“victims Of Unsynchronized Passion”...can't Tell If My Life Is A Hemingway Novel, Hallmark Movie, Or

[ThePerfectScore]

Can't tell if my life is a Hemingway Novel, Hallmark Movie, Shondaland Drama, or if Mona Scott, Andy Cohen, and Ryan Seacrest all got together to make my life a Reality Show...I figured it out... Woody Allen is directing...

So y'all know I have an iffy relationship with the concept of a personified God, but boy oh' boy does the Universe keep testing me with the concept of a divine plan. The things that happen in my life can sometimes be so serendipitous and ironic, that it can't just be happenstance.

• In a huge act of vulnerability, I shared some of my poems about my relationship with my ex.

• Here's the history between us.

(Unpoetic tl;dr: Guy who won't commit bought me flowers out of jealous on Nov 17th. And they are red and yellow colors symbolizing love and friendship. And the metaphors don't stop there. The flowers won't die. They are cut, and the steams are sprouting new leaves. We had an on again off again relationship for a year. I cut him off for 6 years, then decided to reach out of nostalgia. And I ended up falling back in love with him over the course of 6 months, but then realized he still ain't ish.)

Last night I shared my poem with him. We've always been open, sometimes uncomfortably forthcoming with the truth ...eventually. (He did cheat on me, so the honesty was delayed to say the least.) But we've had open and honest conversation about everything when we reconnected this year.

When I sent him the poem I prefixed it with a text:

"You were my muse tonight.... and I wrote a poem about you and posted it on Facebook. The docent will make a special stop at this exhibit in my museum and mention you, so you’re welcome for being a part of my legacy almost like how Gala was to Dali or Zelda was to Fitzgerald, but probably more like how Ike was to Tina or Bobby was to Whitney, or you know what, more so like every guy was to Taylor Swift."

He listened to the poem and sent me this, "It just seems like I am not a good thing for you. I don’t think any relationship you can compare to Ike and Tina or Bobby and Whitney is something you should continue."

It dawned on me as I look at what's left of my bouquet that the flowers tell the story.

Continuation of our texts...

"You want to know the poetry in all this? You know how people do the "he loves me, he loves me not" with the petals. And how red is romantic love and yellow is friendship.

Well the most beautiful flower in that bouquet was red. And it was the biggest, the brightest, and the last one to die. But it had its glory and eventually faded away.

But the yellow rose. The friendship. It never blossomed. It never opened, but it didn't crumble and decay. It's like it's persevered in time. Frozen in time much like our friendship was dormant for 6 years.

And the roots had to be cut off. The roots are our past. All the hurt and tomfoolery.

And from its stems it's sprouting new leaves. That's our future as platonic friends.

I do want you in my life forever, but I needed to figure out what I wanted. Accept what you can give and can't give me. And heal from the past.

See those red petals that fell off accidentally, that symbolizes us falling in love accidentally. Negro, that bouquet was some mystical magical Hallmark Christmas Movie mess!Very eerie!!!!!!!!!!

OMG!!! So I am watching my Favorite TV Show “Younger” on TV Land, and I pressed pause to send you that message, and I just pressed play, and it’s a scene where they are talking about Ernest Hemingway’s relationship with Marlene Dietrich. And Hemingway was quoted as describing him and Marlene as, 'victims of unsynchronized passion'.

THAT’S SO US!! OMG this is so beautiful. Our story comes full circle! This is the most perfect closure, yet new beginning I could have ever asked for . I couldn’t have written a better script if I had tried!!!!"

Then he replies, "Crazy how it comes together like that. I was joking about the beauty and the beast flowers but it might be true."

"YEahhhhhh....TALE AS OOOOLLLLLLLDDDD assss timmmmmeeee"

[[["It’s ok lol"]]] He tried to stop my song!

"SSOOONNGGG ASSSS OLLLDDD ASSS RHYMMMMMMEEE BBEEEAAAUUUUUUUTYYYYY ANNNNNNNNDDD THEEEEEEEE F-KBOI!"


Him: "That means I’m a ferocious beast man creature."

I love when you can find the symbolism in life. Can't make this stuff up if I tried....


....(I do own the rights to this story, so no funny business. If I see the likeness of my story pop up in these streets, and I don't get a check. I got lawyers on deck.) lol... This reminds me of the pending Xscape movie that was supposed to come out. Dang it hurts when someone else is going to tell your story and cash the check.

 

[ThePerfectScore]

I turned the vase around, the part that's getting sun is growing like crazy!!!

Anyway, my friend who introduced us. I wanted to tell her about the flowers, so I'm just copying and pasting from LHCF. I texted the guy on an unrelated note, and then I said, "Hey, Siri play Pandora." Well this trix gonna play my Apple Music. And Jason Mraz is our artist. And our break up song was "You and I Both".

In fact "You and I Both" randomly playing was the reason I reached out to him after 6 years of not speaking. I was thinking about him hard, and I was playing "You and I Both" because it made me think about him. And I was just randomly reading our old messages, and as Y&IB was playing I read where he sent me the link to the YouTube video for that song.

Lyrics

"You And I Both"

Was it you who spoke the words that things would happen but not to me
Oh things are gonna happen naturally
Oh taking your advice I'm looking on the bright side
And balancing the whole thing
But often times those words get tangled up in lines
And the bright lights turn to night
Until the dawn it brings
Another day to sing about the magic that was you and me

Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just read of
Others only read of the love, the love that I love.

See I'm all about them words
Over numbers, unencumbered numbered words
Hundreds of pages, pages, pages for words
More words then I had ever heard and I feel so alive

Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just read of
And if you could see me now,
Oh love, no
You and I, you and I
Not so little you and I anymore, mmm...
And with this silence brings a moral story
More importantly evolving is the glory of a boy

Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just read of
And if you could see me now
Well I'm almost finally out of
I'm finally out of
Finally deedeedeedee
Well I'm almost finally, finally
Well I'm free, oh, I'm free

And it's okay if you have to go away
Oh just remember the telephone works both ways
And if I never ever hear them ring
If nothing else I'll think the bells inside
Have finally found you someone else and that's okay
Cause I'll remember everything you sang

Cause you and I both loved what you and I spoke of
and others just read of and if you could see me now
well then I'm almost finally out of.
I'm finally out of, finally, deedeeededede
well I'm almost finally, finally, out of words.

Can I tell you I cried real Thug Tears... and I was having my Rev Run moment so I was taking a bubble bath in my garden tub. (hella dramatic setting.)

Anyway, so when Siri decided to NOT follow directions today she started to play all my iTunes songs in alphabetical order, so it played "Absolutely Zero" by Jason Mraz, which really illustrates where we are in our relationship right now.


Song + Lyrics

You. You were a friend
You were a friend of mine I let you spend the night
You see how it was my fault

(We started off in college as just FWB... and then he caught feelings....and then I caught feelings... Then I caught him cheating with his ex-gf a year later...at least nothing else was caught )

Of course it was mine
I'm too hard at work
Have you ever heard of anything so absurd ever in your life
I'm sorry for wasting your time


Who am I to say this situation isn't great?
It's my job to make the most of it
Of course I didn't know that it would happen to me
Not that easy


Hey what's that you say?
You're not blaming me for anything that's great
But I don't break that easy
Does it fade away?
So that's why I'm apologizing now for telling you I thought that we could make it
I just don't get enough to believe that we've both changed


Who am I to say this situation isn't great? It's my time to make the most of it
How could I ever know that this would happen to me, not that easy, no
All along the fault is up for grabs why don't you have it
Well it's for sale go make your offer, I'll sell it for no less than what I bought it for
Pay no more than absolutely zero


Well neither one of us deserves the blame because opportunities moved us away
And it's not an easy thing to learn to play a game that's made for two that's you and me
The rules remain a mystery. See it can be easy


Who am I to say this situation isn't great? It's our time to make the most of it
How could we ever know that this would happen to me, not that easy, no
All along the fault is up for grabs and there you have it
Well it's for sale go make your offer, I'll sell it for no less than what I bought it for
Pay no more than absolutely zero.

So then I show him pictures of the bouquet, which I'm calling our Love Fern like from "How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days"...

Then I tell him remember when I said you were my soulmate (which I firmly believe he is),

But the author of "Eat, Pray Love" says we have the wrong idea about Soulmates

https://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/5961864

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants, but a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you will ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake.”

“‘You think it’s all roses and happiness. A soul mate is somebody who changes you. And then, sometimes, they have to leave because the intensity of the relationship is so much that you can’t actually have [stability].’”

Rather than look to a “soul mate” for lasting love or marriage, Gilbert now believes in looking for something different.

“Your partner is something else,” Gilbert says. “That’s your friend. My husband is my best friend. He’s not the mirror that holds up my flaws. He’s just the guy who’s like, ‘I think you’re terrific’... It’s just simple, showing up for each other.”

 

[SweetNic_JA]

I've never before seen flowers do that! Wow.
Not sure what (if anything) this symbolizes, but I don't blame you for trying to make a correlation.

But really, when I was a little youngin' just out of college I had a similar never-ending relationship with someone I thought I'd marry. The best thing that happened to me/us was when I cut it off. I gave it an expiration date and suddenly fell out of love. . .Maybe the energy for your relationship will live on in the flowers, and perhaps you must redirect your own energy to something/someone better. After all, it has been 6 years. You've wasted too much time here. Time to move on to greener pastures.

 

[ThePerfectScore]

I've never before seen flowers do that! Wow.
Not sure what (if anything) this symbolizes, but I don't blame you for trying to make a correlation.

But really, when I was a little youngin' just out of college I had a similar never-ending relationship with someone I thought I'd marry. The best thing that happened to me/us was when I cut it off. I gave it an expiration date and suddenly fell out of love. . .Maybe the energy for your relationship will live on in the flowers, and perhaps you must redirect your own energy to something/someone better. After all, it has been 6 years. You've wasted too much time here. Time to move on to greener pastures.

IKR?!?! Those flowers are like magical.... I mean my mama and grandmama and 'dem they taught me about rooting plant cuttings. I've done it easily with vine plants like pothos money plant, but never with roses.

Totally agree about the redirect your own energy to something else. I cut him off, and I didn't talk to him for 6 years. A year into me cutting him off, he tried to get back to me. He reached out to mutual friends to try to get in contact with me because I blocked him on everything phone, email, social media...BLOCKED FROM LIFE.

We will NEVER have a romantic relationship ever again. This year was my last attempt to see if he was the one who got away....


NOPE.


I really had to grapple with the idea of who I am and what I value in life. I did some soul search, a lot of crying, and a lot praying to come to some conclusions about my life.

I'm probably just having a quarter life crisis, but I know a lot of educated, successful, beautiful black women that have never been married or are married and divorced, where I think that it could be a very real possibility that I never get married.

I'm a part of another group on line, and this woman wrote the most poignant post,

"And its hard for me to believe loving partnership is in the cards when I think about my gorgeous auntie who died single at 68...my other amazing auntie who is 62 and has been single since I was in college and so many of my dope ass friends who are beautiful and smart and alone -- not because they are broken or they want to be. The arbitrariness of who gets a husband and who doesn't feels especially inequitable and ***'d up and when folks tell me that "God has a plan for my life" I bristle a bit at the notion that I don't get a say in huge swaths of this damn plan. I am focusing on making choices where I can and releasing anguish about what I can't control but it is very difficult. Very."


^^^^^ This resonated with my soul so hard. This sums up exactly how I feel perfectly.

But then I've finally gotten resolve with the situation after some cathartic, stream of consciousness writing.

And then that same night I wrote that I stumbled upon Tracee Ellis Ross's Glamour Woman of the Year Speech, and it changed my life. It was like a burden of societal pressure and personal oppression was lifted when I called the freak down. lol

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

 

[SweetNic_JA]

IKR?!?! Those flowers are like magical.... I mean my mama and grandmama and 'dem they taught me about rooting plant cuttings. I've done it easily with vine plants like pothos money plant, but never with roses.

Totally agree about the redirect your own energy to something else. I cut him off, and I didn't talk to him for 6 years. A year into me cutting him off, he tried to get back to me. He reached out to mutual friends to try to get in contact with me because I blocked him on everything phone, email, social media...BLOCKED FROM LIFE.

We will NEVER have a romantic relationship ever again. This year was my last attempt to see if he was the one who got away....


NOPE.


I really had to grapple with the idea of who I am and what I value in life. I did some soul search, a lot of crying, and a lot praying to come to some conclusions about my life.

I'm probably just having a quarter life crisis, but I know a lot of educated, successful, beautiful black women that have never been married or are married and divorced, where I think that it could be a very real possibility that I never get married.

I'm a part of another group on line, and this woman wrote the most poignant post,



But then I've finally gotten resolve with the situation after some cathartic, stream of consciousness writing.

And then that same night I wrote that I stumbled upon Tracee Ellis Ross's Glamour Woman of the Year Speech, and it changed my life. It was like a burden of societal pressure and personal oppression was lifted when I called the freak down. lol

A true green thumb. I admire that...cause everyone *points at self* ain't able.

Regarding the post from the other board...that is very deep, but their lot is theirs, not yours. You are still young, vibrant, with many years ahead to navigate the dating landscape and meet someone who adores you.

This is good, because it sounds like you are at a point where you are ready totally let go of him (metaphorically speaking) and any hope of a future with him.

If I were giving my 25-ish year-old self advice, I would say date-yourself, go out and be seen, mingle with people until you accidentally find your guy. The best people I've met showed up "accidentally" when I put no thought into it.

Wishing you all the best for 2018 and beyond.

 

[ThePerfectScore]

A true green thumb. I admire that...cause everyone *points at self* ain't able.

Regarding the post from the other board...that is very deep, but their lot is theirs, not yours. You are still young, vibrant, with many years ahead to navigate the dating landscape and meet someone who adores you.

This is good, because it sounds like you are at a point where you are ready totally let go of him (metaphorically speaking) and any hope of a future with him.

If I were giving my 25-ish year-old self advice, I would say date-yourself, go out and be seen, mingle with people until you accidentally find your guy. The best people I've met showed up "accidentally" when I put no thought into it.

Wishing you all the best for 2018 and beyond.

Thanks! Always looking for big sister advice.

I think like most people at this stage in life, (I turn 29 Feb 1st), the people around me are turning up the heat, so I'm getting out of the proverbial kitchen. My grandma is now starting to ask. Every time I visit one aunt she's wondering why me and my best friend are *still* single. My best friend is getting her MBA at my alma mater Emory University and is currently getting her life studying in Tel Aviv, and I randomly got contacted on LinkedIn, quit my other job at a Big 4 company that too randomly contacted me on LI, and am now celebrating moving cross country by myself, knowing no one, and completing the first year and a half of employment at my favorite tech company. No one really seems to give a whoop about that.

The conversation with the old heads in my family always goes back to why I'm single. In fact my other auntie literally ended a conversation with my by screaming into the phone, "by the blood of Jesus you will find your husband." Well more specifically she also added "a man who finds a wife finds a good thing". But I still can't help but to think that's a lot of pressure. So if I never get married Jesus failed? Or did I fail? Did the guy fail and ipso facto I'll never find a good thing?

Is there not a good thing in being single even if it's for life? I know now a days especially, they say being single, starting your career and finding yourself is great. But there seems to be an unwritten caveat that it's great up until a certain point. While it's cute in your mid 20s and 30s, it's alarming in your 40s. Tragic in your 50s. And down right horrific in your 60s and beyond.

And I want marriage and the nuclear family for myself. I've always carried around a baby doll wherever I went up until 6th grade. My favorite games were playing house...and not in the nasty way y'all be playing doctor , but I'd make my childhood male friends be the daddy, and I would be the mommy, and in school we had one of those plastic play houses, and at my house my dad literally built me a 2 story playhouse with carpet and everything. It was my favorite place in the world to be. Then in middle school, I ditched the dolls for my desktop, and created 10 separate Powerpoint presentations outlining and illustrating exactly how I want my wedding to be. At first it was one Powerpoint, but after the 100th page it kept crashing my computer, so I had to split it into 10 . And in college when Pinterest was invented my planning activities moved there. (Honestly, I wasn't a psycho, just ahead of my time.)

My parents never pushed gender stereotypes down my throat. My mom and dad got divorced when I was 6, and my mom dated, but she never felt right having men up around her children so she didn't remarry until after I graduated from college. (That's a whole 'nother thread because although I am 200% appreciative of that, I think she did a disservice to herself. Especially looking back on the men she "let go" and the man she ended up with. And I see my aunt who broke up with my uncle, and got remarried, now my cousin has the best "bonus dad" ever. My aunt refused to let my cousin call him step-dad. And looking at that man step up to the plate when my cousin was in elementary school (she's now in a sophomore in HS) and seeing other extended relatives have successful blended families, I wish my mom wasn't so paranoid. But I get it. There's so many HTGAWM type scenarios where you can't let a grown-a man up around your kids. There's so much history of sexual abuse against children, but I think on some level that's where this "faith in God" everyone talks about comes in.)

I get why I feel the way I do. My personal history and upbringing are very complex like any others, and my unique experiences that happened to me in my formative years, are shaping my dating and romantic patterns. I get it. Got 2 degrees in Psychology and Sociology. The connections aren't loss on me. But it's one thing to therapize yourself and another thing to be human.

After I got the job at the Big 4 and still wasn't happy, I sought therapy. I had done it before in the past, but I really wanted to mend the disconnect I was feeling. Cognitive Dissonance is a real beast. I told my pDoc straight up, "I really want to be a wife and a mother, but since I can't control when or if that happens I'm climbing the corporate ladder. In an ideal world, I want to be a stay at home mom, but it feel like I'm trading in interpersonal fulfillment for professional success. I'm not actively trying to climb the corporate ladder, just doors keep opening for me, except the one door I want."

They say you always meet the one when you're not looking. And I always felt disingenuous when I was "not" looking because in the back of my head I'm always making connections and tying things together. It's a gift of my genius and "biproduct" of my disorder. Pun intended. It seemed impossible to turn off that part of my brain when it's so closely tied to my heart and soul. I really had to confront some demons and get closure. Now all my triggers don't affect me. It's the reward I get for introspection and maturity. With the growth comes freedom even if I have to go about getting it in an unorthodox way.

With technology now being what it is and employers and insurance companies now offering support for fertility options, I feel like a weight has been lifted. I've always wanted biological children, and now I don't feel like I have to have it all to have it all. I don't have to settle to settle down. I'm actually content with my plan A, B, C and getting to a point where I don't even have a plan.

 

[SweetNic_JA]

@ThePerfectScore it's sounds like you are putting way too much energy into finding your partner. The more you chase something, the more it runs away. If guys sense your desperation for marriage, it deters them from establishing something serious. That's why I suggest date yourself, go out and meet people/make connections, and allow yourself to accidentally bump into someone.

It sounds like you're putting way too much thought into this. Your PowerPoint middle-school sounds like your vision board, and that should be enough.