What do you think?

[kismettt]

So I know this forum is semi-biased so I'm going to attempt to present this in a clear way.

Facts:
- getting married in June
- future wife is graduating college in March, no job (outside of work study)
**also, she has to move out of college apartment in March (which was paid for by financial aid, & she will either have to move back home or move into another apartment, but barely has enough now for security deposit & rent, FH has offered to help)
- future husband graduated a couple years ago. is currently a paramedic & has applied for med schools (plans to start in fall)
- FW's parents are paying for most of the wedding.
- FW & FH plan to pay about $1,800.
- FH has nagged FW about all the expenses & has said they shouldn't go out, etc so they can save money.

Problem:
- FH wants to volunteer in Haiti, FW does not support this at this time because they are in transition for the next 4 months
- FH applied to a program but didn't think they were accepting volunteers
- He was accepted, will be leaving for 2 weeks at the end of February
- He has to pay out of pocket to go over there. AT LEAST $1,000.


FW is pissed. She doesn't think they can afford it PLUS he has been going on & on about how she shouldn't be spending money on this & that (for their wedding).

so what do you think? should he go?

EDIT: Apparently she made a deal w/ him that he can only go one week, not two.

 

[kismettt]

no opinons?

hm. well i think she is being selfish, but so is he. if they are so tight on money, he shouldn't be going off to Haiti to help if his home is not secure first. But at the same time, I don't think she should be as controlling. (when she told me they compromised to 1 week, not 2. she was like "he complained but i told him not to push his luck". like he was a child asking for permission for something).

 

[blasianbeauty]

no opinons?

hm. well i think she is being selfish, but so is he. if they are so tight on money, he shouldn't be going off to Haiti to help if his home is not secure first. But at the same time, I don't think she should be as controlling. (when she told me they compromised to 1 week, not 2. she was like "he complained but i told him not to push his luck". like he was a child asking for permission for something).

Well, it's great that they both compromised on the situation, although neither of them are happy. I think your friend is being a bit controlling. He's spending money to help for a good cause and not just on random unnecessary things. Has she calmed down on wanting to go out and stuff?

I mean, her parents are paying $1,800 for the wedding...do you know what the total cost is? Perhaps they can't afford an extravagent one and they BOTH need to go sit down somewhere and be glad that someone is even helping them out with the wedding expenses.

 

[Dak]

Personally, I love the idea of a man that's willing to go volunteer in Haiti. To be of service to the world.

I can see being disappointed, not having the big wedding they were hoping for, but I'm not into big fufu weddings. I'd rather be proud of my husband for being of service, than bore people with my wedding album pictures.

 

[kismettt]

Well, it's great that they both compromised on the situation, although neither of them are happy. I think your friend is being a bit controlling. He's spending money to help for a good cause and not just on random unnecessary things. Has she calmed down on wanting to go out and stuff?

I mean, her parents are paying $1,800 for the wedding...do you know what the total cost is? Perhaps they can't afford an extravagent one and they BOTH need to go sit down somewhere and be glad that someone is even helping them out with the wedding expenses.

her parents are paying over $9,000 so far for the wedding, their share is $1,800. her wedding isn't really that extravagant (her parents just want to invite everyone they know, haha). i don't feel like he will be saving a lot by only going for one week over two (he still has to buy a round trip ticket & she said she thinks that is the biggest expense. idk how much food & everything else would cost).

 

[Dak]

I do think this is a red flag; they both seem to have different priorities in life.

 

[aribell]

I also see a difference between volunteering in Haiti and going out to eat, a big one. But as worthwhile as that trip may be, that doesn't mean that he's not being inconsiderate. He could still be making decisions without really sitting down and coming to an agreement with her, which may be more what their problem is.

 

[CarolinaGal]

I think that they'll be able to write the trip expenses off on their taxes. Haiti relief efforts are tax deductible for the 2009 tax year, so that's an upside. It's nice to know that the FH has a heart for helping people and a heart of compassion. I hope FW will be able to appreciate that in her man. People are suffering so badly and skilled medical professionals are desperately needed. I'm sure FW wants the perfect wedding like a lot of us ladies, but maybe sacrificing an extra layer of wedding cake isn't so bad. She's getting married so it will be a beautiful and glorious day regardless. I just think that the trip to Haiti is serving a higher purpose.

 

[ThickHair]

her parents are paying over $9,000 so far for the wedding, their share is $1,800. her wedding isn't really that extravagant (her parents just want to invite everyone they know, haha). i don't feel like he will be saving a lot by only going for one week over two (he still has to buy a round trip ticket & she said she thinks that is the biggest expense. idk how much food & everything else would cost).

If they are bickering over this, it won't get better after marriage. If said couple is have problems with $$, why don't they just go to the JP and get married and use the 9k from the parents to get their life started off right.

I think it is great the FH wants to volunteer in Haiti, great character. I think FW is being a baby and wants things to go according to her schedule. While they both need to be flexible it sounds like kids trying to play grown-up.

 

[MissYocairis]

Methinks FW better take a good look at what she is doing. When you are with a man who has a genuine commitment to serve, he will do it whether you like it or not. He was born for it. It's a gift from God to the world. He is going to have to do it...to follow his own purpose. If she doesn't like it now, she's going to hate it when it resurfaces after they are married...and it will.

There is no negotiating with someone's purpose. Either love them for who they are and what they are giving to the world or walk away because to give them grief about it is to only shove a wedge between you that will get worse with time.

One of the things about this that lets me know he's born to do this is that he was led to volunteer even though he has been focused on the wedding and finances. This tragedy trumped those concerns...that's when you know God put it in you to give. She's got to let him give. Be supportive. Hold down the front while he is gone and let him know how much she respects what he is doing.

 

[Carrie A]

FW and FH should also discuss how finances will be handled over the next few years. FW will be bringing home the bacon for the next four years while FH is in med school.