SO Has Rude Friends

[Kutie85]

I've been dating my so for a year and a half and he is a really sweet guy and he treats me very well. He has a lot of friends and associates from college and high school and a couple of friends that he has known since childhood. In social gatherings I have made an effort to be friendly and try to get to know his friends but they are very uninviting and there have been a few out of line incidents with some of them that rubbed me the wrong way.

1. Ignoring or not saying hello to me 2. I mentioned in a previous post about being poked at about not having a job 3. More recently he had a game night at his house and I went to greet a girl and I went to hug her and she made some remark about not knowing me so why was she hugging me I told her that I was _______ girlfriend and she claimed to not have remembered previously meeting me and I was just being polite. He has spoken to those individuals that were out of line. I also made a good effort of letting him have his guy time so I don't go to stuff all the time. At this point I have just stopped going to the social events that they have because I rather not put effort into trying to get to know people that don't want to be bothered with me. Once someone has made me feel uncomfortable I don't give second chances.

This is the first time he has been in a serious relationship and has brought a woman around any of his friends. My theory is that a lot of his friends are still immature and aren't ready to accept that he is in a relationship and isn't the single friend anymore that they can use to their convenience.

 

[LiftedUp]

From what I get from this, either he knows the reason why they're acting like that or it's a cultural difference.

For the "he knows the reason why" bit, from the scenario you just mentioned, it's usually that the guy is married/is in a serious relationship/ was in a serious relationship with a mutual friend/ a mutual friend liked him a lot and was blanked etc. The friends, being friends, may snub you because of it.

Or, because of their culture, it may take them a while to warm up to someone new. Are they from the Caribbean???

It's either you investigate, or not care and ignore their attitudes.

 

[QueenFee]

WOW you're better than me, I usually stay away from my S/O's friends, he is five years older than me so the cradle robbing comments and all the other rubbish is always the head of conversation at the dinner table even tho we have been together off and on for going on 6 years. I just stopped going around them period, he gets mad but I don't give a damn, because if I made a disrespectful comment towards any of his other friends he wouldn't make any excuses for me so I stay away.Sometimes it's better that way. I'm sorry you have to go through that but to be honest, I didn't start getting any respect until I started acting just like them, now it's always, where's Fee? She not coming? But why would I want to if I had to be a butthole for you to like me?

If you do decide to go around them @ one of your bf's functions where all his friends will be there bring some of your friends, at least you would have someone to talk to. Show them that you are not looking for their acceptance or approval, find a way to have a good time too.If it's a function where you can't bring your friends meet your bf there and stay as long as you like. When you ready to bounce you can.

 

[Kutie85]

He not really aware when they are being rude because he is usually busy being the host. I'm really observant and have to point it out to him. We are both black and so are his friends. I'm 25 and he is 27. My close friends live in other states. I brought a girl to some events that used to talk to his best friend we ended up becoming friends but it didn't work out with him and she has a very bitter view towards relationships right now that I get stuck having to listen to.

 

[carcajada]

I went to greet a girl and I went to hug her

I don't hug anyone that I am not personally friends with. I nod or wave my hand if it's the second time seeing them. I don't think you should take this particular incident personally. I think all the incidents together gives you reason to feel the way you do. Just the hugging thing is understandable. Some people feel some sort of way being hugged by someone they don't really know like that.

From what you have posted, it seems they view you as an outsider. They seem a little snobby and stand off-ish about their friendship with your boyfriend.

 

[Skyfall]

I don't hug anyone that I am not personally friends with. I nod or wave my hand if it's the second time seeing them. I don't think you should take this particular incident personally. I think all the incidents together gives you reason to feel the way you do. Just the hugging thing is understandable. Some people feel some sort of way being hugged by someone they don't really know like that.

From what you have posted, it seems they view you as an outsider. They seem a little snobby and stand off-ish about their friendship with your boyfriend.

To be honest I wouldn't stop going, I would keep going and bring someone with me so I don't feel awkward, stand your ground and let them know that your not going anywhere, that you are here to stay and that they better get used to seeing your face. But when you go be polite and greet them even if they don't in return and just KIM, ignore them after that. and make some of your own friends where you live, and bring them to the parties lol.

 

[MD_Lady]

It sounds like you are doing your part by both being friendly and making your SO aware of the times when you feel disrespected. Are you trying to determine why his friends are being rude or are you looking for SO to take a more active role in responding to their behavior (or maybe a little bit of both?)?

 

[hopeful]

I agree with danibeeja. I would go, bring a friend or associate, or mostly hang by his side. They won't pull crap right in front of him. Remember your focus is him, not his friends. You don't have to be his friends' friend. Just be polite, enjoy his company, and be somewhat distant to his friends. Like hello, quick smile, and keep it moving. No hugging, no attempting to have conversations. I would be nice but a little icy. They will either come around or they won't. At some point this will have to come to a head. Like he will see how rude they are and find more mature friends, you two will make new friends together, or they will come around. Or you may decide enough is enough. But for now, don't let them run you off. I have found that it's the really good guys that people try to keep you from because they want them to themselves. Good luck girl, people can really be a trip.

 

[caltron]

Ewww, I would hate to have to deal with that type of triflingness! Well, it sounds like you have a great guy there, so I think as your relationship grows deeper, these "friends" of his will be falling by the wayside like flies and be replaced by friends who respect you as a couple.

I wouldn't stop going to these things either...I would just find some folks of my own to invite.

 

[ThickHair]

This is the first time he has been in a serious relationship and has brought a woman around any of his friends.

According to who? Maybe he has brought lots of women around and that is why his friends are acting shady. Just food for thought.

 

[Kutie85]

According to who? Maybe he has brought lots of women around and that is why his friends are acting shady. Just food for thought.

Lol no he didn't date a lot in college he was one of the nice guys that girls didn't pay attention to or he stayed in the friend zone.

 

[Kutie85]

Thanks guys I have an idea of how to handle it now.

 

[NaijaTroll]

I don't hug anyone that I am not personally friends with. I nod or wave my hand if it's the second time seeing them. I don't think you should take this particular incident personally. I think all the incidents together gives you reason to feel the way you do. Just the hugging thing is understandable. Some people feel some sort of way being hugged by someone they don't really know like that.
.

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While I agree(Im not a hugger), the response was freaking rude. The girl(and Im using that word very loosely) could have easily just accept the hug and let it be that. the hell is with "witchu hugging me for blah blah"..I mean seriously, so damn uncouth.

OP, stop being overly friendly with these people. Get your snob on.

Seriously just reading her response towards you offended me greatly

 

[Spiffy]

Yes, I wouldn't try to friend them, I would make them irrelevant.

 

[imaccami]

Are these women who are acting so rude? If so, they are probably trying to drive you away so that they have a chance at your SO. If the men are being this rude too...that would just piss me off.

Either way I wouldn't stop going, I would bring a friend of my own to the get togethers, say hi in a nice way and that's it. They can't even say hi and they pretend like they don't remember meeting you...they sound like jerks, don't let them bother you.

 

[Flor]

I agree with danibeeja. I would go, bring a friend or associate, or mostly hang by his side. They won't pull crap right in front of him. Remember your focus is him, not his friends. You don't have to be his friends' friend. Just be polite, enjoy his company, and be somewhat distant to his friends. Like hello, quick smile, and keep it moving. No hugging, no attempting to have conversations. I would be nice but a little icy. They will either come around or they won't. At some point this will have to come to a head. Like he will see how rude they are and find more mature friends, you two will make new friends together, or they will come around. Or you may decide enough is enough. But for now, don't let them run you off. I have found that it's the really good guys that people try to keep you from because they want them to themselves. Good luck girl, people can really be a trip.

Awesome! That's what I think too. Being from another country, I've experienced the same with my DH friends. Some are still around, some not, but I am still his wife and DH respects me.

 

[mango387]

I had that to happen to me before. When I first met some of my ex's friends, they looked like they were quite angry and we were at church. Some even said, "Oh, she does exist?" At the time, I was living in England, so it was a LDR. That hurt. When I asked him for double dates or meet-ups upon returning to the States, his friend would always agree then something would turn up. I really wanted to get to know his friends, because a person's friends tell you about them. Well, that never happened. We didn't make it as a couple, and I think a large part of the reason for that was his friends.

With that said, I have heard through the grapevine that he dropped all of those friends not long after our relationship failed. No need in crying about spilled milk though. I've done that and it didn't help. OP, just be careful and watch your man's responses to his friends more than the friends. He will put you over them if it's serious.