Should you 'mold' your man?

It's too much energy to mold a man, that's like raising a child to me. But I can show him how to treat me by my actions and creating boundaries.
 
I would never try to mold a man. If I didn't like him the way he was then I shouldn't be with him. Just seems like it would set both of us up for discontent.

However, telling a man that I do not appreciate certain things, IMHO, is not the same as trying to mold him. It is just me teaching him about me. I wouldn't expect every woman he's been with to be just like me so I'd expect there to be a learning curve.
 
belleama said:
I would never try to mold a man. If I didn't like him the way he was then I shouldn't be with him. Just seems like it would set both of us up for discontent.

However, telling a man that I do not appreciate certain things, IMHO, is not the same as trying to mold him. It is just me teaching him about me. I wouldn't expect every woman he's been with to be just like me so I'd expect there to be a learning curve.
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A HA! Her examples MAY fall into the category you mention.
 
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Maybe I see the word "mold" differently than you. To me molding is like taking a piece of clay and turning it into something I want it to be like a vase or a cup versus just buying a vase or cup. I'd rather focus on buying the vase I want rather than trying to make the vase I want. Some people would rather make a vase. I just don't have it in me to do that.
 
Molding takes too much work and energy for me I ain't trying to mold no grown a$$ man! Men know right from wrong. There's no way in the world I'm going to let these men fool me into thinking that they don't know any better. OP, don't be dumb. These men know when they are doing something wrong. They are not babies. They know better.
 
Hey Cherrie Pie,

I love thinking about different perspectives and learning about what works for people (especially when thinking about culture).
 
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I am facing this issue with my BF. Dude is clueless. Honestly clueless. Not faking it...he spent so much time alone and checked out living in his own little world, that he doesn know how to act most of the time. Sadly, I feel like I am raising a second child most of the time. I did just learn from my psych why this may be so it is a help.
 
My dear mother ,who's overbearing and bossy ,tried to Mold my dad to her liking ,to be organized ,tidy,into cleaning as much as she is ..(she s done this with me and my brother aswell btw)she wakes him up at 630 with her because she thinks that's the ideal waking up time for Everybody .i ll get to the results quickly ,40 years of marriage my dad is untidy ,ask my mom what he should wear (she always criticized his choices) he doesnt know how to clean and doesnt care for it ,he has to ask fot her permission to go out for a walk in the morning . My opinion is that your man will be picking things up from you as someone who influences his life ,to actually try to make him become someone he s not ,will only lead to frustration and resentment from both parts.I would avoid it and respect the man i ve choosen to be with as he is ,then we can grow and enrich ourselves from each other 's wisdom and skills
 
Rather find a man I didn't have to "mold" than think I could take one and actually even do that at all. So, in short, no.
 
She also points out that, they're like children who NEED structure to succeed (in this case in the relationship.)
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IMO, this line of thinking helps no one, and does nothing to help gender equality (yea, I went there lol) and male-female romantic relationships. It just further breeds the notion that men (GROWN men) have no self control, and will continue to socialize boys, from infancy, that they don't have to try as hard as girls. Which is not normal, IMO, because he is a man....he should be trying HARDER.

Should he know that talking to his ex is not OK or does he need to hear you say, dead it....NOW. LOL
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But I think things like this are subjective. And things like cleaning, cooking, doing things that YOU like that you would like for him to do. Not every woman wants her man to do these things, not every woman gets upset about communicating with exes. Things like that are based on you two's relationship; they aren't set in stone.....especially depending on what point you're at in life. If this is what they mean by 'men are like children', then women (in relationships) are like children, too. Everyone (or at least everyone should try too lol) learns their SO's likes/dislikes. That's not the problem, IMO.

The problem is when men haven't learned how to RESPECT women due to lack of home training. And I ain't got time for that, homie lol.
 
Fine 4s, your friend sounds like a lot of Nigerian women I know :giggle:. All I will say to that it's that it's easier said than done. But it can be done, just depends on how you go about it.
 
I think 2 people in a deep relationship do get "molded" into a third entity, where there is a harmony made of points of weakness and points of strength of each of the 2. I can only see it when there are good intentions and honesty on both parts though. Intention/honesty is important to me, the same action is different if performed with good or bad intentions or laziness (we sometimes focus on what a person does, if the question is WHY he does that, not why in our opinion but why in HIS mind he does that, we often get to know important elements on the sense of a relationship).

As long as you always let a person/man how you feel in some specific circumstances, no matter how obvious it seems to you, that person should get to know you and react getting closer to you with actions. If people "slightly mold" each other (not their principles, not their personalities, but just simple actions) to become both better persons and together a great couple, why not.

The thing with "molding" is: how? It shouldn't be a painful or humiliating process, it should be made with love and good intentions, and it should bring both to a happier place. I think when you feel no patience, in some kind of way you feel like something is already missing and the effort of "explaining" won't change things.
 
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^ Thank you for your perspective Curlykale
When you speak of intentions/honesty....what if these good intentions nevertheless lead to unacceptable behavior whether there was effort or no malice behind the action? Would you be understanding and still work towards compromise or making room for your partner to adjust their behavior?
You know what they say, the road to hell is paved with good intentions....
 
@Fine 4s I personally can see room for work in few areas, but if mistakes keep coming out from nowhere all the time, I find it very hard to see growth and connection. As you said, the majority of that of spontaneous "negotiation" really comes out at the beginning of a relationship when people are choosing each other, so it shouldn't automatically happen anymore at some point (otherwise it's more like an agonizing operation that feels wrong).

As for really unacceptable things, I can't accept them (lol): it really depends on what those things are. People who trust each other can make mistakes and then become better, yes, but unacceptable things are very subjective. I.e.: to me, trust is everything.
 
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Ever heard the sayin "I'll show ya better than I can tell ya?" Well it applies to men as far as what you will or will not accept or expect from them as THE MAN.

I won't be molding a man but I'll train his behind like a puppy. Rub his head and belly, feed em fish, sweet kisses, ego stroking, I appreciate ya babies galore, romantic encounters,yada yada yada so he thinks all my ideas are his. Its a win win situation. LOL
 
I wouldn't try to mold a man cause I wouldn't want a man trying to mold me. You should be free to be you and if you can't be you then rest assured problems will arise at some point.
 
^ I'd argue that you can be yourself but within the context of a relationship. There are just certain things that would be considered disrespectful to my relationship if I were to do them today. However I am using the terms molding/adjusting interchangeably...
 
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