The Right Way to Resolve Conflict

[mrselle]

I have been married for eight years and for eight years there has been tension between my mother-in-law and I. It actually started a few months before he and I got engaged. Over the years I have tried to take the high road and not retaliate. That means there have been times where she has blatantly disrespected me and/or my family in my home and I let it roll of my back. My husband has talked to her in the past about her behavior, but for the most part he has either pretended not to notice her actions or he really has not seen the things that she has done. On two occasions, the most recent one being about two months ago, I tried talking to her about her attitude towards me. Each time I spoke with her she said she wasn’t aware of any wrong doings. The other day a minor incident occurred…well it was minor to us (me, my husband and the rest of our family), but she blew it out of proportion. My husband noticed her actions and talked to her about it and told her she was wrong. My mother-in-law didn’t like that. The following day she called my husband back to talk about the incident again, but this time she added more to the story and the part she added was a lie. I called her out on her lie and unfortunately, the discussion turned into a screaming match. I yelled, she yelled and we were able to get some things off our chest, but the way we did it wasn’t right. In the end I told her that I think she is mean and hateful and she told me that she thinks I am mean and hateful too. The conversation ended with her telling me and my husband to have a nice life and she hung up. I feel really bad about the way the conversation ended. I do not feel bad for what I said because I was being honest with my feelings, but I do wish that I had been a little calmer when I talked to her. I believe that no matter how I approached the situation she still would have blown up at me, but I should not have yelled too. I do plan to apologize to her….I’m going to give her some space, though before I say anything to her. Besides, I don’t think she would take my phone calls. My question is, what is the best way for me to resolve this conflict for myself? I want and need to have total peace where this situation is concerned. It is something that has bothered me for more than eight years. The spirit behind a lot of her actions is a strong one. It is a spirit that causes me to shutdown and be much more reserved than normal. It is a spirit that makes me watch my back and not rust anything that comes out of her mouth. Despite all this, and despite the fact that I am very weary in all of this, I still feel the need to take the high road and do what is right. Aside from apologizing, what else can I do to create peace between us, but not be a doormat?

 

[BeautifulFlower]

I am sorry you are having problems with your mother-in-law. My sister has issues with her mother-in-law and I see how stressful it can be.

I suggest learning the art of being humble (you may call it doormat). When you do apologize, ask her why she doesnt like you out right. Be prepared to listen to things you wont want to hear. Do question it, dont justify it, dont respond with a defense of why. With whatever she says, apologize for everything you have done that she doesnt like whether you were wrong or not. Make a promise to be more careful of her feelings.

If she gets out of hand, you may have to just leave it alone. Pray for her to come around but avoid her as much as possible. You dont want to aggravate that spirit more than necessary. I am confident that prayer changes things.

 

[mrselle]

Thank you for your feedback. In the past I have asked her why she doesn’t like me or my family and her response has always been in the neighborhood of that she likes me and thinks I’m good wife, etc… I will ask her again because I think our argument opened the door for us to have a conversation that is a little more honest. I see now that whether or not I am justified in my actions I should be more willing to let stuff go and accept the fact that while I cannot control her actions I can control the way I respond to her. Thank you again.

 

[Inches411]

I dunno what to say.. but i Ill pray for you and keep praying about the issue. I remember you responding to me in one of my post.. I dont know how to help you in this situation but I know who does.. take care..

 

[music-bnatural-smile]

This is TOUGH!!!! That must really feel sucky... Like I could understand if you guys were still dating, but you're permanent at this point! She has to get over it now if she has an issue... I hope this doesn't affect your marriage, and if it has, don't let it cuz that is her goal! I'm sorry lady I hope you feel some comfort from ppl's responses... and let this be a way to get closer to your husband. And make sure you show him that you want to be the peacemaker, cuz I know this has to be tough and maybe even really embarrassing for him... I can't imagine how he must feel having to tell his Mommy to back down... That sucks.

 

[Shimmie]

I have been married for eight years and for eight years there has been tension between my mother-in-law and I. It actually started a few months before he and I got engaged.

Over the years I have tried to take the high road and not retaliate. That means there have been times where she has blatantly disrespected me and/or my family in my home and I let it roll of my back. My husband has talked to her in the past about her behavior, but for the most part he has either pretended not to notice her actions or he really has not seen the things that she has done.

On two occasions, the most recent one being about two months ago, I tried talking to her about her attitude towards me. Each time I spoke with her she said she wasn’t aware of any wrong doings. The other day a minor incident occurred…well it was minor to us (me, my husband and the rest of our family), but she blew it out of proportion.

My husband noticed her actions and talked to her about it and told her she was wrong. My mother-in-law didn’t like that. The following day she called my husband back to talk about the incident again, but this time she added more to the story and the part she added was a lie. I called her out on her lie and unfortunately, the discussion turned into a screaming match. I yelled, she yelled and we were able to get some things off our chest, but the way we did it wasn’t right. In the end I told her that I think she is mean and hateful and she told me that she thinks I am mean and hateful too.

The conversation ended with her telling me and my husband to have a nice life and she hung up. I feel really bad about the way the conversation ended. I do not feel bad for what I said because I was being honest with my feelings, but I do wish that I had been a little calmer when I talked to her. I believe that no matter how I approached the situation she still would have blown up at me, but I should not have yelled too.

I do plan to apologize to her….I’m going to give her some space, though before I say anything to her. Besides, I don’t think she would take my phone calls. My question is, what is the best way for me to resolve this conflict for myself? I want and need to have total peace where this situation is concerned. It is something that has bothered me for more than eight years.

The spirit behind a lot of her actions is a strong one. It is a spirit that causes me to shutdown and be much more reserved than normal. It is a spirit that makes me watch my back and not rust anything that comes out of her mouth. Despite all this, and despite the fact that I am very weary in all of this, I still feel the need to take the high road and do what is right. Aside from apologizing, what else can I do to create peace between us, but not be a doormat?

I'm so sorry Mrselle....

The number 8 is the number for New Beginnings.

Move on with your husband, please God and please your husband.

Give his mom over to the Lord and do not look back. You are not 'Lot's wife', who looked back and only ended up as a Pillar (stone) of salt.

Salt is bitter and lookinng back will only cause your heart to become bitter, when instead, God has called you to be pure in heart which you are.

Stay away from this woman's thorns and reach only for the soft petals of love which God has given you to enjoy in this life. All you can do is pray for her and allow God to change you. Change you to be strengthened against any and all future 'attacks' from this area of your husband's family. And trust me, another attack is coming but they will be diffused by the change in your heart that God is bringing you to.

Fire only induces more fire. When she comes to you full ablaze, you will only have the pure waters of your heart to diffuse her flames and firey darts. Let God change you. The focus is you and God, not upon her from this moment on.

Is this disrespectful? No. It's love. You will no longer be a victim to her attacks where love has taken rule over your heart. Her fire will only meet with the waters of your heart filled with love for her.

"8".. God's number for new beginnings. Let Him have all of you to make brand new.

No one is worth losing your hair over.... Love grows hair ankle length.

Yes it does...

I said that to make you smile.... but it does work. It really does. :Rose:

 

[Laela]

Shimmie,

There are days I just thank God for you.. lol

There are times we just need to keep a distance from some people, whether they are family or not. Abraham is a fine example, when God instructed him in Genesis 12 to leave his kin -- blood relatives -- and all he had behind. That's the finest example of having FAITH in God that he will take care of our needs.
We have to keep our eyes on God. We cannot save anyone, only he can. I agree with you that the OP should focus on her relationship with her hubby and with God, and that she ought to put her Mother-In-Law in God's hands (prayer)... and keep it moving.

That's not a disrespectul nor bad thing to do. It's that move of faith that will "fix" what's broken!

God Bless you sis!!!

 

[mamaore]

In the same shoes with op!.

Although I have so much more to work on. Trying to fix my love walk first, hopefully that will ease my own frictions with my MIL.

Op, God is able to make his grace abound to you in all things and at all times.
Just keep praying for her and the situation.

 

[Shimmie]

Shimmie,

There are days I just thank God for you.. lol

There are times we just need to keep a distance from some people, whether they are family or not. Abraham is a fine example, when God instructed him in Genesis 12 to leave his kin -- blood relatives -- and all he had behind. That's the finest example of having FAITH in God that he will take care of our needs.
We have to keep our eyes on God. We cannot save anyone, only he can. I agree with you that the OP should focus on her relationship with her hubby and with God, and that she ought to put her Mother-In-Law in God's hands (prayer)... and keep it moving.

That's not a disrespectul nor bad thing to do. It's that move of faith that will "fix" what's broken!

God Bless you sis!!!

Hi Pretty Laela... God bless you.

It's hard when we have struggles with family. Lord knows, I have my trials as well, and it's heartbreaking, a sure trial by fire.

I've learned that there are two trials by Fire...

One is God's, where He proves us as 'Gold'. He only keeps us there long enough until we've been 'proved', refined by Him.

The other is satan's hell fire on earth. The fire of strife and contention. Where we see and feel nothing but the flames which only serve to anger us even more and it dries up the roots that God wants to ground us in Him.

I'm still learning temperment 'control' with some of my family members.

But as women of God, we wrestle not with flesh and blood; we are mighty through God and the pulling down of strongholds.

We are 'fruitful' and we multiply all that is good.

 

[Shimmie]

In the same shoes with op!.

Although I have so much more to work on. Trying to fix my love walk first, hopefully that will ease my own frictions with my MIL.

Op, God is able to make his grace abound to you in all things and at all times.
Just keep praying for her and the situation.

Most Mothers in law resent the 'woman' who has 'taken' her son away. ESPECIALLY if her son is happy! And don't add the sister in law, who resents the wife as well.

Some moms will not let go and it's just wrong. This is why "God" gave the man permission to do just this...

And so shall a MAN leave his mother and his father and shall "Cleave Unto His Wife" and whom God hath joined together, let no man put assunder.

"Let no man separate, interfere, meddle, backbite, cause friction, commotion, and disharmony."

God said this more than once; it s in both the Old and New Testament. So, ummmmm, I think He means it.

Remember what happen to Miriam and Aaron who were causing dirision between Moses and his 'Black' wife. God was tired of Miriam's mouth, talking against Zephariah and Moses (husband and wife) and God got up and commanded:

Miriam, Aaron .......... "COME HERE ! ! !"

Miriam became leperous and was cast out from the camp until she was healed and her mouth was contained.

I'm just saying.....

God does not favor inteferences made by outsiders, upon a Man and his wife and their Marriage.

In no way, am I wishing anything harmful or negative upon anyone's family member. This is only shared to encourage those under pressure that God is on your side and that love will rule and bring this all to an end.

So, be encouraged. I'm praying for love and peace in each of your families and loved ones.

 

[BeautifulFlower]

Thanks for stating that.

Then I agree with the others, distance now is your best bet. You can forgive and love from a distance. Dont want to give her another reason to act out. Prayer truly changes things and people (whether its you or her or both).

Thank you for your feedback. In the past I have asked her why she doesn’t like me or my family and her response has always been in the neighborhood of that she likes me and thinks I’m good wife, etc… I will ask her again because I think our argument opened the door for us to have a conversation that is a little more honest. I see now that whether or not I am justified in my actions I should be more willing to let stuff go and accept the fact that while I cannot control her actions I can control the way I respond to her. Thank you again.

 

[mrselle]

I'm so sorry Mrselle....

The number 8 is the number for New Beginnings.

Move on with your husband, please God and please your husband.

Give his mom over to the Lord and do not look back. You are not 'Lot's wife', who looked back and only ended up as a Pillar (stone) of salt.

Salt is bitter and lookinng back will only cause your heart to become bitter, when instead, God has called you to be pure in heart which you are.

Stay away from this woman's thorns and reach only for the soft petals of love which God has given you to enjoy in this life. All you can do is pray for her and allow God to change you. Change you to be strengthened against any and all future 'attacks' from this area of your husband's family. And trust me, another attack is coming but they will be diffused by the change in your heart that God is bringing you to.

Fire only induces more fire. When she comes to you full ablaze, you will only have the pure waters of your heart to diffuse her flames and firey darts. Let God change you. The focus is you and God, not upon her from this moment on.

Is this disrespectful? No. It's love. You will no longer be a victim to her attacks where love has taken rule over your heart. Her fire will only meet with the waters of your heart filled with love for her.

"8".. God's number for new beginnings. Let Him have all of you to make brand new.

No one is worth losing your hair over.... Love grows hair ankle length.

Yes it does...

I said that to make you smile.... but it does work. It really does. :Rose:

Thank you, Shimmie. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I hear everything you're saying and believe me I am taking these words to heart. My friend/prayer partner and I talked last night and prayed and everything you said is confirming what she said.

And you did make me laugh. You made my heart smile and you made me laugh. I don't think I'd laughed all day until I read your post.

 

[mrselle]

Shimmie,

There are days I just thank God for you.. lol

There are times we just need to keep a distance from some people, whether they are family or not. Abraham is a fine example, when God instructed him in Genesis 12 to leave his kin -- blood relatives -- and all he had behind. That's the finest example of having FAITH in God that he will take care of our needs.
We have to keep our eyes on God. We cannot save anyone, only he can. I agree with you that the OP should focus on her relationship with her hubby and with God, and that she ought to put her Mother-In-Law in God's hands (prayer)... and keep it moving.

That's not a disrespectul nor bad thing to do. It's that move of faith that will "fix" what's broken!

God Bless you sis!!!

Thank you for your kind words and thank you for quoting that scripture. That is a scripture God gave me years ago. He told me to read it and He would give me understanding. It's awesome how one scripture can cover so many areas in a person's life.

 

[Nice & Wavy]

I'm so sorry Mrselle....

The number 8 is the number for New Beginnings.

Move on with your husband, please God and please your husband.

Give his mom over to the Lord and do not look back. You are not 'Lot's wife', who looked back and only ended up as a Pillar (stone) of salt.

Salt is bitter and lookinng back will only cause your heart to become bitter, when instead, God has called you to be pure in heart which you are.

Stay away from this woman's thorns and reach only for the soft petals of love which God has given you to enjoy in this life. All you can do is pray for her and allow God to change you. Change you to be strengthened against any and all future 'attacks' from this area of your husband's family. And trust me, another attack is coming but they will be diffused by the change in your heart that God is bringing you to.

Fire only induces more fire. When she comes to you full ablaze, you will only have the pure waters of your heart to diffuse her flames and firey darts. Let God change you. The focus is you and God, not upon her from this moment on.

Is this disrespectful? No. It's love. You will no longer be a victim to her attacks where love has taken rule over your heart. Her fire will only meet with the waters of your heart filled with love for her.

"8".. God's number for new beginnings. Let Him have all of you to make brand new.

No one is worth losing your hair over.... Love grows hair ankle length.

Yes it does...

I said that to make you smile.... but it does work. It really does. :Rose:

A great chapter for your new book!

 

[mrselle]

No, it doesn't have a negative effect on my marriage anymore. When we first got married I ran to my husband with every little offense. It caused arguments and hurt feelings. As I matured, I realized that he can talk to his mother all day long, but in the end he has no control over her actions. I also realized that she kind of liked for him talking to her about her behavior. That showed her that she was a topic of conversation in our home. When I stopped going to him with every little offense she backed off for a while until she came up with new tactics.

This is TOUGH!!!! That must really feel sucky... Like I could understand if you guys were still dating, but you're permanent at this point! She has to get over it now if she has an issue... I hope this doesn't affect your marriage, and if it has, don't let it cuz that is her goal! I'm sorry lady I hope you feel some comfort from ppl's responses... and let this be a way to get closer to your husband. And make sure you show him that you want to be the peacemaker, cuz I know this has to be tough and maybe even really embarrassing for him... I can't imagine how he must feel having to tell his Mommy to back down... That sucks.

 

[Laela]

You're most welcome, sis! I know you'll be just fine. Thank God for his Word. I see the Bible as a bag of seeds and whenever I have a problem, I reach for a seed to plant in my heart and let it grow (meditating). It works wonders and helps balance my temperament, esp. when it comes to Family. I've grown quite a bit and still have some more growing to do. Thank God there really is a Scripture for everything!!

God Bless you as you and your husband walk together in Love.

Thank you for your kind words and thank you for quoting that scripture. That is a scripture God gave me years ago. He told me to read it and He would give me understanding. It's awesome how one scripture can cover so many areas in a person's life.