SPINOFF: Step-Moms...

[p31woman]

This a spinoff to the thread about Baby Mama DRAMA... http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showthread.php?t=158867

If you are a Step Mom or are engaged to married to a Man and his child/children.....

How did you cope with being a step-mother?

How long have you been a step-mother?

What was your experience like with the child and his/her mother?

Any advice to ladies who may become step-mom's one day?

 

[glam-]

Good topic- I hope someone chimes in on this. This is something I am curious about/ need to know about as well....

 

[Armyqt]

It's HARD as hell. Especially if the mother resents the dad's new relationship. This put a strain on my marriage very early on. Needless to say, I never had the opportunity to cultivate a relationship with my stepson. It hurt me like hell for a while because I wanted us all to be a family. Now I just don't give a shyt anymore. nono:

 

[cutiebe2]

I had a "step-mother"...my mom wouldn't allow me to refer to her a my stepmother because where she grew up that implys your mother is dead or not around
Anywayzs...my fathers wife was horrible. Add to the fact that my dad is horrible. My mother didn't care two hoots about this new chick UNTIL she did things that were not okay

1. She was not the responsible one in the relationship- my father did not tell me he got married until two months after. He told me over the phone. My mother found out earlier that day in count for Child support As a woman she should of been the one to advise him NOT do to that. I guess she was no better than he was which was a disappointment

2. she tried to meddle in the relationship of me and my father-- having only known me for max 1 year, she knew noting about the relationship between my father and I (I was 11 at the time) and tried to tell me what to do. I tried telling her over and over that she did not know what type of father he is...but she would not listen

that was my bad experience with a stepmother..I saw her recently and barely acknowledged her
Stepmothers should me people who know how to look out for ALL parties involved..not just them and their partners

 

[Miss_Jetsetter]

I've been with my guy for quite some time now and I ADORE his son! Love him to DEATH (he is 9 and i've been around since he was 3)

I honestly cannot wait for all of us to become a family. I don't have any children of my own but even if I did, I would never treat my stepchild any differently. I think that it's so sheisty when I hear of grown folks behaving like that. i mean it's like, damn, that's you guy's effin BLOOD for crying out loud! My kids, as well as his child would all be apart of him. I truly believe in the strength of family, irrespective of who the 'biological' parent may be.

As for his son's mother, I've never laid eyes on her the 6 years that my boyfriend and I have been together. I'm cool with that. I'm sure if fate has it that I wind up getting married soon ,she and I will eventually cross paths and I'm also cool with that. It takes alot to ruffle my feathers and I highly doubt that I would ever go through any baby momma drama because I'm way too fly to ever let another chick think that I'm entertaining her simple ass with the BS. Just not my style.

 

[tinkat]

Not a stepmother but if I was one I would try to be a understanding one bc my own stepmother acted like a ******.


My parents divorced when I was 9 yrs old.

My stepmother had no reason to be, i just think that she was insecure for whatever reasons. My mother was not a confrontational person, hell my parents did not really speak to eachother from what I understood. I became the messenger as I got older. SM was just a real jealous person. My daddy had to sit me down at age 12 and apologized for not being around for the last 2 years...from age 10-12 years old. I use to always visit my dad's family and spend time with him over the summer and holidays...but it stopped around that time. I really was not affected by it at the time bc I was having fun with becoming a "preteen" i guess. But after he mentioned it I realized that he was not around as much. And then I noticed that whenever I visited his house they would argue about ME. They would argue bc he felt that she was treating me different from her daughter, which was true. It was not right bc he treated us equally and that is not his biological daughter. As I got older, he said that he felt guilty bc he felt like he treated my stepsister better than he did me and I was his biological child.


This women was a jealous person. When my mother and father was married, my mother previously had a child (my dear older sister) that he took as his own. That is one thing that I respect about my parents. Although they are not together, they welcome other children from their current spouses with open arms. Anyway, when my parents were seperated and after the divorced my dad would always pick me and my sister up and take us places or we would visit his family. Well the moment he got married, I would never forget this....My sister and I was at the door waiting to go out and have fun....But he only took me and my sister was at the door looking like huh??? Then I got in the car and saw my stepmother and stepsister and knew why and I was only 10 yrs old but I was not dumb. My sister was soo hurt by that, and my mother was like, that is not your dad, its that woman. I felt so bad for my sister.

Another time....

We went on a cruise and how about she got upset bc he was holding a conversation with me and she did not feel included. She could have jumped in if she wanted to. I mean really i was only 12 years old and I didn't see my daddy everyday! They actually got into an argument about that and the next day she took her daughter and spent the day with her and that left me and my daddy spending time with eachother. Another incident was when I visited them and they got into some argument and she refused to go to church, which meant that my stepsis didn't go. My daddy was like come on, lets go to church. So me and him went to church and then went out ot eat.

I remember when my older half-sis came to her first family reunion at age 16 (we have same father) and my dad presented her with a necklace at the reception, which was nice. How about the day before my dad was hugging my sister and what not...How about my stepmom was like "You were holding her like she was your woman." What kind of crazy mess is that! My dad adores his daughters that is why he was hugging her.

That lady just do not know how much resentment I have towards her. My dad's family was not happy about that either. She was jealous when it came to him spending time with his own family from what I understood also. I love my dad, and I use to be daddy's girl...But I do not have the urge to see him like I use to do the reason stated above. I am still angry about that. I think that he could have handle his situation a little better, he did fight for me, but not hard enough in my opinion.

So I say do not get married to someone with a child from a previous relationship if you are not ready to treat them as your own!

 

[p31woman]

I know it must be really hard to be a step mom with or without the drama of the child's mother. I'm praying for all you ladies...that you have peace in your homes and in your marriages and relationshi[ps with those dd's and ds's.

 

[LovedAlot]

I'm on my way to being a stepmom and to tell you the truth I don't have a problem being one. My problems are with my so and his inlaws. My story is a little different than most because my boyfriend was married and unfortunately his wife passed away. Here is where the story gets kind of crazy. Him and his wife were raising his now adopted son, but weren't supposed to be. One of their friends was the foster mother and asked them to keep him one weekend and really didn't want him back. So they raised him for about three years. When the wife passed away, she came back to reclaim the kid. They ended up taking him from my so for about four months. My boyfriend fought for him and in the end was able to adopt him so now he is son. I don't care for his inlaws (dead wife's parents). I also saw a lot of behaviors his son was displaying that were not being addressed. It seemed to me that the inlaws and my so just overlooked crazy things that his son was doing. No one took anything seriously and it really disturbed me. The only people who saw what I saw was my so's family. I am the type of person who sees all children as equal. I feel that if I am going to accept my so then I was going to accept his son. This is where a lot of conflicts came into play. I began to look at things as a parents point of view and it seemed like my so didn't like it because he was so used to being in control of everything. He only wanted me involved in things if it was convienant for him. I don't know how to be a part time parent. So after 11 times in trouble at school las year (kindergarten), lying on me, lying on my so, lying to me and my so and my seeing the distructive behaviors that he and his mother in law were allowing, my so is finally started to seeing the things that I felt needed to be addressed. I hear so often now, you were right. I also hear all of the time I need your help. Being in a relationship is hard and it is even harder when there is a child involved. Believe me I have packed all of my things a few times because I thought I couldn't deal with all of this. Oh yeah I don't have any children. To make a long story short, I had issues being a soon to step parent not because of a crazy baby mama, but because of the attitudes of the people who are in charge of raising them. Sometimes others have problems with they encounter a person who is willing to be a parent and is willing to be a parent to the best of their ability.

 

[madamone]

I could write a book on this topic.

I am a stepmom and quite a few of my best friends are also stepmoms. There is only one thing that I have found. Every situation is different. We have everything from the one night stand child, to the stepchild with major issues, to the interferring mother in law and step child with issues being used as a pawn, to DH forgets wife does not have kids and puts his on her, to everything is just hunky dory and more. Each one of our situations is unique. We lean on each other a lot. I do know that we all have the best intentions. Only one of us has given up on the situation. And it is definitely in her best interest. Although she tried hard as all get out for years. Other than that one exception we all dearly love our step children. I try very hard not to make any differences between the two while not trying to step on the mother's boundaries. It's a difficult dance to do. None of us have the best relationships with the mothers although no relationship can be categorized as "drama". The reasons behind this are just as varied. We pretty much just let the husbands handle it. If my input is needed or wanted then I weigh in.

For those who are able to throw themselves into it whole heartedly I say great! If not, establish your boundaries and make sure DH is comfortable with them. Never take it out on the child or attempt to keep your man from his child. If your man is worth having you will lose that battle anyway.

 

[Peaches75]

I am a step mom and it has been very difficult. My step daughter and her mom don't have a good relationship at all. My husband was married to the mother at one point and he always say he never wanted kids and told his wife that (she was suppose to be on birth control), long story short he had a daughter who is 15 now and he just got custody of her and I also have 3 children myself. She is use to being spoiled and getting her way, she doesn't have friends long because of her ways, my kids are tired of the things she does around the house and she has watched her mom control & manipulate people(especially men) and now my step child has all of her mom's bad behaviors and my husband is too laid back and can't pick up on her game playing ( she runs rings around him). It is irritating to watch him be a sucker and she talks to him any way and when he trys to discipline her she tells him that he is "acting hard". She chose to live with us because she thought she would get to do whatever she wants because her relationship with her dad is one where she is the parent and he is the child and I have been in the picture for 2 1/2 years now and I have opened his eyes to alot of things,but now she don't talk to him much and I am tired, and my children are tired. It sad to say, but I have done so much for this child and she just gives her a** to kiss and I am done my husband needs to get a backbone & stop allowing her & everyone else to walk all over him. I am tired of parenting a grown man & then check behind him to make sure he is parenting her. Our household now feels divided and no matter how I explain the situation to my husband he says he will be pro-active about issues we have,but his efforts seem effortless. He is timid and passive and his daughter knows that & she walks all over him and it just a matter of time before we end up in divorce court (also other issues). I'm just tired I give my husband solutions since he has a hard time coming up with any, but he is just not motivated or pro-active on doing anything!! My step daughter makes enemies every where she goes, I am in a real LifeTime movie. Not to mention her mother & grandmother are "off" and I believe that it has been further pass to her.

 

[p31woman]

I could write a book on this topic.

I am a stepmom and quite a few of my best friends are also stepmoms. There is only one thing that I have found. Every situation is different. We have everything from the one night stand child, to the stepchild with major issues, to the interferring mother in law and step child with issues being used as a pawn, to DH forgets wife does not have kids and puts his on her, to everything is just hunky dory and more. Each one of our situations is unique. We lean on each other a lot. I do know that we all have the best intentions. Only one of us has given up on the situation. And it is definitely in her best interest. Although she tried hard as all get out for years. Other than that one exception we all dearly love our step children. I try very hard not to make any differences between the two while not trying to step on the mother's boundaries. It's a difficult dance to do. None of us have the best relationships with the mothers although no relationship can be categorized as "drama". The reasons behind this are just as varied. We pretty much just let the husbands handle it. If my input is needed or wanted then I weigh in.

For those who are able to throw themselves into it whole heartedly I say great! If not, establish your boundaries and make sure DH is comfortable with them. Never take it out on the child or attempt to keep your man from his child. If your man is worth having you will lose that battle anyway.

I totally agree!

 

[fmnnity]

I had/ a deplorable excuse for a stepmother. The lies and stories are too many to go into but bottom line is the sperm donor allows it.

My daughter's stepmother tried her best to hate me. I killed her with kindness and assured her that her husband had done all that he could for me. From what I understand, there is still a little jealousy there but for the most part I love her. I even tell her that when we chat sometimes. She takes my girl school shopping when she is there for the summer. My daughter calls her mom. She great, sometimes in some ways I wish I could be more like her.

I thought that I wanted a man with younger children until i observed the behavior of the kids of the two men I was seeing. One has custody of his daughter and she is just a hard headed little smart a$$. The other man has a terrible bratty type on his hands. Yep I said it. And the fact that I said it means that I know that I don't need to be anybody's stepmammy. My other friend has grown children and I get along great with them. I guess I don't have the patience for the little ones. Heck I'm 2.5 years to freedom and ain't looking to take on no mo.

Running zigzag out of thread, dodging objects being thrown. . .

 

[Maynard]

Where they heck were all yall ladies when I started a thread about this a few months ago?


No seriously. I will be a step mother, not to mention I am childless, so I think that opens a whole 'nother aspect to the situation. I love my soon to be step children to death. I couldnt imagine treating them like ish.

I recently met the kids Mom and I had to trick her to do it. That woman couldnt pick me out of a line up as much as she was avoiding me. The sad part was that her daughter (7) had peeped it and has this thing that me and her Mom should be friends. I by no means want to be hanging and clubbin with ol girl. I just would think that if someone spent more time with my child than I did, I would want to meet them. That's just me.

 

[audacious1]

Until 2 days ago, I hated my dad's wife. I thought she was evil. Now I know exactly how she must have felt all these years. And I don't blame her. She treated me like ****, but who knows what she was going through. To see my face, knowing that she could never give her husband his first child must have hurt (she knew about me prior to getting married, but they dated off and on since hs-they were on when the two of them found out about me). I believe she had a hard time conceiving too, because my 5 yo brother came after over 10 years of marriage.

I'd love to talk to her about my epiphany, but we don't have that type of relationship. Besides, my g-ma told me she wrote a letter trying to reach out to her, and she never got a response.

ETA: I don't want to be anyone's step mother. I want to marry someone who has no children. That way my first child will be his first.

 

[joyous]

Well,don't think it gets any easier when you have grown stepchildren. My cousin and I both have grown stepchildren, and I can tell you some stories.
They think no matter how long you've been with their parent, or what you've helped them to build, if something happens you're not supposed to get anything. My stepdaughter was furious when she found out that if anything happens to her dad I'm the beneficiary. My cousin also has two grown stepchildren. She was married to him for 15 years, nursed him through 2 kidney transplants and brain cancer until his death. His children didn't lift a finger to help. When he died and left her everything, they tried to sue her. She was planning to give them something until they got funky.

 

[MissScarlett]

How did you cope with being a step-mother? It's been interesting, difficult but now very rewarding

How long have you been a step-mother? Dh and I have been married for 8 years, I've been with him for 11.

What was your experience like with the child and his/her mother? Umm she was classic babymama drama. She only improved when dh and I had our OWN child. I think it was a wakeup call for her as in, ok stop playing they have their own kid (s) now. She also got better when she got married and had a baby by her dh.

Any advice to ladies who may become step-mom's one day?[/quote]

Don't let her walk all over you and your dh just because she 'holds the cards'. I also don't agree with letting dh and her agree and discuss things without including or discussing them with you, yes its THEIR child but you still come first, sorry. Even with your OWN kids, the spouse is susposed to come first...soo....keep that in mind.

Too often the BM, feel like you are "no one" but its your household and everything affects it, including the child. Be firm and clear, set boundaries but never catty, they are waiting on that.

When I first met dh, I was young 22 and not at all trying to be someone's stepmother It took awhile to learn I wasn't 'sharing' dh and learned to have my own relationship with DD. She and I are now very very close.

It's a rocky road but we're all much better 10 years later. Obviously, intially BM was resentful, nasty, classic...but I killed her with kindness and class BUT I never kissed her a**. I just let her know I wasn't about playing games with her.

 

[Miss_Jetsetter]

Well,don't think it gets any easier when you have grown stepchildren. My cousin and I both have grown stepchildren, and I can tell you some stories.
They think no matter how long you've been with their parent, or what you've helped them to build, if something happens you're not supposed to get anything. My stepdaughter was furious when she found out that if anything happens to her dad I'm the beneficiary. My cousin also has two grown stepchildren. She was married to him for 15 years, nursed him through 2 kidney transplants and brain cancer until his death. His children didn't lift a finger to help. When he died and left her everything, they tried to sue her. She was planning to give them something until they got funky.

Wow! What ungrateful jack asses!

 

[gone_fishing]

I was a step mom. Sadly, I'm not anymore.

My ex husband had a daughter from a "one night stand" when he was 18 years old or so.

His daughter is so adorable. She's the sweetest little girl.

He and her mother didn't get along well though. They fought like cats and dogs and it go to the point where when she'd call I'd end up playing the middle man. She wouldn't want to talk to him so she'd ask me to ask him a question and then want me to get back to her. It was a pain in the butt but I liked her and I loved him so I thought I was doing some good. I regret that now I think I was teaching him not to be responsible for maintaining a relationship with his daughter's mother.

Her mom was always nice and polite to me. She still calls me from time to time and let's me talk to her daughter.

It really hurt letting that little one go. I really loved that little girl. I always wanted a daughter before we had our son.

Now, I try my best to make sure that she and my son have a sibling relationship. Me and her mom work on that together since my ex lives overseas.

I also had custody of my ex husband's teenage sister. She was 14 when I got custody of her and I continued to have custody of her even after I divorced her brother. She graduated from high school with me and then I shipped her off to college in Texas. I still miss her too.

I'm really maternal. I love kids. I get attached easily to childen. Even my SO's little niece up in WI...she took a liking to me when I was up there and I didn't want to let her go. I think I have a problem....

 

[The Girl]

wow Jazzykate, your story sounds soo much like my donor and his new wife except she has no children!.. AND she is very insecure with the fact that I have a child with him. I am nonconfrontational like Tinkat's mom. However, she finds every opportunity to let it be known that she is the wife (yayyyyyy!! now he can leave my A$$ alone!).
I have more a "Hand that Rocks the Cradle situation". I know that he doesn't know bc we have never had that issue. When I do bring it to his attention, unfortunately he is very brash and confrontational with her.

As for my prior situation, being a "stepmother" was the pits. She was very threatened by the bond the child and I formed (she told me so). Yet, she was unwilling to work together. She had no interest in the child until she saw we had a good relationship. Then her focus was only to ruin our band not to spend more quality time with her child. She actually said that I was spoiling the child by cooking everyday.

To the OP: my advice is let the dad lead. No matter how bad you want to jump in and be super stepmom...DON'T! I am not saying never have a realtionship but untimately if dad isnt going to help foster by supporting the good and squahing the bad, you are setting yourself up for heartache. HTH

 

[Peaches75]

wow Jazzykate, your story sounds soo much like my donor and his new wife except she has no children!.. AND she is very insecure with the fact that I have a child with him. I am nonconfrontational like Tinkat's mom. However, she finds every opportunity to let it be known that she is the wife (yayyyyyy!! now he can leave my A$$ alone!).
I have more a "Hand that Rocks the Cradle situation". I know that he doesn't know bc we have never had that issue. When I do bring it to his attention, unfortunately he is very brash and confrontational with her.

As for my prior situation, being a "stepmother" was the pits. She was very threatened by the bond the child and I formed (she told me so). Yet, she was unwilling to work together. She had no interest in the child until she saw we had a good relationship. Then her focus was only to ruin our band not to spend more quality time with her child. She actually said that I was spoiling the child by cooking everyday.

To the OP: my advice is let the dad lead. No matter how bad you want to jump in and be super stepmom...DON'T! I am not saying never have a realtionship but untimately if dad isnt going to help foster by supporting the good and squahing the bad, you are setting yourself up for heartache. HTH

I am late seeig this, but I totally agree, my husband has no choice but to step up to the plate because he now realize I am drained & he needs to play an active roll. As far as the ex, she tries to create havoc every chance she gets and I just try to keep the drama away from the kids.

 

[mrsmeredith]

How did you cope with being a step-mother? Well, we have custody of his kids so I treat them as my own children. My house is lively, bedtime is a hassle and I am alwaysss tired. But all in all, they are my heart. My hubby and I also have kids so to them its a party all the time.

How long have you been a step-mother? 9 years

What was your experience like with the child and his/her mother? I love the kids as my own but the mother and I don't see eye to eye on anything. She talks bad about me to the kids and questions the mess out of them when they go for visitation. We had to stop all phone calls because she is plain silly. She has been indicted because of some issues pertaining to the kids and her co-defendant jumped bail and we don't know where he is, just to give you her personality. But anywho, I am civil with her at all times.

Any advice to ladies who may become step-mom's one day? Yes, never say anything to them negatively about the other parent or let them hear you speak to anyone concerning the other parent. Be understanding and know its a hard situation for them as well. Make sure your spouse set the ground rules with everyone so there are no misunderstandings.