successful relationships require....?

[LivingDol1]

... a mutual respect for each other. right? i mean, clearly i'm no expert on relationships... but in my experience, i feel like this is something that has been lacking. the few relationships i've had has started with physical attraction... putting someone on a pedestal... being enamoured with an idea of being together and sparks and all of that. they weren't "deep".

i've never been friends with any of the guys i dated, prior to dating them. a guy approaches me. he expresses interest in taking me out on dates, getting to know me... but they're infatuated from the get go. based on my failed experiences, i feel like friendship is mandatory for a long lasting relationship.

so i find myself hesitant to date because i assume that the men who approach me are interested in me for superficial reasons and will never appreciate me as a friend/partner in crime/respected individual... i'm just "the girlfriend".

does that make any sense? married/exclusively committed ladies of the board, can you offer any advice? am i overthinking things? or is there something i'm overlooking?

thanks.

 

[Britt]

I think this makes a lot of sense. You're basically saying that when you meet someone, the lust/attraction can be the driving force and consequently cloud your vision of viewing your mate as a friend first. I think it's somewhat natural when you just meet someone. The attraction is the initial factor and then you have a tendency to already have visions of you and dude together. It's kinda tricky, I think it's great to see your potential SO objectively and as a friend first, but naturally those romantic feelings will play a huge part at first.

 

[JustDoIt]

I think friendship, respect, honesty, communication and compromise are some important things. OP you hit the nail on the head with when you date someone who initially approaches you based on your looks you have to be a bit careful that your body doesn't take control. I think a long term relationship is made more in the head than in the body if you understand what I mean. A long term relationship is something, I believe, that you commit to in your mind after logically determining what that means to you as a couple, and then deciding if it makes sense to pursue. I know physical attraction is a big part as well but to me, you have to sit down and logically think about a person's background and their interests and a whole lot of other things before making a decision on if this is going to be a relationship. To me this is very difficult to do if you're not friends with someone and your relationship is based mainly on physical attraction.
I believe you have to know a person mentally before you "know" them physically because once you become intimate it complicates matters a whole lot. In my short life time, the marriages that I've seen succeed are based on friendship. Physical attraction is somewhat fickle.. but a friendship can last a lifetime.

 

[LivingDol1]

it sounds tricky... i think that when i'm dating someone, i do try to be objective and look at them as a person who's opinion i want to value and as a friend... but i don't think the guys i've dated see the same thing. i don't exactly want to have to force someone to look at me that way.

i think that's why i'm so bothered by little actions that men make. like a recent guy who kept texting me 99% of the time, and only called me once but it was after 10PM. quite honestly, i think someone who wants your attention will call to speak with you and connect that way. not text you at their convenience while they multi-task. or when guys start off so early with that lovey dovey crap.

i feel like men are lead by their balls. and maybe it's too late to build a relationship with someone. i have friends who have known or been with their boyfriend or husband for several years. they had been friends for a year or two prior to dating. i'm jealous of that connection. i'm not into insta-dating.

I think this makes a lot of sense. You're basically saying that when you meet someone, the lust/attraction can be the driving force and consequently cloud your vision of viewing your mate as a friend first. I think it's somewhat natural when you just meet someone. The attraction is the initial factor and then you have a tendency to already have visions of you and dude together. It's kinda tricky, I think it's great to see your potential SO objectively and as a friend first, but naturally those romantic feelings will play a huge part at first.

 

[LivingDol1]

after reading this i'm thinking more about how i should approach dating.... slowly!

I think friendship, respect, honesty, communication and compromise are some important things. OP you hit the nail on the head with when you date someone who initially approaches you based on your looks you have to be a bit careful that your body doesn't take control. I think a long term relationship is made more in the head than in the body if you understand what I mean. A long term relationship is something, I believe, that you commit to in your mind after logically determining what that means to you as a couple, and then deciding if it makes sense to pursue. I know physical attraction is a big part as well but to me, you have to sit down and logically think about a person's background and their interests and a whole lot of other things before making a decision on if this is going to be a relationship. To me this is very difficult to do if you're not friends with someone and your relationship is based mainly on physical attraction.
I believe you have to know a person mentally before you "know" them physically because once you become intimate it complicates matters a whole lot. In my short life time, the marriages that I've seen succeed are based on friendship. Physical attraction is somewhat fickle.. but a friendship can last a lifetime.

 

[8HoursFromHome]

*taking notes*

 

[Chocolatelove2010]

When I was younger physical attraction led me most. I'd be attracted to a guy, and that's it.... I thought ''I liked him.'' However, now I can differentiate the difference between finding somebody attractive, and actually liking them. I think that just comes with age and experience. Growing up you're led to believe (mainly from movies) those ''butterfly'' feelings mean you like the person. Whereas in reality, you're just horny.

Successful relationships are based on compatibility. Your minds and souls need to connect. That takes time. I strongly believe in friends, and THEN lovers. How can you be somebodys lover before being their friend. So backwards... I think that's why so many relationships fail. People date without being friends first, and months later find out they've been dating the person's representative (who they've pretended to be) and not the real person. Well... you coulda saved yourself the trouble, and just had a good feel of who they are by just being their friend first IMO.