Trying not to drink the Haterade: When a friend falls in love

[LadyChe]

Hey ladies -

Soooo... I have a male coworker who got out of a relationship two years ago. As we were both single (not attracted to each other), we've enjoyed a good friendship commiserating over our singlehood. We'd share all the bad dates, the new prospects - everything.

That is - until July. I could tell this woman was different than the others he'd talked about. He went from occasionally moody to ... well, a man in love. The progression from dating to bf/gf was almost instantaneous. The weekends of us hanging out were replaced with their excursions - shopping for bedsheets, painting the house, meeting the parents...

And yesterday he sat me down to ask me a "very important question". He wanted my help to pick out an engagement ring and ideas for how to propose in a special way (not for a few months, for those concerned about timing).

Now, I am HAPPY for him. Honestly, I listened to him when he was so down in the dumps - if this girl makes him happy, I am her #1 FAN. She gets the thumbs up from all of our friendship circle - even though he is MIA now.

BUT. I'm sad for ME. I'm dating occasionally, but jeez, it's slim pickins out there. I found myself picking on him - but really I'm doing it out of jealousy. I'm not doing anything evil like planting seeds of doubt in his mind, but sometimes I have to leave the room or take a break when he wants to share all of his lovey dovey stories about her perfect dimples or how he loves her dad and the special meal he cooked her.

So - can you truly be happy for a friend that's getting what you wish you had?

 

[MzLady78]

I think you can.

I just found out my only real life female friend and her bf are seriously talking about getting married. I'll admit it kind of stung, especialy since she's white and he's a brotha. I'm like "damn, I can barely find a decent one to date and she found one to marry".

Not to mention, it was similar to my last relationship, only he moved to be with her. So yeah, there's part of me that's envious (not jealous, but envious) that they've been able to make it work.

But all that aside, I really am happy for her. She's a good person with a good heart and she deserves to be happy. Her last bf was straight azzhole so I'm glad she found someone treat her right.

And she has great taste in clothes so at least I know the bridesmaids dresses will be cute!

 

[Aidenberry03]

I have been there before. I want all of my friends to experience this type of love, even if its only for a season. They all deserve it very much. I think that the reason I acted that way toward them, is because....MISERY LOVES COMPANY. Even when we try to deny it.

 

[Candy_C]

At least you know there is good men out there!

 

[LadyChe]

At least you know there is good men out there!

Of course there are - and I'm glad that I know good men so I can believe. But errrrm... where's MINE?

 

[Candy_C]

Of course there are - and I'm glad that I know good men so I can believe. But errrrm... where's MINE?

Hes on his way! he may take the p*ss gettin to you but hes there!!!

 

[Everything Zen]

It just shows you that they're out there. Oh how long have I been single through high school all of college (I dated a couple of guys briefly) now finally having my first serious relationship just three months ago after being out of college for two years!!! Now all the friends that have had their relationships go south started hating on me a little... The good ones take a little while to find... It was worth everything

 

[harrison]

This makes me think about a situation I had with my girlfriends back in the day...

Of the group.. I was the only one that never really dated and didn't have the entourage of guys calling and stalking me.

Then one day one of my girls told me about a guy she thought I should meet. That "guy" and I are now married with a daughter.

But when I tell you that my girls got soooooooooooo shady!!!!!! OMG it was unreal... and

It was so painful that they couldn't be happy with and for me... I forgave them.. we still talk. But just before the wedding ... things were horrible.

I thought it was very sad. But it moved me closer to DH. They made it very easy to wean myself from the lifestyle we had prior to our marriage.

 

[Belle Du Jour]

I'm always happy for my friends when they find someone because I KNOW it's hard out there. My good friend just started dating someone she could see a future with.

It's funny how things happen to others and not to you though. This is a true story: I stated a thread on another forum about being single etc and this girl sent me a pm a couple months later thanking me for my post because she came across it when she was googling. She met a guy on that forum and things are getting serious! So I'm like, WOW! I may have helped someone find their soulmate. But. . .

why couldn't it have been me

 

[Kurlee]

At least you know there is good men out there!

 

[Much2much41]

I'm happy for my friends when they find someone. I typically have a problem being happy for women I know are stone b!tches ....But then I realize that many of them manipulated their way into relationships by being conniving, and that the poor man will find out what he has on his hands soon enough

 

[Farida]

My man and I have been together for almost 4 years now. We wanted to get married earlier but we were both uber broke students and my family would've flipped if I got married before I graduated. They were helping me pay. We both felt we needed to have financial independence from our parents before we tied the knot.

I watched other girls start dating a guy and 3 months later they had big rocks on their fingers and mommy and daddy were paying for a big wedding, honeymoon and a furnished love nest oh and brand new cars.

Some were nice girls and I was happy for them but still felt they had been dating to short a while for marriage, but others were such ******s!! that even though I'm finally getting married I am so mad that they are getting married before me.

But I console myself with the fact that I've had a longer time to get to know him and fight and learn to fight fair and really know each others' hearts, so I think they will have a harder first year of marriage and some of them won't have a successful marriage at all.

Man. I'm Evil.

The moral of the story, at every point in life, there's enough haterade to go around, after marriage it'll be, grrr they have kids or they went on vacation etc

Consolation single ladies, there is some serious fun and freedom in singledom that I still miss. The world is thy playground!

 

[Kawaii1]

Just try to stay positive ladies. I know at one point I wondered if i would ever get married but I think that maybe you have to try to be fullfilled with what you have going on in life. That is how you keep from hatin on your friends. Also try to go out and do new stuff. You'd be surprised at how many guys you can meet at home depot, sporting events, the gym, etc.

 

[MizzBrown]

People don't like to see other people happy period. That whole "crabs in a bucket" theory i guess. I try not to tell them too many good things and especially not too many bad things.

 

[LadyChe]

People don't like to see other people happy period. That whole "crabs in a bucket" theory i guess. I try not to tell them too many good things and especially not too many bad things.

I don't think this is a crabs in a bucket situation. I'm not wishing bad for him. I sincerely wish him the best. It's more about how a single situation can make you feel really happy for someone else, but sad for yourself. I just wanna be able to say "me too!" ya feel me?

 

[kittenz]

I don't think this is a crabs in a bucket situation. I'm not wishing bad for him. I sincerely wish him the best. It's more about how a single situation can make you feel really happy for someone else, but sad for yourself. I just wanna be able to say 'me too!' ya feel me?

I totally feel you. This is exactly how I feel now with my best friend. She's getting married shortly after she finishes grad school to her bf she meet freshman year. They are both really close friends of mine, we all meet freshman year, and I love them dearly and wish them the best. But I'm jealous. Not the jealous that makes me want him or the kind where I want them to even be in the same boat as me. What I really want is to be in the boat with them on the arm of my own SO. I'm happy for them, but hurting for myself.

Anywho, when I’m feeling extra sensitive about the situation I just take a step back because I would hate to make them feel uncomfortable about loving each other. I don't want to damper their thing so I just take a break. I also make sure I don't do this when they need me. Like I said we're all best friends and I can't be sitting on the sidelines feeling sorry for myself when my girl or my boy needs their friend. I don't think anything is wrong with this, we're just humans. As long as you don't want to harm or unconsciously harm their relationship or rain on their parade it's okay to want more for yourself. JMO

 

[reallynow]

At least you know there is good men out there!

Right on! I say this all the time. Anyway to the OP this thread makes me chuckle because my girls and I had a routine when one of us got engaged, married, etc. we would hold hands and chant "I am happy for my friend, I am happy for my friend" and then procede to have some drinks. Trust we were not always as happy as we appeared to be, but everything in due time. I know right now you are like wth!?! but trust it will work out for you in the end. And go on ahead and have a little haterade it's natural, just don't drink the entire pitcher!

 

[spelmanlocks]

I'm going through this with a friend now, who might turn into an ex-friend. When I told her I was engaged, she didn't have anything to say and snapped on me actually. Its very sad cause I thought of her like a sister. Please be happy for your friends ladies, because your time will come and you will want people to be happy for you.

 

[kittenz]

I'm going through this with a friend now, who might turn into an ex-friend. When I told her I was engaged, she didn't have anything to say and snapped on me actually. Its very sad cause I thought of her like a sister. Please be happy for your friends ladies, because your time will come and you will want people to be happy for you.

See, I would never want this to happen. I know some of y'all remember the episode of Girlfriends where Joan was the hater because she wanted to be in a relationship sooooo bad. She how her situations always turned out... screwed up. Nope, I'm not going to lose my friends because i get down in the dumps sometimes. If you can't truely be happy for them then you're not a true friend anyway.

Spelman I hope you don't really lose you friend. Hopefully she just spoke too soon with her intial response and was just being a little selfish with you. I hope she turns arounds and you two can be back to normal.

 

[spelmanlocks]

See, I would never want this to happen. I know some of y'all remember the episode of Girlfriends where Joan was the hater because she wanted to be in a relationship sooooo bad. She how her situations always turned out... screwed up. Nope, I'm not going to lose my friends because i get down in the dumps sometimes. If you can't truely be happy for them then you're not a true friend anyway.

Spelman I hope you don't really lose you friend. Hopefully she just spoke too soon with her intial response and was just being a little selfish with you. I hope she turns arounds and you two can be back to normal.

I hope so too cause we had so much in common. However, I'm starting to see that her attitude is part of the reason why none of her relationships work out, I was just surprised that she'd be that way towards me.

 

[Maa Maa omo mti]

I'm always happy for my friends when they find someone because I KNOW it's hard out there. My good friend just started dating someone she could see a future with.

It's funny how things happen to others and not to you though. This is a true story: I stated a thread on another forum about being single etc and this girl sent me a pm a couple months later thanking me for my post because she came across it when she was googling. She met a guy on that forum and things are getting serious! So I'm like, WOW! I may have helped someone find their soulmate. But. . .

why couldn't it have been me

you holding out on us? Could you please post your thread here?

Back to the topic at hand: we all go through it. But be strong and happy. You never know this could be what leads you to find your guy. Their wedding reception or being closer to them may bring your mate to you.

 

[Much2much41]

I hope so too cause we had so much in common. However, I'm starting to see that her attitude is part of the reason why none of her relationships work out, I was just surprised that she'd be that way towards me.

I'm sorry you're going through this with your friend. It may not be personal at all. She may truly be happy for you, but she sounds like she's frustrated that things aren't working out for her, and can't see that right now, it's NOT about her, but about you. Some people have a harder time than others being able to see beyond themselves. You might want to discuss w/her how you feel. If she's really a true friend, she'll adjust, and if not, you'll know the relationship has run it's course. Perhaps in a different time and space, you will reunite. But for now, focus on your happiness and your new life with your mate. Congrats to you!

 

[Shardonay11]

Get Busy, getting busy and focusing on yourself is the best way to ward off that evil hater complex. If you have 5 or 10 pounds to lose, lose it, if your skin is less that perfect get a series of microdermabration, get a make over, go shopping, get so wrap up into you the men will flock over you and your new found confidence.

Continue to be picky, never settle for less than you deserve, hold yourself up of high priorty men love confidence, he will come, believe me.

Last but not least. Really be happy for your friend positive energy will only return positivity back to you.

 

[LadyChe]

Get Busy, getting busy and focusing on yourself is the best way to ward off that evil hater complex. If you have 5 or 10 pounds to lose, lose it, if your skin is less that perfect get a series of microdermabration, get a make over, go shopping, get so wrap up into you the men will flock over you and your new found confidence.

Continue to be picky, never settle for less than you deserve, hold yourself up of high priorty men love confidence, he will come, believe me.

Last but not least. Really be happy for your friend positive energy will only return positivity back to you.

Dang, so I guess my current plan of sitting on my arse all day is out of the question. Humph. I like that idea though - focusing on things outside of my current solo situation..

 

[caribeandiva]

wow.. reading this thread clarifies my friends' behaviors a lot. now i know why they always make fun of me and diss the guy that i've been talking to. they always have something negative to say like: "are you still talking to him?" i thought something was wrong with me like i was too sensitive or something now i know better.

p.s. i too have been envious of friends' relationships. I've limited my interactions with them cause all they talk about is the guy. i'm always like: "Helloooo, remember me? we used to be best friends." i think that's part of the reason i'm so scared to get a serious boyfriend. i don't wanna forget i have friends and annoy my friends by talking about him nonstop.

 

[SandySea]

This makes me think about a situation I had with my girlfriends back in the day...

Of the group.. I was the only one that never really dated and didn't have the entourage of guys calling and stalking me.

Then one day one of my girls told me about a guy she thought I should meet. That "guy" and I are now married with a daughter.

But when I tell you that my girls got soooooooooooo shady!!!!!! OMG it was unreal... and

It was so painful that they couldn't be happy with and for me... I forgave them.. we still talk. But just before the wedding ... things were horrible.

I thought it was very sad. But it moved me closer to DH. They made it very easy to wean myself from the lifestyle we had prior to our marriage.

This is me, I'm always the one with no one. However, I'm always happy for my friends when they find someone. Admittedly, on my lowest days I do sometimes hate on happy young couples that I pass by--even in church. But those moments are rare.

 

[locabouthair]

Get Busy, getting busy and focusing on yourself is the best way to ward off that evil hater complex. If you have 5 or 10 pounds to lose, lose it, if your skin is less that perfect get a series of microdermabration, get a make over, go shopping, get so wrap up into you the men will flock over you and your new found confidence.

Continue to be picky, never settle for less than you deserve, hold yourself up of high priorty men love confidence, he will come, believe me.

Last but not least. Really be happy for your friend positive energy will only return positivity back to you.

I agree.....

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Ladyche:

I think it's only natural in some instances to feel kind of envious if some people have something that you really want desperately. Misery DOES love company! As long as you're not wishing them ill-will, and your jealousy/enviousness isn't due to the fact that YOU secretly like this guy "friend" of yours, then I think it's okay to feel this way for a little while.

I even felt a bit envious when my sister (who's younger than me by the way) just got married a few weeks ago. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for her and her husband, and I'm so glad that she has found her soul-mate, someone that she can spend the rest of her life with, but dang...part of me is thinking: "Why couldn't that be me?? I'm not even DATING anyone yet, and here she's already MARRIED! And she's YOUNGER than me!"

So, if I can feel this way about a sibiling, you feeling this way about a friend isn't too uncommon.

But I agree with the quote (forgot who stated it) that you have to try your hardest to be happy for your friends if they get married/engaged, or have something that you want desperately, because if you had good news, you'd want everyone to be happy for you too. I can't tell you how badly it feels when you try to tell your friend some good news, and they either act nonchalantly, or upset.

I had a friend do this to me, about a year ago when she saw that things between me and this guy (that I loved at the time) were getting kind of serious. Well..she acted sooo moody and nasty...just not even happy for me! She even wanted to change the subject. NO congratulations or anything! It just turned me off completely. To the point where we're not as close as we used to be to this day. You want your friends to lift you up and make you feel GOOD...not bad. Just remember that.

 

[LadyChe]

Ladyche:

I think it's only natural in some instances to feel kind of envious if some people have something that you really want desperately. Misery DOES love company! As long as you're not wishing them ill-will, and your jealousy/enviousness isn't due to the fact that YOU secretly like this guy "friend" of yours, then I think it's okay to feel this way for a little while.

I even felt a bit envious when my sister (who's younger than me by the way) just got married a few weeks ago. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for her and her husband, and I'm so glad that she has found her soul-mate, someone that she can spend the rest of her life with, but dang...part of me is thinking: "Why couldn't that be me?? I'm not even DATING anyone yet, and here she's already MARRIED! And she's YOUNGER than me!"

So, if I can feel this way about a sibiling, you feeling this way about a friend isn't too uncommon.

But I agree with the quote (forgot who stated it) that you have to try your hardest to be happy for your friends if they get married/engaged, or have something that you want desperately, because if you had good news, you'd want everyone to be happy for you too. I can't tell you how badly it feels when you try to tell your friend some good news, and they either act nonchalantly, or upset.

I had a friend do this to me, about a year ago when she saw that things between me and this guy (that I loved at the time) were getting kind of serious. Well..she acted sooo moody and nasty...just not even happy for me! She even wanted to change the subject. NO congratulations or anything! It just turned me off completely. To the point where we're not as close as we used to be to this day. You want your friends to lift you up and make you feel GOOD...not bad. Just remember that.

Thanks for that comment. I am working on adjusting my attitude, but it sho can be tuff!