VENT:Perfect Man.. not so perfect family

[ang3lface816]

I have been with Fiance 3 1/2 years. Really good guy. Has been here since day 1, being a father figure to MY son. (real father left me during pregnancy).. My fiance, is pretty much all that you can ask for. His family...

He is the youngest of 4, he is 23. His other siblings: a 32 year old brother, 27 year old sister, and a 25 year old sister. 27 year old sister T, is scheduled to be married to her childs father(dating for about 4-5 years) in August. But yet whenever she needs something his mother makes him give it to her. Like today, I had to take him to wrk b/c his sister needed to use HIS car. Not to go to wrk, but to go to her stepdaughters volleyball game. She is going to meet the father there, but he(my fiance)has to be inconvenieced as well as me. I wrk nights, so I sleep during the day. I had to get up from my sleep to take him to wrk b/c of something unnecessary..

Same sister T, added herself onto his AT&T phone contract, under his mother's suggestion, who is also on his contract(not as the acct holder but just using a line under his name). So everymonth his phone bill is about $250 (b/c big sister goes over minutes). Big sister also does not have a job.

What I can not understand for the life of me, is why does she not have a contract with her fiance? Who she lives with? Who she has a child with and has been with several years. Whenever they argue, she either calls me or him to come pick her up. (she lives about 40 mins away from us), just bc she doesnt want to be in the same house as fiance. He doesn't put his hands on her, but they argue a lot.

Other sister S who is 25, also takes advantage of him. He had to give her 300 once for her carpaymentt.. (she doesn't even live in the same state as we do)... But again, she is also married and has 3 children.

Maybe I'm just being mean? But my family is not like this at all. Everybody takes care of themselves and family who lives in same household as them..

I have an older brother who is married with 2 kids, and I do not ever ask him to help me. I don't ask for money or to borrow his car. Why would I?

I just dont understand this concept. If you are an adult and choose to be with someone who cannot take care of you or provide anything for you, why does it automatically become your siblings problem? He doesn't live at home, WE hve bills to pay, and i'm really fed up with what's going on.

He also has various other family members that call him up, req rides and borrowing money. Some even asking to drive his car. His mother rides his back until he gives in.

Maybe I'm just being mean.. what do you ladies think?
Also how do I address this issue delicately? I once made a mention of it not being his responsibility to help everybody, and he got so mad!!

But I'm tired of it, to the point where I am even considering not marrying him b/c I feel that OUR household should come first. Not his FAMILY. When he needs something, the only one who is around is his mom...

I was raised in a religious home, and I take the scripture about leaving your family and cleaving to your wife LITERALLY.

 

[ThickHair]

FYI, this will NOT stop once you are married. If you can live with it ok, but don't expect a change. So think long and hard on what you want and if the life you two are living now is ok.

PLEASE PLEASE do not marry him thinking, him being Captn Save a Family is going to stop.

 

[michelle81]

My DH's family is the same way. They call him for everything as if he lives in the same household as him. I keep telling him he just has to say no, but he says that he would hate for his nieces/nephews to do without somethings just because the parents don't have their stuff together.

I guess it was like this before we got married, I'm really not sure since we didn't live together and I didn't have a chance to see these little things.

DH's folks don't ask for stuff like your SO's family does. That kind of stuff would be easy for him to say no to.
DH's people want money to pay the power bill and car insurance.

My family just isn't like that, and if they were I'd easily tell them to figure it out on their own.

Anyway it won't change after marriage unless he puts a stop to it now.

 

[shenitab]

I agree with previous posters. If this bothers you, you need to talk to him about it NOW. If this does not stop before you are married, it is not going to stop after. He sounds like he is an enabler. He needs to cut them grown people off. They are taking advantage. He has to come to that decision. As long as I have a home my family members will have a place to stay (as long as they can follow the rules) and I have no problem with sending money for food or buying food. But cell phones, car notes and all that - oh, no. They or their men need to get better jobs or second jobs.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

He needs to get fed up...and until he's fed up he will be angry with you for asking him to stop. You need to stop putting yourself out when he makes a bad decision to let his family take advantage of him. Of course, you cannot be mean about it but he needs to know that you will not be a part of his enabling. These are grown, and in some cases married, people. They need to act like it.

I'm not saying that he should never loan his sister money or help out his family but putting himself and you out to loan his sister his car to go to a game or picking her up 40 minutes away because she does not want to be around her man?!?!? So not your problem.

 

[Transformer]

At 23 he's young and the backbone hasn't calcified yet? He's still marching to mother's orders and she's directing him.

 

[Jade Feria]

Oh man. Well.

He's not going to stop these behaviors once you get married, that's for sure. He obviously doesn't have a problem with being the family savior, or else he would have done something about it long ago, if not complained. He also wouldn't have gotten mad at you for speaking up. Like naturaltobe said, he needs to get upset enough about it to do something about it.

His mother is definitely overbearing, and I can so see that being an issue in your marriage if something is not done about it now. So yeah, it's not going to stop.

I've never been in this type of situation but my best advice is to express your concerns to him very calmly and logically. I know you're upset, but don't get too emotional. Bring up the fact that the two of you have enough issues and expenses of your own, and the two of you shouldn't have to bear the weight of his whole (grown) family. Give him an idea of your expectations for your relationship after marriage. Listen to what he has to say as well, and try to understand where he is coming. If he gets upset about you being genuinely concerned about the health of your relationship, then I'd start making myself scarce if I were you.

 

[msa]

His family isn't the problem, he is. None of this stuff can happen without his permission...he added them to his phone line, he allows them to drive his car, he continues to give in to them, and he continues to put them first.

Once you get married, he's still going to do the same thing. You and your household will not be his first priority. If you're ok with that, then go ahead and get married. If you're not, move on. But he's not going to change until he wants to.

 

[sharifeh]

Hmmm I would be very careful when you talk to him. It is his family. And maybe there is some backstory you don't know about? Maybe his family helped him once when he was deeply in need?
And do you think that once you all get married that you will not be his priority?
That''s the only thing I would be worried about. wife should come before siblings. And I must say, maybe I'm old fashioned, but 23 is on the young side for a man to get married. I'm all for young men getting married though. But maybe he doesn't have a backbone yet. I'm not surprised he is still a doormat for his family. 23 is still young.
It sucks that he seems to be the responsible one though...erplexed

 

[ThickHair]

I've never been in this type of situation but my best advice is to express your concerns to him very calmly and logically. I know you're upset, but don't get too emotional. Bring up the fact that the two of you have enough issues and expenses of your own, and the two of you shouldn't have to bear the weight of his whole (grown) family. Give him an idea of your expectations for your relationship after marriage. Listen to what he has to say as well, and try to understand where he is coming. If he gets upset about you being genuinely concerned about the health of your relationship, then I'd start making myself scarce if I were you.

If he really loves OP, he may say anything to keep her with him. He may say he is going to change but it is all a line. He needs to show and prove before any marriage and there is still a chance that he will return to mother's milk. Sounds like Momma runs the show with all her kids and she is Queen B.

 

[newbiemom]

My dh was jsut like this. He always was giving his parents money, rides even if their freinds needed a ride they would call him. His drunk Uncle calling at 2 am to be picked up from the bar all types of foolishness. BUt when we got married it really did stop. We did marraige counseling and he took heed to what the pastor said. He still is helpful and thatis probably a little of what attracted you to him. That he is responsible but he can change if he wants to.

 

[ang3lface816]

His family isn't the problem, he is. None of this stuff can happen without his permission...he added them to his phone line, he allows them to drive his car, he continues to give in to them, and he continues to put them first.

Once you get married, he's still going to do the same thing. You and your household will not be his first priority. If you're ok with that, then go ahead and get married. If you're not, move on. But he's not going to change until he wants to.

Actually.. for clarification, HE didnt add his sister to the acct, she called AT& T and added herself..(all you have to have are the last 4 of ssn and basic billing information) his mother told her it was ok.. (and its not even in her name) and he just accepted it.. Didnt do anything..

 

[ang3lface816]

And to all the other posters.. I totally agree with all the viewpoints expressed.. And jst like one said.. I dont know if I will be priority.. I dont think he really sees it the same way I do.. Of course he says I come first..but his actions show that he doesnt think anyone should come before his mama.. And what his mama says is the LAW... The wedding was going to be in FEB. But it has been moved, to at least MAY.. (that is when our lease runs out) and when I will ultimately decide what to do..

Lately we have been having problems.. and about nothing. I feel like he projects his frustration on me..

And there was another thread about the emotionally unavailable man.. and i think thats him...

I seriously reconsidering this marriage...
I never wanted to get married b/c of the examples of marriage/relationships around me..

But once he came into my life, I began to feel differently..
But I'm starting to lean back to my original viewpoint.. Maybe I should just be single forever..
I love the companionship of having someone.. but if this relationship ends, I'm taking a break.. and I don't intend to be with anyone else unless GOD shows me DEFINITELY, that they are the one for me.. and places that same feeling in their heart as well..

**if anyone has any further advice.. please continue to give it..
Just wanted to give u all an updt...

 

[ang3lface816]

My DH's family is the same way. They call him for everything as if he lives in the same household as him. I keep telling him he just has to say no, but he says that he would hate for his nieces/nephews to do without somethings just because the parents don't have their stuff together.

I guess it was like this before we got married, I'm really not sure since we didn't live together and I didn't have a chance to see these little things.

DH's folks don't ask for stuff like your SO's family does. That kind of stuff would be easy for him to say no to.
DH's people want money to pay the power bill and car insurance.

My family just isn't like that, and if they were I'd easily tell them to figure it out on their own.

Anyway it won't change after marriage unless he puts a stop to it now.

Not to get into your personal life, but how is it wrking out now? Is it something you guys struggle with a lot? Have they let up any?

 

[ang3lface816]

My dh was jsut like this. He always was giving his parents money, rides even if their freinds needed a ride they would call him. His drunk Uncle calling at 2 am to be picked up from the bar all types of foolishness. BUt when we got married it really did stop. We did marraige counseling and he took heed to what the pastor said. He still is helpful and thatis probably a little of what attracted you to him. That he is responsible but he can change if he wants to.

Exactly!! The same thing that brought us together is now driving us apart. And the thing with the drunk uncle.. happens all the time with us.. They will just call 3 am 4 am, asking for rides...

I guess he has to be dedicated to change.. and thats what makes the difference.. I told him yesterday we need to talk, but I didnt tell him what its about..

But basically I just intend to lay it out there, Either we wrking together or we are wrking against each other.. And if its not together, then there is no point in getting married..

He has improved on so many things.. since we've gotten together, I just kind of thought that by now this wld be something else that he wld improve on.

Today they all called.. No lie, Mother sister, brother, two friends and a cousin.. all before ten am.

No consideration for the fact that he wrks pretty late into the night, and also has to pick my son up at 4am.. so that my mom can go to wrk..

ANd he was pissed, but the thing about it is, that lately he has shown frustration with all the requests.. but he continues to oblige..
and as far as the money thing goes, instead of him realizing his finances wld be more in order if he didnt have half the family on his payroll.. he just thinks he needs more money. Needs to get a second job..

Shaking my head..
Thank u all for letting me get this out..

 

[ang3lface816]

Oh and also, forgive me if I am all over the place..
But we come from a hood area, where most ppl dont have much at all.. And around here it is very common for ppl to value family above all things..

Killing ppl, over things that there own family was in the wrong for.. just all kinds of things.. The typical idea, that I'm gonna back my family up no matter if they are right or wrong..

But like my mom says, RIGHT is right... And wrong is WRONG. It doesnt matter who is doing it, that doesnt make it anymore right or wrong..

 

[michelle81]

Not to get into your personal life, but how is it wrking out now? Is it something you guys struggle with a lot? Have they let up any?

Well, DH's mom and sister are both divorced. And the other sister is single, never married. So he kind of feels (and I think they do as well) that he is that person to handle "guy stuff" for them.

It only frustrates me when he doesn't stand up to them when I think it's just a little too much (the things they ask him to do).

EX: One sis called him and asked to "borrow" a couple hundred dollars for a power bill. He said he'd get back with her the next day and let her know. He was going to give it to her only because his nephews also live there and he felt sorry for them not having any power in the house.

Before he had a chance to let her know, she loans some guy her vehicle in return for the cash. The guy wrecks and totals her car, no insurance. She then calls DH asking him to help her get out of this even bigger mess.

My family already knows that they better be on a death bed before they call asking me for money. I know about how much each of my siblings make and they all should have more than enough to cover the bills. I will quickly tell them to get together with their spouse and figure it out. But then again all but one of my siblings is married and therefore have two income households.


Other little things like his family just coming by at anytime without any notice. I have told him that he needs to politely tell them to call and check to see first if it's okay. He just doesn't have the heart/backbone to be able to tell them this. I have and will told my family this without any hesitation.

 

[michelle81]

Oh and also, forgive me if I am all over the place..
But we come from a hood area, where most ppl dont have much at all.. And around here it is very common for ppl to value family above all things..

Killing ppl, over things that there own family was in the wrong for.. just all kinds of things.. The typical idea, that I'm gonna back my family up no matter if they are right or wrong..

But like my mom says, RIGHT is right... And wrong is WRONG. It doesnt matter who is doing it, that doesnt make it anymore right or wrong..

His people are the same way. They'll do anything for family.

I'm just not like that. I've been hurt way to many times to give too much thought to anyone not living in my household.

I strongly believe in "leave and cleave".