Spinoff: When he feels inadequate compared to you

[Glib Gurl]

(A spinoff ofthis thread.)

So, I finally spoke to Mr. Text on the phone. (Yes, this guy. In case you're wondering, I called him, left a message and he called right back.) We spoke for over an hour. During the course of the conversation we did the usual, "where are you from? where did you go to school?" thing and although we have similar educational backgrounds (both went to college and law school) my credentials are superior to his. I really didn't put it out there like, "Yeah, yeah - I'm an Ivy Leaguer, BAY-BEE!" But when he asked where I went to school I told him. He then spent about 45 minutes talking to me about his schooling . . . like he was getting deep into how many credit hours he took and experiences with different professors.

First reaction -


Second reaction -

Third reaction -

I worked hard to steer the conversation to other things: what do you like to do for fun? what kind of music do you listen to?

But he kept going back to school, academics, career, etc., etc.

I'm definitley going to give him a chance because he is a very nice guy (and hey, he's a lawyer ). But man, I'm kind of sad that he seemed really caught up on "pedigree" and felt the need to prove himself.

*sigh*

What do y'all do when faced with this type of situation - where a man feels inadequate to you (for whatever reason).

 

[Syrah]

Buyer beware. I wouldn't say tell him to kick rocks, but I'd definitely be on the lookout for other "inadequate" behaviors.

I think one of the worst things you can do in a relationship is compete...and it already sounds like he feels the need to do so...and ya'll are still on the phone!

A man's pride and ego is actually one of the few things that I don't negotiate on. He's got to have a firm foundation - and people around him (especially people he doesn't know) shouldn't be able to chip away at that so easily. It'd be different if he reacted like "wow, tell me about your experience. Did it live up to the reputation? Do you think it was worth it? How'd you like it etc..."

But the need to play the "I'm on your level" game??

No thanks.

 

[Carrie A]

I don't know, but I must say I'm liking all of this guy juggling you've been doing lately Glib Girl.

 

[kandake]

Hopefully it was just a fleeting sense of insecurity. That happens sometimes and before you know it you're trying to prove something to somebody when it's not necessary. Hopefully, he thought about his actions and he's over it.

If not, then it may not work. That type of insecurity doesn't play out well in relationships. Especially when its the man.

I met a guy who was laid off from his job. I think he worked in finance. At any rate, he was working some part-time retail job when I met him. (found this out during the initial conversations. Anyway, he would always talk about what he "used" to do and what his degree was in, etc. Nothing ever came of that. But, ironically enough I was in Forever 21 last month and that's where he was working. I guess times are hard. Sorry for digressing.

 

[Glib Gurl]

I don't know, but I must say I'm liking all of this guy juggling you've been doing lately Glib Girl.

Me, too! *lol*

 

[gabulldawg]

Usually when I've had this issue, for whatever reason, it helps to verbalize the fact that it doesn't bother you (IF that is true). When I first started dating my DH he would make a lot of comments and jokes about his height. Eventually I told him that his height did not bother me at all, and after that he never made it an issue again.

 

[hopeful]

ITA with Gabulldawg. I would also like to add that you never want to be in the position where you feel the need to downplay your success. Some people are very insecure about stuff like that. Keep an eye on him Glib. If you start to notice he is acting insecure or is competing with you vs. proud of you (and himself), then be very careful. A man like that can chip away at you bit by bit.

 

[SqrpioQutie]

the last time it happened, i dealt with it as long as i could and then i cut ties.... depending on how deep in his insecurities he is, there may be no "right" amount of reassurance you can give.... in my case, i just sent him fall back into his world where he was the "dude with the rims" and let him go pick up some chicks that are impressed with that....

 

[Ms Red]

And @Glib_Gurl .... Where r u finding these menz?

 

[hopeful]

Any updates? How are things going with this guy?

 

[hzlcreativity]

Usually when I've had this issue, for whatever reason, it helps to verbalize the fact that it doesn't bother you (IF that is true). When I first started dating my DH he would make a lot of comments and jokes about his height. Eventually I told him that his height did not bother me at all, and after that he never made it an issue again.

I totally agree. A guy is measured by different standards. And it could be his own fleeting moment of insecurities, or, another convo which had nothing to do with you (that say, he had at the barbershop...smh). If it doesn't bother you and you state that, and he keeps bringing it up...

#chuck2nbounce

You can't force that type of personal development... lol

 

[Glib Gurl]

And @Glib_Gurl .... Where r u finding these menz?

Well, when I was wearing pheromones, two of them approached ME. The rest are from online dating.

Any updates? How are things going with this guy?

We are still just texting (although we did have that long phone call I mentioned in the OP) He said he doesn't have to work this weekend so I'm hoping that he will ask me out . . . is there any way to hint about asking for a date?

 

[Almaz]

RUN LIKE HELL RUN LIKE HELL RUN LIKE HELL it will never work now if it were the other way around maybe yes but when men feel less than the woman it never works cause all his insecurities will be put on you and you dont need that type of abuse

 

[vevster]

I had a similar situation where I had just come back from China and the guy had need to one up me saying he once went to Singapore or some ISH.

Gimme a break. BORING!!

 

[hopeful]

Well, when I was wearing pheromones, two of them approached ME. The rest are from online dating.



We are still just texting (although we did have that long phone call I mentioned in the OP) He said he doesn't have to work this weekend so I'm hoping that he will ask me out . . . is there any way to hint about asking for a date?

I wouldn't hint. Wouldn't you rather he ask you out on his own vs. being helped? And won't you feel more like he really liked you and was interested then? He's a big boy. Even with my dh I have to force myself to fall back and wait for him to do things I want him to do. It's hard though.

 

[Solitude]

Most men do not feel as inadequate as we think they do. They have big egos (I just graduated from law school & so far I've never met an attorney who isn't impressed with him/herself). Maybe you're just not impressed with his credentials...???

If a man's conversation bores you, that's not a good sign, but don't drop him right off based on perceived insecurities, especially when he has the same education level, and therefore, really has no reason to feel inferior. If he was flippin' burgers, then I could see a problem...

I personally find it really interesting when I meet someone who went to an Ivy because it's rare (in the South), so I may be impressed, but not intimidated...

 

[YasashiiSekai]

I found out recently my boyfriend tried to make me jealous of him on purpose just because he feels inadequate. He didn't do anything major (like cheat) but that hurt. It really does take a toll on your relationship because when someone feels that way, it takes away from what the relationship is supposed to be about. I forgave him and told him that he has nothing to worry about. Hes been good since, but if it ever happens again I'm gone for good.

 

[Glib Gurl]

I wouldn't hint. Wouldn't you rather he ask you out on his own vs. being helped? And won't you feel more like he really liked you and was interested then? He's a big boy. Even with my dh I have to force myself to fall back and wait for him to do things I want him to do. It's hard though.

No, you absolutely right. He has sort of fallen off so I guess that's another one that bites the dust.