What did you learn from your past relationship(s)?

[Innocent_Kiss]

Well, my two and a half relationship has recently come to an end, and I am SO PROUD of myself. So many times I tried parting ways. Everyone would tell me "yea right" when I turned to them for encouragement. I prayed and asked God for strength, and finally, I DID IT! *WOOT WOOT*

So, this is what I took away from it:

- The absolute only person that I can change in any relationship, is me. It is not my responsibility to grow any one up, or mold them into the person I want them to be.

- I am responsible for my own happiness; from that, here's my new found philosophy: "No one can make you happy but you, and to expect otherwise is to create a dependency that disempowers you." -Ebonie Nicole Flynn ...I'd allowed my ex to take me from extreme highs to the lows of lows. I used to complain that "he made me feel this way" until it came to me, like an epiphany (LOL! Thats my song) and I realized I gave him that power.

- That relationship forced me to face issues in my childhood that I tried subconsciously forgetting. I am so thankful for that because it has been a stepping stone to healing.

- If he'll hit you once, he'll do it again - and if a man can bring himself to do it once, there's a host of things he's capable of and willing to do to you.

- If a man makes you so upset to the point that you want to hit HIM, then you shouldn't be there.

- Love doesn't hurt.

Yes, I'm excited! So, PLEASE EXCUSE ME! I feel like a burden has been lifted from my shoulders. *doing the moonwalk*

 

[misstobz]

Good for you!! There are just way too many men in this world to settle for someone who doesn’t have the qualities you are looking for. I just came out of a 1.5 year relationship and have learnt a lot too:
-Women's intuition is very powerful, like a gift from God. lol. Dont ignore it!
-As you said you can’t change a man. You can only change yourself and if someone is not prepared to make changes that strengthen the relationship and make him a better man then move on. I hate feeling like I am dealing with a child...it is exhausting.
-You have to share the same values/belief systems-faith, family, finances, careers, relationships etc. You just have to be on the same page when it come to these critical matters.
-A person's true character/maturity/strength is revealed during the tough and trying times. Pay attention to how a man handles things during these make or break times
-A man will treat you how you let him treat you. If there is are behaviors/attitudes he has that hurtful or disrespectful, put your foot down and let him know that is not gonna fly with you and whatever your consequences are follow through.
-Overall I think a relationship should support your growth (faith, character, aspirations etc), make you feel safe and secure, feel loved and a sense of belonging. It shouldn’t be chipping away at your sense of self worth/self esteem, negatively impacting your social life, work, school etc. That is not a healthy relationship.
- Have your own life-hobbies, friends/support system. You were a complete person before you met him. A man does not complete you. God completes you. If you are looking for a man to validate you/make you happy/fill some void...I GUARANTEE YOU WILL BE VERY DISAPPOINTED. By the his sheer human nature, he cannot fulfill these needs in your life.
- Actions speak louder than words! They really do!!!

OMG I could go on and on....lol. I am really happy for you. Be strong, enjoy getting to know yourself all over again and I know there is a young man out there who will love and cherish you just as you are-his queen 

 

[Innocent_Kiss]

Good for you!! There are just way too many men in this world to settle for someone who doesn’t have the qualities you are looking for. I just came out of a 1.5 year relationship and have learnt a lot too:
-Women's intuition is very powerful, like a gift from God. lol. Dont ignore it!
-As you said you can’t change a man. You can only change yourself and if someone is not prepared to make changes that strengthen the relationship and make him a better man then move on. I hate feeling like I am dealing with a child...it is exhausting.
-You have to share the same values/belief systems-faith, family, finances, careers, relationships etc. You just have to be on the same page when it come to these critical matters.
-A person's true character/maturity/strength is revealed during the tough and trying times. Pay attention to how a man handles things during these make or break times
-A man will treat you how you let him treat you. If there is are behaviors/attitudes he has that hurtful or disrespectful, put your foot down and let him know that is not gonna fly with you and whatever your consequences are follow through.
-Overall I think a relationship should support your growth (faith, character, aspirations etc), make you feel safe and secure, feel loved and a sense of belonging. It shouldn’t be chipping away at your sense of self worth/self esteem, negatively impacting your social life, work, school etc. That is not a healthy relationship.
- Have your own life-hobbies, friends/support system. You were a complete person before you met him. A man does not complete you. God completes you. If you are looking for a man to validate you/make you happy/fill some void...I GUARANTEE YOU WILL BE VERY DISAPPOINTED. By the his sheer human nature, he cannot fulfill these needs in your life.
- Actions speak louder than words! They really do!!!

OMG I could go on and on....lol. I am really happy for you. Be strong, enjoy getting to know yourself all over again and I know there is a young man out there who will love and cherish you just as you are-his queen 

*tear* that was beautiful! I totally agree on having your own life! Personally, I got so wrapped up in that relationship that I'd completely lost myself excellent points!

 

[ad0rkabletash]

A month ago, I got out of a relationship that lasted four years. That was entirely TOO long... Lord knows that we broke up a million times only to get right back together! I finally had enough, although no one in my family believes me because of past breakups. At least I learned a lot a lot from it.


- Listen to your intuition! Those 'gut feelings' are there for a reason... and in a lot of situations, they turn out to be 100% correct!

- You shouldn't be with someone because he has great potential. Date him for who he is at the moment and don't try to change him. You can shout til you're blue in the face about how your SO needs to do X, Y, and Z, but until he sees that for himself, nothing will happen!

- A man's friends will tell you a LOT about his character. If they have qualities that you don't like, then don't be surprised your man shares them.

- Say what's on your mind. Don't hold back your true thoughts just because you don't want to start drama or hurt him. In the end, the hurt person will be you.

- If the relationship was rocky with regular contact, then a long distance relationship is not a good idea. If you didn't trust each other when you were in the same city, how is that going to improve when you're miles and miles away?

- If you are the one doing all the "work" in the relationship, then you need to take a long hard look at that relationship.

- It sounds like a no brainer, but have your own life outside of him! Don't drop your social life and hobbies because you have a man... he can't do everything for you.


I probably have more, but I just had a major brain fart.
I'm just going to enjoy my

 

[BeautifulFlower]

- If you pray to God to reveal this man's intentions to you, and you get an answer you do not like, changing your mind will not change the man. Listen to God answers, it will save you ALOT of headache and drama.

- If you have to ask if the relationship is worth it, it probably isnt.

- How do you know he's ready, he will pursue and commit. NO EXCEPTIONS!

- NEVER wait for a man to get himself together if you are ready now.

- Women let men get away with too much. He should pay more than majority of the time. Money is very important to men. If he's spending on you, he's investing in the relationship.

- If he can not communicate his feelings about you to you, you will be miserable in the long run.

- Good sex with a bad guy will cause you to make bad choices.

- A man can say I love you and lie to you with the same tongue.

- If you're working more on the relationship then he is, you are pursuing him. Pursuing him will lead to insecurity and you'll be very unhappy in the end. Oh and it will end...believe that.

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

LOL, I learned that I tend to "take things" for a long time... and let resentment build while I'm trying to "grow past hurts." I still tend to do that... BUT, at the same time, when I finally "tell em how I feel," I can go hard. Not verbally abusive, but I will let you know exactly how I feel no-holds-barred and only wish I had said something earlier.

Now, I do that more often with DH (tell him how I feel... REALLY)... after 3.5 years. I kind of hate to be so blunt, but I'm not sure I know the art of dainty sugarcoating.

Again, I'm not saying anything I'd regret... or that can be seen as intentionally hurtful, just.... blunt.

 

[yokoyokogirl]

If something feels wrong, it probably is.

 

[HisBestFriend]

- Commitment, Compassion, and Compromise stave off Complacency

- Be yourself and have your own space

- Those things that are amusingly annoying now can/will become sticking points later. Decide, can you/will you learn to deal

- Every misdeed of the past does not have to be revealed to have a great future

- Put each other before any other adult on this earth

 

[lux10023]

that just as women look for men with good job, $$$, etc etc men do too--men can be gold diggers too and opportunist--if they see a fly diva with a family that has dough--so be careful and keep two eyes open...

never settle for anything less than the best--BUT u gotta come to the table with what you are seeking

good vay-jay-jay means nuttin at all--its aint keep a man 20 yrs ago and it aint keepin a man now---

being single and happy is better than bein in a rlp unhappy--ladies seek happineess within yourself first and the rest will fall into place

god has a plan for u and mr right--u will recognize him when u meet him...

its good to actively date---lets u know what u like and what u dont--nothing wrong with having a steady small rotation of men---

and most of all---a man should treat u like a queen and u should in turn treat him the same--if he is the one---24/7 365--and this treatment comes in many forms not just materialistic items

 

[Ediese]

I posted this in another thread, but wanted to add it here.

This is the first time that I've done some introspection after I've gotten out of a relationship, but I think it is definitely necessary. These are things that I've learned, and will be able to apply towards my next relationship.

1. Take my time to get to know him -- take things slow
2. NO sleepovers
3. I'm a really sexual person when I feel emotionally connected to someone, but I think I'm going to wait longer to become intimate with him. Would like to build something stronger before intimacy is introduced
4. Better communication
5. Still have my life (don't make everything about him) big mistake in last relationship
6. Give the same energy amount of energy that I receive
7. Take things slow
8. Practice celibacy. (just so an firmer, solid foundation is formed before sex)

 

[tiara76]

who i am...relationships and people reflected back to me myself....what i didn't like i changed what i did i enhanced....they have all been extremely helpful and beneficial in my growth

 

[SimpleKomplexity]

You have to set yourself some standards, and some good ones at that.

Celibacy is great for those who quickly fall in love with me, just so you don't see the relationship through rose colored glasses

Don't be afraid to be the woman. Let him be the man. A true man will open doors, be gentle, be a good listener, and respect your wishes

It's okay to say no. Say it as often as needed and mean it.

Always put yourself first. Don't give up your life for a man.

 

[Innocent_Kiss]

Great points, ladies. Thanks so much for sharing I'd like to also say that I remember reading an excellent point in the book 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. It explained how we must achieve independence before being interdependent with someone else. With that in mind, I decided to post pone dating for a while. I need to be complete and whole before calling myself committing to someone else. At one point in my last relationship, I became dependent upon it. Subsonciously needing it to validate myself. Using time with him to escape wounds and hurts, and so I stayed for so long because I felt I needed him. I'll be experiencing some major healing before I began dating again.

In a nutshell: Be complete as a individual before sharing yourself with someone else.

 

[vevster]

Don't ignore stuff....

 

[Makenzie]

I posted this in another thread, but wanted to add it here.

This is the first time that I've done some introspection after I've gotten out of a relationship, but I think it is definitely necessary. These are things that I've learned, and will be able to apply towards my next relationship.

1. Take my time to get to know him -- take things slow
2. NO sleepovers
3. I'm a really sexual person when I feel emotionally connected to someone, but I think I'm going to wait longer to become intimate with him. Would like to build something stronger before intimacy is introduced
4. Better communication
5. Still have my life (don't make everything about him) big mistake in last relationship
6. Give the same energy amount of energy that I receive
7. Take things slow
8. Practice celibacy. (just so an firmer, solid foundation is formed before sex)

Don't ignore stuff....

These are pretty much what I was gonna say. I was telling a co-worker yester that I am celibate and thoroughly happy about it. Sex interferes with thinking clearly. I don't want to be attached to the wrong person.

Once you feel something is not right, listen!! You will regret it later if you don't. Don't date potential.

 

[cocopuff]

Learn to let go of a stressful situation instead of holding on and trying to make it work, (especially when the other person isn't trying). Take control of it, don't let it control you.

 

[jennboo]

What I learned?

Don't get into a relationship with a person who does not have a green card, LOL.

 

[JinaRicci]

this thread is so good it should be a sticky.

I learnt what many women have said- go with your gut. we know when something's wrong- don't doubt yourself- no matter what he says.