So exactly how much/how long/how often do I have to do everything alone?

[PaperClip]

And I do mean almost everything.... Sigh....

This question has been on my heart for a minute.... Loneliness has been my deepest heartcry for years.... I've stifled it to a dull wimper because I have to do what my mama told me to do and that is to suck it up and keep it movin'.... Sigh.... I feel like I'm fighting against the wind....

Two areas specifically that is "weighing" on me: 1) exercise program to lose weight and 2) my dissertation.... Part of me feels like if I could have some help...like a warm body next to me to just sit there with me as I exercise and as I study, I'll feel/be secure enough to stay on task.

That's it.... I haven't been able to stay on task and it is upsetting me daily.... it's like a vicious cycle. I keep beating myself up about it and I know I need to change but then I find myself back in a rut....

Plus the whole marriage thing.... but I'm FINALLY getting it that marriage doesn't solve anything or will make my life perfect. In fact, it will make my life more complex....

I'm concerned about finances.... I mean, it's only me right now so even on a bad day, it's still not a bad day 'cause I know I'm gonna have a place to eat, sleep, clothes to put on, and even reliable transportation.... I'm grateful.... but sometimes...I just want somebody else to "handle" stuff.... to help me....

One thing I can say through all of this is that I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that the Lord has granted me SO MUCH GRACE. So much grace.

I wish there was a semi-private forum where I could ask this.... I thought about a chat or PM thing.... maybe I should have done that.... this is just where I am right now....

And I need a serious prayer boost.... almost like a prayer retreat.... there I go again with the warm body metaphor.... a small group of intercessors where we gather and pray together for a weekend....

Community.... I guess I want community.... Like the girls on Sex and the City. They were there for each other in such a way....

I humbly ask if your responses are gonna get really deep and make me cry look:erplexed), maybe just PM me? Or if you sense that your response will be helpful for others, then just post it publicly.

I appreciate your time and attention....

 

[lovedone_24]

I feel you!! I think we go through this time until we really understand that none but the Father is in control. I call myself understanding that, but then I get hit with different circumstances where I cry out "He/she was supposed to be there for me! How can he/she help me when they don't have it together?". Or many times there is no one there at all--helpful or otherwise. The trick is to wrap the mind around the concept of the Father holding our lives in His hands in such a way that even ______ is only a manifestation of His guidance, His peace, His authority. I think a husband is an amazing blessing because he is a an earthly representation of many of God's qualities and just goes to show you in flesh what God has been doing all the time as a protector/provider/companion.

FINANCES. A lot of us are in that boat of needing stability or just wanting a little more to put away. I notice that when God moves it is never an isolated occasion. I can tell you that right now I don't have a job and desperately need one, yet the Lord has made a way for some "money to hold me". Next stop: employment! So whatever your needs/wants are I am sure it is just around the corner. That may even come by way of ideas outside of the 9 to 5.

EXERCISING. You have to take that one day at a time. Lately I have been trying to remind myself that I cannot see past this day. Whatever I accomplish in it, is my testimony for ____/____/2008. If you can reach your daily goal with a dash of praise, I know it'll start to come together as a string of days then weeks then months.

I hope I could help a little. I'm not that good @ this kind of thing, but reading/responding to you has helped me to understand a few things. I'm gonna say a prayer for you most definitely.

 

[HeChangedMyName]

I'll post publicly because it may help someone else to see that your situation is not an isolated one. You sound like you are speaking from my own life recently. Being a Christian in the midst of friends who continue to cuss and drink and smoke and sleep around and club has made it difficult for me to find enjoyment in even the simplest of things. I have always been a person who likes to do things "with" people. To me, it makes the hard things more fun and the fun things become even more fun. I wish you were closer, because I need a weight loss buddy too. I know now what I need to do, and I even know how to go about doing it, but, doing it comes like a slow train, being pushed along uphill by mice. I just can't get myself on with it. I don't have a dissertation, but I am in school now and I messed up royally my last course, because I just didn't have the motivation to do the work and no one there to push me along. I got so tired of feeling like I was alone when I knew that the Holy Spirit is always with me.

I went to God one night, we had a long talk. I explained to him that while he is sufficient for my spiritual wellbeing, my physical being needed people, and company and interaction. I felt starved. God revealed to me, that I needed to be starved of the physical attachments that I longed for, in order to fully appreciate the spiritual attachment that I have with him. I bawled. I cried an agonizing cry that was so refreshing. I had given every ounce of myself to God except my heart for contentment. I wanted more. I felt like I finally opened myself up for the fullness of God that night and that because I did that, now I am capable of receiving the physical that I had been longing for. I feel like I can take the physical for what it is and not let it be the end all be all to my life.

Anyway, we could team up and exhange emails or ym or something for our weightloss and school motivation if you like. I am open to that. I feel safe here on this forum, enough to get to know you ladies outside of the threads.

 

[HeChangedMyName]

I feel you!! I think we go through this time until we really understand that none but the Father is in control. I call myself understanding that, but then I get hit with different circumstances where I cry out "He/she was supposed to be there for me! How can he/she help me when they don't have it together?". Or many times there is no one there at all--helpful or otherwise. The trick is to wrap the mind around the concept of the Father holding our lives in His hands in such a way that even ______ is only a manifestation of His guidance, His peace, His authority. I think a husband is an amazing blessing because he is a an earthly representation of many of God's qualities and just goes to show you in flesh what God has been doing all the time as a protector/provider/companion.

FINANCES. A lot of us are in that boat of needing stability or just wanting a little more to put away. I notice that when God moves it is never an isolated occasion. I can tell you that right now I don't have a job and desperately need one, yet the Lord has made a way for some "money to hold me". Next stop: employment! So whatever your needs/wants are I am sure it is just around the corner. That may even come by way of ideas outside of the 9 to 5.

EXERCISING. You have to take that one day at a time. Lately I have been trying to remind myself that I cannot see past this day. Whatever I accomplish in it, is my testimony for ____/____/2008. If you can reach your daily goal with a dash of praise, I know it'll start to come together as a string of days then weeks then months.

I hope I could help a little. I'm not that good @ this kind of thing, but reading/responding to you has helped me to understand a few things. I'm gonna say a prayer for you most definitely.

Isn't God awesome. I am the same way. I haven't worked since Sept 2007 and my unemployment ran out in Feb 2008 I think. But God has kept me and kept people in my life and situations that have allowed me to continue to live in abundance.

 

[PaperClip]

I'll post publicly because it may help someone else to see that your situation is not an isolated one. You sound like you are speaking from my own life recently. Being a Christian in the midst of friends who continue to cuss and drink and smoke and sleep around and club has made it difficult for me to find enjoyment in even the simplest of things. I have always been a person who likes to do things "with" people. To me, it makes the hard things more fun and the fun things become even more fun. I wish you were closer, because I need a weight loss buddy too. I know now what I need to do, and I even know how to go about doing it, but, doing it comes like a slow train, being pushed along uphill by mice. I just can't get myself on with it. I don't have a dissertation, but I am in school now and I messed up royally my last course, because I just didn't have the motivation to do the work and no one there to push me along. I got so tired of feeling like I was alone when I knew that the Holy Spirit is always with me.

I went to God one night, we had a long talk. I explained to him that while he is sufficient for my spiritual wellbeing, my physical being needed people, and company and interaction. I felt starved. God revealed to me, that I needed to be starved of the physical attachments that I longed for, in order to fully appreciate the spiritual attachment that I have with him. I bawled. I cried an agonizing cry that was so refreshing. I had given every ounce of myself to God except my heart for contentment. I wanted more. I felt like I finally opened myself up for the fullness of God that night and that because I did that, now I am capable of receiving the physical that I had been longing for. I feel like I can take the physical for what it is and not let it be the end all be all to my life.

Anyway, we could team up and exhange emails or ym or something for our weightloss and school motivation if you like. I am open to that. I feel safe here on this forum, enough to get to know you ladies outside of the threads.

This is probably the underlying tension I'm having right now.... To trust the Lord for contentment....

Sometimes I feel so cheated.... Not because of what I have, but because what I don't have (or what I think I should have)....

I know.... FOOLISH WOMAN I AM!!!!!!

Thank you both for responding and your kind and encouraging words....

 

[HeChangedMyName]

There is nothing foolish about that. It is natural to want to feel content with your situation both physically and spiritually. Imagine how Jesus must have felt up on that cross, all alone with everyone whome he loved looking up at him, but no one was able to get up on that cross and comfort him. he yelled out to his father and asked "Why?" Just hold on and it will get better. just by you posting this thread, let's God know, if you hadn't already told him, but it lets him know what you want. Don't be afraid to tell God what you want, he will know what your motivation behind your want is, and if your motivation for the want, lines up with his will for your life then you may be surprised to find that things begin to happen.

 

[Evolving78]

i wish this was private too. when i was single i was the total opposite. when i was by myself i was able to stay focused and accomplish things, but when i allowed men into my life, i would get off track. See God needed me to be alone and build a relationship with Him. i was always putting some man first, before him. I did get lonely at times, but i was the most content when i didn't have anyone around. i just had a lot of people in my life that brought on a certain type of draining spirit and at the time, i had that type of spirit that attracted those type of people. Maybe this is just a test for you and I pray that you get through it. Right now, i don't have really anyone that is in my shoes or can relate to the way my life is right now, so i get lonely sometimes too.

 

[star]

These are some of the hardest things to do with in walking with God but assured no be very sure that God will answer your prayers and hearts desire. Just take one day at a time and when you have bad days reach out like you are doing now. We all go through this even some of my married friends they have the warm body but are still very lonely. So, wait on the prince God has for you by taking one day at a time.

 

[Butterfly08]

Awww, I'm sorry you're feeling lonely. I know it sometimes cuts worse than physical pain. I think sometimes God uses this emotion to draw us closer to Him, and while we rest and depend upon Him, He sends us help in unexpected ways. Sometimes we need to drop off all the covers and let God see our hurting heart so that He can completely heal it - so that we will be ready to receive the love that He is sending our way. I'm praying for you!
Regarding exercise, you're definitely not alone! Is there someone you know with similar goals that can be a work out buddy for you? Or maybe you could join one of the challenges on the health board. I did Pinkskates original challenge, and it was the ONLY reason I exercised almost every day and ate my 5 fruits/veggies. It was motivating to know other ladies were (virtually) working out and eating right with me.

Regarding dissertation I have no advice, other than to hang in there and GOOD LUCK! It'll all be worth it in the end.

Delight yourself in the Lord, and He'll give you the desires of your heart.

 

[metamorfhosis]

And I do mean almost everything.... Sigh....

This question has been on my heart for a minute.... Loneliness has been my deepest heartcry for years.... I've stifled it to a dull wimper because I have to do what my mama told me to do and that is to suck it up and keep it movin'.... Sigh.... I feel like I'm fighting against the wind....

Two areas specifically that is "weighing" on me: 1) exercise program to lose weight and 2) my dissertation.... Part of me feels like if I could have some help...like a warm body next to me to just sit there with me as I exercise and as I study, I'll feel/be secure enough to stay on task.

That's it.... I haven't been able to stay on task and it is upsetting me daily.... it's like a vicious cycle. I keep beating myself up about it and I know I need to change but then I find myself back in a rut....

Plus the whole marriage thing.... but I'm FINALLY getting it that marriage doesn't solve anything or will make my life perfect. In fact, it will make my life more complex....

I'm concerned about finances.... I mean, it's only me right now so even on a bad day, it's still not a bad day 'cause I know I'm gonna have a place to eat, sleep, clothes to put on, and even reliable transportation.... I'm grateful.... but sometimes...I just want somebody else to "handle" stuff.... to help me....

One thing I can say through all of this is that I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that the Lord has granted me SO MUCH GRACE. So much grace.

I wish there was a semi-private forum where I could ask this.... I thought about a chat or PM thing.... maybe I should have done that.... this is just where I am right now....

And I need a serious prayer boost.... almost like a prayer retreat.... there I go again with the warm body metaphor.... a small group of intercessors where we gather and pray together for a weekend....

Community.... I guess I want community.... Like the girls on Sex and the City. They were there for each other in such a way....

I humbly ask if your responses are gonna get really deep and make me cry look:erplexed), maybe just PM me? Or if you sense that your response will be helpful for others, then just post it publicly.

I appreciate your time and attention....

RelaxerRehab-

*I typed half of my post and then the computer exited out of LHCF, shut down, and reset. That's ok I am going to still get my point across....

I used to have a large circle of "friends". They knew I was dieting and bought a huge cookie for my birthday. They talked about my sense of style and criticized my clothes--yet the men never had a problem with my style. I told them my dreams and they told me that I couldn't do it. They would make tear down my self-esteem like a termite. And yet, I was there for them. I listened for hours to their problems and gave advice when needed.

However, when I really needed them, they WERE not there for me. ​

I was going through a difficult time and it seemed like everyone in my circle (including an ex lover) were happy to see me eh-lost. So GOD literally removed me from that circle and moved me to another city.

One "friend" did try to stay in touch. We went to dinner a couple of times and it was all about HER. Although I was going through a tough time, she didn't even ask me how I was doing. She was self-absorbed--just like the others. GOD made that "friendship" null and void.

So one day I was just wondering what was going on. I went through withdrawal symptoms. Afterall, I always had someone to listen to and to hang out with.

So aside from my family............I am like alone. Why?​

I was being "set aside". GOD had sanctified me. ​

It took some time, but I got used to not having "friends" who were really termites eating away at GOD's work. I got stronger. And you know what.......I started to really enjoy my own company.

Dont' get me wrong. I have people in my life but I am not close to them. We have conversations and then I go about my business. And I am happy. The devil will send people to take you out!!!

I went to see Sex and the City yesterday. And I did shed a tear because I thought that the friendship among the women was beautiful. They were like sisters. The woman who I considered a sister stabbed me in the back, took a dump on me, and then left me in the dust. She has reappeared after 10 years and sent me a card with all her phone numbers. That "friendship" is over. People come into our lives for a reason, a season, or forever. The reason and season for her being in my life has EXPIRED.​

RelaxerRehab, I believe that GOD is sanctifying you. That is what he has done to me. It makes me feel so special and honored.​

I am single too. I have never been in love. GOD knows I want to fall in love. If it never happens, I am still going to be happy, follow GOD, be a productive person and live a quality life. You know there has been a lot of talk lately in the Off Topic forum about black women being single and has GOD forgotten us. I am not going to write a book about but I will say this: I don't believe GOD has forgotten us. Some of us are going to have to open our eyes and give men of other races a chance. And GOD is working on matchmaking the others. Some of us are just going to have to be patient.

I'm not rich but my needs are met. There are times when I get frustrated and think that maybe I could do better. That's healthy. You will never get to another level if you are completely satisfied with your current circumstances. I have two cousins who are millionaires. But I may not be a millionaire. I am on a different path. They may get their treasure now but I may have treasure in heaven.

I am very good with my finances. I have set up an allowance for myself (like my Dad did when I was young). Also, I have a monthly budget and I shop in advance for what I want. I don't get everything in one month, I spread it over several months.

With regards to exercise, I do need to lose some weight. I have tried for a year and have not gained or lost a pound. I think the problem is that I love myself just like I am. But losing weight would make me healthier. And Relaxer, I don't know if you are a member of a gym but sometimes members of the gym will show you exercises that you can do. But you have got to be self-motivated to lose weight. You have to want it bad enough!!!

I am happy with my life. I am happy that I don't have termites in my life. I can stand alone. I have found that you can only go so far with people. I LOVE my Mom but sometimes she is not there for me---she interrrupts what I am saying. But GOD is always there. And I can tell him ANYTHING and it will be confidential. ​

 

[sunnydaze]

Unpopular opinion coming in..


I do not believe in my heart of hearts that God wants any of us to be lonely. Even if God does need to remove people from our lives, I do not think this is a 3, 4, 5+ year process...being void of friendly relationships for years at a time..I just can't imagine God needing to put any of his children through that in order to "work on them". Lonliness is heartbreaking and I don't believe God wants that for us.

With that said, for those who are lonely for sisterly relationships, there are alot of ways to get out and meet other like minded women to build relationships with. For example, meetup.com has tons of women's social groups and many are Christian focused. Some get together to discuss The Word, others choose to get together to do more social things (movies, dining, spa days, etc.), but just with Christian focused individuals. That is just one example, there are many more.

Hearing about anyone being lonely really pulls at my heartstrings. I just hope that for those of you who have been void of friendships for years now, that maybe its time to tell God what you want, but to also step out and trust that you can meet and develop solid relationships with other like minded people.

 

[PaperClip]

Again, appreciate everybody's responses....

I should clarify that I do not lack female relationships. In fact, as much as I love them, I'm prime for some MALE COMPANIONSHIP. PRIME, I say!

My core group of sisterfriends are either married or have been married. They are very candid about what it takes to be married and stay married and then posts like shortdub78's really snap me into some harsh realities about marriage.

I think if I were to reach out more to my sisterfriends, they would be there for me but I'm used to not doing that, esp. after they got married because I do respect the marital relationship and their boundaries and so usually I take their cue with regard to socializing.

Plus, with the major things going on in my life (school), socializing really can't be a priority...but life can't be all work....

metamorfhosis, I just saw your post as I was writing this so I'm going back to read it, ok? Ok....

 

[PaperClip]

RelaxerRehab-

*I typed half of my post and then the computer exited out of LHCF, shut down, and reset. That's ok I am going to still get my point across....

I used to have a large circle of "friends". They knew I was dieting and bought a huge cookie for my birthday. They talked about my sense of style and criticized my clothes--yet the men never had a problem with my style. I told them my dreams and they told me that I couldn't do it. They would make tear down my self-esteem like a termite. And yet, I was there for them. I listened for hours to their problems and gave advice when needed.

However, when I really needed them, they WERE not there for me. ​

I was going through a difficult time and it seemed like everyone in my circle (including an ex lover) were happy to see me eh-lost. So GOD literally removed me from that circle and moved me to another city.​

One "friend" did try to stay in touch. We went to dinner a couple of times and it was all about HER. Although I was going through a tough time, she didn't even ask me how I was doing. She was self-absorbed--just like the others. GOD made that "friendship" null and void.​

So one day I was just wondering what was going on. I went through withdrawal symptoms. Afterall, I always had someone to listen to and to hang out with.​

So aside from my family............I am like alone. Why?​

I was being "set aside". GOD had sanctified me. ​

It took some time, but I got used to not having "friends" who were really termites eating away at GOD's work. I got stronger. And you know what.......I started to really enjoy my own company.​

Dont' get me wrong. I have people in my life but I am not close to them. We have conversations and then I go about my business. And I am happy. The devil will send people to take you out!!!​

I went to see Sex and the City yesterday. And I did shed a tear because I thought that the friendship among the women was beautiful. They were like sisters. The woman who I considered a sister stabbed me in the back, took a dump on me, and then left me in the dust. She has reappeared after 10 years and sent me a card with all her phone numbers. That "friendship" is over. People come into our lives for a reason, a season, or forever. The reason and season for her being in my life has EXPIRED.​

RelaxerRehab, I believe that GOD is sanctifying you. That is what he has done to me. It makes me feel so special and honored.​

I am single too. I have never been in love. GOD knows I want to fall in love. If it never happens, I am still going to be happy, follow GOD, be a productive person and live a quality life. You know there has been a lot of talk lately in the Off Topic forum about black women being single and has GOD forgotten us. I am not going to write a book about but I will say this: I don't believe GOD has forgotten us. Some of us are going to have to open our eyes and give men of other races a chance. And GOD is working on matchmaking the others. Some of us are just going to have to be patient.​

I'm not rich but my needs are met. There are times when I get frustrated and think that maybe I could do better. That's healthy. You will never get to another level if you are completely satisfied with your current circumstances. I have two cousins who are millionaires. But I may not be a millionaire. I am on a different path. They may get their treasure now but I may have treasure in heaven.​

I am very good with my finances. I have set up an allowance for myself (like my Dad did when I was young). Also, I have a monthly budget and I shop in advance for what I want. I don't get everything in one month, I spread it over several months.​

With regards to exercise, I do need to lose some weight. I have tried for a year and have not gained or lost a pound. I think the problem is that I love myself just like I am. But losing weight would make me healthier. And Relaxer, I don't know if you are a member of a gym but sometimes members of the gym will show you exercises that you can do. But you have got to be self-motivated to lose weight. You have to want it bad enough!!!​

I am happy with my life. I am happy that I don't have termites in my life. I can stand alone. I have found that you can only go so far with people. I LOVE my Mom but sometimes she is not there for me---she interrrupts what I am saying. But GOD is always there. And I can tell him ANYTHING and it will be confidential. ​

metamorfhosis, a lot of what you said here is what my best sisterfriend JUST said to me on the phone this afternoon about being happy.... And she was saying that it's going to be tough going into a relationship not with "self-happiness".... expecting that happiness to come from outside.... that happiness, joy, has to come from WITHIN. She's twice married/divorced....

Gym membership? I have a LIFETIME MEMBERSHIP (PAID OFF!) at my gym. No excuses there. My friend checked me on that, too. She said it's nothing to it but to do it. Just NIKE (just DO IT!)

I'm used to being by myself and I appreciate my alone time. Had my own room growing up; live alone; never had roommates. I'm NEVER BORED... I got way too much stuff to do....

I think an idle mind (not focused on the Lord) is dangerous....

And re. single Black women: that can't be true because I know many a sistah who are marrying.... some on another marriage. We believe the Lord for the best and I also believe that the Lord knows and sees and this minor pain now is NOTHING compared to rushing into something and being miserable. It's all going to work together for good for me/us.... Amen.

 

[kayte]

dear one ...my computer is down so this being typed at an internet cafe w/limited minutes..but Iread the opening yesterday
I will share what I know/ been through and what helped if that's of service to you ...my computer shld be up this week

prayed for you immediately
ps xoxo
much love

 

[kayte]

Hello RelaxerRehab...
I love your post because I see joy ahead .....fulfillment in career.... fiscal abundance.....and satisfying male relationships
Any major life shift involving success..oft-times is foreshadowed w/feelings of anxiety-apprehension...especially when an individual is taking on EVERYTHING and trying to configure not only the outcome but the judgement of process of the outcome.You are on the brink of imminent stature. Doors that were previously ajar... are in the process of being flung wide open and with that..ushers in tremendous possibility and CHANGE.It's understandable you may have hesitancy with the dissertation.It represents well-deserved prominence and status. There may be mixed feelings with this ..again understandable ..also writing for me is inherently potentially lonely ..so if it all possible making a date for myself to work for one hour in a cafe or library study with other writers reduced the feeling of isolation...and plugs me into the general population ie:guys.

Major life shift is also exhausting .. and might manifest in not being as aggressive in completing a project on an even daily/weekly work basis .

Finances...With your PHD degree on the way..Why not meet with a financial planner at your local bank..and devise a modest simple action ...
it could be just opening a savings acct that can't be withdrawn and small once monthly deductions out of checking... and have a standing once a month appointment with him/her to re-assess where you are at financially ... make her/him put it on their calendar..even if nothing's changed just to get into the habit of dealing with a pro on a regular basis about your money because..your finances ARE going to change..for the better

Plus the whole marriage thing.... but I'm FINALLY getting it that marriage doesn't solve anything or will make my life perfect. In fact, it will make my life more complex....

Says who, lovely? How about....."it will make my life infinitely more blessed!" It's not the means to an end..rather the means to enhance what
you already embrace and love in your life

Male companionship...there is no reason why that cannot be enjoyed now...There are many sober safe ways to access male attention and have a wonderful exchange ....Pm-ing you on this

And I need a serious prayer boost.... almost like a prayer retreat.... there I go again with the warm body metaphor.... a small group of intercessors where we gather and pray together for a weekend....

NOW is the time to be gentle and not judge the process
Go on a retreat..you need refreshment and rest to do the excellent work and not burn out
I can pm about suggestions not only for a prayer retreat.. but how about the idea of a applying to an art colony for the dissertation where they will provide the nurturing you need to replenish.It's competitive but if you get a residency ..it can be a great gift

We believe the Lord for the best and I also believe that the Lord knows and sees and this minor pain now is NOTHING compared to rushing into something and being miserable. It's all going to work together for good for me/us.... Amen.

rushing? ..and being miserable(?)
nuh-uh..we refuse to afffirm that..your feelings maybe intense right now...but that does not translate as reckless....
let's reframe this and entertain the idea of taking your time by dating and having fun in the process..you are the Queen bee here....
you get to choose .. whom you want....when you want..if you want..out of the dating pool God provides ... let that be your mindset...

You are in a season,lovely of preparing for divine harvest
In preparation...The irony is ...as you prepare.... you will want this fiercely for God and fiercely for yourself and the other stuff becomes secondary....believe me....once those emotional priorites are in place
the men will come not running..but sprinting

My suggestion is to have the goals ..and take the simple gentle actions..live one day at time...& rest- a -lot ...
leave the rest it in God's hands..