newslady said:
Blessings to you for the encouragement. I try to remind myself there is a reason it's taking so long for me to find the right man/meaningful relationship/eventually marry.
But I'm turning 33 next month and I wanna have kids before I'm 40, I hope!
I haven't been in a committed relationship in 6 years and even then, I was committed, he wasn't.
So I'm trying to look beyond my cirumstances but its not easy.
I will be 30
in a couple of months so I understand how you feel. Please allow me to share this brief testimony:
A few years ago, maybe seven years now, I was looking for someone for the purpose of establishing a long term relationship. All throughout college, I kept my mind on my studies. After I graduated I wanted to find someone, if not to marry, at least to date. I was unable to find anyone through worldly channels since I wasn't the party/clubbin' type and I wasn't active in a church then. I started looking online for men with whom I may have been compatible. I did this for a period of probably two or three years off and on. I would go out on dates and nothing ever seemed to work out. Finally, I became so frustrated that I broke down crying in the bathroom one evening. I had spent thirteen years in primary/secondary school and another four in undergraduate doing "all the right things" and now that I was finished I simply wanted what everyone else had. I felt that I had sacrificed so much to stay focused and on track and now that I wanted companionship it seemed to elude me no matter how hard I tried. Much like Sarah and Abraham, I said "Surely, I can't sit around and expect for a man to find me, I need to be pro-active and post a profile on a couple of the dating sites to see if my match is out there". Match.com, craigslist, blacksingles(?), and a host of others. You name it, and at one point I probably had a profile on the site. I was always careful to be truthful, not wanting to misrepresent what I looked like, what my values and interests were, etc., etc. I sincerely wanted companionship and compatiblity..something that could blossom and grow into romance and possibly marriage. As I mentioned, I got a decent number of responses--people from all races and age groups. I went out on dates with white and blacks alike, not knowing who might end up being "the one" for me. God blessed me with the good fortune to never have met up with any murderers, rapists, etc. but I didn't meet anyone that I could establish a real connection with either. I met nice people, just not the key for my lock (metaphorically, not physically speaking).
So one evening, I had just had enough. I was feeling particularly down and depressed and I just let loose in the bathroom. I cried out to God in an angry, bitter voice. I was
enraged at the fact that I could not find anyone and at the same time extremely sad. I had what could probably be described as an adult version of a temper tantrum. I was angry, and I mean ANGRY with God (not a fact I'm proud of at all but this is the honest truth). I don't know if you have ever been angry with God but I was, and I didn't hold anything back. I let HIM have it right there in the bathroom--yes, ME a lowly sinner telling God off! I felt hurt and betrayed. I felt that I had done my part--that I was doing the best I could and God wasn't holding up HIS end of the bargain.
I have a two year old niece now. Whenever she doesn't get her way, she has a temper tantrum. Sometimes we just let her cry instead of babying her. But I've noticed that this only makes her angrier. First of all, she's mad that she can't have whatever it is that she wants and on top of that she's angry because she thinks no one is paying attention to her.
The very next evening I logged on to my internet account not expecting any messages, but hoping for some. I was shocked to see not one but two men who met my stringent criteria! They were handsome in my opinion, adequately educated, level-headed black men (a difficult find!). But an amazing thing happened to me--God spoke to my spirit in one of the most distinct manners before I even lifted a finger to hit the reply button. It was his voice and I did not doubt it. Do you know what HE told me?
God said:
1). I Hear You.
He said "I heard your cry. I heard you in the bathroom yesterday crying, seething and stomping. I heard you when you told me how lonely you were and your dismay about the path your life seems to be taking. I've been watching you these past few years as you've taken the reins in your hands and driven this chariot as best as you knew how. I heard you, I hear you, I LOVE YOU and I care about how you feel". God is truly merciful, I expected to be struck down with a lighting bolt for my disdainful, sinful behavior but God loved me too much to do that! I don't understand it, but God is truly LOVE. He was willing to overlook my pitiful tantrum so that he could hold me in HIS arms. Lord, your mercy endureth forever and to all generations!
2). Nothing will come of these two potential suitors
The moment I opened my email I knew that after the initial contact, I would never hear from either man again. I knew it from the very depths of my soul and I knew it instantly. I could hear God saying clearly "Nothing will come of this. Do not expect it. This will not lead to romance, marriage, friendship or a relationship. The only reason I have brought these gentlemen to your door is to show you that I am the LORD, the Creator of it all. Do not doubt my ability to provide your every need and supply your every desire." Do you remember when Judas came to betray Jesus and one of his disciples cut off the high priest's ear? What did God say?
"Or do you think that I cannot now pray to My Father, and He will provide Me with more than twelve legions of angels?" Matthew 26:53
Well God sent me a similar message just to prove that all power is in HIS hands. God cared enough about me to reveal himself intimately to me that day. At once, my spirit was quieted and the storm died down. The depression lifted. I went out on a date with one of them and I can't remember what happened with the other one. Just as God told me, nothing came of either one. But I went away not feeling, sad or depressed. I was in awe of the way God could and would speak and how he would lead me through the good and the bad. My last relationship was about two years ago. He was a nice guy and I cared for him a lot, but God took control and told me that I was being led astray. I had a very difficult time with that but I'm glad HE stepped in.
Now I want to say to you:
God hears you. He knows that you are on this forum seeking Christian fellowship and HIS advice through scripture. He knows how old you are and he knows about your desire to start a family. He knows how difficult it is to wait patiently when you don't know what the outcome is going to be. He knows and he cares. HE gave you the ability to become a newswoman and a person of distinct character. You are HIS child and he doesn't want to entrust your heart to just anyone--he won't allow it! Only the best will do for God's own and that includes you. Lastly, I did recall a scripture when I thought about your post:
"But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you" Matthew 6:33
Keeping seeking his face, newslady.
erplexed
