What Is My Mom's Problem? (trigger Warning: Child Abuse)

Bunnyhaslonghair

Bunnyhaslonghair

Ebonics Queen
So I'll try to keep this as short as possible. I also don't want to go into too much detail.

There's this family member that sexually abused me as a small child. At about 8-10 years old, several years later, i finally became brave enough to tell my mom. She basically said sorry that happened and says I'll forget about it. She does nothing.

Time goes on and over the years this person doesn't attend close family functions. He however does attend the family reunion every year. Years up into my early 20s I'm forced to go every year to the reunion and see this person and pretend like nothing is wrong! All while feeling panicked, afraid, and anxious inside. All while my mom pretends nothing ever happened and never addresses it. This person even had the evil audacity to try to hug me one year!

I will no longer subject myself to this as an adult. So I don't go to the family reunion. I still go to Xmas and thanksgiving because the abuser does not go.

Every year I don't go, my mom asks me, “why?”. She already knows why. I've explained multiple times why I don't. She acts like she doesn't know each time she asks. She tries to manipulate me by saying, "so and so is asking if you are coming”. Then I tell her straight up that you know why I'm not going and I don't know why you are asking me. I tell her it's because the abuser is there!

She wants me to live in this fantasy land along with her and pretend like it didn't happen. I refuse now because I'm an adult. I won't subject myself to that trauma. As far as I know she has said nothing to this man. She is even friends with him on Facebook. Fine. Whatever. But how dare you pretend like nothing happened to me and you don't know why I'm not going?! I go through this with her every year. I'm tempted to tell other people in my family. That would probably be her nightmare. We also suspect that he abused a cousin of similar age. The abuser was around him a lot as a child. Ive seen the cousin avoid him at the family reunion and seem uncomfortable too.
 
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It's been said that you're only as sick as your secrets. I think you should tell other family members. Don't give the molester a chance to molest again. Your mom may have been a victim as well and talking about what happened to you brings up bad memories. She may also be the type who likes to pretend all is perfect in their life. If it were me I'd tell my mom she has to get counseling or I'm cutting her off. You shouldn't be questioned about why you don't want to be around a known molester. Even worse you shouldn't be forced or guilted into being around him.
 
So sorry OP! This is a horrible position to be put in by a parent, especially your Mommy! I'm not judging you but it would really be hard to have a loving and trusting relationship with someone who wouldn't acknowledge my feelings!

Maybe you guys need to sit down with a counselor!
 
The above post is why you should say something. He could be hurting others as we speak. Also this is a way for you to take back control. I had a close encounter when I was 12 with a funny uncle. Before he could get anywhere my Spidey senses went off and my lungs went to town. I sang that ish from the rooftops until he was forced to leave the house. Decades later and he still can't look me in the eye whenever we have a party. And I have no fear talking to him. I would say it's more mild contempt....and he knows it.
 
Your mother's refusal to acknowledge your abuse is abuse in itself. She failed you. I know you say that is fine that she is Facebook friends with your abuser but that is NOT OK. She owes you loyalty and protection. I think you should go to counselling with her and really tell her how she has hurt you. I'm so sorry you are going through this. You deserve better.
 
luving me said:
It's been said that you're only as sick as your secrets. I think you should tell other family members. Don't give the molester a chance to molest again. Your mom may have been a victim as well and talking about what happened to you brings up bad memories. She may also be the type who likes to pretend all is perfect in their life. If it were me I'd tell my mom she has to get counseling or I'm cutting her off. You shouldn't be questioned about why you don't want to be around a known molester. Even worse you shouldn't be forced or guilted into being around him.
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When the time is right im going to bring it up to someone I trust. I've gotten therapy in my adult years but not her. This has definitely affected our relationship. She said she was going to find us a therapist to go to but never did. I don't want to pay for our therapy and mine. Mine is expensive. I think she should put in some effort to fix things too. She lives in so much denial. I wouldn't be surprised if she has experienced trauma as well like you all are saying.
 
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lesedi said:
Your mother's refusal to acknowledge your abuse is abuse in itself. She failed you. I know you say that is fine that she is Facebook friends with your abuser but that is NOT OK. She owes you loyalty and protection. I think you should go to counselling with her and really tell her how she has hurt you. I'm so sorry you are going through this. You deserve better.
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This all came to a head last year. I finally blew up. I told her i felt like she failed me and didn't protect me. (Things I couldn't verbalize as a child) The language you all are using is so similar to what I said to her! I thought things would change after that but it hasn't much. No effort has been made by her to get therapy even though she said she would. I honestly feel too salty to do the leg work on my own to find a therapist and pay for us. I feel like she should put in some work! I'm the child. She will however give me money and gifts like never before because she feels guilty. :(
 
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Bunnyhaslonghair said:
This all came to a head last year. I finally blew up. I told her i felt like she failed me and didn't protect me. (Things I couldn't verbalize as a child) The language you all are using is so similar to what I said to her! I thought things would change after that but it hasn't much. No effort has been made by her to get therapy even though she said she would. I honestly feel too salty to do the leg work on my own to find a therapist and pay for us. I feel like she should put in some work! I'm the child. She will however give me money and gifts like never before because she feels guilty. :(
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I hear you and can hear your pain. I don't understand why she isn't doing something about it now, it's not too late for her to confront your abuser or cut him out of her life. She needs to stop covering stuff up in an attempt to placate you, who is she really protecting here??
I think you need to be hardline with your mother, and I think you have to do therapy together. I think she will completely avoid the topic if she goes alone. I know you don't want to do the leg work again but I think you should set up an appointment for the two of you. I feel like it won't happen unless you get the ball rolling...
 
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I am very sorry. If I had a daughter she would be afraid to tell me something like that because of the subsequent actions I would do that would land me in serious trouble. I can not understand why a mother would put other people's feelings/public appearance before their child's protection.
 
I don't know if I can give you advice. I just want to give you a hug and tell you to trust yourself. Your safety emotionally and physically is the priority, period. Limit your contact with him. Go to funerals and visit parents. Make it known to other family members that you do not care to be in his presence.


I always advocate for self protection. No one could protect you as a child, but you can now opt to protect yourself and your children should you have any.


Dont let anyone make you feel guilty for choices you make your your health.

P.S. I think it is generational. Black women had very few avenues for justice so they stuffed their pain.
 
I remember this doctor who used to make advances on me at 16. He also did it to someone I consider my little sister. Apparently my little sister's mom didn't believe her but I did because I know what he did to me. One day he came over while her mom was gone but I was there along with a friend and the house maid. I was rude rude rude to him and protected her like she was my child. My friend was scared and hid in the closet. I cussed at him so badly and he threatened to "eat me" because he was a demon (some reference to vodun relagion). This would normally scare someone but I stood there and told him to go ahead a eat me. I don't believe I ever said anything to him again and no adult ever asked me why.

I tend to be a little bit of a pushover because I can't see how people would set out to use me when I do my best to be kind to others. I'm growing up and I'm learning that people are ruthless, heartless and self serving. Always always asking myself, what's in it for them? BecauSe self interest is THE governing rule for all human beings. All that to say, when I'm pushed in a corner or when my convictions are so strong, I am fearless. I will let a demon eat me alive if I'm defending a loved one or my belief. Shame on your mother. Shame. My heart is sad for you because I can imagine how that shaped your definition of trust or what that even looks like. (((hugs)))
The second post in this thread was simple and I felt it was very sincere. Almost with a sadness that nothing could ever undo that pain. But I hope that counseling could help heal and help her acknowledge her wrong doings.

Smdh
 
Your mom betrays you every time she pretends nothing happened. Tell her you're done answering the stupid question of why you don't want to join events with your molester there.
If you're up for it, consider also telling other family members - if they ask - that you're not joining because of his presence. And, if there are little girls in your family circle, tell their parents to watch out for him. If your mom has a problem with it, you can let her know you're doing for these little girls what nobody did for you.
I'm sick to death of people selling little girls down the river to protect these nasty men.
 
Something similar happened to me, though with many more twists and turns in the story.
The offender still hangs out with my family and they are all Facebook friends with him. None of that is right. If they're okay being friends with him, then I know they are unable to be babysitters for me. Their judgment cannot be trusted. It's gotten to where I don't consider these people real family. Family shouldn't do things like that.
Only my brother stood up for me at the time and he's my closest family member today.
Hopefully your offender isn't still harming others, but getting the word out to others is the best I've found for my sanity.
 
I'm sorry this happened to you. I'm sorry your mother didn't protect you.

I work with abused children and unfortunately your story is all too common.

I'm crazy and over protective with my kids for this reason. The abusers get protected because folks want to keep the peace.

Don't back down. You are doing the right thing for you and your healing.
 
Hugs to you baby girl. I am so sorry the abuse occurred and that your mom did not protect you and is not strong enough to stand up to and expose the abuser. It really is awful. You keep staying away from him. Quit responding to your mom's questions. You don't have to explain anything about that ever again to her. Her asking innocently over and over is abusive in itself. You've been through enough. Spend your money and resources on your healing for now. Take good care of you.

My mother did something similar to your mom and I internalized it to mean that I wasn't worth protecting, that it was too much of a bother and burden to keep me safe. I couldn't shake that (subconscious) feeling until she died. It wasn't until then that I knew just how deeply she loved me. She was just flawed. Focus on healing the best you can. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.
 
Same thing happened to a friend of mine. She was new to the US and moved in with her uncle and his family. Her uncle wanted payment in sex for taking care of her. He said that all these restrictions about sex with family members was BS. Nothing is wrong with showing appreciation. She told her father because that was his brother. Zero reaction. Nothing. His brother gives him money. The power of the $$.
Her father is a real piece of work. You need a 300 page novel to articulate all the stuff he has done to his wife and two daughters. My friend is so bitter and messed up to the point that she is deathly afraid of black men and will not date them. She's been played by non BM before but the fact that none has tried to rape her, makes them better partners. She's never gone for counseling either. Her mother is also paralyzed by abuse from her inlaws. These are very well educated women with plenty of resources but they are trapped in a cycle of mental anguish.
 
The family reunion was yesterday afternoon. To those of you who gave me e-hugs, that support and encouraging words really helped me get though the day. My mom made me feel guilty for not going with her questions. Even though I already validated my actions myself, it felt good to have people agree that I'm doing the right thing and help me combat that guilty feeling. It meant a lot. Thank you!

:bighug:
 
I am sorry to hear this happened to you. You are such a strong person to carry that burden with you everyday. Although I've never walked a day in your shoes, my advice to you would be to focus on healing. Do not focus on your mother or the other family members because YOU CANNOT CONTROL THEIR BEHAVIOR. You can only control how you respond to it. Your avoidance of them is to be expected. You are hurt and need time for your wounds to heal. Take care of yourself. If your mother never responds how you feel she should respond, so be it. That is her burden. LOVE YOURSELF. Surround yourself with people who will love you and respect you in a healthy way (which may not be family/relatives). You deserve it.:bighug:
 
Bunny, I am so sorry you were betrayed by people who should protect and love you. *hugs*

I always enjoy your posts, and hope you continue to focus on healing for your own sake.
It would be nice if your mom seeks therapy with you, but if not, pls continue on. I don't have children but I have nieces and nephews that if someone looks like they may hurt them, they'd have a problem with me. Mankind can be so disgusting and sadly sometimes those we expect more from aren't able (or willing) to fulfill their role in the family to create a safe and happy family life. Pls consider telling someone you trust in the family. Others need to know about this predator! Your mom constantly asking 'why' is so abusive. If others you trust are aware, no doubt that would help give you strength to deal with this ongoing pain. Again *hugs*, and I wish you peace.
 
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