Toxic, Selfish people in your life - who at one point you considered a "Friend"

[lilanie]

aight... 1 external response and 10 views...
post deleted

Thank you for your thoughts/input @AyannaDivine

Okay... trying again...

Here is the email I received that prompted this pondering/need for action...

"[FONT=Calibri,sans-serif]You know what lilanie you are so correct. How can I be supportive of a situation I know nothing about. You are also right, I don’t know ANY of the facts. The only thing I am presuming is you don’t want to step outside of your comfort zone which is typical of you. Whatever the case is I stand by my feelings. There was nothing inflammatory nor presumptuous about what I said because I only responded to what you said. See below. So if all I know is what you say what is my response suppose to be? You say maybe when they get older…I say why not? You keep so many secrets there is no telling what the real story is about anything in your life..Nobody is perfect and most people know that..I don’t know if you are embarrassed or afraid of being judged, I really don’t..But if you released half of the things that are going on in your life, maybe the burden would not be so heavy..As far as the outside looking in I will tell you what I see…You have your own goals and things going on and you don’t have time in your life to deal with certain things. You feel like if you don’t say it out loud then it doesn’t exist..If you pretend your world is right then that’s what people will think and you will continue to be lilanie the Great. We all fall…Then we have the faith and strength and the help of HIM to get back up..Personally I am a walking issue, but at least I am honest about it…You are not. Take that how you will, but that is the truth..I have never judge you. Never will…Most people have their own crap going on to judge you about yours."

The bolded items are the statements that make me say "hmmmmmmmm, this is not working/worth it"
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[AyannaDivine]

Cut em off girl! You will feel so relieved. I had to nix one of my closest friends earlier this year, she was an energy vampire for real.

 

[lilanie]

That's what I was thinking... The two people I have in mind, are sooooo defensive and spiteful when i bring anything to their attention.

Yeah, I'm tired and have 5 classes this semester (4 at a university - for the first time; and 1 for C.N.A.).

I'll miss the inside jokes and the memories, but not the treatment!

 

[Browniee]

Cut them like their split ends. I mean sure it might seem like you can nurture them, and fix them but in the end there just hanging you down.

Trust me, a few months ago i decided to cut a few people from my life. I felt like the energy they exuded was just toxic, and the only reason i put up with them was because we had history. But what really struck me, was the fact that when i was around them, i kind of became like them, and gave off this weird vibe, and was someone i didn't want to be. I want to be happy, and have support, and love, and with them i felt angry, and didn't have their support, and quite frankly because i know they didn't really support me, i felt like they couldnt really love me as a friend. Yes it will be hard, but in the end, it'll be worth it.

 

[hopeful]

You didn't even leave your post up for an hour. This is a very busy time of year with people going back to school, people sending their kids back to school, preparing for the labor day weekend, etc. I think you should at least give a thread 24 hours. I came in here and would likely have replied to your thread, but I've been busy all day and just had a moment to go online. Anyway I wish you good luck and hope everything works out.

 

[lynnstar]

I actually had to cut a cousin out of my life. We talked 2-3 times a day; she was like a sister to me. She drained my energy to the point that my life wasn't flourishing as I know that it should. She is also very negative, clingy, jealous, bitter, materialistic to the point of being financially destructive and (dare I say) color conscious to the point of distraction. The prime example of misery loves company. The worst part about cutting family out of your life is that you can never really get away from them and she is still a constant source of hsit starting in the family. But I am glad that I pulled away and my life is much fullier because of it.

 

[Black Ambrosia]

I wish I had seen the original post before it was deleted... Not sure what the background is but I got rid of someone like this a few months ago. We had been friends since college but there was always a spirit of competition that came from her. If I experienced something good then she had to have something even better (that kind of thing). I would dismiss it because I knew it was petty but it really got under my skin. It felt very "crab in barrel" and I would become resentful because I couldn't even enjoy my moments without it becoming about how she stacked up. To be honest with you, she only changed when her career went in the crapper. She was forced to look at the world differently because she was no longer "on top." To a degree, she valued her friends and family more and it all but eliminated the competitive streak that she had.

The thing about people like her is that the need to "one up" another person rears its head in different ways. Before it was the competitiveness. At other times, she would reveal my personal information to others that I'm not cool with. For example, we used to work together years ago and one time while at a department luncheon (my boss, my boss' boss, and numerous co-workers are at the table) someone asked about my birthday plans. She goes on to tell the table that I am "flying dick in town." I was livid and talked to her about it but she felt like it was just a joke and I needed to get over it. She eventually apologized but it wasn't sincere because she did something similar later on. That lead to me not confiding in her at all when it came to relationships. She was hurt but it proved to be effective. She couldn't tell what she didn't know.

Looking back, I'm amazed at how I compromised myself by even keeping her in my life. Because we had history and she had been there for me in the past, I kept her around but it was more and more unhealthy. The straw that broke the camel's back came a few months ago when she told me that she ran out of gas and asked me to pick her husband up from work. (Don't ask why he wasn't driving himself to work. Not enough time or interest to go into that but they definitely have 2 cars.) Anyway, my initial response was no because I had other plans. She then tells me that she'll contact AAA. My plans fall through so I tell her that I can pick her husband up. I pick him up and on the ride to the house I ask about her running out of gas. I assumed he'd want to take her some gas since AAA is never quick. He tells me that she is at home waiting for him. He said the car was "fluttering" but she wasn't stranded on the side of the road. I was beyond livid and didn't speak to her at all. As a matter of fact, I haven't spoken to her since.

The part that's crazy is that she really has no idea what she did. She tells mutual friends that she doesn't know what she did to upset me. These people see where I'm coming from but expect me to be there because she has "always been crazy." That may be true but that's not my problem. Before I made excuses for her behavior because she had it bad growing up but I'm done with all that. If I have to explain to you how you manipulated me just so you can understand what you did wrong, then you can't be helped. You'll do something else in the future and will be just as oblivious. What's crazy is that she had already told me how tight things were financially (hundreds of dollars in NSF fees, utilities cut off, etc) so she could have just said that she didn't have enough money to put gas the tank and sincerely asked for help rather than manipulating me into picking up her husband.

Sorry for the long post. I guess I needed to vent.

 

[Aberdonian]

I had a similar experience with a friend at university. She was a toxic friend, sneaky, sly, and sooo competitive. Other people would always wonder why I hung around with her but I guess because she was my friend I stuck up for her.
She woould always ask to borrow my work or ask help with things or would want to know the ins and outs of my grades. and I was always (rather stupidly) v. open with her but in hind sight it was never really reciprocated.
I remember once I was v. ill and asked to borrow some notes from her she said she didnt have any coz she had lost them, then I saw her try and hide them under a pile of other papers that she had. I guess I was really naive and sometimes you have to go through bad experiences in order to grow up.
The final straw for me after giving for so long and never receiving was when I applied for medschool, she would always ask me so many questions about the interviews I had, the tests I sat and one day she literally grilled me after one of my interviews which I found extremely strange, a week later I find out that she had applied to medschool aswell and had an interview that week. I dont understand if she had just asked me I would have told her anyway thats what friends are for..I know the process is competitive but I want for my friends what I want for myself. I dont like sneaks and liars. Shes out of my life now thank god. She put on such an innocent air for so long thats I just didnt think she was the time..now when I look back I think omg I was such a fool.

 

[mochalocks]

I actually had to cut a cousin out of my life. We talked 2-3 times a day; she was like a sister to me. She drained my energy to the point that my life wasn't flourishing as I know that it should. She is also very negative, clingy, jealous, bitter, materialistic to the point of being financially destructive and (dare I say) color conscious to the point of distraction. The prime example of misery loves company. The worst part about cutting family out of your life is that you can never really get away from them and she is still a constant source of hsit starting in the family. But I am glad that I pulled away and my life is much fullier because of it.

OMG yes, I had to cut off two cousins, 1 aunt, and 2 friends this year. All of them was selfish, mean, but one of my cousin's was just all around mean, selfish, and very negative. I couldn't take it.. I would try to reason with her, and show her a positive way of things, and how to deal with it..but nope.


glad I got all of them out of my life

 

[Lita]

I have removed people like that because I don't like drama in my personal space..

It's hard at first because you think things will get better,pops right back up..These people are draining & emotionally unstable...

 

[firecracker]

OP why you playin wit folks emotions by posting and deleting? I'm gon turn your damn thread into a random thoughts thread just for that bs. LOL J/K

 

[lilanie]

You didn't even leave your post up for an hour. This is a very busy time of year with people going back to school, people sending their kids back to school, preparing for the labor day weekend, etc. I think you should at least give a thread 24 hours. I came in here and would likely have replied to your thread, but I've been busy all day and just had a moment to go online. Anyway I wish you good luck and hope everything works out.

re-added the info...

@firecracker - dont do me like that!!!

But seriously, i know that was a hasty, punk move...

hopeful - you are correct, i just re-started school, so I shouldnt act like I don't know!

Please read and advise with your advice, y'all!