Single Church Folk Question

[janiebaby]

So I'm part of a Bible study group. Most of us are single. There's this one girl who I felt was getting chummy with me so that a guy who she is pursuing would think that we were friends and I wouldn't be a target because she and I were "friends" (me and her are not friends and never will be). It did bring up a thought about how people date in the church. Like are people within your Bible study group of the opposite sex hands off plus people who the women have dated too? I wonder how people navigate that.

ETA: how do I not make my church dating pool smaller than what it already is?

 

[Laela]

I'm married now but I can only go on years back when I was single and I've found the smaller the church, the bigger the drama.. lol because er'body is affected in one way or another.

I hope others can contribute to help encourage you.

 

[janiebaby]

I'm married now but I can only go on years back when I was single and I've found the smaller the church, the bigger the drama.. lol because er'body is affected in one way or another.

I hope others can contribute to help encourage you.

Thanks Laela. I never thought that I would meet someone at my church or in the church for that matter. I would hate for that one person to come along though and there's a stupid barrier there. Male/female relations in my church is super weird as it is. There's like an invisible cloud that says "sex stay away".

 

[Maracujá]

So I'm part of a Bible study group. Most of us are single. There's this one girl who I felt was getting chummy with me so that a guy who she is pursuing would think that we were friends and I wouldn't be a target because she and I were "friends" (me and her are not friends and never will be). It did bring up a thought about how people date in the church. Like are people within your Bible study group of the opposite sex hands off plus people who the women have dated too? I wonder how people navigate that.

ETA: how do I not make my church dating pool smaller than what it already is?

Speaking from my experience: we are a very small church and yes there have been many couples who got formed within the church. But for me personally, it would be very off character to date someone from within the church. It's never been my style: I've never dated anyone from my class in junior high or senior high school. I tried dating a senior in college and it backfired big time, it probably has nothing to do with the fact that we were from the same group, but it's really something I'm trying to avoid now.

Men who other women have dated are off limits for me, absolutely. Been single now for 13 years and I'm really starting to take my blinders off, thinking I'm holier than thou and could never be attracted to someone another sister has dated/is dating. So this is an area of my life that I do pray for a lot. My preference would be to find someone from another church, still from within my city though.

Honestly, I just feel like when you all run too much within the same circle, there's just so much more drama and every single move y'all make is scrutinized. There are (dis)advantages to that, but right now it's not for me, who knows, maybe I'll change my mind about that one day. At the end of the day, these are the people I spend most of my time with. The chances of finding someone outside of that circle are very small :/.

 

[newgrowth15]

@janiebaby, are you willing to date someone from a different church and/or denomination than your own? If the basic tenets of your beliefs are the same, you may meet someone new from a different area or city or even State. If you let God out of the box, (we tend to put God in a box of the way we think without even realizing we have done so) the possibilities are endless. He may be grooming someone from a different country just for you.

 

[momi]

When I was younger people from church dated and married quite often- many are still married to this day. Over the last decade or so I've noticed quite a few just show up at church married and I'm wondering when they even started dating. lol

Maybe because married and singles tend to hang out in different circles, which I find problematic. I think the church functions better and looks lot more like heaven will look whether is a good blend of all groups and ages.

 

[janiebaby]

When I was younger people from church dated and married quite often- many are still married to this day. Over the last decade or so I've noticed quite a few just show up at church married and I'm wondering when they even started dating. lol

Maybe because married and singles tend to hang out in different circles, which I find problematic. I think the church functions better and looks lot more like heaven will look whether is a good blend of all groups and ages.

Leadership has definitely discouraged people from dating in secret. However, I was a part of a group made up of mostly married people with kids and yeah I wouldn't wish that on any single black female. I was mostly ok until I didn't attend a women's retreat and all of the wives were gone and no one engaged me in conversation. I was like forget not having the appearance of impropriety if a single white woman was here they'd be tripping over themselves to not make her feel left out in an all black environment. I don't think anyone but the kids noticed I said bye. I never returned. ETA: the hosts wife was there but she's mostly trying to corral the kids and get them ready for bed during Bible study

Even the other day in the group I'm in now me and one of the married guys went to go grab something from the store to bring back to the group and baybee let me tell you it was the most awkward thing ever. He may be a naturally fast walker but he made sure to keep a distance of at least 2 houses and didnt even open the door for me when one of the guys let us back in and I was carrying the food. ETA: did is the same man who I had just a convos with prior who was talking about helping the homeless and is one of the guys who are naturally good leaders...so if I was homeless (not white like in the last example) I would'nt have been treated like a leper? Ok.

Girl no...yes I want my husband to treat me better than everyone else but my husband better not ever treat a single black woman the way I've been treated. I don't care if he rides off into the sunset with another woman because he was polite to her....I won't say hey I should've let him be a jerk

 

[janiebaby]

@janiebaby, are you willing to date someone from a different church and/or denomination than your own? If the basic tenets of your beliefs are the same, you may meet someone new from a different area or city or even State. If you let God out of the box, (we tend to put God in a box of the way we think without even realizing we have done so) the possibilities are endless. He may be grooming someone from a different country just for you.

Yep more than willing.

 

[momi]

Leadership has definitely discouraged people from dating in secret. However, I was a part of a group made up of mostly married people with kids and yeah I wouldn't wish that on any single black female. I was mostly ok until I didn't attend a women's retreat and all of the wives were gone and no one engaged me in conversation. I was like forget not having the appearance of impropriety if a single white woman was here they'd be tripping over themselves to not make her feel left out in an all black environment. I don't think anyone but the kids noticed I said bye. I never returned. ETA: the hosts wife was there but she's mostly trying to corral the kids and get them ready for bed during Bible study

Even the other day in the group I'm in now me and one of the married guys went to go grab something from the store to bring back to the group and baybee let me tell you it was the most awkward thing ever. He may be a naturally fast walker but he made sure to keep a distance of at least 2 houses and didnt even open the door for me when one of the guys let us back in and I was carrying the food. ETA: did is the same man who I had just a convos with prior who was talking about helping the homeless and is one of the guys who are naturally good leaders...so if I was homeless (not white like in the last example) I would'nt have been treated like a leper? Ok.

Girl no...yes I want my husband to treat me better than everyone else but my husband better not ever treat a single black woman the way I've been treated. I don't care if he rides off into the sunset with another woman because he was polite to her....I won't say hey I should've let him be a jerk

Whoa. I don't believe that's what the bible means when we are commanded to treat each other like brother and sister. Would he not have opened the door for his own sister???
I'm so sorry... :-(

 

[janiebaby]

When I was younger people from church dated and married quite often- many are still married to this day.

@momi I've been thinking a little more about this because I thought that's how it happened too and I've been trying to figure out what changed because it seems that people are thinking that the young people changed but what I think is it's the circumstances that have changed.

I think it has to do with how forward women have become because of how laid back and not in a rush to mate men have become these days. Men almost seem afraid of women, it's like the gender roles have shifted and now men are fleeing the women and women have become the hunters. Now there were definitely some laid back men in the day but I think there was a lot more pressure either naturally from human instinct to want to mate or societal pressure to settle down and that seems to have shifted to women who also have the disadvantage of a biological clock, fleeting "outer" beauty, and lack of social standing for being without a mate.

 

[Queenie]

I know a lot of people who will date on the side. The only people in the group who know are their good friends, who see them and catch up outside of the group.
This avoids a lot of the drama caused by nosy, jealous, gossipy people.