Self-esteem and relationships (help me get one - or both!)

[Glib Gurl]

Okay, so as we've established here, I have some self-esteem issues. Mostly they center around my weight and general feelings of inadequacy about my physicality.

Now, we've all heard it said that you have to love yourself before anyone else will love you. No one will think you're hot if you don't. Etc., etc.

While there's some merit behind that, I don't think it's the end-all-be-all deciding factor. First off, it implies that everyone in a (healthy, stable) relationship has this self-love thing down pat. Well, I know plenty of people with jacked up self-images who find themselves in loving, committed relationships. In fact, its their partner who helps them see the beauty (physical or otherwise) in themselves and helps turn their negativity around.

At the same time, though, I do recognize what a turn off low self-esteem can be because I don't find it attractive in others myself. Plus, I think it opens you up to very unhealthy, abusive relationships.

But, the fact that people look at me like I have three heads when i walk down the street makes me feel very badly. It's hard to walk around thinking your the ish when people treat you like ish. (I know - I'm in charge of my feelings, no one can make me inferior without my consent, yadda yadda yadda.) Plus, no genuine prospect ever really approaches me (although I do get more than my fair share of janitors and bums hollerin' at me ).

So, I guess what I'm saying is that I have a chicken-or-the-egg problem. I have low self-esteem (or really, what I have is bad body image) and I feel that the only way I won't have that is if I find someone who loves me (in spite of these things). But, I won't be able to find anyone who loves me precisely because of my low self-esteem/bad body image.

What is a girl to do???? Seriously. I need advice, tips, strategies . . . something!

Also, I'd really appreciate any stories you ladies can share about how self-image has impacted your relationships or those of people you know.

Thank you

Glib

P.S. - BTW, I realize that the most obvious answer is to lose the weight, put on some makeup, wear nice clothes, etc. I'm working on all of that. The weight part especially will not happen over night. So, unless I plan to just lay low until I'm a smaller size (a strategy I have genuinely considered), I need to know what I can do to cope now. Also, I realize this is hardly just an external problem - the weight is just indicative of other things going on inside.


P.P.S. - BTW, lest anyone think otherwise, I am not fishing for compliments here, nor am I looking for anyone to give me any tough love about fixing my self-esteem. Thanks.

 

[AstroQueen77]

I'm working out this issue as well. I too use to think if someone would just give me the love, I could somehow heal myself. I think were hardwired to think of this solution first above anything else. But, even if you found that person and you get all the feelings you want out of that union....but then just all of a sudden, he says he dosent want to be with me anymore..wouldnt that break my world in two?
It comes down to the same old conclusion. We absolutely can not depend on someone or something outside ourselves to make us feel better about ourselves. It just wont work in the long run (even though you see the most jacked up people in happy relationships..believe me its not the perfect relationship you think it is).
So how do I go about loving myself? This is soo hard, and Im still working on it. But, like you said the first step is taking care of your needs. Losing weight, get into some beauty trends, making sure you spoil yourself and get into a space of being comfortable in your own skin. It seems simple, but that is really the place to start....youll find as your focus shifts to you, people will be attracted to you..and good people, not losers.
This is how I worked it and I got the results above..but that dosent mean Im totally cured of this low self esteem. I still have my bad days...and my partner does too. But, it takes a soft but determined focus...and time unfortunately.

Okay, so as we've established here, I have some self-esteem issues. Mostly they center around my weight and general feelings of inadequacy about my physicality.

Now, we've all heard it said that you have to love yourself before anyone else will love you. No one will think you're hot if you don't. Etc., etc.

While there's some merit behind that, I don't think it's the end-all-be-all deciding factor. First off, it implies that everyone in a (healthy, stable) relationship has this self-love thing down pat. Well, I know plenty of people with jacked up self-images who find themselves in loving, committed relationships. In fact, its their partner who helps them see the beauty (physical or otherwise) in themselves and helps turn their negativity around.

At the same time, though, I do recognize what a turn off low self-esteem can be because I don't find it attractive in others myself. Plus, I think it opens you up to very unhealthy, abusive relationships.

But, the fact that people look at me like I have three heads when i walk down the street makes me feel very badly. It's hard to walk around thinking your the ish when people treat you like ish. (I know - I'm in charge of my feelings, no one can make me inferior without my consent, yadda yadda yadda.) Plus, no genuine prospect ever really approaches me (although I do get more than my fair share of janitors and bums hollerin' at me ).

So, I guess what I'm saying is that I have a chicken-or-the-egg problem. I have low self-esteem (or really, what I have is bad body image) and I feel that the only way I won't have that is if I find someone who loves me (in spite of these things). But, I won't be able to find anyone who loves me precisely because of my low self-esteem/bad body image.

What is a girl to do???? Seriously. I need advice, tips, strategies . . . something!

Also, I'd really appreciate any stories you ladies can share about how self-image has impacted your relationships or those of people you know.

Thank you

Glib

P.S. - BTW, I realize that the most obvious answer is to lose the weight, put on some makeup, wear nice clothes, etc. I'm working on all of that. The weight part especially will not happen over night. So, unless I plan to just lay low until I'm a smaller size (a strategy I have genuinely considered), I need to know what I can do to cope now. Also, I realize this is hardly just an external problem - the weight is just indicative of other things going on inside.


P.P.S. - BTW, lest anyone think otherwise, I am not fishing for compliments here, nor am I looking for anyone to give me any tough love about fixing my self-esteem. Thanks.

 

[intergalacticartist]

You always come up witht he best posts.

bumping for responses

 

[cuteazz1]

I am sorry that you are going through all of this.
I never had a problem finding dates,but,like you,I was meeting a bunch of losers.What helped me was to start "dating myself".

I started to treat myself the way that I wanted a man to treat me.I took myself out to eat,bought myself flowers..Girl,I even wrote myself love letters to tell myself how wonderful I am.I begin to treat myself like the Queen that I am.Everyone thought that I was crazy especially when I went out by myself.I had to remember that I only have 1 life and that I will love myself as best as I can and I will never settle for less than I deserve.
I had to be comfortable having fun alone.If I can't love me then how the heck can I expect someone else to?

I can't sit around waiting for some guy to ask me out.I started to take myself out.I can't wait for Valentines day to get nice perfume.I can't wait till that special evening to wear nice underclothes,or cook a gourmet dinner....I AM MY FIRST LOVE.

This was years ago,but I occasionaly need a refresher.

 

[drasgrl]

Growing up I never got any attention from guys. The only people who told me I was pretty were my parents . I was unanimously voted the ugliest girl in my the fifth grade class by all the boys. I didn't have my first date or kiss until college. Lot's of times I felt like the ugliest person in the world. I thought my God who could ever want to be with me.

I can totally relate. I don't know what the answer is for you but for me getting older just helped me. I used to get very depressed about my looks. Heck I still think I'm ugly but at this point I don't care, it's not the end of the world. Looks aren't everything. I get that now.

I think I have an ok personality. I think I'm funny and smart and I like to have a good time. I'm not a girly girl and have always got a long better with guys. I think they see that I am more like one of the guys (I think so too). A lot of the guys I have gone out with have told me I'm not like any of the girls they know. I'm not a tomboy and know how to wear something sexy so maybe that helped too.

Despite what I felt about myself on the inside I guess I'm pretty good at hiding my true feelings. I didn't walk around looking all depressed (after high school, high school was a whole nother story) At least I tried not to. I think I put on a happy face for the world and that's what people see. Sometimes you really do have to fake it till you make it.

 

[esoterica]

Some people are lucky to find men that treat them wonderfully (even if their behaviour doesn't demand it). However, that luck can often fade and eventually they will be brought back to reality. In general, no matter how hot you are or how desired, those same men that hound you for a date will turn around and treat you like sh!t if you forget your standards for one minute! I learnt that one the hard way. You determine how others treat you. It seems impossible at times but you just gotta fake it till you feel it.

It's hard to pretend that you're feeling like a million bucks when you just want to run away and hide somewhere, but it has to be done. It's a cycle that begins with you, the more positive you project yourself to be, the more positive things will happen. That will eventually boost your confidence a little and spur you on to keep going. Once you start getting attention (because your improved attitude/outlook/vibe/whatever) you'll be happier as a person and it'll seem more normal for you to put your best foot forward at all times.

The whole process can be hard as hell. And that's coming from someone who's never had a weight problem (and therefore no experience of people's prejudice towards that). I can't begin to imagine what you're going through, but I just wanted you to know that you're not alone! Plenty of us have been there and made it through. Slightly different cross maybe but just as heavy. Good luck.

 

[frizzy]

Do you have a church? Whether you do or not, try visiting a different one every Sunday so you can meet a wide variety of people in a safe environment.

Do you have many friends in your life? It sounds like you need a sounding board for your feelings and an ally in your real life.

 

[SEMO]

Do you have a church? Whether you do or not, try visiting a different one every Sunday so you can meet a wide variety of people in a safe environment.

Do you have many friends in your life? It sounds like you need a sounding board for your feelings and an ally in your real life.

Great advice. I concur.

 

[Glib Gurl]

Do you have a church? Whether you do or not, try visiting a different one every Sunday so you can meet a wide variety of people in a safe environment.

I do . . . sort of. I've been attending this small church up the street from me for about a year and a half, but I'm not quite ready to make a commitment to it . . . it's a really *granola* sort of place . . . I would like something with a little more flava . . . but the teaching is good and the people are very nice.

Do you have many friends in your life? It sounds like you need a sounding board for your feelings and an ally in your real life.

I have two outstanding best girlfriends - these ladies are my sisters. But we've been talking about this same crap for years now. After a while all of the whining and complaining gets really old. I guess I'm airing things out here to get some fresh perspectives on things.

Dang, by the time I'm through I will have y'all thinking I'm some manic depressive, two-ton woman who will end up on tv talking to either Jerry Spring or Richard Simmons. *lol*

 

[envybeauty]

I just sent you a msg (email).

 

[envybeauty]

I do . . . sort of. I've been attending this small church up the street from me for about a year and a half, but I'm not quite ready to make a commitment to it . . . it's a really *granola* sort of place . . . I would like something with a little more flava . . . but the teaching is good and the people are very nice.



I have two outstanding best girlfriends - these ladies are my sisters. But we've been talking about this same crap for years now. After a while all of the whining and complaining gets really old. I guess I'm airing things out here to get some fresh perspectives on things.

Dang, by the time I'm through I will have y'all thinking I'm some manic depressive, two-ton woman who will end up on tv talking to either Jerry Spring or Richard Simmons. *lol*

Change the subject every time they bring it up. Negative talk breeds negative energy. There is power in the tongue and if you speak it, it shall come to pass. Don't focus on that stuff when talking with them.

You could try a challenge with them. Where you will all talk positive with each other for 30 days about men, relationships, your future, etc. (and believe it too!). See where you all end up after those 30 days.

 

[tdwillis]

I totally understand what you're saying. I think we've all had to deal with this issue at some time or another in our lives. We all now women who are very beautiful and women that may not be pleasing on the eyes and everything in between. I think the common denominator is low self-esteem in a woman's life at one time or another. It did not dawn on me how to deal with it until I had a baby.
I remember that when I was pregnant with my son, I wanted the absolute best for him even before I birthed him into the world. When you're pregnant, you wish all the best for the new life that is growing inside of you. You never say, I want my child to grow up, be broke, be ugly, have unsuccessful relationships, etc. You want the very best and dream of them doing great things. When I tied that to my relationship with God, I thought, well He must have wanted the same thing for me right? I mean, before I belonged to my parents, He choose me. When I started to tie the two together, I realized that by him choosing me, he wanted the absolute best for me just like I wanted the absolute best for my baby (and even more so). So, from the top of my head to the crusted soles of my feet (I currently need a pedicure-bad), God has equipped me with everything I need to be my absolute best. And that includes all of my physical features-whether I like them or not. I have been married for seven years now, but once I incorporated this into my thinking, my husband didn't have to carry so much of the affection load.
I know weight can be a toughy. I lost 44 lbs. and within the last year, gained back 28. But, I am still gonna be alright. Deal with everything in its' due time.
I don't know you personally, but I have read some of your posts and you seem like a terrific person-everything God intended you to be.
I hope that helps.

 

[carcajada]

So, I guess what I'm saying is that I have a chicken-or-the-egg problem. I have low self-esteem (or really, what I have is bad body image) and I feel that the only way I won't have that is if I find someone who loves me (in spite of these things). But, I won't be able to find anyone who loves me precisely because of my low self-esteem/bad body image.

That person has to be you first. You must love you. It's not a cliche. Losing weight and doing other things to your physical appearance is only the symptom of your issues. Why haven't you gone to a therapist?

 

[Glib Gurl]

That person has to be you first. You must love you. It's not a cliche. Losing weight and doing other things to your physical appearance is only the symptom of your issues. Why haven't you gone to a therapist?

I have been to therapy and I actually found it quite helpful. My doctor and I wrapped up about a year ago . . . . part of the reason is because I came to the realization of what you say above - the fundamental change has to be within me.

 

[cocoberry10]

I think you have to start to see yourself as you are (which I don't think you do). At the very least, if you are going to be critical of yourself, you should be equally able to give yourself props for your strengths/accomplishments.

I've been where you are and I know it's hard to feel bad about yourself. What I want to tell you though is that even if you were always the "pretty girl" or the "popular girl" (as I was), you can still have low self-esteem. I think, like me, you are very hard on yourself. Most high achievers I know are, and this is not good. It's great to be ambitious, it's great to set goals and want to be the best. What is not good is not to love and appreciate yourself.

The reality is that no matter how many people tell you that you are beautiful, wonderful and perfect, if you don't see it, it doesn't matter.

When I was younger, I literally used to think that people told me I was pretty/beautiful b/c they were being nice. And many of these people were complete strangers coming up to me off the street! That was because I had lower self-esteem. And ironically, I grew up in a loving home, where I was surrounded with a loving family and great friends???

At the end of the day, you have to assess yourself fairly and accurately.

I realized that, even if you are a pretty girl, you are never more than another pretty face (as there are many other beautiful women out there).

Some things about yourself you can change (i.e. to an extent weight), but not because it will make you love yourself. Love yourself, and then the things you can change will. Other things you may have to accept about yourself. For example, if you have type 4 hair, you will never have type 2. Or if you have type 2 hair, you probably will not ever be able to wear an afro like this without extensions. There's nothing wrong with either hair type, just like there's nothing wrong with you.

 

[classycrimson]

You are obviously very intelligent. You are a very thoughtful, complex thinker, yet sometimes on the boards it seems like you believe your major problem is your weight/appearance, but are finding other things to solve *until* you solve the weight problem. Seems like your self esteem is very much tied to your appearance, but you want to "table" handling the issue (i.e. in this post you're asking for what else you can do, aside from lose weight and work on your appearance, and that post about finding a "plus sized friendly" doctor..and the posts about dating and how guys respond to bigger women, etc). You realize that in order for you to love yourself and attract someone who loves you, you have to love and accept yourself. If your appearance is something that you cannot accept, now, as-is, then you gotta change it. There's really no tricks or short cuts. But, you gotta figure out a way to love yourself during the journey, not just at the final destination.

I used to think that all I needed to get myself together was a good man. After I found him, he'd help w/ my career, help me get stuff straight, help me organize my life, etc. Where i made the mistake is trying to wait until i found him to feel ok about me. This didnt work, and consequently i always attracted the wrong type of guys, the guys who didnt have it together (cuz of course my prince charming had to have it all together in order to help me out...lol). When I decided to be proud of and to love me now...i mean REALLY...and i found the courage to work on me now...and not just theorize and postulate....and not just giving the concept lip service, that's when I began to get myself into shape, get my life on track, career on track. And lo and behold...the RIGHT type of men began appearing...better job opportunities appeared...more or the things i thought i should have appeared. The process of becoming should be looked at as favorably as "arriving"., Honestly...we should never be stagnant, and should always be in the process of trying to get to the next step. We can love ourselves on the way there, too!

I'm not sure how to tell you to do it...but sometimes youhave to fake it til youmake it....and stop talking about it so much and just DO it. Sometimes we can talk, and think, and talk ourselvces into chasing our tails. All the self help books and brainstorming in the world won't beat an ounce of "DO IT NOW"

Best of luck to you Glib gurl, and God bless! You seem to be a very sweet, very intelligent lady with lots to offer.

 

[scoobygirl]

My thought patterns use to be alot like yours especially when I gained back all the weight I lost several years ago. I went from being the cute girl that got alot of attention to WTH happened girl. For awhile I constantly obsessed about how I looked, avoided social situations, and was very lonely. But after awhile you have to put up or shut up. So I did both

It's great that you're working on your health. Dieting is so hard (and I have a long way to go too) but you must feel great about yourself for these positive steps you are taking? Right? Be proud and happy that you are getting it done.

The second thing is I think it would help if you focused on other things besides yourself. Too much internalizing and self analysis can drive you a bit nuts. Try some new hobbies that interest you, volunteer for a charity, take a dance class or something. If you're out there enjoying yourself you wont have time to even think about the size of your butt or what someone is saying behind your back. You may find happiness in places you didn't expect.

 

[Divine Inspiration]

I have been to therapy and I actually found it quite helpful. My doctor and I wrapped up about a year ago . . . . part of the reason is because I came to the realization of what you say above - the fundamental change has to be within me.

So what has happened in the past year? Have you made any progress?

What are you doing to improve your situation?

 

[amara11]

I have two outstanding best girlfriends - these ladies are my sisters. But we've been talking about this same crap for years now. After a while all of the whining and complaining gets really old. I guess I'm airing things out here to get some fresh perspectives on things.

I really really understand you on this point. Some of the friends I have now are so caught up in the problem that when someone suggests a solution it gets shot down immediately. It's as though they enjoy the woe is me, defeatist position and never truly want to get out of it. I'm all for discussion of the issues but I want solution and action at some point.

I thank God that I have a very diverse group of friends and while I know the type of negative conversation I could stir up with one of them, I also know that I have others who will give me more sound, strategy/solution geared advice and I appreciate them for it.

Hopefully this forum/board will give you the venue to diversify the input you are getting for a more balanced dose of pessimism and optimism.

Meanwhile, I'm staying tuned too!

 

[NYCQT16]

I see you said you went to therapy so I don't know what to say...that was gonna be my suggestion.

 

[Glib Gurl]

I totally understand what you're saying. I think we've all had to deal with this issue at some time or another in our lives. We all now women who are very beautiful and women that may not be pleasing on the eyes and everything in between. I think the common denominator is low self-esteem in a woman's life at one time or another. It did not dawn on me how to deal with it until I had a baby.
I remember that when I was pregnant with my son, I wanted the absolute best for him even before I birthed him into the world. When you're pregnant, you wish all the best for the new life that is growing inside of you. You never say, I want my child to grow up, be broke, be ugly, have unsuccessful relationships, etc. You want the very best and dream of them doing great things. When I tied that to my relationship with God, I thought, well He must have wanted the same thing for me right? I mean, before I belonged to my parents, He choose me. When I started to tie the two together, I realized that by him choosing me, he wanted the absolute best for me just like I wanted the absolute best for my baby (and even more so). So, from the top of my head to the crusted soles of my feet (I currently need a pedicure-bad), God has equipped me with everything I need to be my absolute best. And that includes all of my physical features-whether I like them or not. I have been married for seven years now, but once I incorporated this into my thinking, my husband didn't have to carry so much of the affection load.
I know weight can be a toughy. I lost 44 lbs. and within the last year, gained back 28. But, I am still gonna be alright. Deal with everything in its' due time.
I don't know you personally, but I have read some of your posts and you seem like a terrific person-everything God intended you to be.
I hope that helps.

Thank you so much for your post. The bold text reminds me of this verse -- "[W]hat man is there of you, whom if his son ask bread, will he give him a stone? Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent? If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?" (Matthew 7:9-11)

 

[Glib Gurl]

I just wanted to follow up and say thank you to all of your ladies for your input and advice. I hear you. I really do.

 

[frizzy]

I think you have to start to see yourself as you are (which I don't think you do). At the very least, if you are going to be critical of yourself, you should be equally able to give yourself props for your strengths/accomplishments.

Those are AHA! moment words.

 

[carcajada]

I have been to therapy and I actually found it quite helpful. My doctor and I wrapped up about a year ago . . . . part of the reason is because I came to the realization of what you say above - the fundamental change has to be within me.

But you haven't. If that were true, this thread and others would not exist.

 

[SpiritJunkie]

Glib i don't "know" you but be very happy that these ladies care about you and they are giving you some real good tips.

I know it ain't easy but i'm sure you will feel alot more positive about your self before you know it.

god bless!

 

[Ms Red]

Wow, classycrimson, you really spoke to my heart here. Your post is right on. And so well thought out. Thank you.

You are obviously very intelligent. You are a very thoughtful, complex thinker, yet sometimes on the boards it seems like you believe your major problem is your weight/appearance, but are finding other things to solve *until* you solve the weight problem. Seems like your self esteem is very much tied to your appearance, but you want to "table" handling the issue (i.e. in this post you're asking for what else you can do, aside from lose weight and work on your appearance, and that post about finding a "plus sized friendly" doctor..and the posts about dating and how guys respond to bigger women, etc). You realize that in order for you to love yourself and attract someone who loves you, you have to love and accept yourself. If your appearance is something that you cannot accept, now, as-is, then you gotta change it. There's really no tricks or short cuts. But, you gotta figure out a way to love yourself during the journey, not just at the final destination.

I used to think that all I needed to get myself together was a good man. After I found him, he'd help w/ my career, help me get stuff straight, help me organize my life, etc. Where i made the mistake is trying to wait until i found him to feel ok about me. This didnt work, and consequently i always attracted the wrong type of guys, the guys who didnt have it together (cuz of course my prince charming had to have it all together in order to help me out...lol). When I decided to be proud of and to love me now...i mean REALLY...and i found the courage to work on me now...and not just theorize and postulate....and not just giving the concept lip service, that's when I began to get myself into shape, get my life on track, career on track. And lo and behold...the RIGHT type of men began appearing...better job opportunities appeared...more or the things i thought i should have appeared. The process of becoming should be looked at as favorably as "arriving"., Honestly...we should never be stagnant, and should always be in the process of trying to get to the next step. We can love ourselves on the way there, too!

I'm not sure how to tell you to do it...but sometimes youhave to fake it til youmake it....and stop talking about it so much and just DO it. Sometimes we can talk, and think, and talk ourselvces into chasing our tails. All the self help books and brainstorming in the world won't beat an ounce of "DO IT NOW"

Best of luck to you Glib gurl, and God bless! You seem to be a very sweet, very intelligent lady with lots to offer.