Sah/wives/moms/partners
- Thread starter Ganjababy
- Start date
So my millenial family member sends me a recording she made of her partner telling her that she needs to move out and find her own place.
He has had enough of her sleeping all day and hanging out at the bar at night. He was tired of the messy house. He is a hardworking man and he does not expect much but he thought it was unfair that he has to go and buy dinner after a hard days work while she is out doing karaoke.
She recorded him and said he is being ungrateful.
They have a toddler together. He owns his own home outright (inherited). Blue collar worker. Hardworking but she says he lacks vision. She says she wants better.
She has never worked and is a highschool drop out with 2 kids.
Her mom spoiled her growing up. She was raped at 9 (someone broke into her house) and had mental health issues and was in therapy for years and since then her mom overcompensated and allowed her to do what she wanted. Gave her no direction in life.
Whenever i tried to give guidance the mom says to leave her child alone. She has been through enough. So i did.
But now she is no longer living with her mom she has been asking me for guidance. I am encouraging her to go back to school. Get married. The guy said he wants to marry her but she has nothing to offer.
He has had enough of her sleeping all day and hanging out at the bar at night. He was tired of the messy house. He is a hardworking man and he does not expect much but he thought it was unfair that he has to go and buy dinner after a hard days work while she is out doing karaoke.
She recorded him and said he is being ungrateful.
They have a toddler together. He owns his own home outright (inherited). Blue collar worker. Hardworking but she says he lacks vision. She says she wants better.
She has never worked and is a highschool drop out with 2 kids.
Her mom spoiled her growing up. She was raped at 9 (someone broke into her house) and had mental health issues and was in therapy for years and since then her mom overcompensated and allowed her to do what she wanted. Gave her no direction in life.
Whenever i tried to give guidance the mom says to leave her child alone. She has been through enough. So i did.
But now she is no longer living with her mom she has been asking me for guidance. I am encouraging her to go back to school. Get married. The guy said he wants to marry her but she has nothing to offer.
Last edited:
IslandMummy
Well-Known Member
Are those his children?
KimPossibli
Supergirl
does accommodating rosebud = anal?
he sounds like he is prepping to leave her
but it sound like she may have a case for support.. if they mutually agreed that she should stay home.
I don't think SAH partners should necessarily be responsible for domestic duties so I don't have any comment on that specifically, but it does sound like your family member would benefit from continued therapy and/ or medication
he sounds like he is prepping to leave her
but it sound like she may have a case for support.. if they mutually agreed that she should stay home.
I don't think SAH partners should necessarily be responsible for domestic duties so I don't have any comment on that specifically, but it does sound like your family member would benefit from continued therapy and/ or medication
Leeda.the.Paladin
Well-Known Member
Hmm, well, that situation doesn't sound like most SAH folks I know.
Whether or not the contribution is worth it should be based on both people in the relationship, and what they've agreed to.
As for my house, I am well appreciated and pull my weight in the way of homeschooling, house cleaning, cooking, gardening and other minor household maintenance. In return, my husband provides a good income, does some daily household chores and does the heavy chores/maintenance. We both provide each other with companionship/love.
I know SAHM/W that do very little beyond being a good companion for their working partner, and the partner is fine with that.
I wouldn't recommend the people in your situation get married. She sounds like she needs to get herself together and marriage won't necessarily help that. Out every night, all night with a toddler at home and no job? I don't blame him for being fed up.
Whether or not the contribution is worth it should be based on both people in the relationship, and what they've agreed to.
As for my house, I am well appreciated and pull my weight in the way of homeschooling, house cleaning, cooking, gardening and other minor household maintenance. In return, my husband provides a good income, does some daily household chores and does the heavy chores/maintenance. We both provide each other with companionship/love.
I know SAHM/W that do very little beyond being a good companion for their working partner, and the partner is fine with that.
I wouldn't recommend the people in your situation get married. She sounds like she needs to get herself together and marriage won't necessarily help that. Out every night, all night with a toddler at home and no job? I don't blame him for being fed up.
Why did your mind have to go there? How would i know if they did anal?
maybe i should reword that
i was trying not to be vulgar because i am naturally vulgar lol.
maybe i should reword that i was trying not to be vulgar because i am naturally vulgar lol.
Last edited:
The baby is his. Her older child is for another man and her mom takes care of him.
I think he wants her to want more for herself!
He is probably amazed that the life she is choosing is satisfactory to herself!
If she did things that were more productive to her well being; her home and her community, I'm sure he would have less of a problem with her.
You can't make people want more for themselves unfortunately.....
I really don't think he would mind fully supporting her - but he doesn't really like her. 'who she is' THAT is the problem.
He is probably amazed that the life she is choosing is satisfactory to herself!
If she did things that were more productive to her well being; her home and her community, I'm sure he would have less of a problem with her.
You can't make people want more for themselves unfortunately.....
I really don't think he would mind fully supporting her - but he doesn't really like her. 'who she is' THAT is the problem.
FearlessNik
Well-Known Member
She sounds like a bumb *****. She says he lacks vision and wants better but she has never worked and is a high school drop out with 2 kids? GTFOH. Just from what you wrote she sounds like she wants a Sugar Daddy. Is she doing anything to better herself?
With that being said...
I was a SAHW (no kids) for 2 years. I kept the house clean, food prepped, and my husband's uniform prepped. The expectations and roles is something that couples need to talk about more.
With that being said...
I was a SAHW (no kids) for 2 years. I kept the house clean, food prepped, and my husband's uniform prepped. The expectations and roles is something that couples need to talk about more.
DarkJoy
Bent. Not Broken.
She's not raising her first child? oh. Father not in the picture either? Goodness.
She obviously has sexual abuse issues which need handling above all else because most of her problems seem to stem from that.
its probably over with this bd because he mighy not be willing to wait the years it will take to get her life together.
when i was a sahm i spent a lot of time socializing my baby and toddler with mothers meetup groups, cooking every meal, cleaning, gardening everything.
What does she mean when she says he lacks vision? Does she have a vision for herself? It doesn't sound like it. Has it ever occurred to her that maybe he does have vision, but he can't move forward with it because her lack of contributions to their household leaves him little time to do anything else? She sounds selfish and lazy. Underneath all that she is probably battling depression. It sounds like she is still dealing with the effects of the rape.
Frankly, he wouldn't be missing much if she moved out. In fact, he might be better off.
I'm a SAHM and I don't think I could live my life the way your family member is living hers and have a clear conscious. I handle most things related to the house (cooking, cleaning, all shopping, help kids with homework, after school activities, field trips, parent/teacher conferences,classroom parent, etc...). Occasionally, I take the vehicle I drive to get cleaned if he doesn't have time, I take care of the flower beds in our yard, but I do NOT mow the lawn. That's not my thing. I'm sure I do more, but it escapes me right now. All of that is a full-time job for me. My husband's job is stressful and demanding. As his partner, I don't want him to come home to a messy home, kids needing help with homework, no food on the stove, etc... I want him to feel like our home is a place he can unwind and not go from dealing with stress on the job to dealing with stress because I'm not pulling my weight.
Frankly, he wouldn't be missing much if she moved out. In fact, he might be better off.
I'm a SAHM and I don't think I could live my life the way your family member is living hers and have a clear conscious. I handle most things related to the house (cooking, cleaning, all shopping, help kids with homework, after school activities, field trips, parent/teacher conferences,classroom parent, etc...). Occasionally, I take the vehicle I drive to get cleaned if he doesn't have time, I take care of the flower beds in our yard, but I do NOT mow the lawn. That's not my thing. I'm sure I do more, but it escapes me right now. All of that is a full-time job for me. My husband's job is stressful and demanding. As his partner, I don't want him to come home to a messy home, kids needing help with homework, no food on the stove, etc... I want him to feel like our home is a place he can unwind and not go from dealing with stress on the job to dealing with stress because I'm not pulling my weight.
Evolving78
Well-Known Member
I take care of the home and the children. I run them to school and handle all of their appointments. I do the shopping and make sure we have daily essentials. I don't cook like I used to for him, since he is picky and likes to cook for himself. I just buy what he likes to cook. I also freelance on the side, renewing my professional license, and I'm in school.
She seems depressed.
She seems depressed.
Evolving78
Well-Known Member
You are right. Being at home is tough. A lot is expected of you and you have to be self motivated. Everybody isn't capable of being at home. I'm around my children 24/7. You have to have a routine. Couples don't really sit down and talk about what their expectations are on both ends.
Going back to school and taking care of the home is hard!
She has to really decide if being at home is something she really wants to do. She seems stuck. She does have a lot of support. She could be like me and have none.
She needs to see that she is the lady of the house and she needs to think about how she wants her home and family to be presented.
I hope it works out. She should talk to a therapist too. She is still stuck in victim mode. I understand that too.
LostInAdream
Well-Known Member
I've been at home for 4 years now. I have an almost 4 year old, have been in school this whole time and its hard work. There's barely time for DH. It took a long time to get in a good flow but it constantly changes as life does.
I have to take care of all areas of the house, cooking, cleaning, shopping, school work and on top of that engaging DD at all times. I've had her in a private Preschool part time the past year and it helps me tremendously.
I love the roles in my situation and it's working for us. That said this life ain't for everybody and it's very selfish to not contribute in some way other than sexual in this arrangement. Unless of course that was agreed upon at first. It seems as though there wasnt a discussion of who does what just an assumption that benefits your cousin.
I have to take care of all areas of the house, cooking, cleaning, shopping, school work and on top of that engaging DD at all times. I've had her in a private Preschool part time the past year and it helps me tremendously.
I love the roles in my situation and it's working for us. That said this life ain't for everybody and it's very selfish to not contribute in some way other than sexual in this arrangement. Unless of course that was agreed upon at first. It seems as though there wasnt a discussion of who does what just an assumption that benefits your cousin.
Supervixen
Well-Known Member
I had to grow into being a sahw/m. It was never something I considered for myself. At first, just as a sahw, I loved it. All I had to do was workout, have a healthy dinner prepared, clean up and iron my husband's uniforms?!? GUCCI! I got that!
Adding two little ones 19 Months apart was overwhelming. The baby is almost a year and I'm still adjusting. In as much, I am so thankful to my husband for his foresight--suggesting and allowing me to be with our girls was the greatest gift I never knew I wanted nor needed.
Now, I've realized that being married doesn't make a woman a wife nor a man a husband. There are specific behaviors I believe that make husbands and wives. Your cousin sounds like she's not aware of her end of the bargain.
Edited for misspellings.
Adding two little ones 19 Months apart was overwhelming. The baby is almost a year and I'm still adjusting. In as much, I am so thankful to my husband for his foresight--suggesting and allowing me to be with our girls was the greatest gift I never knew I wanted nor needed.
Now, I've realized that being married doesn't make a woman a wife nor a man a husband. There are specific behaviors I believe that make husbands and wives. Your cousin sounds like she's not aware of her end of the bargain.
Edited for misspellings.
Last edited:
FlowerHair
Reclaiming my time
How old is she?
In normal cases, people agree on the terms before they move in/marry etc.
In this case, it seems that they just moved in together, she got pregnant and now he wants her out.
She should invest in herself and get an education, just like you so wisely advised her. Hopefully, she'll find a job after that to support herself. Whether or not her man wants to marry her at that point is anyone's guess, but I wouldn't count on it.
In normal cases, people agree on the terms before they move in/marry etc.
In this case, it seems that they just moved in together, she got pregnant and now he wants her out.
She should invest in herself and get an education, just like you so wisely advised her. Hopefully, she'll find a job after that to support herself. Whether or not her man wants to marry her at that point is anyone's guess, but I wouldn't count on it.
Evolving78
Well-Known Member
This is it. Sounds like it's time to get a plan and move on. At least she has support from her mom.