The Divorce ink is not even dried yet

[Laginappe]

No, we know none of these things other than the fact that they were involved in an affair while he was still married.

For me no other explanation is required. And I can absolutley “assume” that being with a seperated person is wrong because for me it is. For me the issue is black and white. There’s no amout of time limits or explanations or special circumstances that negate the fact that there has been no divorce.

 

[Laginappe]

[ QUOTE ]
LorraineG said:
I have a coworker who is dating now and his divorce was final two weeks ago. I think you have to take into consideration how long a divorce takes. His process lasted for nearly a year and he is feeling free. After all the stories he told me I feel so sorry for him. He got the kids, too so he is really ecstatic.

[/ QUOTE ]

And for me its great that he’s feeling free but if the paperwork doesn’t back that feeling up I can’t go there. People do all sorts of things under the notion of how they “feel” about the situation. I go by facts not feelings.

I personally would also have severe reservations about a guy jumping back into the dating pool so soon especially when he’s got kids at home who are dealing with the aftermath of the divorce. Severe reservations.

 

[AnnDriena_]

Yep. Laginappe and I look at the fact that they are finally looking for rings now that the divorce is final. Why now? If the divorce not being final didn't stop you from dating why is it so important for him to be divorced before you get engaged. Something seems fishy to me and it's not the timeline, although that is too. But my attention wasn't riveted to that or the subject of adultery. I keep thinking back to her being so happy now that the divorce is final. That seems fishy to me. People at the jewelry store don't know whether or not you're divorce is final and engagement is not a legal process so it's not like his legal marriage problems was what was stopping it in the first place. He just seems a little shady to me.

 

[trinidarkie1]

Laginappe you are contradicting yourself or I just dont understand.. *shakes head*
All the same, my argument is, it is wrong by whose standards?
I am just being the devil's advocate here..
If we're talking Biblically then oh hell yeah..
If we're talking legally then no it isnt wrong.
Not everyone has a biblical basis to make their judgements, and if we want to admit it or not, a lot of our morals and ethics are based on a Christian/religious rule or tennet.
All the same, I commend u on your stance, you feel very strongly about this.
If my husband and I separated, both willingly and we were in the process of getting a divorce, religious reasoning aside then I would have no problem with either of us seeing other people. This would have to be a separation on the road to finality, as in the papers are being processed, begin moving on with your life, if that includes dating then so be it, if that doesnt include dating then fine.

 

[Laginappe]

[ QUOTE ]
trinidarkie1 said:
Laginappe you are contradicting yourself or I just dont understand.. *shakes head*
All the same, my argument is, it is wrong by whose standards?
I am just being the devil's advocate here..
If we're talking Biblically then oh hell yeah..
If we're talking legally then no it isnt wrong.
Not everyone has a biblical basis to make their judgements, and if we want to admit it or not, a lot of our morals and ethics are based on a Christian/religious rule or tennet.
All the same, I commend u on your stance, you feel very strongly about this.
If my husband and I separated, both willingly and we were in the process of getting a divorce, religious reasoning aside then I would have no problem with either of us seeing other people. This would have to be a separation on the road to finality, as in the papers are being processed, begin moving on with your life, if that includes dating then so be it, if that doesnt include dating then fine.

[/ QUOTE ]

I don’t see where I’ve contradicted myself..show me where the confusion is…

But to answer your questions “Is it wrong by whose standards?”

Its wrong for me by my standards.

Meaning if this separated man were to approach me and seek a relationship with me it would not happen. No matter if I think he’s cute, hot, meets all of my other requirements…the fact that he is seperated and/or recently (Newly! Freshly!) divorced would veto the move for me immediatley.

There are certain lines that I will not cross. And by default I hate to see others cross them as well. Fully recognizing that I can’t control what they do – but I can still say that I don’t like to see them do it.

And the reason I feel so strongly about this - To me when you start to rationalize a part of a behavior you open the door for further rationalizations. A seperated person is still married. If its ok to start a relationship with them then because of the rationalization that they’re separated for X amount of time – then its not a far leap to make to take that rationalization further. If its ok to date a man who’s been legally seperated for 2 years, then its ok to date one that’s been seperated for 1 year, or 6 months, or a month…

Where do you draw the line?

I draw the line at the beginning. I don’t condone relationships with married people under any circumstances. Its easier that way. There is never any reason to explain to someone’s question “Isn’t he married??” “Well yeah but he’s been seperated for 3 whole months!”

Its that “Well yeah but…” that will F you up every time. I’m too old for the nonsense.

 

[Lorraine]

[ QUOTE ]
Laginappe said:
[ QUOTE ]
LorraineG said:
I have a coworker who is dating now and his divorce was final two weeks ago. I think you have to take into consideration how long a divorce takes. His process lasted for nearly a year and he is feeling free. After all the stories he told me I feel so sorry for him. He got the kids, too so he is really ecstatic.

[/ QUOTE ]

And for me its great that he’s feeling free but if the paperwork doesn’t back that feeling up I can’t go there. People do all sorts of things under the notion of how they “feel” about the situation. I go by facts not feelings.

I personally would also have severe reservations about a guy jumping back into the dating pool so soon especially when he’s got kids at home who are dealing with the aftermath of the divorce. Severe reservations.

[/ QUOTE ]

I don't know what he went through during his marriage nor have I ever been married and divorced so I neither condone nor disagree with what he is doing. From what he has told me he endured special circumstances and was mentally abused for years by someone who was clinically ill. It's all about choice. He chose to date and if the end result is someone's happiness and the happiness of their family then why is there so much debate? He and the woman he is dating are both consenting adults. It's their business.

Regarding the poster's comment/question no one has any information on this woman, her man, and his wife. You don't have any facts regarding how long they have dated, how they met and what their relationship is like. I am assuming these are all adults (over 21). What they do is again their business. Move on. There are some who agree with it and some who would not condone and participate. Whatever the case, people are stating their opinion and that gives no one the right to judge.

BTW, Laginappe my comment was in response to the poster. I wasn't implying that you would date before the divorce was final. I certainly don't want to get pulled into this little quarrel ya'll have going on.

 

[trinidarkie1]

[ QUOTE ]
Laginappe said:
[ QUOTE ]
trinidarkie1 said:
Laginappe you are contradicting yourself or I just dont understand.. *shakes head*
All the same, my argument is, it is wrong by whose standards?
I am just being the devil's advocate here..
If we're talking Biblically then oh hell yeah..
If we're talking legally then no it isnt wrong.
Not everyone has a biblical basis to make their judgements, and if we want to admit it or not, a lot of our morals and ethics are based on a Christian/religious rule or tennet.
All the same, I commend u on your stance, you feel very strongly about this.
If my husband and I separated, both willingly and we were in the process of getting a divorce, religious reasoning aside then I would have no problem with either of us seeing other people. This would have to be a separation on the road to finality, as in the papers are being processed, begin moving on with your life, if that includes dating then so be it, if that doesnt include dating then fine.

[/ QUOTE ]

I don’t see where I’ve contradicted myself..show me where the confusion is…

But to answer your questions “Is it wrong by whose standards?”

Its wrong for me by my standards.

Meaning if this separated man were to approach me and seek a relationship with me it would not happen. No matter if I think he’s cute, hot, meets all of my other requirements…the fact that he is seperated and/or recently (Newly! Freshly!) divorced would veto the move for me immediatley.

There are certain lines that I will not cross. And by default I hate to see others cross them as well. Fully recognizing that I can’t control what they do – but I can still say that I don’t like to see them do it.

And the reason I feel so strongly about this - To me when you start to rationalize a part of a behavior you open the door for further rationalizations. A seperated person is still married. If its ok to start a relationship with them then because of the rationalization that they’re separated for X amount of time – then its not a far leap to make to take that rationalization further. If its ok to date a man who’s been legally seperated for 2 years, then its ok to date one that’s been seperated for 1 year, or 6 months, or a month…

Where do you draw the line?

I draw the line at the beginning. I don’t condone relationships with married people under any circumstances. Its easier that way. There is never any reason to explain to someone’s question “Isn’t he married??” “Well yeah but he’s been seperated for 3 whole months!”

Its that “Well yeah but…” that will F you up every time. I’m too old for the nonsense.

[/ QUOTE ]

Completely understood NOW

I hear you loud and clear

 

[Laginappe]

[ QUOTE ]
LorraineG said:
I don't know what he went through during his marriage nor have I ever been married and divorced so I neither condone nor disagree with what he is doing. From what he has told me he endured special circumstances and was mentally abused for years by someone who was clinically ill. It's all about choice. He chose to date and if the end result is someone's happiness and the happiness of their family then why is there so much debate? He and the woman he is dating are both consenting adults. It's their business.
Regarding the poster's comment/question no one has any information on this woman, her man, and his wife. You don't have any facts regarding how long they have dated, how they met and what their relationship is like. I am assuming these are all adults (over 21). What they do is again their business. Move on. There are some who agree with it and some who would not condone and participate. Whatever the case, people are stating their opinion and that gives no one the right to judge.

BTW, Laginappe my comment was in response to the poster. I wasn't implying that you would date before the divorce was final. I certainly don't want to get pulled into this little quarrel ya'll have going on.

[/ QUOTE ]

I understand –and I’m in the same boat. I’ve never been married or divorced. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t have a good and clear understanding of the pitfalls of situations like these. I don’t have enough fingers and toes to count up the examples of relationships I’ve seen gone bad under similar circumstances. So going by other’s experiences is enough for me to disagree with the synopsis that you’ve laid out about your co-worker’s situation as well as the one from the original post.

I don’t have to have personal scars to know that fire burns. I can fully understand the concept by just looking at what other people have gone through.

As far as the facts that we don’t have about these two situations – for me they don’t matter. For me any further revelations beyond the issue of marriage are irrelevant. Any rationalization is irrelevant. Meaning, any laying of the facts as to who did what when and under which circumstances….all are attempts to rationalize and explain behavior past point A. – He was married (or in your coworker’s situation…recently divorced).

And finally there is an element of judgment / judging in every opinion one makes. At least that’s the way I see it.

 

[TripleP]

She is have a dinner to celebrate LOL