To Tell or Don't Tell -Things We Are to Keep Secret

[Shimmie]

This is a spin-off from Cocoberry's thread "Is Omission the Same as Lying?"

In this life there are some things that we simply are NOT to tell. I"d like to start a list and invite everyone to share the things that 'you' too, feel that should be kept secret or information which you believe should be withheld.

Information Withheld:

• My personal income from the public and fellow employees; even certain friends/family members. (But Not to cheat on income taxes, applications, etc.).
• My home address, phone number, credit card / bank account, etc. information from those who could be or that I feel suspect.
• My children's daily activities and location to strangers
• My marital status to strangers
• As social gatherings, I keep my personal life vague; yet pleasant.

In Marriage:

• Keeping a confidence (not sharing his business with anyone else).
• Not revealing my husband's vision
• Not revealing our financial information or financial plans
• Not giving away his cell number to those in question
• Keeping our sex/romance life private
• Not sharing his weaknesses
• Not telling him I'm planning a surprise party for his birthday or our anniversary...
• Not showing him the new gown I'm planning to surprise him with.
• Hiding his Christmas gifts...
• His Birthday presents...
• His 'just because' surprises
• Hiding the Chocolate Chip cookie dough...

The list is endless. Omission is sin when it's meant for deception to engage another sin to take place. Example: I omitted my additonal income so that I can pay less taxes.

In Sam's Club last week, a man omitted to tell the cashier about the roasted chicken in his cart. He walked out with the chicken not paid for. That omission was on purpose and a sin.

 

[gone_fishing]

Very clear, concise and understandable. Great to the point post. I wish I could get my point across in fewer words like you.

One question.

Can you explain what you mean by the withholding of marital status? Thanks.

 

[cocoberry10]

Thanks for this!

 

[PaperClip]

Posting in appreciation of this VERY WISE THREAD....

Along with the use of the word "secret", which is well applied here, I like the term "DISCRETION". I can be VERY DISCREET to the annoyance of many people. I believe the Lord has given me sensitivity about being discreet, as I have needed to be so in my personal as well as professional life (I was gonna be a journalist and keeping sources secret is a part of that life).

I may think of some things to add to the list, so for this time I humbly contribute these scriptures:


Psalm 112:5: A good man deals graciously and lends;He will guide his affairs with discretion.

Proverbs 2:11: Discretion will preserve you; Understanding will keep you,

Proverbs 5:2: That you may preserve discretion, And your lips may keep knowledge.

Proverbs 8:12:
“I, wisdom, dwell with prudence, And find out knowledge and discretion.

Proverbs 11:22: As a ring of gold in a swine’s snout, So is a lovely woman who lacks discretion.

 

[sweetcashew]

Shimmie...I totally agree with your "In marriage" list.

 

[Shimmie]

Very clear, concise and understandable. Great to the point post. I wish I could get my point across in fewer words like you.

One question.

Can you explain what you mean by the withholding of marital status? Thanks.

Definitely...I don't always publicly share that I'm single. On surveys, and even on many registration forms, I decline to note that I am single. On my home mailbox I have my family's surnames as well as my own which signals I'm not there alone.

In truth I DO receive mail there for my daughter and her husband. They're in the military and when they were in transition they needed a stable mailing address (not a PO box) to avoid losing valuable mail. I then forward their mail to them.

BTW: Adequate you word ALL of your posts most adequately. You've shared so much 'hope' and help and I receive so much love and wisdom from what you have shared with us. Keep up the excellent ministry. For it truly ministers when you share. You are open/honest/ and most of all, Real. You keep it real.

 

[mrselle]

Excellent, excellent list.

Something to ponder….people trust me. As a result, people often tell me things in confidence because they know I won’t repeat it. If someone ask me a question about the person who told me something in confidence and I know the answer, but I refuse to divulge that information is that omission or is it lying? What if I share the information with my husband and no one else? Am I betraying that person’s trust because I told my husband?

 

[Shimmie]

Posting in appreciation of this VERY WISE THREAD....

Along with the use of the word "secret", which is well applied here, I like the term "DISCRETION". I can be VERY DISCREET to the annoyance of many people. I believe the Lord has given me sensitivity about being discreet, as I have needed to be so in my personal as well as professional life (I was gonna be a journalist and keeping sources secret is a part of that life).

I may think of some things to add to the list, so for this time I humbly contribute these scriptures:


Psalm 112:5: A good man deals graciously and lends;He will guide his affairs with discretion.

Proverbs 2:11: Discretion will preserve you; Understanding will keep you,

Proverbs 5:2: That you may preserve discretion, And your lips may keep knowledge.

Proverbs 8:12:
“I, wisdom, dwell with prudence, And find out knowledge and discretion.

Proverbs 11:22: As a ring of gold in a swine’s snout, So is a lovely woman who lacks discretion.

Thank you RR. I love your word "Discretion"...

The scripture highlighted brings to mind that prudence also very much applies to your word discretion.

Food for thought: If God did not wish for us to use 'discretion', why else does He not give us the gift of discernment? We have to discern when and to whom we release and reveal matters to.

If I had a idea for a new invention. I would have to discern to whom and when to share; for my idea could be stolen if shared with the wrong source.

Thanks again..."Discretion" is surely 'wisdom'.

 

[PaperClip]

Excellent, excellent list.

Something to ponder….people trust me. As a result, people often tell me things in confidence because they know I won’t repeat it. If someone ask me a question about the person who told me something in confidence and I know the answer, but I refuse to divulge that information is that omission or is it lying? What if I share the information with my husband and no one else? Am I betraying that person’s trust because I told my husband?

Answer the question you are asked. There's a way to get around it without lying....

And you should NEVER promise anyone else to withhold anything from your husband. You may not even plan to mention it to your husband, but if anybody wants you to hold something in confidence, even from your husband, that's not ok.... It would be better for you to tell the person not to tell you at all if they want you to withhold it from your husband. Nothing and nobody should try to influence communication with your husband.

 

[Shimmie]

Excellent, excellent list.

Something to ponder….people trust me. As a result, people often tell me things in confidence because they know I won’t repeat it. If someone ask me a question about the person who told me something in confidence and I know the answer, but I refuse to divulge that information is that omission or is it lying? What if I share the information with my husband and no one else? Am I betraying that person’s trust because I told my husband?

Good question. I would be lying to the person that I promised 'confidentiality' to if I were to breach their confidential information. Example: Can I share this with you in confidence? I say yes. Then if I told someone else their business/or secret, then I lied that they could trust me.

In marriage, that's a situation by situation decision. I'd respect my husband's decision not to share his best friend's confidence with me. But, it's really a hard question for me to answer personally.

It would take serious prayer for me before acting upon this in my marriage. I don't want to keep secrets from my husband. But then, what do you do when someone needs your trust? I'd like to have enough trust in my marriage where both my husband and I trust each other enough to allow for a friend's confidence shoutd it become necessary.

Example: My best girlfriend is not going to want my husband to know she is having female problems. And I wouldn't want him to be aware of her gyn issues as well. Does that make any sense?

BTW: I agree with you RR...not keeping secrets from our husbands and them keeping secrets from us. There are just some issues that I don't think I'd want to share.

 

[Shimmie]

Shimmie...I totally agree with your "In marriage" list.

Hi Sweet Cashew....

I am an advocate for marriages and anything to keep them whole, healthy and supported. I wish you beautful blessings of marriage all the days of your life.

 

[Nice & Wavy]

Good question. I would be lying to the person that I promised 'confidentiality' to if I were to breach their confidential information. Example: Can I share this with you in confidence? I say yes. Then if I told someone else their business/or secret, then I lied that they could trust me.

In marriage, that's a situation by situation decision. I'd respect my husband's decision not to share his best friend's confidence with me. But, it's really a hard question for me to answer personally.

It would take serious prayer for me before acting upon this in my marriage. I don't want to keep secrets from my husband. But then, what do you do when someone needs your trust? I'd like to have enough trust in my marriage where both my husband and I trust each other enough to allow for a friend's confidence shoutd it become necessary.

Example: My best girlfriend is not going to want my husband to know she is having female problems. And I wouldn't want him to be aware of her gyn issues as well. Does that make any sense?

BTW: I agree with you RR...not keeping secrets from our husbands and them keeping secrets from us. There are just some issues that I don't think I'd want to share.

I always tell the person who ask me to keep something in confidence that I will be praying for them along with my husband because we pray about everything together. Of course, we have our own prayer time, but when it has anything to do with other people, then that's when we come together in agreement. The person usually don't have a problem with that at all. It has happened where once someone requested that I not say anything to my husband about it, and then I told her that I would not be the one to speak to about her situation because I do speak to my husband about everything.

 

[Shimmie]

I always tell the person who ask me to keep something in confidence that I will be praying for them along with my husband because we pray about everything together. Of course, we have our own prayer time, but when it has anything to do with other people, then that's when we come together in agreement. The person usually don't have a problem with that at all. It has happened where once someone requested that I not say anything to my husband about it, and then I told her that I would not be the one to speak to about her situation because I do speak to my husband about everything.

Precious Wavy, I'm so glad you came in to answer this. I've been a 'confident' for so long as I have been 'single' for the entire time of my salvation. God has used me for so long to be an 'ear' to many. And a word to share with them regarding their situation. Many, people come to me with personal things to share and they will never hear it from anyone else; I do not breach their confidence.

Yet I know for sure that I do not want to keep secrets from my husband when I am married. I do not want to withhold anything from him.

Wavy, you and your husband are pure ministers of marriage, therefore I look up to what you have to share regarding my situation. I don't want this in a PM as I feel that many others will be blessed to ministered to in this area as well.

I love what Relaxer Rehab shared in how to get around this. However, in my situation, it's goes a little deeper. Keeping one's confidence has been my 'ministry' so to speak. This is why I couldn't answer this particular question fully in my first reply about this.

Wavy, what more can you share for those in my position? Relaxer Rehab, I welcome your further comments as well and everyone else.

I think my real problem may be that I've been 'single-minded' too long.

 

[melodee]

Good post Shim. And to add another layer to the discussion...

Concerning the online community--sometimes I think we ( as a community in general) start feeling a little free, but proceed with caution, my ladies.

When I first joined the boards many years ago, I was a "baby" to the forum life. I found that I revealed way too much information innocently.

IT has taken me a while to figure out that even though we are a community of sisters, it's not okay to share online what I would not share on the street--especially personal details about my marriage and family. This is recorded for anyone to see. And folks remember, too. One slip and your person witness can be destroyed.

There are other things that I do not discuss online, depending on how well I know my audience. I wish I could meet many of you in person, so I could really open up. But for now, I will committ to keeping it as real as possible!

 

[Nice & Wavy]

Precious Wavy, I'm so glad you came in to answer this. I've been a 'confident' for so long as I have been 'single' for the entire time of my salvation. God has used me for so long to be an 'ear' to many. And a word to share with them regarding their situation. Many, people come to me with personal things to share and they will never hear it from anyone else; I do not breach their confidence.

Yet I know for sure that I do not want to keep secrets from my husband when I am married. I do not want to withhold anything from him.

Wavy, you and your husband are pure ministers of marriage, therefore I look up to what you have to share regarding my situation. I don't want this in a PM as I feel that many others will be blessed to ministered to in this area as well.

I love what Relaxer Rehab shared in how to get around this. However, in my situation, it's goes a little deeper. Keeping one's confidence has been my 'ministry' so to speak. This is why I couldn't answer this particular question fully in my first reply about this.

Wavy, what more can you share for those in my position? Relaxer Rehab, I welcome your further comments as well and everyone else.

I think my real problem may be that I've been 'single-minded' too long.

Good Morning Shimmie,

Sorry, I didn't see this sooner. After teaching a class last night, I was exhausted and went straight to bed

I'm so glad that you decided to share this on the forum as opposed to a PM...this thread will help many, I'm sure.

I thank our Father God for people like you, who can keep things in confidence...there aren't many who can. And understanding that this is a ministry for you, is especially important because God has given you this gift for His purpose. What an awesome gift to have. Trust is the key and that you have my sweet sister.

Now, when you are married your first ministry is to your husband. You both are no longer seperate but "one". Two walking together are in agreement...and when there are problems, you both are to come together to agree, whether its your own problems or problems of others. There is no skirting around this. However, it must be that the two of you are in the Lord and are of the same mind. There are many who are married but their mates may not be saved, or may not be connected, so to speak to the things of God. You must then make a decision if you would share something in confidence with your mate or not. You both must be in "spiritual" agreement for God's hand to move in a situation. If not, satan will make sure that what you shared in confidence will be broken...he is slimey like that. He will try to make your good, evil spoken of for sure.

My dh and I come together continually to pray for people who haven't yet come to us. We understand the importance of agreement and the reward of seeing our prayers come to pass.

I believe that you will have the same Shimmie, with the mate God has chosen for you. God has His hand upon you and will make sure that whatsoever you desire will come to pass. You are precious in His sight and He loves you sooooooooooooooo much.

Blessings to you, always.

 

[Shimmie]

Good Morning Shimmie,

Sorry, I didn't see this sooner. After teaching a class last night, I was exhausted and went straight to bed

I'm so glad that you decided to share this on the forum as opposed to a PM...this thread will help many, I'm sure.

I thank our Father God for people like you, who can keep things in confidence...there aren't many who can. And understanding that this is a ministry for you, is especially important because God has given you this gift for His purpose. What an awesome gift to have. Trust is the key and that you have my sweet sister.

Now, when you are married your first ministry is to your husband. You both are no longer seperate but "one". Two walking together are in agreement...and when there are problems, you both are to come together to agree, whether its your own problems or problems of others. There is no skirting around this. However, it must be that the two of you are in the Lord and are of the same mind. There are many who are married but their mates may not be saved, or may not be connected, so to speak to the things of God. You must then make a decision if you would share something in confidence with your mate or not. You both must be in "spiritual" agreement for God's hand to move in a situation. If not, satan will make sure that what you shared in confidence will be broken...he is slimey like that. He will try to make your good, evil spoken of for sure.

My dh and I come together continually to pray for people who haven't yet come to us. We understand the importance of agreement and the reward of seeing our prayers come to pass.

I believe that you will have the same Shimmie, with the mate God has chosen for you. God has His hand upon you and will make sure that whatsoever you desire will come to pass. You are precious in His sight and He loves you sooooooooooooooo much.

Blessings to you, always.

Precious Wavey, thank you so much. I truly needed to 'hear' this from one who ministers in this area. And I thank God that You are the Minister of Marriage...whom I needed to hear from.

In Marriage, ALL there is about us (husband and wife) becomes ONE. I have peace with this and it brings joy to my heart.

Bottomline: EVERY thing changes when you get married. Errrr thing. I can no longer hide my stretch marks or my hair care regime. Or my stash of chocolate.

I wish you and your husband and your ministry showers of blessings...always. :heart2:

 

[PaperClip]

Precious Wavy, I'm so glad you came in to answer this. I've been a 'confident' for so long as I have been 'single' for the entire time of my salvation. God has used me for so long to be an 'ear' to many. And a word to share with them regarding their situation. Many, people come to me with personal things to share and they will never hear it from anyone else; I do not breach their confidence.

Yet I know for sure that I do not want to keep secrets from my husband when I am married. I do not want to withhold anything from him.

Wavy, you and your husband are pure ministers of marriage, therefore I look up to what you have to share regarding my situation. I don't want this in a PM as I feel that many others will be blessed to ministered to in this area as well.

I love what Relaxer Rehab shared in how to get around this. However, in my situation, it's goes a little deeper. Keeping one's confidence has been my 'ministry' so to speak. This is why I couldn't answer this particular question fully in my first reply about this.

Wavy, what more can you share for those in my position? Relaxer Rehab, I welcome your further comments as well and everyone else.

I think my real problem may be that I've been 'single-minded' too long.

Amen... while I await marriage, I have been privileged to be around women in good marriages, including my mother and my pastor's wife. One common theme I see is that they keep marriage business to themselves, in that they don't tell other folk about what's going on in their marriage and they don't allow others to dictate or influence communication with their husband. I have heard my pastor's wife say point blank: IF YOU DON'T WANT ME TO TELL MY HUSBAND, DON'T TELL ME AT ALL.

Again, it's not a question of her going to tell her husband everything 'cause like you said, some stuff is not expedient for the husband to know about. Women are supposed to help women deal with women's issues, ideally. And I know that my pastors come together to touch and agree and pray for a situation. Amen. Praise God.... But if it's a delicate women's issue, the man doesn't need to know every single detail....

I'm known for keeping confidences as well.... And at the same time, we have to use wisdom because if there's a situation in which a person may be in danger or on the brink of spiritual/natural harm, then one has to speak up...but again, there's a delicate/wise way to say something without saying it/betraying a trust.... and then you have to be mindful of who you're saying it to.... I also kind of get around this by NOT PROMISING to NOT TELL IT.... I'll ask to hear it first before I promise so that I don't lock myself down....

If somebody has an example about how to "get around" responding to an inquiry, then I can use that to respond to Shimmie's request....

 

[Shimmie]

Amen... while I await marriage, I have been privileged to be around women in good marriages, including my mother and my pastor's wife. One common theme I see is that they keep marriage business to themselves, in that they don't tell other folk about what's going on in their marriage and they don't allow others to dictate or influence communication with their husband. I have heard my pastor's wife say point blank: IF YOU DON'T WANT ME TO TELL MY HUSBAND, DON'T TELL ME AT ALL.

Again, it's not a question of her going to tell her husband everything 'cause like you said, some stuff is not expedient for the husband to know about. Women are supposed to help women deal with women's issues, ideally. And I know that my pastors come together to touch and agree and pray for a situation. Amen. Praise God.... But if it's a delicate women's issue, the man doesn't need to know every single detail....

I'm known for keeping confidences as well.... And at the same time, we have to use wisdom because if there's a situation in which a person may be in danger or on the brink of spiritual/natural harm, then one has to speak up...but again, there's a delicate/wise way to say something without saying it/betraying a trust.... and then you have to be mindful of who you're saying it to.... I also kind of get around this by NOT PROMISING to NOT TELL IT.... I'll ask to hear it first before I promise so that I don't lock myself down....

If somebody has an example about how to "get around" responding to an inquiry, then I can use that to respond to Shimmie's request....

Relaxer thank you so much. I also cherish your wisdom. You and Wavy opened my heart in this thread in all of ways that I needed to 'hear' and receive it.

I know that I do not want to keep secrets from my husband. BUT here is where your word 'Discretion' comes into full revelation. And RR, I love it. There will be some 'matters' in which I will be 'Discreet'....'woman's issues. For I surely wouldn't want to really know that my husband's best friend was experiencing 'Erectile - Disfunctions , or something else of that nature.

You and Wavey are a perfect blend with your answers. I know I've heard from the Lord and my heart is now at peace about this.

With all of my heart...Thank you...

 

[shalom]

Things I keep confidential:

Finances/job, children's information, home address and phone number, anything about me that I feel will provoke jealousy or envy from others, anything that will cause my brothers and sisters in christ to fall, other peoples confidence I have secrets that I will take to the grave. I won't mention anything that I think will shame another person....

 

[Nice & Wavy]

Precious Wavey, thank you so much. I truly needed to 'hear' this from one who ministers in this area. And I thank God that You are the Minister of Marriage...whom I needed to hear from.

In Marriage, ALL there is about us (husband and wife) becomes ONE. I have peace with this and it brings joy to my heart.

Bottomline: EVERY thing changes when you get married. Errrr thing. I can no longer hide my stretch marks or my hair care regime. Or my stash of chocolate.

I wish you and your husband and your ministry showers of blessings...always. :heart2:

Thank you, with all my heart....

 

[dlewis]

I like that list. WE LOVE YOU SHIMMIE!!

 

[Shimmie]

I like that list. WE LOVE YOU SHIMMIE!!

We love you toooooooooooo :heart2:

 

[dreamer26]

Nice and Wavy spoke well for us married folks. My husband and I have a great marriage and we come together and lift up people and issues all the time.

Now, I will say we have to be woman of integrity and character for our mates to come to us with stuff. If your husband know you can't hold water it's best he keep some stuff from you so you won't embarasse (sp) him, yourself, the church, the family name etc. (I'm talking about saved women)


But if you can be trusted and use Godly wisdom then by all means husbands and wives make a great 1 to 2 punch praying team.

Where there are 2 or 3 gather together in my name I'm there in the midst saith the Lord.

 

[cocoberry10]

Good post Shim. And to add another layer to the discussion...

Concerning the online community--sometimes I think we ( as a community in general) start feeling a little free, but proceed with caution, my ladies.

When I first joined the boards many years ago, I was a "baby" to the forum life. I found that I revealed way too much information innocently.

IT has taken me a while to figure out that even though we are a community of sisters, it's not okay to share online what I would not share on the street--especially personal details about my marriage and family. This is recorded for anyone to see. And folks remember, too. One slip and your person witness can be destroyed.

There are other things that I do not discuss online, depending on how well I know my audience. I wish I could meet many of you in person, so I could really open up. But for now, I will committ to keeping it as real as possible!

I agree with this!

 

[Nice & Wavy]

Nice and Wavy spoke well for us married folks. My husband and I have a great marriage and we come together and lift up people and issues all the time.

Now, I will say we have to be woman of integrity and character for our mates to come to us with stuff.

If your husband know you can't hold water it's best he keep some stuff from you so you won't embarasse (sp) him, yourself, the church, the family name etc. (I'm talking about saved women)

But if you can be trusted and use Godly wisdom then by all means husbands and wives make a great 1 to 2 punch praying team.

Where there are 2 or 3 gather together in my name I'm there in the midst saith the Lord.

You hit the nail on the head with that. Thank you.