To Honor Thy "Step-parent?"

[Cloud06]

I got a problem with my dad's wife! I've lived with them since I was ten years old when they married. My mom passed one year prior to meeting her and I never got that "motherly" vibe form her, plus she smoked and drank beer all day. Anyway another year later my dad calls me from Toledo and tells me he's married to her. A month later we all moved in together. Since, everything went so fast and I was a hurting pre-teen(11). She never tried to bond with me or get involved with my life or support me. She would call me names and constantly verbally abuse me. Never took me anywhere, bought me anything, told much about herself. Her and my dad would go out of town or out to eat and never invite me and at first it hurt me but I got used to it. I stayed to myself and my outgoing nature soon became introverted. I prayed for God to take me away and I prayed for that lady everyday that she would get better and make nice. My self-esteem grew lower and lower I started to hate more and more. I even contemplated suicide, but I knew that would be the easy way out and that's not in God's plan for me. I would talk to ppl and had a good support system only positive ppl around. School became my outlet and a place where I got the attention I craved from academic achievement. It was a horrible environment; psychologically and emotionally.

Fast forward to now, on my 20th birthday she picks a fight with me, we brawl and I got to get out the house! I'm currently living with my sister and am in between jobs. I was in college and want to go back.

I pray about becoming closer to my father again and have forgiven him for allowing that "mess" but I still have really crazy dreams about her and I either getting along or fighting again.

What is a young woman to do? Are they any ladies here that have a combined family or is a mother to another mans child? (forgive me for such a long post!)

 

[MizzBrown]

You don't have to Honor thy step-parent. Step aint in the bible. And furthermore you are grown anyway. She needs to respect you as an adult, not a child.


I'm christian and all but i would've brawled with her too..sorry, i'm blunt like that.

 

[OhmyKimB]

In this case...leave that lady alone. If you dad doesn't see it...I'm sorry that's on him! But just stay respectful of him.


But to Miss Brown and anyone else that says bump the step parent. Should you respect them since they are a parent? At least the good ones?
Why are step parents left out? And isn't considered anyone over you to respect them?

 

[mrselle]

Cloud06, I'm so sorry for what you are going through. It sounds like you have had a lot to deal with from such a young age. I think it's hard to come to grips with losing a parent and it sounds like your dad kind of sprung the new woman on you without really giving the two of you a chance to get to know each other and become friends.

I am a step-parent. I have a 16 year old stepdaughter and she has lived with us full-time for almost three years. She also has a rough past. Her biological mother has never been in the picture and the woman she does call mom hasn't really been as active as she should be. My relationship with my stepdaughter could be better, but a few things I can say about our relationship is this: I love her dearly. She isn't my biological child, but she's a part of me because she is my husband's flesh and blood and my husband and I are one. I can't say that I treat her the same way I treat my biological daughter when it comes to disciplining her (I'm a bit uncomfortable with that), but I do for her as if she were my very own. I take her shopping, we talk about school, boys and anything else that is on her mind. When she needs a hug she comes to me. When she has thoughts about hurting herself she comes to me. When she started seeing a therapist it was me who took her to her consultation appointment. Just last month we went shopping for her prom dress and when she talks about her future she says she can't wait for "us" to plan her wedding. We have our moments. Sometimes she gets frustrated with me. Sometimes I get frustrated with her. And while sometimes I do think she could respect me more I try not to let it get to me because I know that she has been through a lot and everything I do for her I do it in faith. Faith that everything I have done and will continue to do and everything I've said and will continue to say is not in vain.

To address your concern specifically, from everything you've said it doesn't sound like your stepmother did anything to take on a parenting role in your life. Despite this...and I know it will be hard...you should respect her. You should respect her because she is a part of your life and you should respect her because she is a human being. From everything you've said it sounds like she has a few unresolved issues of her own. Pray for her. The more you pray for her the more your heart will soften towards her and eventually what you will feel for her is sympathy instead of anger and resentment. Pray that your relationship with your dad gets better and do what you can to show your dad that you want to repair the relationship. And for yourself...pray and ask God what He would have you to do with your life and follow His lead. You are an adult now and you have to take responsibility for your own actions. And if you think it would help, talk to someone. You have been through so much in your life that it might help to sit down with someone and talk about your past. I pray this helps you and many, many ((((((hugs)))))) to you.

 

[Cloud06]

mrselle- Thank you for your insight! It seems you have the right idea about how hurt people may react to a new situation, and I admire the fact that you take the time to love your step-daughter as you do her father, as in you play disciplinarian. I am grown now and I do have love for my father and if that woman is part of his life then I have to respect that, which I do. But all of me has never wanted conflict with her but instead I always craved a mother figure and a bond with her like that of my father. I've tried to make efforts in the past but she would disown them and look the other way. I hate that we had to throw down and now I know that we will never get along. It sucks cause I cant even go over their house cause she may wanna confront me again, plus I'm banned. I have to respect my biological dad and I will be cordial to his wife but will never have to "deal" with her.

Thank you again, I needed to hear that. Prayer has gotten me through a lot this lifetime. I feel like everything happens for a reason and this was just one of those obstalces God had to prepare me for the next rough phase. I went through this for years and prayed for years and waited and waited and waited until I was finally free. You are right about how prayer helps you feel less anger and more sadness for a person. I feel bad for her; even then I did.

Mizzbrown- I was grown when I got kicked out and she put her hands on me so I had no choice but to lay hands on her! Her fault!

beyondblessed- Thank you for the input. I feel if the "bad" step parent is someone there for the wrong reasons, such as, a person who doesnt want kids marrying someone with kids. Step parents are left out cuz they come in and overstep boundaries. The good ones know they are to marry someone with kids and that those kids dont know them and dont try to impose as a replacement parent. THey also play the "friend role" first and wait for the child to come to them.