what is your take of men who came out of fatherless homes?

[SocialWorker29]

This thread has got me thinking about a lot of things. I was a single mom for 2 years and thank goodness I'm married now so I don't have to do it alone. And I'd like to think that I could have been that woman CBC mentioned in her post - strong and capable of raising a boy into a responsible, mature loving man. But I wonder if we as women aren't sometimes deceiving ourselves especially when I hear women make statements like "I'm his mother and his father, I'm all he needs."
It's a difficult situation for so many reasons. And I'm definitely not saying it can't be done, but with so many women struggling as single parents and all the unfavorable statistics about being raised in a single parent home, well...........(don't know how to end this post, just random thoughts here)

 

[Southernbella.]

I think being raised in a fatherless home can cause lots of issues, but it can also make a man resolve to be the best damn husband/father he can be so that his kids don't have to go through what he did.

My husband's parents divorced early, his dad was a deadbeat, and his mom struggled. He moved out of his mother's house at 18 so that he wouldn't burden her, and he made a pact with himself to never let me or our kids struggle. He was mentored by his pastor, so I believe he did have a good picture of what a man/husband/father should be, even though he didn't grow up that way.

I think we both have issues with trust, intimacy, etc. that we are working though every day (my situation was kind of similar), but we both feel very strongly about parenting and divorce. Sometimes, these things make you stronger and more determined.

 

[MissYocairis]

This thread has got me thinking about a lot of things. I was a single mom for 2 years and thank goodness I'm married now so I don't have to do it alone. And I'd like to think that I could have been that woman CBC mentioned in her post - strong and capable of raising a boy into a responsible, mature loving man. But I wonder if we as women aren't sometimes deceiving ourselves especially when I hear women make statements like "I'm his mother and his father, I'm all he needs." It's a difficult situation for so many reasons. And I'm definitely not saying it can't be done, but with so many women struggling as single parents and all the unfavorable statistics about being raised in a single parent home, well...........(don't know how to end this post, just random thoughts here)

ITA. Women who think like this ARE fooling ourselves and our children. You have to be honest about what your situation is. God didn't create us to conceive alone. Obviously, being alone is not the best scenario. A woman is a woman and a man is a man. PERIOD. We both bring different things to the table so I agree. But, if a divorce occurs or if a dad disappears, a mother has to get proactive about doing the best she can possibly do with what she has to work with.

 

[MissYocairis]

I think being raised in a fatherless home can cause lots of issues, but it can also make a man resolve to be the best damn husband/father he can be so that his kids don't have to go through what he did.

My husband's parents divorced early, his dad was a deadbeat, and his mom struggled. He moved out of his mother's house at 18 so that he wouldn't burden her, and he made a pact with himself to never let me or our kids struggle. He was mentored by his pastor, so I believe he did have a good picture of what a man/husband/father should be, even though he didn't grow up that way.

I think we both have issues with trust, intimacy, etc. that we are working though every day (my situation was kind of similar), but we both feel very strongly about parenting and divorce. Sometimes, these things make you stronger and more determined.

Co-Signing. My ex-husband had a different situation. My current SO, the love of my life, has a situation similar to mine and Lauren's and her husband's and she's right, good men tend to be good IN SPITE OF and tend to resolve never to put their children through certain scenarios they had to deal with. It's individual adaptation.

 

[CreoleInDC]

This thread has got me thinking about a lot of things. I was a single mom for 2 years and thank goodness I'm married now so I don't have to do it alone. And I'd like to think that I could have been that woman CBC mentioned in her post - strong and capable of raising a boy into a responsible, mature loving man. But I wonder if we as women aren't sometimes deceiving ourselves especially when I hear women make statements like "I'm his mother and his father, I'm all he needs."
It's a difficult situation for so many reasons. And I'm definitely not saying it can't be done, but with so many women struggling as single parents and all the unfavorable statistics about being raised in a single parent home, well...........(don't know how to end this post, just random thoughts here)

You're right..there is no end to it. I started looking into it and kinda have come to the conclusion that it's probably better to NOT have a man in your child's life if the man is like the one referred to in this letter I found and posted in another thread:

I found this on a site...and it shocked me. Are all deadbeat dad stories this bad? I know of two personally...and I can't make sense of it.

I had to search through emails from back in the day to find your email addy from some pictures Carla sent of J.C. because I want you to know EXACTLY what intelligent people think of your behavior.

I have to be honest with you when I say you make me pissed off with myself for all the times I continued to tell Carla to give you the benefit of the doubt when it came to you and your lack of support. I know the trials and tribulations of black men first hand and would always ask her to take a step back from her anger and actually LOOK at the bigger picture and how it would affect J.C. later in life. I thought I was doing the RIGHT thing...but man oh man....I was wrong.

I cannot believe the things she has shared with me and I'm oh so disappointed in you. I know this means nothing to you but I believe I and my husband have done more for your son than you have so I can say that.

If you knew what a joy that child is. If you knew how smart he is. If you knew just how wonderful he is. If you knew how blessed he is to have a mother that is capable of giving him a normal middle class life in a world where living below levels of poverty are seemingly the norm in the black community. And instead of supporting her and doing what you should do...you do the stupidest things possible to cause stress in her life.

No one cares that you lost your job because you were drunk. (Even though that's a significant sign that there may be more than a little bit wrong here.) No one cares that you were/are living off some woman for months on end. (And yet...another sign here as a grown man with two children should have more of a sense of responsibility than to live off of a woman...that's just GROSS!) No one cares about you faking to be a Katrina victim (Just wrong and ghetto trifling!) No one cares about any of the "issues" Rick has. When it all boils down to it...the issue is what you are doing for your child. Which is nothing. You're the kind of man who makes you just shake your head in sorrow.

You consider giving her (no I'm sorry...I meant J.C.) $150.00 since JULY something significant? You think that's CHILD SUPPORT? Oh my goodness. Day care alone is $125.00 a week. Not to mention, food, clothes, diapers, educational toys and dvd's, a roof, transportation, medical insurance, doctors appointments, medicine, medical equipment, etc. And you have the AUDACITY TO SEND $125 DOLLARS AND THINK THAT SHOULD DO IT WHEN YOU TOOK YOUR BEHIND TO LOS ANGELES THE WEEKEND BEFORE? HOW DARE YOU THINK YOU CAN GO PARTY WHEN YOU HAVE FINANCIAL RESPONSIBILITIES ELSEWHERE. $150 in ten months is $15 DOLLARS A MONTH! FIFTEEN DOLLARS A MONTH! I'm not talking about having credit so bad that you have to drive an old car...I'm talking about a child. A life. YOUR child.

Men like you are pathetic. How you can sit around somewhere without the guilt just killing you of what you are doing by NOT doing anything? Just sick. You, unfortunately, epitomize what society calls a deadbeat dad and I will never, EVER, tell Carla to give you the benefit of doubt again on ANYTHING!

She was stoopit once for thinking you guys may have been able to work something out...but I'm glad she has ditched that thought and has moved on with her life. I bet it would KILL you to see J.C. enjoying himself in the company of Carla's gentleman friend. And you know what? IT SHOULD! You should feel like a jackazz knowing that the interaction J.C. gets with positive male role models comes from friends and family sources that doesn't include YOU!

You try and talk your way out of anything and I'm sure you're charming to some women...but once they deal with their insecurity issues...I'm SURE those same women see you for the worthless nothing that you are. I bet if they did a news special on you there would be a lot of women who would come forward to say how much you "took" them for because I'm SURE with your lack of skills to do anything but use your mouthpiece...you have conned a lot of women. That condescending tone you have is suited for someone who IS someone. You aren't worth the pittle I just flossed out of my teeth. YOU ARE DISGUSTING!

So Rick... Just wanted you to know how we (and that includes a LOT of people that knows your dumb ***) feel about you. And don't worry about J.C. having good men in his life, because along with his grandfathers (yes...that includes your father), his uncles (yup....your brother too), his cousins, my husband, etc. he has plenty to show him how to grow up to be a real man who contributes to society and is responsible and not like his deadbeat *** father.

The best thing you could do is to sign away your parental rights and never have to worry about dealing with Carla or the inconvenience of the responsibility of having a child. But would you do that? Probably not. Because you have some stoopit hopes that one day he'll do what you never did and actually be a successful businessman or athlete. You'll probably try to con him too. I can see it now..."J.C....what's your social security number so I can put you on my life insurance policy." The next thing you know...you'll be trying to claim the child on your taxes claiming you did this and that and getting credit cards in his name. I wish I could say I didn't believe that...but that's what ghetto baby daddies do.

You think this is none of my business? Well darling you are DEAD WRONG. I love Carla and J.C. and that makes them my/our business as well as her mother's business, J.C.'s godmother's business and any and everyone who have formed the village that is going to raise J.C.. And again...IT DOESN'T INCLUDE YOU! BY YOUR CHOICE ALONE!

No need in writing back. I have added you to my trash filter as I consider you beneath me. Idiot.

I hope you get it together...but I sincerely doubt it. Another black man contributing to the negative sterotypes and statistics. *sigh* Idiot.

 

[cocoberry10]

I think being raised in a fatherless home can cause lots of issues, but it can also make a man resolve to be the best damn husband/father he can be so that his kids don't have to go through what he did.

My husband's parents divorced early, his dad was a deadbeat, and his mom struggled. He moved out of his mother's house at 18 so that he wouldn't burden her, and he made a pact with himself to never let me or our kids struggle. He was mentored by his pastor, so I believe he did have a good picture of what a man/husband/father should be, even though he didn't grow up that way.

I think we both have issues with trust, intimacy, etc. that we are working though every day (my situation was kind of similar), but we both feel very strongly about parenting and divorce. Sometimes, these things make you stronger and more determined.

Bumping. I totally agree with your post Lauren.

 

[Evolving78]

I agree. Looking back on my track record the common denominator wasn't neccesarily being raised in a fatherless home - it was the level of contact with their fathers that seemed to be the problem.

I agree. Men do need their fathers and not having could make or break them. Look at what is going on today.

 

[treybaby2005]

My bf is a product of a fatherless household. His father is incarcerated and from time to time they speak on the phone. While he doesnt appear resentful or angry at his father, he does seem to be rather aloof and distant, like they havent got a THING to talk about. As far as our relationship goes, he's great. Attentive, affectionate, compassionate, respects women to the utmost..his mother did an excellent job, WITHOUT DAD.

I imagine if his dad were around, it would have probably done more harm than good....

I agree with this statement.I think it is purely up to the person to decide what he is going to do with his life with or without dad.In my past experiences, the father was around but for no purpose whatsoever either he was on drugs, abusive,or just there.Just because a man lives with or without a father,it doesn't always mean its a good or bad thing every person is an indivdual.

 

[bLackButtaFly]

I think it's totally indivvidual as well. I came from a deadbeat dad home, and I'm a well rounded, happy person. My ex was from an absentee dad home, and while he's got some relationship issues, he was one of the most dedicated fathers I've seen. Actually a guy I was dating had almost the same past as me, we could've been siblings, and he is one of the most motivated, caring, and just "good" people I've met. Just a very impressive young man, so I think it really depends on the situation and the person.

 

[Caramela]

I think this type of upbringing has the POTENTIAL to be a recipe for disaster. But then again, there is no hard and fast rule. From what I've seen, many mother-only households tend to try to overcompensate with their sons. They cater to them, washing their clothes, making their beds, cooking for them, and not requiring them to work. You've seen grown men living at home in their mama's basement I know you have. They don't have a man around leaving the house everyday going to work... So they quickly learn that a man's role is to lay around, not do anything and allow a woman to take care of them.
This is my take, drawn soley off of what I've seen. I am not making a blanket statement.

 

[MissJ]

After being in a relationship with one, WCG, I don't think I'll ever go down that road again. It's the pits!