Successful "Unequally yoked" relationships

Rocky91

Rocky91

NYE side boob.
Well, tell me about them.
What works/worked, what didn't. What about child-rearing, holidays, etc.

For myself, my current SO is an atheist and i was raised SDA. But even 2 people with different viewpoints on the same faith could.be considered unequally yoked.

I am interested in all of your responses. I know i don't post in this section much, but this has been on my mind lately.
:)

Sent from my phone-typos to be expected :)
 
this thread is right on time. I am very curious about this as well. I have cried for days over this (long story) and a positive story would uplift my spirits. I'll take anything though - the good and the bad.
 
Honestly, in the long run it depends on how serious each of you is about your faith (or lack of faith). I've faced this issue multiple times and each time it hasn't worked. From an athiest to someone who believed in God but wasn't a self-identifying Christian, eventually those beliefs leaked into other parts of our relationship. Also, I knew that at the end of the day I wouldn't be able to marry them.
 
Fine 4s said:
Maybe you can get some answers from the Converting for your man thread as well...
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yeah I saw that. in my situation, I am not expected to convert (and will not) and if we get married and have children - they will be raised Christian and he is ok with this. I just would like us to grow spiritually closer and I do not see how this is possible since we believe different things. he is very open to learning new things as long as it will make us a better couple and better people. I'm thinking if we start learning more about Jesus together (and in a non threatening environment), we could grow closer together. part of me is hoping that he will also believe with me but there is no guarantee of this. I am not sure if I am setting both of us up for disappointment. We have this conversation on Friday.

from dealing with this to family drama to my own things going on - December has been proven to be hellish.
 
LaBelleLL said:
yeah I saw that. in my situation, I am not expected to convert (and will not) and if we get married and have children - they will be raised Christian and he is ok with this. I just would like us to grow spiritually closer and I do not see how this is possible since we believe different things. he is very open to learning new things as long as it will make us a better couple and better people. I'm thinking if we start learning more about Jesus together (and in a non threatening environment), we could grow closer together. part of me is hoping that he will also believe with me but there is no guarantee of this. I am not sure if I am setting both of us up for disappointment. We have this conversation on Friday.

from dealing with this to family drama to my own things going on - December has been proven to be hellish.
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I am so sorry to hear that your month hasn't been great, and I pray that you find some sort of peace soon. :hugs:
If I may ask, what faith is your SO?

Should this be moved to the Christian forum? Do you think there would be more responses? I figured not at first because I know the devout SDA Christians in my family would find the title downright blasphemous. Plus, I want all perspectives, not just Christian/non Christian.
Ok, guess I just answered my own question. :look:
 
Rocky91

Hi. I noticed you said u were raised SDA but are you still SDA?

All these others questions are rhetorial. Just food for thought. These are all the types of questions you may want to ask yourself & candidly discuss with him:

Would you agree to raise kids as SDAs?
Would you want him to come to church with you sometimes even though you?
Are you hoping/expecting him to eventually convert?
Are you expecting him to be supportive of your spirituality?

Have you critically looked at the reasons Why he doesnt believe in God?
Do you respect his beliefs? Does he respect yours?
Will you different viewspoints enhance your relationship or become a road block?
Do you all
have the same moral standards?

Good luck
 
I've recently gone through this and asked myself the same questions as above.

I thought that it could work but I really felt convicted the more I prayed about it. Not in a guilt way. I also had examples.

My uncle was raised Baptist and my aunt is Jehovah witness. THe kids are Jehovah witness. Now that the kids are older and my aunt spends a lot of time in her faith, she gets excited about it and my uncle says to her (literally) " I don't want to hear it". Can you deal with something like that?

I couldn't, so I left
 
I once knew a couple who were married with two kids. She was Jewish, he was Catholic. They seemed happy to me. I met the kids a few times, seems they were being raised with both traditions.

I've seen a few muslim/non-muslim marriages in which everything was cool, one person was more religious than the other. In the cases where one or both started to care more about religion than when they had married: :nono:
 
^^Thank you, ManeStreet, I really appreciate those. Definitely food for thought.
I will muse on them....
I don't know what to call myself right now. I believe in a biblical Sabbath and Jesus but I am what you might call flexible on most things.
I don't know if I would want to raise strict SDA kids, in the way I was raised. I'd ideally want to raise kids who are unafraid to seek out their own truths, but I do like the idea of church for kids as a social experience.
We do respect each other's beliefs. At this point, I would argue it is enhancing our relationship. I am being forced in a way I never was before to confront why I believe what I believe. However, I would say we spend maybe 5% of our time together actually discussing religion. I don't even know if that would change if I was with an SDA guy my age, because quite frankly, most of my young SDA peers who were raised in the church are not passionate about our faith.
We do have the same moral standards.
 
I had a serious relationship end from being unequally yoked because of religion & childhood differences. I was raised Christian & had those morals or values of forgiveness, treating others right, honesty, family values, etc... taught to me my whole life.

He wasnt taught any of those things. And with time, I saw who he really was. And when things got bad, I said "Lets pray together". And he said "Why?".

Finally, I fully understood that we had no foundation to support us.

Marriage, parenting & just plain ole life bring some situations that need prayer. And we couldnt pray together. I saw life through a positive lense & all he saw was negativity.

Our relationship had no way to survive the tests & trials of life.

He hated his father, mother & sister & had no standards in his life to show him that he shouldnt hate them but seek reconcilation with them. Thats a big deal.

He had no standards or direction for his life. He was such an angry, hateful, bitter person & eventually he turned all that on me & our relationship.

ALL this to say, you have to look at your family upbringing & your values & morals that were taught to you at that critical time of birth to 6 yrs old. And look at that for his life too. Was it similar? Does it line up? Because once you get married that 6 yr old is who you really marry.

Did you learn that world was a place built by Gods love & God gave you your family who loves you & will protect you?

Did he learn that the world is just here, theres no God to save him, his mom abuses daily, his dad left & by 6 yrs old did he feel he had no one to trust but himself & no one to love him?

Thats how my ex was raised & he never had prayer or religion to heal the hurts of his past. So he didnt understand what love truly was, how to accept it or give it.

I realized my Whole understanding of what love means & how I express it is based on the Bible.

He didn't.

Thats just my own personal situation.
 
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ManeStreet said:
I had a serious relationship end from being unequally yoked because of religion & childhood differences. I was raised Christian & had those morals or values of forgiveness, treating others right, honesty, family values, etc... taught to me my whole life.

He wasnt taught any of those things. And with time, I saw who he really was. And when things got bad, I said "Lets pray together". And he said "Why?".

Finally, I fully understood that we had no foundation to support us.

Marriage, parenting & just plain ole life bring some situations that need prayer. And we couldnt pray together. I saw life through a positive lense & all he saw was negativity.

Our relationship had no way to survive the tests & trials of life.

He hated his father, mother & sister & had no standards in his life to show him that he shouldnt hate them but seek reconcilation with them. Thats a big deal.

He had no standards or direction for his life. He was such an angry, hateful, bitter person & eventually he turned all that on me & our relationship.

ALL this to say, you have to look at your family upbringing & your values & morals that were taught to you at that critical time of birth to 6 yrs old. And look at that for his life too. Was it similar? Does it line up? Because once you get married that 6 yr old is who you really marry.

Did you learn that world was a place built by Gods love & God gave you your family who loves you & will protect you?

Did he learn that the world is just here, theres no God to save him, his mom abuses daily, his dad left & by 6 yrs old did he feel he had no one to trust but himself & no one to love him?

Thats how my ex was raised & he never had prayer or religion to heal the hurts of his past. So he didnt understand what love truly was, how to accept it or give it.

I realized my Whole understanding of what love means & how I express it is based on the Bible.

He didn't.

Thats just my own personal situation.
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sounds like my ex!!!

the bolded is DEEEP!:yep:
 
Rocky91 said:
I am so sorry to hear that your month hasn't been great, and I pray that you find some sort of peace soon. :hugs:
If I may ask, what faith is your SO?

Should this be moved to the Christian forum? Do you think there would be more responses? I figured not at first because I know the devout SDA Christians in my family would find the title downright blasphemous. Plus, I want all perspectives, not just Christian/non Christian.
Ok, guess I just answered my own question. :look:
Click to expand...

I have been praying and I am at peace in a way. We have talked about our differences a little bit but this weekend is when I will speak to him with a bit more clarity. This is due in large part because I have had more clarity. I have a better sense of what I want, what my spiritually looks like and how I expect the two of us to grow.

I had no idea this relationship would take off in such a positive direction and be as serious and just all around a benefit in my life otherwise. I've always wanted to work on my relationship with God but I have been putting it off. Now that he is in my life, this is something I would like us to do together hence why this is an emerging issue. If anything, this relationship is also encouraging me to be serious and reflective about my faith and God.

He is Jewish. More culturally Jewish if anything. He is not religious and not even reform really. His father is Catholic. I've spoken to him about prayer and said he wants to pray with me. He wants me to show him and is very open to this. He also believes in God but his God. We pray to different Gods. This is where I do not see how we could grow spiritually together if we pray to different Gods. My next step is to ask how he feels and if he is open to learning more about Jesus.

The credit I give him is that he is open to learning anything as long as it will make us better people and it will make us a strong couple. These were his words exactly. I also know his Jewish identity is important to him and right now, this doesn't include Jesus (obviously). I have seen some literature and information about Jews for Jesus. Apparently, they discuss the teachings of Jesus but it is catered to Jews and is in a non threatening environment. I think this would be a worthy place to start. We've already been to church together once and he just didn't understand the allegiance to Jesus. That might have been too much as a starting point.

I've been praying about it, reflecting on it and I just need to speak with him. Surprisingly, my mother, the Catholic parent (father is Baptist) is all for this relationship (both sets of parents are actually). She is also someone who was slated to be a nun but left the convent Bc she did not agree to some things. He treats me incredibly well, is marriage minded (more than me) and is just all around a very good catch. He also comes from a good family that is much less chaotic and messy than my own. Granted both of my parents are Christian, he grew up much more family oriented, emotionally stable and in an all around more positive envirnoment than I did. I just want us to be this way and even better and I feel like having God as a foundation will get us there and keep us there. However, he has this family dynamic already and they are interfaith. Even his extended family are interfaith and they are cohesive. This is where I am perplexed.
 
Rocky91 said:
Well, tell me about them.
What works/worked, what didn't. What about child-rearing, holidays, etc.

For myself, my current SO is an atheist and i was raised SDA. But even 2 people with different viewpoints on the same faith could.be considered unequally yoked.

I am interested in all of your responses. I know i don't post in this section much, but this has been on my mind lately.
:)

Sent from my phone-typos to be expected :)
Click to expand...

I'm raised SDA married to an atheist. However he was raised Jehovah's Witness. We are both at a specific place in our lives regarding religion, our view of it ect that seems to be a common ground. I am not a practicing sda and he is not a hard core atheist (as i am learning more about him i see this). We both realize that there are things out there that we truly have no knowledge of. Also he has morals and love and a forgiving loving spirit. Maybe the fruits of the spiritual standards he was raised with were left behind and instilled in him even though he chose to be an atheist.

I think the issue if being unequally yoked is more prominent when both people are hard core into their beliefs giving NO respect to their partner. And if their upbringing was traumatic.... Even worse.
 
I'm not in an interfaith relationship (I don't like the term 'unevenly yoked') but I am the product of one. My mom is Muslim and my dad is Christian. My mom is more devout than my dad, but the foundation of their relationship goes beyond religion so it's never been an issue in their marriage. Despite their differences they agree on core things and that's enough for them. They've raised my sisters and I with both traditions. I'm Catholic so I go to Mass but I've also been to mosque with my mom and she talks to me about Islam.

I can understand having an issue being involved with an Atheist though. I personally couldn't do it and my parents would hit the roof.
 
When I was dealing with this the most important thing I learned was respect for someone else's beliefs. I think it's easy for followers of Western religion to have a very focused view of spirituality, and not see the flaws in the way they and other followers practice. So in a sense, you need to be open-minded, because sometimes people have very good reasons for not following a specific religion, and you need to respect. To dismiss that only Serves to drive them further away.

That being said, I really think it's easier to be led astray than it is to be brought into the fold, so you should be cognizant of that as well.

I think it might be a good idea for you to read some theological works together, like CS Lewis and the Shack by William Young. Both authors addressed Christianity in unconventional ways.
 
ChasingBliss said:
I'm raised SDA married to an atheist. However he was raised Jehovah's Witness. We are both at a specific place in our lives regarding religion, our view of it ect that seems to be a common ground. I am not a practicing sda and he is not a hard core atheist (as i am learning more about him i see this). We both realize that there are things out there that we truly have no knowledge of. Also he has morals and love and a forgiving loving spirit. Maybe the fruits of the spiritual standards he was raised with were left behind and instilled in him even though he chose to be an atheist.

I think the issue if being unequally yoked is more prominent when both people are hard core into their beliefs giving NO respect to their partner. And if their upbringing was traumatic.... Even worse.
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Wow, I almost feel as though I could have written this post myself.:yep:
I am very interested in your family's reactions, ChasingBliss.
My family members have met him and they like him, but they keep insisting that no relationship that isn't based on common religious belief can work. I am always very respectful, but I don't completely agree.

ManeStreet, thank you for that insightful post! I am glad you were able to get out of what sounds to be a very unhealthy relationship. I appreciate those probing questions a whole lot.
 
Rocky91 said:
Wow, I almost feel as though I could have written this post myself.:yep:
I am very interested in your family's reactions, ChasingBliss.
My family members have met him and they like him, but they keep insisting that no relationship that isn't based on common religious belief can work. I am always very respectful, but I don't completely agree.

ManeStreet, thank you for that insightful post! I am glad you were able to get out of what sounds to be a very unhealthy relationship. I appreciate those probing questions a whole lot.
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Well one family member that would have been heartbroken by it but would love him the same was my grandmother. A hard core sda. My mom is not to happy about that part of it but she loves him the same and he loves her. She still asks us to come to church, and he has gone. They still have friendly debates on the existence of God and Jesus Christ. Another thing they they discuss is the validity of the bible, etc. . He respects her and she, him. He has a scientist's mentality and can be challenging to the most hardcore Christian because he does his homework, studies a variety of religions and really listens to people before bringing his logic.
 
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