Suppose Mr Right is not what you thought or think?

[DayStar]

Now i know we have alot of IR thread already, but, i was talking to my roomate last night about my dilemmas with the men i have dated and she was basically asking me what guys i typically date, and i told her and she asked me...well "do you date outside your race...would you ever?"..and i told her :Nono: "no pink penis over here": and she said.."what if you are blocking your blessing because you are so hung up on color that you cannot notice a GOOD HONEST MAN when he comes your way....you are refuting a possible blessing"...i agreed...I told her of my IDEAL family in my head..but i have come to the realization that you dont get EVERYTHING that perfect...life introduces you to new things everyday....and what you may want doesnt equate what you need or what is best for you..black or white....but i cant see past color..and that translates to inferiority in my mind. We talked for about 2 hours. I have said time and time again that I was going to be open minded and then when the opportunity hit i was like NOPE..i have an image of "other" men lusting after me in a sexual way, and believe it or not sometimes i think of slavery and when the men use to rape the women...i know, these are the images i have of the "other"...i have come to the realization maybe late that love and compatibility is the only thing i want right now...im not ruling out any man..i just am going to be more open... oh..my roomates white thanks for letting me share.

 

[Bunny77]

Whenever this issue comes up, I say this...

You have choices. If you choose to date only black men, then cool, but don't get mad or complain later if you find yourself single or dateless longer than expected because YOU made the choice to only date men of one race for whatever reason.

And then, ask yourself if the reason has to do with how YOU really feel or how you're conditioned to feel... like this rape and slavery stuff... would you feel this way if someone hadn't told you about this? I never thought about the rape/slavery connecting with dating white men until someone told me about it when I was about 16 or 17...

I'm just saying... is how you feel based on actual experience or what you THINK might happen or hearsay? And if so, why are you letting outside factors determine YOUR life and affect YOUR potential happiness?

(By the way, the word YOU is being used in a general sense.)

 

[DayStar]

Whenever this issue comes up, I say this...

You have choices. If you choose to date only black men, then cool, but don't get mad or complain later if you find yourself single or dateless longer than expected because YOU made the choice to only date men of one race for whatever reason.

And then, ask yourself if the reason has to do with how YOU really feel or how you're conditioned to feel... like this rape and slavery stuff... would you feel this way if someone hadn't told you about this? I never thought about the rape/slavery connecting with dating white men until someone told me about it when I was about 16 or 17...

I'm just saying... is how you feel based on actual experience or what you THINK might happen or hearsay? And if so, why are you letting outside factors determine YOUR life and affect YOUR potential happiness?

You always come with it!!! When i was a teenager i was very PRO BLACK...As i got older i was still kinda pro black but not as a teenager when i was tryna find myself (with locs, head wraps and the whole nine)..I feel like how can i love my ppl like i do if i date an "other" and i know im not the only black woman that ever felt like this! Honestly when i use to be pro black the "other" would come full force, and my guys would look at me weird. Honestly Bunny, i think last night i finally got over my hang ups of the "other"...seriously...finally..it took almost 23 years! ...when im done in michigan i think im heading home to toronto, and so i will really be able to mix and mingle with everyone! Thanks for listening!

 

[Bunny77]

You always come with it!!! When i was a teenager i was very PRO BLACK...As i got older i was still kinda pro black but not as a teenager when i was tryna find myself (with locs, head wraps and the whole nine)..I feel like how can i love my ppl like i do if i date an "other" and i know im not the only black woman that ever felt like this! Honestly when i use to be pro black the "other" would come full force, and my guys would look at me weird. Honestly Bunny, i think last night i finally got over my hang ups of the "other"...seriously...finally..it took almost 23 years! ...when im done in michigan i think im heading home to toronto, and so i will really be able to mix and mingle with everyone! Thanks for listening!

Girl, I understand! The funny thing is, right now I'm helping teach a seminar at a black college designed to help black students succeed in their chosen profession. I'm in so many black associations and read black literature and all that... and yet, I'm dating a white guy?

But then think about it... they can be proud of being Irish, Italian, Polish, Jewish or whatever and nobody says boo about whether they're being true to their culture if they date someone who's not Irish, Italian, Polish, Jewish, etc... so why is it with us that we feel that we're somehow betraying our blackness if we date someone who's not black?

(And no, you're far from the only black woman to feel this way, and that's okay to feel this way. I just don't want people to deny themselves potential happiness they could find with a non-black man ONLY because of what they've been conditioned to think or believe.)

And after all that, you still could end up with a black man! Being open to other races doesn't mean you're "giving up" on the black man... you never know what will happen!

 

[DragonPearl]

I don't think IR dating is for everyone. If someone is unable to get past color to connect to another human being, then the relationship will be very difficult. I have always been able to get past people's race and social class; as a child and growing up, I had tons of friends of different races and different social backgrounds, so I didn't have to make a special effort as an adult.

 

[january noir]

Girl, I understand! The funny thing is, right now I'm helping teach a seminar at a black college designed to help black students succeed in their chosen profession. I'm in so many black associations and read black literature and all that... and yet, I'm dating a white guy?

But then think about it... they can be proud of being Irish, Italian, Polish, Jewish or whatever and nobody says boo about whether they're being true to their culture if they date someone who's not Irish, Italian, Polish, Jewish, etc... so why is it with us that we feel that we're somehow betraying our blackness if we date someone who's not black?

(And no, you're far from the only black woman to feel this way, and that's okay to feel this way. I just don't want people to deny themselves potential happiness they could find with a non-black man ONLY because of what they've been conditioned to think or believe.)

And after all that, you still could end up with a black man! Being open to other races doesn't mean you're "giving up" on the black man... you never know what will happen!

I am here with you Bunny and especially on the bolded.

 

[MD_Lady]

Now i know we have alot of IR thread already, but, i was talking to my roomate last night about my dilemmas with the men i have dated and she was basically asking me what guys i typically date, and i told her and she asked me...well "do you date outside your race...would you ever?"..and i told her :Nono: "no pink penis over here": and she said.."what if you are blocking your blessing because you are so hung up on color that you cannot notice a GOOD HONEST MAN when he comes your way....you are refuting a possible blessing"...i agreed...I told her of my IDEAL family in my head..but i have come to the realization that you dont get EVERYTHING that perfect...life introduces you to new things everyday....and what you may want doesnt equate what you need or what is best for you..black or white....but i cant see past color..and that translates to inferiority in my mind. We talked for about 2 hours. I have said time and time again that I was going to be open minded and then when the opportunity hit i was like NOPE..i have an image of "other" men lusting after me in a sexual way, and believe it or not sometimes i think of slavery and when the men use to rape the women...i know, these are the images i have of the "other"...i have come to the realization maybe late that love and compatibility is the only thing i want right now...im not ruling out any man..i just am going to be more open... oh..my roomates white thanks for letting me share.

Thanks for sharing

You aren't the only black woman who thinks about interracial dating and slavery. As a black woman who has dated interracially, I can't consider those viewpoints without playing devil's advocate- What if the white man you were interested in had abolitionists in his family? What if his family never owned slaves? (And I won't even go into the fact that, despite the horrific treatment black men received in the past at the hands of white racists, most black men seem to have "forgiven" them and have absolutely no trouble dating and marrying their great, great, great-granddaughters.). Of course I'm splitting hairs here, but all I'm saying is that if you meet a great man today, you shouldn't hold the sins of ancestors against him. Here's to being open-minded and appreciating the gifts that life presents to you in the form of curve balls.

 

[MD_Lady]

Whenever this issue comes up, I say this...

You have choices. If you choose to date only black men, then cool, but don't get mad or complain later if you find yourself single or dateless longer than expected because YOU made the choice to only date men of one race for whatever reason.

And then, ask yourself if the reason has to do with how YOU really feel or how you're conditioned to feel... like this rape and slavery stuff... would you feel this way if someone hadn't told you about this? I never thought about the rape/slavery connecting with dating white men until someone told me about it when I was about 16 or 17...

I'm just saying... is how you feel based on actual experience or what you THINK might happen or hearsay? And if so, why are you letting outside factors determine YOUR life and affect YOUR potential happiness?

(By the way, the word YOU is being used in a general sense.)

Very true

 

[Farida]

I agree.

If you narrow your options - be it race, height, hair color, shoe size, nationality - whatever! don't complain about having reduced your applicant pool, and then getting mad when the people you want start dating other people who aren't like you.

I don't mind people choosing to date only ______. I just hate when they choose to and then complain.


I currently live in Southern O.C.

My city is 2% black.
Take away the number of women.
Take away the number of underage or too young for me guys.
Take away the taken men.
Take away the gay men.
Take away the jerks.
Take away the men who aren't attracted to me for whatever reason.

What does that leave?


You take what you got and you work with it.

 

[Valerie]

There always seems to be this mentality that there isn't enough men, there is more that enough men in world, there are plenty, the statistics are only used as a guide line and you cannot base your life on statistics. You only need to one man. You need to sit down with the creator and have a honest conversation about the man you want, and what you are bringing to the relationship, there are many of choices. One thing with God, knowing how we are, he has giving up a choice of what race, colour, nationality of men are available. He don't care what colour, nationality or race you have as a husband, but we have to be honest with ourselves and the problem with many people, they live behind masks, they lie to themselves and everyone around them. 'To thy oneself by true'. Slavery happened there is nothing we can do about it, but we have to go on with our lives and ask, believe and receive and in the mean time, work on ourselves also and be better persons.

 

[carcajada]

Mr. Right is the right person for YOU, not the whole population of black females (or their opinion of Mr. Right).

 

[drasgrl]

I don't think IR dating is for everyone. If someone is unable to get past color to connect to another human being, then the relationship will be very difficult. I have always been able to get past people's race and social class; as a child and growing up, I had tons of friends of different races and different social backgrounds, so I didn't have to make a special effort as an adult.

I totally agree. Don't force yourself to think that you should be in an IRL if that's not what you really want. I've only had bf's outside my race and I'm totally comfortable with it. I went out with black and African guys a few times but never had a black bf. I don't date white dudes (generally not attracted to them) except for one white bf and that was a fluke.

Slavery never ever came into my mind when I was with him. I mean I'm not a slave and he's never owned slaves so I never had an idea to even think like that. To me that excuse sounds racist or a very weak excuse not to want to get to know someone past their skin color.

White people aren't the only people besides blacks to be involved with. If you don't like pink penises look into a Hispanic, or Asian. They've never enslaved us so maybe you'll get along better with them. I know what some of you think about Asian men but not all Asians are short. Come to think about it two out of three of my bf's and the majority of people I dated have been Asian not that I did that on purpose but that's just the way it happened.

At the end of the day people are people. Some people can look past color and some can't. At least you are trying to broaden your horizons. I hope your Mr. Right is someone exactly what you want.

 

[Dee Raven]

I completely agree with everyone, I think. You shouldn't feel pressured to do anything that you are uncomfortable with. I know for me personally, there have been races that I never saw myself dating, and then over time, having more contact people from those races, that idea of dating one became something I was open to naturally. Also, and specifically looking at white males, I now for me personally this has been area where I've been able in part to allow forgiveness. Even just entertaining the thought of dating someone opened me up to the idea of moving beyond race and slavery. Yes, it is important to know our history, but the past is not supposed to immobilize us in the present. So be kind to yourself. You will be attracted to who you are attracted and the rest doesn't matter.

 

[cocoberry10]

There always seems to be this mentality that there isn't enough men, there is more that enough men in world, there are plenty, the statistics are only used as a guide line and you cannot base your life on statistics. You only need to one man. You need to sit down with the creator and have a honest conversation about the man you want, and what you are bringing to the relationship, there are many of choices. One thing with God, knowing how we are, he has giving up a choice of what race, colour, nationality of men are available. He don't care what colour, nationality or race you have as a husband, but we have to be honest with ourselves and the problem with many people, they live behind masks, they lie to themselves and everyone around them. 'To thy oneself by true'. Slavery happened there is nothing we can do about it, but we have to go on with our lives and ask, believe and receive and in the mean time, work on ourselves also and be better persons.

I completely agree with your entire post! and

 

[cocoberry10]

Mr. Right is the right person for YOU, not the whole population of black females (or their opinion of Mr. Right).

and

 

[cocoberry10]

I also agree with this. However, I really think that Black women can only date Black men and still find a good Black man (and I have dated a few non-Black guys). Here's why ladies. As Valerie said so well, "you only need one man." I say, if you absolutely are ONLY willing to date Black guys, it may be WISE (not necessary, just wise) to open yourself up to a greater variety of Black men. And only you can decide what this variety will be. Maybe you can be willing to date Black men from a wider age category (i.e. a few years younger and maybe a little older than you would "like"). Maybe you could open yourself to dating Black men of many nationalities (i.e. not just Black American but Caribbean, South American, African, Black European, etc.). I could go on and on, but you get the point. Be open in some way, b/c often the more open you are, the more likely you will attract EXACTLY what you want!

Whenever this issue comes up, I say this...

You have choices. If you choose to date only black men, then cool, but don't get mad or complain later if you find yourself single or dateless longer than expected because YOU made the choice to only date men of one race for whatever reason.

And then, ask yourself if the reason has to do with how YOU really feel or how you're conditioned to feel... like this rape and slavery stuff... would you feel this way if someone hadn't told you about this? I never thought about the rape/slavery connecting with dating white men until someone told me about it when I was about 16 or 17...

I'm just saying... is how you feel based on actual experience or what you THINK might happen or hearsay? And if so, why are you letting outside factors determine YOUR life and affect YOUR potential happiness?

(By the way, the word YOU is being used in a general sense.)