The Control Factor

[Amelia456]

Hey Ladies!

So, my best friend (who is a straight man) is always talking to me about relationships and trying to give me pep talks to keep me ahead of the game (that's what he says).

Any way, he told me that in a relationship, in order for a woman to receive equity and equal treatment, she must be in control of the relationship b/c men don't know how to have control of a relationship without becoming big headed and acting foolish.

He said that the person that has control of the relationship is the person that cares least about the relationship and the person who can walk away easily if need be. Not that the person is heartless and does not share his or her feelings, just that the person shows his or her feelings moderately and is not tolerant of bs (ex. excessive tardiness, stand ups, foul language. Basically, all the nonsense is checked immediately).

He told me that this is why men normally do not stress that badly over break ups. Because men normally have control of the relationship, they don't feel screwed over when the relationship is over. In fact, they feel like they got the better end of the stick and can move on feeling satisfied.
Women on the other hand, b/c they normally don't have the control, feel crushed when the relationship is over. They feel used, screwed over, and therefore hurt for longer periods of time.

Any way, here's the catch. In order for the relationship to work (the point isn't to be a bossy bossy girlfriend, it's to have equity and equality), the woman must not take the man for granted. Show him love, respect, and give him props when they are due. This is the part that my best friend said men screw up when they have control of the relationship. He said that most men, when in control, forget to show love, respect, and props.

When I asked my friend about a 50/50 relationship, the type where both parties share control, he commented that that is ideal, but that it hardly every happens. And, when it does not happen, it is always better for the woman to be in control.

What do you think?

 

[HeChangedMyName]

interesting. very interesting. May be some truth to this since I have control issues(use to have them) and I was real quick to leave a situation without looking back. hmmmmm. I don't know if that control will be beneficial in the long run though because I am currently single because I was that walk-away person and it got me no where but alone(which I am thankful for my aloneness, because if I am single then that means that I can be found by Boaz )

 

[Divine Inspiration]

I tend to agree with him, but a mature man can handle being the leader without becoming a jerk.

This is why I maintain that women need to SIT DOWN and let these men come to them and do the work. That's how you garner their adoration and respect apart from who you are as a woman.

 

[HeChangedMyName]

I tend to agree with him, but a mature man can handle being the leader without becoming a jerk.

This is why I maintain that women need to SIT DOWN and let these men come to them and do the work. That's how you garner their adoration and respect apart from who you are as a woman.

PREACH!!! PREACH!! PREACH!! Boy, I wish someone would have told me that umpteen years ago.

 

[Amelia456]

More responses please

 

[imstush]

I agree. I don't like to lose control. The one time I lost control I had my heart broken. Never again.

 

[missty1029]

I think this kind of goes in line with the theory "that a woman should be with someone who loves her more then she loves him." Yes you can step back and let the man be a man and if he loves you in that way he is going to do that. As the woman you appreciate him and encourage him.

 

[metro_qt]

Someone told me exactly what this guy told you a long time ago.
I agree with what he said 100%.
I know countless girls right now taking the demise of their relationship or...'so called' relationship rough, because they feel they just got thrown out with the trash.

Also, why is it that girls/women are most often the ones to be in 'so called' relationships.. where they can't define what they and the man are... so they hang on for dear life, year after year, waiting for the man to.... propose? or at least be a real boyfriend...

lol. The person who has the least to lose-meaning the person who knows that they are worth it, and that there are MANY other fish in the sea is the one that comes out of the relationship on top....(well. with less hurt feelings). Said person is the one less likely to take up with BS regarding the relationship.. it's shape UP or ship OUT.

 

[MD_Lady]

Interesting points (and I mean that in a good way ). IMO, letting your head rule your heart (instead of your heart ruling your head) is the root of the problem. IME, women have more of a general tendency to get caught up in a fairly tale than men do. As a result, they get their feelings hung up in what they want the relationship to be than seeing it for how it really is. It's a whole heck of a lot easier to cut your losses from a bad relationship when you're operating in the real world as opposed to a fantasy one.

 

[FluffyRed]

As the woman who is normally in control, who has easily walked away from several relationship, I can tell you that keeping that control as a priority can definitely affect the quality of relationship you have.

Self-protection is a priority, but at some point you need to let go.

I think a woman should exercise full control during the selection process, choose smartly and not give her all until that man has committed to her. IOW, not give the full benefits of marriage until he pays the full cost - walking her down the aisle.

 

[HeChangedMyName]

As the woman who is normally in control, who has easily walked away from several relationship, I can tell you that keeping that control as a priority can definitely affect the quality of relationship you have.

Self-protection is a priority, but at some point you need to let go.

I think a woman should exercise full control during the selection process, choose smartly and not give her all until that man has committed to her. IOW, not give the full benefits of marriage until he pays the full cost - walking her down the aisle.

we are >>>>here<<<<<< I am single now, but know that going into my next relationship I have to let go. I have been accused of not caring fully and probably due to my controlling, independant mindset. I haven't fully trusted anyone enough to relinquish control. Someone said in this thread that a real man wont abuse his control. And to find a good man, you have to do as you stated in bold. That will help you weed out the ones who are not real men and in the end, you will be left with a real man who can be in control without making you feel like you are under his foot.

 

[AstroQueen77]

your friend makes a good point...but he is talking about men that are immature and women that are insecure to begin with. there are good strong men emotionally in the world ladies. these are the men that can lead without becoming jerks. he gave you instructions on how to deal with immature "men". a great relationship should not be a tug of war for control.

 

[Lylddlebit]

~~~~~~~~~Deleted~~~~~~~~~~

 

[gn1g]

I agree the one that cares the least controls the relationship. I also think the one with the most money controls the relationship.

Now my question is does this change. Can you go from being the one that cares the most to the one that cares the least and then start to be in control? I am looking at it from the rules perspective. Not sure if I am coming across clear.

 

[Divine Inspiration]

I agree the one that cares the least controls the relationship. I also think the one with the most money controls the relationship.

Now my question is does this change. Can you go from being the one that cares the most to the one that cares the least and then start to be in control? I am looking at it from the rules perspective. Not sure if I am coming across clear.

I think it's possible but EXTREMELY difficult. Most women are not emotionally and mentally disciplined enough to stay the course long enough for such a shift to occur.

I have tried and failed once before, and I have tried and succeeded.
It's HARD...not impossible...but it requires an entire overhaul of the way you think and relate to him and the relationship. Plus, there's the balancing act of being just outside of his reach emotionally without being withdrawing and witchy.

When it happens, it's extraordinarily effective...dude was turning cartwheels, singing hymns, and blowing up my Blackberry. But when it doesn't, he usually sniffs out what you're attempting to do and then begins to manipulate you (without you knowing it).

I say start in control and don't ever relinquish control.