • Respects and honours me
  • Cherishes me
  • Is interested in getting to know me as a person
  • Is secure in himself
  • I feel good after spending time with him
  • He contributes positively to my life
  • He supports me
  • We do fun things together
  • He invites me into his life
  • Has a career that he enjoys
  • Well educated
  • Black and proud of his Blackness
  • Pro-Black (including Black women!) and Black conscious
  • Invested in his health
  • Encourages me and delights in my most authentic self
 
Background check. I used to have a list that a male friend asked me to create and i no longer have it but from the top of my head:

-come from a good family
-not a liar(even little white lies)
-nice teeth and hands :lachen:
-a certain amount of money in the bank and pretty much perfect credit(i have access to this)
-no criminal records
-no children as i don't have any
-loves my dog lol
-introverted (very very important. pretty much the opposite of what i am)
-loves me more than i love him
-in a technical field (IT, engineer etc)
-wants to get married (this was when i decided i wanted to get married)
-no crazy exes and doesn't talk **** about them
-nice and respectful to waitstaff and not an a*hole to people generally
-great in bed and puts my needs first sexually
-respected my wishes about wanting kids
-same political views
-not controlling i.e. doesn't care how much i spend or what i spend it on whether it's my money or his
-doesn't let me walk all over him
-indulges me and also lets me know when to cut it out when i throw tantrums :look:
-came from an intact home (parents or step parents still together and love/respect each other)
-driven
-no drugs
-open minded to other cultures/experiences
-not pretentious or superficial
-believes in God or Allah(same thing) and not an extremist or in a cult :look:
-isnt a spendthrift. i believe relationships cant have 2 spenders.
-is not a general creep (pedo or any other sort of weirdo)

i would say DH met 98% of my wants :look: my dates were pretty much interviews and my DH still makes fun of me till this day but dating to marry is serious business.
 
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