Staying at Home a Christian Value?

[aribell]

Just wanted to get you all's thoughts about women being SAHMs, and whether this is a particularly Christian value that we should be embracing.

There's no reason to judge anyone's particular choice, we can just talk about it in general. (please, let's not go there)

If you have the means to stay at home with your children instead of putting them in daycare, is that the better thing to do? (i.e., single mothers wouldn't count.)

If you had your children in daycare, would you now do anything different? Do you think it makes (or made) a difference?

If you stayed at home, were you particularly convicted to do so?

Do you all think Proverbs 31 (or any other scripture) guides Christian families one way or the other on the issue?

 

[PaperClip]

It's been my understanding/idea that the head of the household/husband is to provide. So that the woman's income is OPTIONAL, not mandatory. It's optional so that she can be at home with the children. If a mother wants to work she should. If working makes that mom happy, have at it. She'll be a better mother versus if were miserable staying at home.

I'm not saying that a woman should not work... but her work should not interfere with or overshadow her maternal parental role. I think it is possible (but EXTREMELY difficult) for a woman to work full time (outside the home) and be a Proverbs 31 woman.

My mom stayed home with my brother and me and I think it was for the better. By the time we were school age, she was home when we went to school and she was home when we got home so any outside the home work she did she did around our schedules. My father was the main provider. When we got old enough, she did go to work and we were latchkey children.

Since I'll be having children in my 40s, these are different questions. My mom did not have a career until after we were of a certain age. I have a career and it's interesting to think of the choices I'll make regarding staying at home. It wouldn't be about the money it would be about how to balance/reconfigure my career because I do want to stay home with my children until they are of a certain age (at least full-day kindergarten) and then I want to get them off to school and pick them up from school so my career choices will have to adjust for that.

 

[discobiscuits]

My retired pastor used to say that in a marriage, working for a woman should be optional in his opinion. He did not offer any specific scriptures for that. Personally, I like that arrangement and it is the best case scenario but whatever works best for that family is what should go on in that household.


The Proverbs 31 woman works outside of the home (or at least buys vineyards a.k.a. owns a business v.16 & 24 could be a home-based business LOL) but she also has household help (v.15).

 

[aribell]

The Proverbs 31 woman works outside of the home (or at least buys vineyards a.k.a. owns a business v.16) but she also has household help (v.15).

The fact that she has household help is what most people seem to neglect!

 

[discobiscuits]

Yeah. ^^^ @ nicola.

I think that the best case scenario is for one parent to at least have a job during the school hours and be off when the children are out of school. Sadly, very few families can live this ideal. There used to be a time when both parents were home at a decent hour and could be there as a family unit. It is not like that anymore. Plus these days, the children have busier schedules than the parents w/ all the extracurricular activities. It is difficult to have the ideal family format these days.


I think Prov. 31 deals more with character traits men should look for in the women he is considering marrying, not necessarily a stay at home mother.

This kind of sums up those traits.

http://www.evangelicaloutpost.com/archives/2008/06/dont-marry-a-pr.html
The last chapter of Proverbs describes and praises the "noble wife" and outlines the traits that make her a role model. The woman described is characterized primarily by her actions. Within the 21 verses a number of action verbs are used in describing what she does: arises (gets up), brings, considers, extends, holds, grasps, makes, opens, (over)sees, trades, plants, provides, portions, selects, supplies, speaks, and works.

Each of these 21 verses also describes a particular virtue or quality that the noble wife possesses. The Proverbs 31 woman is charitable, entrepreneurial, fashionable, financially astute, healthy, industrious, loving, managerial, productive, prudent, resourceful, responsible, reverent, self-confident, skilled, trustworthy, virtuous, wise, praiseworthy as a wife and mother, and married to a respectable husband.

 

[PaperClip]

Proverbs 31:15: She rises while it is yet night and gets [spiritual] food for her household and assigns her maids their tasks. (Amplified)

Household help.... that's open to interpretation. Did she have in-house help or day help? And who? Professionals or specific ones she chose to mentor?

I ask these questions because I could have been considered "household help" to my pastor's wife. But I was not a live-in nanny or housekeeper. I tutored the children and did assist with childcare on occasion. I also did administrative work for my pastor's wife. I was her first "official" assistant/secretary. When I first met my pastor's family years ago, they had neither. But then when they eventually needed nanny help, it was usually a young girl from the church who spent a few years in their home and then eventually got married. That happened at least once.

So maybe the question is this: which came first: the maids or her NEED FOR MAIDS based on all the work she was doing to effectively manage her household?

 

[PaperClip]

I meant to add in my initial post that even in this economy, it is possible to make choices to live at/below one's means to be a stay at home parent (excluding single parenting). I've been listening Dave Ramsey on a regular basis and he incorporates a lot of Christian principles into his financial guidance. I believe my parents made certain choices as well for my mom to be a stay-at-home mom for as long as she did. My parents didn't buy more house than they needed at the time. And when we did move into a bigger house, they had a substantial down payment and made other choices/sacrifices for the family.

Maybe cable TV should be a luxury and not a necessity.

My mom is still driving the same car she drove a decade ago.

And so on and so forth....

 

[aribell]

^^^I think that it is definitely possible for many people to make the financial sacrifice to stay at home. But I also know that a lot of women aren't necessarily interested in doing so. Or rather, they feel a tension between motherhood and their careers and don't want to leave their careers for the years it would take to get them past babysitter age.

I think about women who want to be medical doctors, surgeons, etc. in fields that simply require a lot of hours put in, or at least that you don't take years off from the field.

There are women like Michelle Obama who have been vocal about the tension between career and motherhood, but it's also clear that both she and Barack Obama are deeply present to and involved in their children's lives, and it seems lovely. But I know lots of Christians who believe that you are still doing your children a disservice if you're not there with them 100% of the time, even if you are otherwise engaged in their lives.

People should do what is best for their children and not just what they want to do. But maybe what's best for the children is the question.

 

[discobiscuits]

People should do what is best for their children and not just what they want to do. But maybe what's best for the children is the question.

There you have it.

IMO: What is best for the children (based on the OP "having the means" and assuming a one man - one woman marriage) is both parents present in the lives of their children hopefully to the point that one parent is there when the children come home from school and the other home early enough for the entire family to eat together in the home and/or take the children to and from their after school activities.


WRT the P31W having help at home, the bottom line is she has home help. The status of that help (live-in, hired, what-have-you) is secondary because the implication is she has additional hired (or slave) hands to delegate duties to so that she can be freed up to do other things whatever those things may be. Your personal example of helping your pastor's wife is an example of that delegation of duties to free her up for other things even if it is part-time help.

v15: I think maid(en) means female servant (sometimes a young girl) not maid as in cleaning person.

 

[PaperClip]

There you have it.

IMO: What is best for the children (based on the OP "having the means" and assuming a one man - one woman marriage) is both parents present in the lives of their children hopefully to the point that one parent is there when the children come home from school and the other home early enough for the entire family to eat together in the home and/or take the children to and from their after school activities.


WRT the P31W having help at home, the bottom line is she has home help. The status of that help (live-in, hired, what-have-you) is secondary because the implication is she has additional hired (or slave) hands to delegate duties to so that she can be freed up to do other things whatever those things may be. Your personal example of helping your pastor's wife is an example of that delegation of duties to free her up for other things even if it is part-time help.

v15: I think maid(en) means female servant (sometimes a young girl) not maid as in cleaning person.

Yes good point re. the "maid" reference. That's what I meant.

I do want to reiterate the point about household help, specifically that maybe she didn't start out with household help but because of her diligence to her tasks and responsibilities that when it became necessary, maybe her husband (or her, with her husband's agreement) she was able to bring in help. Which is why I asked this question:

So maybe the question is this: which came first: the maids or her NEED for maids/female servants based on all the work she was doing to effectively manage her household?

 

[discobiscuits]

Well, based on the way it reads, I think we can safely agree that the need arose as a result of her productivity. Yes, we can! (agree) LOL

 

[PaperClip]

Well, based on the way it reads, I think we can safely agree that the need arose as a result of her productivity. Yes, we can! (agree) LOL

Yes... and I think that's an important point because it shows that the Proverbs 31 woman is an evolution... not a destination, if you will.... and the more that a wife/woman/mother is on her job and being productive and properly focused, the way will be made for her because of her trust in the Lord. It's accessible to any woman who submits herself unto the Lord.

 

[discobiscuits]

I hear you.

As it relates to the OP, IMO, the P31W is not a SAHM because of her outside businesses or enterprises.

If she is a SAHM, she has additional help to delegate duties to so that she is free tend to all of her responsibilities (family and business). Her productivity may have necessitated the help, but she has it none the less and that help is either living in the home or home helpers because when she rises, she feeds that help.

I picture it more like God has made a way for her to be productive. He made it so that she (and her husband) are financially solvent so they can also afford the additional cost of help (hired or slave).

Either way, she has extra help and that help enables her to continue what she does whether that help came before, during or after her hectic schedule. So if she is a SHAM, she can do it because her maidens do other things to enable her, if she is not a SAHM, her maidens are there to help with the children (depending on the age of the children) and household when she is not there.

I think I'm repeating myself. Time for bed.

 

[momi]

If you have the means to stay at home with your children instead of putting them in daycare, is that the better thing to do? (i.e., single mothers wouldn't count.) Absolutely. During the developmental years our children are forming habits, thoughts, and ideals about life and developing a world-view. I want to be the one to give them that view.

If you had your children in daycare, would you now do anything different? Do you think it makes (or made) a difference? My children were in daycare off and on when I was working and were never there "full-time" so to speak. If I had something to do I would take them, and when my daughter was really little I would take her for half-days. The bottom line is, no one is going to take care of your children like you do. The exception for me is a grandmother or auntie that you know share the same values...

If you stayed at home, were you particularly convicted to do so?
When I am working outside the home, everyone is stressed out. Everything is "rush rush": come home, cook dinner, see about homework, tired tired tired - sex? maybe, maybe not, probably not too tired... gotta get up early. When I am home everything is prepared, DH is happy and WELL taken care of, meals are healthier, momi is always available.. You forgot your gym clothes baby? Hold on, momi is on the way... Field trip today? Oh I didn't remember, let me run my errands and I'll be there at 11AM... Hey baby? Hungry, I will bring you lunch - better yet come on home for lunch. I could go on...

Do you all think Proverbs 31 (or any other scripture) guides Christian families one way or the other on the issue?

Absolutely.

If you have the means to stay at home with your children instead of putting them in daycare, is that the better thing to do? (i.e., single mothers wouldn't count.) Yes, or some reasonable combination of the two.

I could go on... this is a topic near and dear to my heart.

I would also like to add... when a husband knows that he can depend on your income it can stiffle his productivity. Research shows that men who are the primary breadwinners for their homes make an average of $1K more a month.

 

[PaperClip]

when a husband knows that he can depend on your income it can stiffle his productivity. Research shows that men who are the primary breadwinners for their homes make an average of $1K more a month.

Tell that!

 

[GV-NA-GI-TLV-GE-I]

The fact that she has household help is what most people seem to neglect!

Thank you! And this is not just one nanny, but Middle-eastern type help. Grandmothers, mothers-in-law, maids, gardeners, cooks, servants, employees to run her business. When some family came here, all of a sudden, their husbands were complaining about the wives being tired, unhappy and not being able to keep up. Dude, where is all that help she had at home!!!??? I think that men just wanna pimp women today, religious and non-religious.

 

[aribell]

Thank you! And this is not just one nanny, but Middle-eastern type help. Grandmothers, mothers-in-law, maids, gardeners, cooks, servants, employees to run her business. When some family came here, all of a sudden, their husbands were complaining about the wives being tired, unhappy and not being able to keep up. Dude, where is all that help she had at home!!!??? I think that men just wanna pimp women today, religious and non-religious.

I think it's so interesting that most (mainly white) evangelical Christians believe that the nuclear family (one working man, wife at home, kids, etc.) represents that "traditional Christian" way of doing things, and it really is a relatively new ideal. Servants were so common in human history for millenia, an extended family system, etc.

I think our family structure makes things unneccessarily difficult. My mother raised us as a single woman, but even when my parents were married, my grandmother took care of us most of the time, as well as nice elderly women across the street. I honestly think this is a great set-up. At the end of the day, it seems like family is family, and as long as there is a loving adult who is personally invested in the well-being of the child, it should be a good experience. I'm personally somewhat opposed to 8hr/day institutional daycare for my future children, but if there were a strong network of extended family, family friends, even close and trustworthy nannies, I wouldn't have a problem having them help care for my children.

In fact, it would be the preferred thing for me, even to staying at home full time.