Spinny - Is it wrong to love and be with a man that NEEDS you?

[SvelteVelvet]

Libra Alert!!

So my scales are tipping to the left, and I'm wondering. Lately the whole mood with black women has been fed-up, sick and tired of just not meeting men on our level.

Us not choosing to date them or cutting them off with the quickness for the lack of returns emotional, mental, physical, financial..is just that a choice.

Looking at the situation between single black men and women as it is right now and not as we'd prefer it to be...

What if you did meet a man that has a great character, personality, you mesh and get along well and your really really attracted but what's asked of you to contribute to the relationship is alot more than he can reciprocate..keywords: AT THIS TIME.

He may be ambitious has a plan but is struggling to get there basically getting by. You aren't rich by any means but you make double or more what he makes.

He's the ain't too proud to beg type too, does not turn down your offers to pay, may even ask you for money. He basically lays it out that he will need for you to be there for him emotionally, mentally, physically, and financially. Promises he will return the favor and spoil you when things fall into place financially for him and you will be able to share the life you want.

You have plans with your money, but this man pops up and you are torn. You have feelings for him too, but would you put the plans you made a single woman on the backburner to help support him and basically carry the biggest compromises in your relationship in return for his love, attention, company, and hopefully the payback of becoming a successful couple?

We are moreso feeling like we are 'happier to be single' but still would like decent relationship with a good man and eventually want families. Should what we want require more of a sacrifice to our rigid standards and requirements?

Yes we are all strong bad bishes and got it going on in several areas and we worked to get there but are we foolish to hold so stubbornly to the thinking that we shouldn't have to work to maintain and acheive the man that we want?

Is it always so wrong to have to polish your man up and HELP him to become the man you want and need him to be instead of expecting him to have met you and just automatically be perfect for you in every way?

Does either path truly guarantee more success?

Isn't anything worth having worth working hard for? And doesn't everything we hope to attain require a little faith and perseverance?

Granted we've all been through the fire wit ninjas and our tolerance wears thin over time for even the slightest signs and red flags and there are plenty of men who will string women along for years if the woman lets him, but what if we took the knowledge of what we learned and allowed it to have the opposite affect?

What if we processed it to gives us more patience instead of anxiousness in finding our partners?

I'd like to know if there were women who met a man that could have been perfect if.....But stayed with him to help him become a better man and more importantly are you still with that man?

Don't be afraid to post any BS you had to go through to get to where you are! Keep it gully!

 

[UmSumayyah]

I believe in potential.
My husband had ZIP, ZIP, when we met. He had one or two options for where he wanted to go, career-wise, and he would always talk about his plans. (He had a job that didn't pay much)
We had the same viewpoint on family, religion, alot of things. We could talk for hours. He was kind and considerate and made me laugh.
However, he DIDN'T. ASK. ME. FOR. JACK.
In less than a year, he had made serious strides and demonstrated that he took his financial responsibilities seriously.

I was always there to lend emotional support and listen. After we got married, I would use my professional skills to assist him. I didn't whine and complain when he had to work late or make a fuss about making sure his clothes were clean and he had something to eat when he got home. I didn't make a stink about not being able to hit the mall whenever I felt like it.

But I didn't need to guide, cajole, or push him. Drive, energy, ambition were things he already had and I don't think that you can give that to a man.

Polish up a man? Hey, if his fashion choices are unfortunate and he forgets to polish his shoes and buy new laces, that's one thing.
If he needs me to tell him what he's good at, search the job boards, compose his resume, mail it out, search out classes, register him for classes, pay for classes, find a mentor, buy him his interview clothes, make sure he gets to work on time, etc. Then he can miss me with that.

I don't expect a man to be perfect. I love my dh to pieces but he is not perfect. However, he is a grownup.

And something else: Potential is great when you are in your teens and early twenties. By the time a man hits his thirties he should have something to show.

 

[LivingDoll]

I believe in potential.
My husband had ZIP, ZIP, when we met. He had one or two options for where he wanted to go, career-wise, and he would always talk about his plans. (He had a job that didn't pay much)
We had the same viewpoint on family, religion, alot of things. We could talk for hours. He was kind and considerate and made me laugh.
However, he DIDN'T. ASK. ME. FOR. JACK.
In less than a year, he had made serious strides and demonstrated that he took his financial responsibilities seriously.

I was always there to lend emotional support and listen. After we got married, I would use my professional skills to assist him. I didn't whine and complain when he had to work late or make a fuss about making sure his clothes were clean and he had something to eat when he got home. I didn't make a stink about not being able to hit the mall whenever I felt like it.

But I didn't need to guide, cajole, or push him. Drive, energy, ambition were things he already had and I don't think that you can give that to a man.

Polish up a man? Hey, if his fashion choices are unfortunate and he forgets to polish his shoes and buy new laces, that's one thing.
If he needs me to tell him what he's good at, search the job boards, compose his resume, mail it out, search out classes, register him for classes, pay for classes, find a mentor, buy him his interview clothes, make sure he gets to work on time, etc. Then he can miss me with that.

I don't expect a man to be perfect. I love my dh to pieces but he is not perfect. However, he is a grownup.

And something else: Potential is great when you are in your teens and early twenties. By the time a man hits his thirties he should have something to show.

Thanks is not enough. This is a great post.

 

[Bunny77]

A man who's not my DH betta not eva eva EVA ask me for money... the end. That thought need not even cross his mind and no self-respecting man would want to do that.

(UmSumayyah said everything else I could have thought to say!)

 

[envybeauty]

Yup. UmSumayyah summed it up. Women everyday falling for the okie dokie and doling out cash to men. Paying for everything while breaking their backs to support him. Yeah ok. They'll be right back on this board years from now talking about how tired they are of supporting that fool bc a man with his hand out will not change.

 

[SvelteVelvet]

Thanks for your views ladies and I agree wholeheartedly. I just notice that this is a big difference between black women and non-black women, particularly white women. It's pretty known that white women have no problem paying the rent and supporting their man and I've known hispanic women to do the same for their black men.

Still want to know of any black women here who have done it and it was worth it.

 

[lexi84]

I've been in that situation before while in college so I was young and didnt know better. I was in a long relationship with a nice guy who had sooo much potential. He was my first love. He was smart, driven, educated, and treated me like a queen. However, he was down on his luck and said he needed my help. I obliged.

I helped the man buy clothes for job interviews, helped him buy Christmas gifts for his family, helped him buy groceries, helped him here, helped him there. The minute I needed money for my phone bill, he said he didnt have it and i believed him until he went out and bought a car with cash two weeks later. Imagine my surprise.

My assessment of what happened? The man had become accustomed to being "catered to". He got spoiled. Took advantage of the situation and took alot of my money in the process. By the end of our relationship, he had saved up enough money to get an apartment....and a new girlfriend.

Never again.

Nowadays for me, if you dont have money, you wont have me. Sorry. I dont care how that sounds.

 

[Almaz]

Yeah okay and a lot of those women get kicked to the curb too. One has to be careful in this situation cause I have had friends to raise their man up and soon as he was up he upped and left and share all the fruits of HER labour with another chick. Now this chick is thinking he has got it ALLL together but it was his ex that helped him get there.

Can we start Starter wife or GF

Thanks for your views ladies and I agree wholeheartedly. I just notice that this is a big difference between black women and non-black women, particularly white women. It's pretty known that white women have no problem paying the rent and supporting their man and I've known hispanic women to do the say for their black men.

Still want to know of any black women here who have done it and it was worth it.

 

[Bunny77]

It's pretty known that white women have no problem paying the rent and supporting their man and I've known hispanic women to do the same for their black men.

Really?

Are you saying that the white/Hispanic women do this for the black men that they're with or for men in general?

Because I don't see white women doing this at all. But I'm thinking of the white women married to white men... the white men fully expect to be providers, even if the woman is working as well.

 

[mxdchiq86]

no offense OP but, i'm not a fan of this approach/mind set at all. i know a few females with similar thoughts and they are constantly being used by men that they feel are '' great men, with great characteristics, and a promising future ''. first of all, the fact that you are making double than this man.. leads me to believe that he has some form of income. what is so wrong with the concept of this adult male living within HIS personal means?

i'm sorry but, i would never put my financial goals on the back burner to accomodate a love interest and quite frankly, i've never had to. i earn over double what my DH earns, and we mantain seperate checking accounts. when we were dating, he simply lived within his means, while i lived within mine. a man that is genuinely interested in you, isn't going to be looking for any type of financial gain from the relationship.. and if he is, in my opinion, that is a red flag.

there are a million different ways to build your man up. inspire him. simply giving him something is not building him up. you're just providing him something that he could otherwise attain himself.

ETA; this outlook is exactly how alot of women even get to the point of being taken advantage of. they make excuses for supporting their man.. i.e '' he'll return the favor one day '', '' he's a great guy, otherwise '', ect.. it's just a very dangerous approach to relationships and it leaves the woman in a very vulnerable position.

 

[lexi84]

Really?

Are you saying that the white/Hispanic women do this for the black men that they're with or for men in general?

Because I don't see white women doing this at all. But I'm thinking of the white women married to white men... the white men fully expect to be providers, even if the woman is working as well.

My thoughts exactly. The only WW I see supporting their men are married and their husband at some point was the provider and now, due to unforseen circumstances, are unable to be the primary provided for their family (lost job, medical issues, etc.).

I'm sure we would all support our man and family in a situation like that.

 

[glam-]

I just notice that this is a big difference between black women and non-black women, particularly white women. It's pretty known that white women have no problem paying the rent and supporting their man and I've known hispanic women to do the same for their black men.

Really?

Are you saying that the white/Hispanic women do this for the black men that they're with or for men in general?

Because I don't see white women doing this at all. But I'm thinking of the white women married to white men... the white men fully expect to be providers, even if the woman is working as well.

Like Bunny, I can't say that I have seen this either. I'm not making any value judgments about white men (or black men for that matter), but I have not seen very many white men with their hands out asking a woman to support them.

 

[mxdchiq86]

Really?

Are you saying that the white/Hispanic women do this for the black men that they're with or for men in general?

Because I don't see white women doing this at all. But I'm thinking of the white women married to white men... the white men fully expect to be providers, even if the woman is working as well.

exactly.. and when the tables are turned, i rarely, if ever see these white women turning around and eventually spoiling their men. 9 times out of 10, if one party in the relationship is going to take on the role of provider, you're going to remain the provider. the concept that you will later be rewarded is just not a safe assumption to make, at all. sure, it may happen.. but, i definately wouldn't count on it. this is why i don't believe in '' borrowing '' lol.. if you're going to give someone something, give it to them. expecting something back just leaves so much room for let down and dissapointment.

 

[TCatt86]

I'm all about supporting my man, emotionally and all that jazz but financially, nope ain't happening. I have dated men that made alot less than me and I never ever had to come out of my pocket for anything when I was with them. I think when you are dating someone you keep your standard of living and they keep theirs, meaning if I was shopping at Forever21 and he was living it up in Barney's then it should stay that way. I also want to add that any man I'm dating asking me for financial help will get the X, I'm all about support and potential but no man I want to marry is going to be ok with his woman supporting him financialy. I just couldn't do it.

 

[TCatt86]

My thoughts exactly. The only WW I see supporting their men are married and their husband at some point was the provider and now, due to unforseen circumstances, are unable to be the primary provided for their family (lost job, medical issues, etc.).

I'm sure we would all support our man and family in a situation like that.

Right that's a different circumstance all together.

 

[Bunny77]

Okay, thinking a little more... I know of one white woman-black man couple that was like this. He had a college degree, but wanted to be a writer and was struggling. He married a woman who was a successful executive and she said she would handle all expenses while he got back on his feet.

One year later, they were divorced and dude moved back home. Guess she got tired of that.

The other BM-WW couples I know that are successful don't have the dynamic of woman doing everything until a man gets on his feet. The man is usually there, or moving in that direction. I remember working with one white woman who married a successful black male lawyer and he showered her with cash. He spent money once for her and her girlfriends to all enjoy a weekend at the spa while he went out of town for business... he was always doing things like that for her.

So if anything, I see more BM taking care of their WW/AW/HW than the other way around. The ones who don't usually leave their WW/AW/HW broke, busted and disgusted like they do with BW.

I do think that some BM (that I've encountered) like to throw out the whole "white women work with a brother" comment when a black woman challenges him on his job security/financial state. Cause I really don't see quality WW doing all these things for non-quality BM.

 

[v2.0]

It's sad that women are more likely to invest in a man than they are in themselves.

 

[Bunny77]

It's sad that women are more likely to invest in a man than they are in themselves.

Daaaaaaammmmnnnn!!!

So much truth said right here!!!!

 

[SvelteVelvet]

I'm not talking white women with white men. I'm talking white women with black men. I've known quite a few, let their man drive their cars and they pay most of the bills. Listen to some hip-hop how some rappers talking about going to his white girl so she could spoil him. There are black men who have this mentality. And black women who believe that that's why black men go for them, because they are silly in this sense of not mindiing taking care of their black men financially.

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

I never, ever bought a man anything before I was married, not even a soda-pop.

DH is the only man I have ever bought anything for, after we were married, of course, and he'll tell you. As a single woman I was able to buy my own because I had a good paying job, but if a man asked me out, he had to pay--I didn't do dutch either.

I've told my daughters also to never pay for anything for a man unless it's your husband.

A real man will always want to foot the bill--that's what I believe, and I'm sticking with it.

Even when we go out now, if I'm with DH, he's whippin' out his money or debit card, he won't let me pay if he's with me.

 

[Bunny77]

I'm not talking white women with white men. I'm talking white women with black men. I've known quite a few, let their man drive their cars and they pay most of the bills. Listen to some hip-hop how some rappers talking about going to his white girl so she could spoil him. There are black men who have this mentality. And black women who believe that that's why black men go for them, because they are silly in this sense of not mindiing taking care of their black men financially.

Okay, gotcha.

How stable, committed and long-term are these types of relationships though? That's all I care about.

 

[SvelteVelvet]

Yep, the best I received from an older friend of mine who is well off, had her house built from bottom to top and owns her own business and drives two Benz's. "I don't care how much more money I have, if a man takes me out on a date, he's paying!"

This is strictly for arguments sake because I know this subject goes so strongly to one side that the man should come and be able to offer stability to a woman right off the bat, or at least prove a good potential to be able to in the future.

I also agree with him not having the attitude of being comfortable with me footing the bill all the time or even going dutch, or even having the audacity to ask for a handout. I want..no a need a generous man in my life!

I never, ever bought a man anything before I was married, not even a soda-pop.

DH is the only man I have ever bought anything for, after we were married, of course, and he'll tell you. As a single woman I was able to buy my own because I had a good paying job, but if a man asked me out, he had to pay--I didn't do dutch either.

I've told my daughters also to never pay for anything for a man unless it's your husband.

A real man will always want to foot the bill--that's what I believe, and I'm sticking with it.

Even when we go out now, if I'm with DH, he's whippin' out his money or debit card, he won't let me pay if he's with me.