Spinoff: What do you consider a FRIEND???

[Ms_Twana]

Okay, this is a spinoff to my post about my situation with my friend. This situation has made me begin to reevaluate my relationships with all of my "friends." At this point, it's kind of hard for me to differenciate between Associate, Home Girl, and Friend.

It was easy when I was in high school and college. My "friends" were the girls I hung out with all the time. You always saw us together. I called them and told them everything that was going on with me. They did the same. Those that I kicked it with occasionally, but wouldn't tell my business, were my Home Girls. And those that I just spoke to about school work or something specific were my Associates.

Well, now that I'm an ADULT, and I have adult things to do (work, take care of my family) it's not so easy for me to tell. Does that make sense?? I met all of my "friends" in college (with the exception of one of my best friends whose been my best friend since middle school). So only two of my "friends" still live in my area. The rest are spread across the country. So, I don't kick it with them anymore. Hell, I barely even talk to them on the phone now. So does that mean they are now my Home Girls??? I have questioned whether or not I was still friends with someone because I never talk to them anymore. I did mature enough to realize that you can still have friends that you don't talk to very often. LOL!!! And the ladies that I DO talk to on a regular basis are usually my "Work Home Girls," and we are more than likely talking about work stuff. And 9 times out of 10, if I changed jobs, I stop talking to them.

At one point I thought that my "friends" are the ladies that I'd do anything (within reason) for. But, I would do that for my Home Girls too. If they needed something that I had to spare, I would give it to them. So is it years, is it trust, what determines whose a Friend and whose a Home Girl??

What are you ladies using to determine a Friend from an Associate and a Home Girl?? And what are your different "Categories?" Because I know a lot of us do have the "Categories." LOL!!

 

[Mena]

I think everyone is an associate these days. Don't trust anyone.

 

[Ms_Twana]

I think everyone is an associate these days. Don't trust anyone.

Aww. That's not good!! You don't trust ANYONE??? Well, I guess that would have prevented me from having my feelings hurt by my so called "friend" here recently.

 

[itismehmmkay]

Makes perfect sense It's all in the transition. You're learning what your boundaries are with certain people and you'll be able to make good judgement calls upon meeting people.

Associates
Most people fit here. You usually engage in small talk with these people and the substance is limited. For instance, with work associates, you mainly just talk about work and the environment and keep it there. Anything too outside of the category you've put them in seems awkward.

Homegirls
People you hang out with. You're comfortable talking to them about light-hearted topics that are pleasant and fun. For the most part things are strictly for social purposes.

Friends
People who you can trust to tell deeper tales about yourself. Fewer people fall in this category than you think.


I used to find the hardest distinction to be between Homegirls and Friends. Sometimes you'll try and go deeper with a Homegirl when really the relationship should stay shallow and social.

HTH

 

[Mena]

ok based on this I have a lot of homegirls and associates and no friends

 

[itismehmmkay]

^^^ Same here.

 

[Ms_Twana]

Makes perfect sense It's all in the transition. You're learning what your boundaries are with certain people and you'll be able to make good judgement calls upon meeting people.

Associates
Most people fit here. You usually engage in small talk with these people and the substance is limited. For instance, with work associates, you mainly just talk about work and the environment and keep it there. Anything too outside of the category you've put them in seems awkward.

Homegirls
People you hang out with. You're comfortable talking to them about light-hearted topics that are pleasant and fun. For the most part things are strictly for social purposes.

Friends
People who you can trust to tell deeper tales about yourself. Fewer people fall in this category than you think.


I used to find the hardest distinction to be between Homegirls and Friends. Sometimes you'll try and go deeper with a Homegirl when really the relationship should stay shallow and social.

HTH

Makes perfect sense. That's kind of what I was thinking. But for some reason I was considering some of my Home Girls as Friends, and my Friends as Close Friends. But in actuality, they should have just been Home Girls and Friends. So what about Friends and Close Friends. Is there a difference??

 

[itismehmmkay]

A Close Friend you'd trust with your live. So about 0-1 in a lifetime.


ETA:

Most of the time a person's category is shifted further up than we think.
Just because you chill on the phone for hours, go shopping every week or to the movies, she's probably still just a Homegirl not a Friend so be careful of how much you disclose still.

And there are some folks that you really don't talk to much, ya'll just go out to clubs or something together; they're probably really just Associates

 

[kurlybella]

great post. i completely understand where you are coming from. i've always been able to count my friends on three fingers.

 

[caribeandiva]

Interesting thread! I totally agree with the definitions. Apparently I have mostly associates and home girls. I don't really have friends.

 

[AnjelLuvs]

Yes, there is a distinciton..... I had this girl I used to consider a friend.... Shared deep secrets with etc, etc.... But as soon as there was a tiff, she would through my hardships in face.... erplexed...

Forever in competition... Like who is gonna look HAWTER.. I am thinking why it gotta be like that why cant WE STUNT together...

Yea she is no longer a friend, and swore I stopped talking to her becuase I was jealous over a man..... WTF, definitely not a friend becaus eI dont get down like that

 

[Blossoming^]

Yes, there is a distinciton..... I had this girl I used to consider a friend.... Shared deep secrets with etc, etc.... But as soon as there was a tiff, she would through my hardships in face.... erplexed...

Forever in competition... Like who is gonna look HAWTER.. I am thinking why it gotta be like that why cant WE STUNT together...

Yea she is no longer a friend, and swore I stopped talking to her becuase I was jealous over a man..... WTF, definitely not a friend becaus eI dont get down like that

Sounds like we knew the same person, now that i'm older I can't stand people like that^^^. I definitely have only one dear friend and I truly appreciate our friendship and even with her I don't share all things. A few associates that I don't dare scratch the surface about anything worth talking about with.

 

[itismehmmkay]

Yes, there is a distinciton..... I had this girl I used to consider a friend.... Shared deep secrets with etc, etc.... But as soon as there was a tiff, she would through my hardships in face.... erplexed...

Forever in competition... Like who is gonna look HAWTER.. I am thinking why it gotta be like that why cant WE STUNT together...

Yea she is no longer a friend, and swore I stopped talking to her becuase I was jealous over a man..... WTF, definitely not a friend becaus eI dont get down like that

Okay!?!!
Ugh, I can't stand that either

 

[Duchesse]

I realize that at 26, I'm not making anymore friends at all!

I have two friends that I've known since I was 8. One, I'm not as close to anymore in terms of speaking and hanging out, but she will always be my friend for life and we've shared so many experiences. These are my rock hard, solid, closer than sister friends.

I've made a few homegirls in highschool and college. But they will stay in homegirl status because I don't fully trust any of them with my "hypothetical" man lol, can be undercurrents of jealous feelings, don't fully get me nor can I be my full self around them. Some are my sisters friends and we all go out together, lounges, events, etc., but it's not a deep relationship.

I don't really have many associates, I'm not that outwardly social.

Numerically, I have mainly homegirls.

 

[Cloud06]

A friend is someone who adds to your life instead of taking away for you.

 

[amara11]

Well, in the case of that thread about cheating......

-A friend would tell you if she knew your husband was cheating POINT-FREAKING-BLANK-PERIOD. You need to rethink your definition of friendship if you don't get that.
-An associate would look the other way and 'stay out of your business' b/c "she don't want no problems" or its "just a stick situation".
-An acquaintance would either:
1) not even know your husband was cheating, (cuz she barely know u or him)
2) knew he was cheating b/c it was with one of her friends, or
3) was cheating with him herself.


There's another category though (not relating to infidelity)
I know a couple of people that call themselves my friend (though, I don't think of them as friends) they're more like frienemies.

Frienemies are people who want to be associated with you, because they'd rather be down, than be left out of the loop (even if they're threatened by or jealous of you). They wanna know what you have, how much you got, where you got it, etc. They throw sly degrading remarks at you (in jest, or cuz they think you didn't catch it) b/c they really want to see if they can tear u down. They love to hear when you have bad news, or when something bad happens to you, they play the "I'm here for you, count on me" game but try and share some positives or some good news on how everything is going right, and they suddenly have short attention spans and busy schedules. They have an underlying sense of competition with you, even if you don't even realize there was a race.

I know the frienemy quite well because I have a couple. I do not in the least bit consider them friends and I wouldn't trust them with a single fallen hair off my head, but they've latched onto me . And I won't be rude to you, I'll smile and laugh at your jokes, but I won't come to you for anything, and I won't trust you with my garbage.

Same goes for friends that get demoted to associates. If you don't even know that you did something dirty enough for me to no longer consider you a friend, then oh well. I won't be making a 'we are no longer friends' phone call. I'll just keep on moving along like nothing changed (except your status in my life). Again, still nice, I'll still smile, carry on small talk. But our associations go no deeper than that. And if you did something really shady, I'll just be done talking to you altogether. No explanations, no nothing.

That said, I am beyond blessed to have 4 people that I consider friends who truly have my back, and I have theirs. I know each of them in differently ways, and met them each in different parts of my life, (2 in different parts of the country) and it feels good to know I have them .

Many, many homegirls and associates, many. It's good to have these too especially when you just need to enjoy the company of like minded people and have good light-hearted fun. Nothing deep here. Expectations are low, little is given, little expected.

 

[juju]

A close friend's is someone u will trust with ur life,u are not ashamed to be urself in front of her,no wearing mask pretending to be who u re not.
U can call her up even if just to say something stupid en u will both laugh about it
She is there for u and u re there for her ,and u don't feel bad doing things for her.

But true real friends are hard to find.

 

[Ms_Twana]

A friend is someone who adds to your life instead of taking away for you.

Very GOOD definition. Wow. That makes me rethink MOST of my "friendships." Hmmmmm..................

 

[Ms_Twana]

Sorry. Double post