To be insecure or to not be insecure...

By the time I met DH I had decided that I was going to simply be me....meaning that I was strong and maybe emasculating but I was also vulnerable and sometimes insecure. If the relationship wasgoing to be long term I couldn't choose who I wanted to be I had to just be and realize that people change/grow over time. I presented the true and most vulnerable me.

ETA: I've been out of the 'game' for a while though....
 
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I find honesty very attractive, and I personally think that honesty about fears and doubts does not come across as insecurity, especially if the person shows that she wants to overcome those fears and doubts in an intelligent and systematic way, being open to criticism and showing room for self improvement.
It's more like looking at limits and expanding them, improving trust, getting to know what's in the other person's mind and getting closer and closer. Every person has her own way to turn things she doesn't like into something useful. That sounds very attractive to me.
 
In some way, I also think that if a person is interested in you, that person wants to know your limits and wants to see what you do to overcome them. What is not attractive to me is usually a person who pretends she has no limits and the ironic thing is that it does come across as insecurity, usually in the wrong moments and in ugly ways. Seeing a person push her limits, even her fears, without fear, is sexy and fascinating. This is my experience, at least.
 
I think it is best to voice concerns. Saying you don't feel comfortable with certain activities, situations, etc., is fine. Then it's up to that person to make adjustments or not. It's okay for a guy to disagree or to make no changes, he just may not be the one for me. No need to make demands. I tend to say you have to do what's important to you, it's your life and your choice, and I have the right to respond accordingly, up to and including leaving. Once you are clear about whether it's you or not everything will be easier. As long as you are confused guys will always play on that, oh you are being insecure. But once that is cleared up you will find it easier to be clear about your feelings. And it's not about what's or who's right or wrong. It's about this is what I want and expect and you may or may not be the man to match up with that. No judgement.
 
hopeful said:
I think it is best to voice concerns. Saying you don't feel comfortable with certain activities, situations, etc., is fine. Then it's up to that person to make adjustments or not. It's okay for a guy to disagree or to make no changes, he just may not be the one for me. No need to make demands. I tend to say you have to do what's important to you, it's your life and your choice, and I have the right to respond accordingly, up to and including leaving. Once you are clear about whether it's you or not everything will be easier. As long as you are confused guys will always play on that, oh you are being insecure. But once that is cleared up you will find it easier to be clear about your feelings. And it's not about what's or who's right or wrong. It's about this is what I want and expect and you may or may not be the man to match up with that. No judgement.
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YES, WORD!
 
Telling your mate how you feel, what makes you feel a certain way and your expectations is not a sign of insecurity. Communication is important in a relationship. We each have different ways of communicating our fears. Just make sure when you are communicating its well thought out and not erratic. No need to send a representative if you want a long term relationship. Just be your own tamed authentic self.
 
Fine 4s said:
^ What you said here resonates with me because at the begining of our relationship I pretended to be that cool gf who was so open minded and now...not so much and I'm paying the price for that.
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Sounds like its something you're really uncomfortable with. Think of it this way, the longer you leave it, the more you'll have to deal with it. You may as well deal with it so you don't have to keep pretending, because you'll soon tire of that.
 
My husband has never called me insecure. Never. The only men that ever said that to me said it as a way to control me and stop me from asking questions about some dirt they were trying to hide.

Your intuition is important and so is your comfort. I've seen very few women who are truly insecure and just bugging their SO about stupid stuff. Most of the time she has an honest feeling.

If the dude is manipulative he will say confidence is attractive or insecurity is such a turn off.

I snapped on a man who said that to me once and he backed down real quick. Cause he knew it was bs.
 
I think women who are confident respect themselves, their feelings and they set personal boundaries. If a man crosses these boundaries and a woman speaks up, she isn't insecure. Even if she is insecure and the issue is being brought up to the man, a truly caring partner would consider her feelings and not brush her off as insecure. As someone mentioned before, be clear with what it is you want or don't want and what boundaries you set for yourself, therefore there is no confusion for you or him.
 
Thanks ladies.

Regardless if the issue is in my head or not, I feel the way I feel and IF he wants ME then he should be considerate of my feelings. I rationalized my feelings way too much in my past relationship and stayed miserable!

In any case I brought it up and it went fine. The ball is in his court now that he's aware of my discontent. In fact he said he likes when I'm direct!
 
Expressing how you feel doesn't take you out of "Cool Chick" status. In fact, THAT is a measure of security in and of itself.

You remind me of myself when I was younger. I always wanted to be the "laid back" GF (especially since black women are so often accused of being drama queens), but in an effort to appear cool, calm, and collected, I found that I was compromising who I was or how I felt in many instances.

The key is to express how you feel CONSTRUCTIVELY. If your SO is doing something that makes you uneasy or uncomfortable, you should be able to say that without over-reacting emotionally. Sometimes it helps to simply step out of a situation, get your mind together, then address whatever is making you uneasy.

This may sound silly, but PRACTICING what you are going to say works wonders. If when you express yourself the situation becomes confrontational, you have to be able to say "Let's step back a minute... things are getting out of hand... let's revisit this later when we have calmed down...

My late pastor used to say this all the time "Disagree without being disagreeable..."

Having a difference of opinion or feeling uneasy is a normal part of the relationship process, but never sacrafice yourself just for the sake of being the "cool chick"

COOL CHICK does not equal DOORMAT.

Chin up!!!
 
Fine 4s said:
However are you perceived as insecure because this bothered you? Or should you not voice this because well, is it THAT bad? I mean a real secure women wouldn't care...right? How much room do you allow him to be a MAN *said with gravitas* lol
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I allow him to be a man who is now in a relationship. Things swing both ways too. I find men are pretty insecure sometimes when women express their desires and fancies.


For example: SO doesn't look or stare at women when he's with me, but I'm sure after we grow out the honeymoon phase he'll see some women that he looks more at. However, that needs to be done on his time when I'm not around. I look at men sometimes, but not when he's around.

Also I ban all SO's from talking about women or celebs in any kind of sexual tone. If any sexual comments are to be made, or conversations to be had, they need to be with male friends. Same with me, I'll say stuff if I feel the urge around my female friends.

Obviously not all people care about things like that, but I do so I just get it out the way. That's something I personally find disrespectful because of my visions of my desired type of relationship, so if they didn't meet that early on, or protested I wouldn't bother with them.
 
Fine 4s said:
However are you perceived as insecure because this bothered you? Or should you not voice this because well, is it THAT bad? I mean a real secure women wouldn't care...right? How much room do you allow him to be a MAN *said with gravitas* lol
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I allow him to be a man who is now in a relationship lol. Things swing both ways too. I find men are pretty insecure sometimes when women express their desires and fancies.

For example: SO doesn't look or stare at women when he's with me, but I'm sure after we grow out the honeymoon phase he'll see some women that he looks more at. However, that needs to be done on his time when I'm not around. I look at men sometimes, but not when he's around.

Also I ban all SO's from talking about women or celebs in any kind of sexual tone. If any sexual comments are to be made, or conversations to be had, they need to be with male friends. Same with me, I'll say stuff if I feel the urge around my female friends.

Obviously not all people care about things like that, but I do so I just get it out the way. That's something I personally find disrespectful because of my visions of my desired type of relationship, so if they didn't meet that early on, or protested I wouldn't bother with them.
 
I tell people in general what bothers or upsets me if we are close.

Telling your man you don't like boy magazines or comments about other women isn't insecure. It is your preference to not speak about the other sex in that manner. If he loves you he will respect that even if he doesn't totally understand your reasoning.

You are not insecure. You are uncomfortable period point blank. I may not be bothered by that type of behavior but that doesn't make it right or ok.

Some men can do things to makes a woman act on certain insecurities. If your man is always flirting you probably would be some type of insecure and lack trust in him.

We all should pick and choose our battles. If something bothers you, you shouldn't be afraid to speak up with your mate nor should he label you because of it. If he does he probably isn't the right person for you imo. He should be reassuring and uplifting you.
 
Fine 4s said:
So for you it's not insecurity but disrespectful. OK
I wonder how many people mistaken that for insecurity. It sounds like if the receiver doesn't understand the request, it's insecurity?
IDK, I just find it hard to determine one def. for what insecurity actually is.
*kanye shrug*
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It's a mixture of the two for me Fine 4s.

I believe there's certain things that partners do that can encourage insecurity in a relationship where there was none before. Unnecessary things that don't really need to be done, or said. Especially on a repetitive basis. I think theres a difference between this and a man, or woman that comes into a relationship chronically insecure and gets upset about everything.

I think when situations are understandable and reasonable, the fact that it comes from insecurity, or trying to promote security doesn't matter.

Its like SO doesn't ban me from having male friends, but he does have some reasonable requests in regards to where we chill (not in a bedroom for example), what time, staying over, meeting them so he can check them out lol etc... At the end of the day, what lies beneath those compromises is that my partner would feel insecure, worried and disrespected if I didn't allow for that. I miss being able to meet male friends anytime, anywhere and that closeness, but I'm in a relationship and find it understandable.

Basically I think reasonable adjustments should be made to promote security. Adjustments that don't take much effort. Like the Maxim magazine example. OK if the dude likes that, but it takes small effort to make sure they are not in sight when the partner comes round.

In terms of letting a man be a man, I don't ask anyone to give things up. Like if I met a man who likes a bit of porn now and then, I wouldnt ask him to give it up. I would think it disrespecful if I came round and it was on full blast complete with a box of tissues lol:lol: Or if he wanted to talk to me about it in detail 24/7:nono: While there are people who have long standing insecurity and jealousy issues, there are many cases of insecurity where its understandable because of inconsiderate behaviour.:yep:
 
Yes! Great post Vanthie.
You had me cracking up at work with the porn and tissue comment. Lol!
 
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