Iammoney
Wealth magnet
Introduction:
The Way You Always Wanted Things to Happen
“For one human being to love another: that is perhaps the most difficult of our tasks; the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation.”
– Rainer Maria Rilke
What is a Surrendered Single? And just what is she surrendering—and to whom?
A Surrendered Single recognizes that if she wants to attract the man with whom she can develop intimacy, she cannot control relationships. She cannot determine who asks her out, how he'll do it, when he'll call or e-mail, or if he'll commit to her. A Surrendered Single may have unwittingly been trying to control, manipulate and force relationships previously, but no more.
She doesn't hunt for Mr. Right–she attracts him.
She's purposely quiet on first dates so she can learn more about him and stay with her own feelings and intuition about what he reveals.
She relinquishes her checklist of qualities she thinks she requires in a man. Then, she acknowledges that she can be blissfully happy with an imperfect man, and that she will definitely be lonely without one.
Surrendering is about following some basic principles that will help you change your habits and attitudes about dating. It is terrifying because, at times you will feel vulnerable. But the results are grand: your fears will melt. You will discover amazing, available men. You will feel adored. You'll stop going it alone.
You will find intimacy with a good man.
Surrender Control, Find Your Faith
There's a constant in romance: You can't control when, where or how you fall in love. You can't even control whom you fall in love with. The chemistry and mystery of love are unpredictable.
Every story of how couples first met includes the element of a pleasant surprise. They didn't expect to meet their mates then or there. Not on a Wednesday. Not at the paint store. Not over nachos, or during the seventh inning stretch at a baseball game.
Marla didn't intend to fall in love with her friend's co-worker, but now they're happily married with a baby. Had Jessica known she would meet her future husband at the gym one day, she probably would have put on lipstick before she left the house. Sarah didn't anticipate meeting anybody at all for a while after breaking off an engagement, but mutual friends of the man she would later marry introduced them.
These women did not expect to find their soul mates when or how they did. But they did have faith—whether they knew it or not—that somewhere in the universe was a man who was right for them. They simply had to be open to the possibility of encountering him.
That's all faith is—being open to the possibilities.
Maybe you think that's great for other women but you don't believe that faith—which may seem maddeningly elusive—is going to win you a great romance.
Think again.
Having faith means you can let life surprise you. That doesn't mean that we are powerless, just that we embrace the unknown and stop being afraid of uncertainty.
It means liking the idea that the man of your dreams may look and sound nothing like the one you had imagined. Faith means that you keep your door open to dating, no matter how discouraged and frustrated you are, because you believe that ultimately the man who's right for you will walk through it.
For those of us who would like to have control of every aspect of our lives as though we were climbing a predictable corporate ladder, this is hard to swallow. The unknown is disconcerting. Trekking forward willingly requires faith.
Part of what keeps you single is lack of faith. The other part is fear of the unknown.
Who's Afraid of Dating?
“A person usually has two reasons for doing something: a good reason and the real reason.”
– Thomas Carlyle
Every strong, single woman I know rolls her eyes when I suggest that lack of faith and fear are what keep her alone. She doesn't typically think of herself as scared because she's built a career and a terrific circle of friends, stood up to dozens of men, and often even raised a child alone. She is capable and hearty.
And she's through with “having faith” because so far, it hasn't done a thing for her. (Or so she thinks.) In fact, the very word is disconcerting to her. Truth is, her faith is as out of shape as her first little black dress, and it's as worn as the fabulous heels she bought to go with it.
This is understandable. When we believe that something will happen, but have no control over whether it does, the possibility of disappointment looms. What could be more disappointing than believing he's out there, and never finding him? We'd be faced with thinking that there's something wrong with us. To protect herself, the single woman does a funny little sidestep.
She goes into the world with good intentions to find someone who has all the characteristics she wants in a partner. She makes a list of these characteristics by starting with what she knows will meet her parents' approval and what her friends will like. Unfortunately, her list is now both restrictive and irrelevant since it has nothing to do with her own desires.
Each potential suitor is measured against his ability to fit into her complicated jigsaw puzzle of the perfect guy.
Of course, nobody fits.
She thinks she feels hopeless that there's “no one out there,” but really the terror of risking her heart keeps her from acknowledging that any man might be right. Her good intentions cover her fear, and keep her from having to muster up a critical ingredient for finding love: courage.
Nobody wants to have her heart broken, so it's sensible to want to protect yourself.
But repeatedly searching for a partner and never finding one feels awful. Since trying to control potential suitors by comparing them to a checklist guarantees you'll end up empty-handed, surrendering means throwing out that checklist and giving yourself a chance to attract the unexpected.
When we surrender, we relinquish inappropriate control and override the fear underneath so we can have the thing we crave the most—intimacy.
Control and Intimacy are Opposites
If you've been dating off and on but never stay in a relationship for long, you may be telling yourself that you've just never met the right man. Chances are your fear is preventing you from standing still or being quiet long enough to find out if the men you date might be right for you. Perhaps your fear of heartbreak propels you to elicit affection, reassurance and commitments to assuage your insecurities. Maybe you feel safer being physically intimate than emotionally vulnerable and therefore relegate potential relationships to short-lived sexual flings.
All of this is about control.
If you haven't gone out on a date in a long time you might be telling yourself that men just don't approach you, when really you've been trying to control who asks you out. Maybe you've been so focused on a man who shows little interest that you're missing out on other opportunities to date because your field of vision is so narrow. Avoiding eye contact with men, refusing offers for blind dates and running off before a guy has a chance to get your phone number are examples of trying to protect yourself with control.
Maybe you're in a committed relationship and wishing your boyfriend would shape up in some way—be tidier, make more money, enhance the romance, or propose. It's easy—and tempting–to be the arm-chair quarterback of someone else's life, but it's in taking responsibility for our own happiness that we make ourselves available for an intimate relationship.
No matter how you try to control the prospects and relationships in your life, the result is the same: loneliness and exhaustion set in where tenderness and romance belong.
The Way You Always Wanted Things to Happen
“For one human being to love another: that is perhaps the most difficult of our tasks; the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation.”
– Rainer Maria Rilke
What is a Surrendered Single? And just what is she surrendering—and to whom?
A Surrendered Single recognizes that if she wants to attract the man with whom she can develop intimacy, she cannot control relationships. She cannot determine who asks her out, how he'll do it, when he'll call or e-mail, or if he'll commit to her. A Surrendered Single may have unwittingly been trying to control, manipulate and force relationships previously, but no more.
She doesn't hunt for Mr. Right–she attracts him.
She's purposely quiet on first dates so she can learn more about him and stay with her own feelings and intuition about what he reveals.
She relinquishes her checklist of qualities she thinks she requires in a man. Then, she acknowledges that she can be blissfully happy with an imperfect man, and that she will definitely be lonely without one.
Surrendering is about following some basic principles that will help you change your habits and attitudes about dating. It is terrifying because, at times you will feel vulnerable. But the results are grand: your fears will melt. You will discover amazing, available men. You will feel adored. You'll stop going it alone.
You will find intimacy with a good man.
Surrender Control, Find Your Faith
There's a constant in romance: You can't control when, where or how you fall in love. You can't even control whom you fall in love with. The chemistry and mystery of love are unpredictable.
Every story of how couples first met includes the element of a pleasant surprise. They didn't expect to meet their mates then or there. Not on a Wednesday. Not at the paint store. Not over nachos, or during the seventh inning stretch at a baseball game.
Marla didn't intend to fall in love with her friend's co-worker, but now they're happily married with a baby. Had Jessica known she would meet her future husband at the gym one day, she probably would have put on lipstick before she left the house. Sarah didn't anticipate meeting anybody at all for a while after breaking off an engagement, but mutual friends of the man she would later marry introduced them.
These women did not expect to find their soul mates when or how they did. But they did have faith—whether they knew it or not—that somewhere in the universe was a man who was right for them. They simply had to be open to the possibility of encountering him.
That's all faith is—being open to the possibilities.
Maybe you think that's great for other women but you don't believe that faith—which may seem maddeningly elusive—is going to win you a great romance.
Think again.
Having faith means you can let life surprise you. That doesn't mean that we are powerless, just that we embrace the unknown and stop being afraid of uncertainty.
It means liking the idea that the man of your dreams may look and sound nothing like the one you had imagined. Faith means that you keep your door open to dating, no matter how discouraged and frustrated you are, because you believe that ultimately the man who's right for you will walk through it.
For those of us who would like to have control of every aspect of our lives as though we were climbing a predictable corporate ladder, this is hard to swallow. The unknown is disconcerting. Trekking forward willingly requires faith.
Part of what keeps you single is lack of faith. The other part is fear of the unknown.
Who's Afraid of Dating?
“A person usually has two reasons for doing something: a good reason and the real reason.”
– Thomas Carlyle
Every strong, single woman I know rolls her eyes when I suggest that lack of faith and fear are what keep her alone. She doesn't typically think of herself as scared because she's built a career and a terrific circle of friends, stood up to dozens of men, and often even raised a child alone. She is capable and hearty.
And she's through with “having faith” because so far, it hasn't done a thing for her. (Or so she thinks.) In fact, the very word is disconcerting to her. Truth is, her faith is as out of shape as her first little black dress, and it's as worn as the fabulous heels she bought to go with it.
This is understandable. When we believe that something will happen, but have no control over whether it does, the possibility of disappointment looms. What could be more disappointing than believing he's out there, and never finding him? We'd be faced with thinking that there's something wrong with us. To protect herself, the single woman does a funny little sidestep.
She goes into the world with good intentions to find someone who has all the characteristics she wants in a partner. She makes a list of these characteristics by starting with what she knows will meet her parents' approval and what her friends will like. Unfortunately, her list is now both restrictive and irrelevant since it has nothing to do with her own desires.
Each potential suitor is measured against his ability to fit into her complicated jigsaw puzzle of the perfect guy.
Of course, nobody fits.
She thinks she feels hopeless that there's “no one out there,” but really the terror of risking her heart keeps her from acknowledging that any man might be right. Her good intentions cover her fear, and keep her from having to muster up a critical ingredient for finding love: courage.
Nobody wants to have her heart broken, so it's sensible to want to protect yourself.
But repeatedly searching for a partner and never finding one feels awful. Since trying to control potential suitors by comparing them to a checklist guarantees you'll end up empty-handed, surrendering means throwing out that checklist and giving yourself a chance to attract the unexpected.
When we surrender, we relinquish inappropriate control and override the fear underneath so we can have the thing we crave the most—intimacy.
Control and Intimacy are Opposites
If you've been dating off and on but never stay in a relationship for long, you may be telling yourself that you've just never met the right man. Chances are your fear is preventing you from standing still or being quiet long enough to find out if the men you date might be right for you. Perhaps your fear of heartbreak propels you to elicit affection, reassurance and commitments to assuage your insecurities. Maybe you feel safer being physically intimate than emotionally vulnerable and therefore relegate potential relationships to short-lived sexual flings.
All of this is about control.
If you haven't gone out on a date in a long time you might be telling yourself that men just don't approach you, when really you've been trying to control who asks you out. Maybe you've been so focused on a man who shows little interest that you're missing out on other opportunities to date because your field of vision is so narrow. Avoiding eye contact with men, refusing offers for blind dates and running off before a guy has a chance to get your phone number are examples of trying to protect yourself with control.
Maybe you're in a committed relationship and wishing your boyfriend would shape up in some way—be tidier, make more money, enhance the romance, or propose. It's easy—and tempting–to be the arm-chair quarterback of someone else's life, but it's in taking responsibility for our own happiness that we make ourselves available for an intimate relationship.
No matter how you try to control the prospects and relationships in your life, the result is the same: loneliness and exhaustion set in where tenderness and romance belong.