Rules & Must Haves before Starting a Long Distance Relationship

[LoveHairGirl]

Hello Ladies,

I need some answers for my cuz because chic is annoying me to the fullest with questions (esp since she knows I read this forum)...the problem is I don't really have very much on this matter so here goes!

She has been asked to have a long distance relationship with a college friend from the past that she always regarded as the one that got away. The thing now is they are from two different countries and have not physically seen each other (other than in pics) for the past 5 years but he says that he is willing to risk their friendship over this. He is fine with traveling and is well accomplished career wise (and still single...just been dating and a few relationships over the years). He made this offer to her after hearing about the split between her and the SO that prevented them from having a relationship in the past so I understand why this situation is so stressful and exciting for her.

Anyway she asked him for some time to think about this but I think she expects me to tell her questions to ask him and rules she needs to set before making a commitment.....any thoughts ladies ? (or I may have tomy girl)

Thanks in advance !

 

[Windsy]

What countries….how great is the distance.

Some considerations:

-travelling costs adds up….depending on their respective countries, it could be extremely costly.
-time zone differences
-LDRs are extremely hard and it requires a lot of patience, dedication and a heck of an open mind when it comes to trust.


Expectations to set:
-frequency of visits
-frequency of calls, email, text, etc.

 

[LoveHairGirl]

What countries….how great is the distance.

Some considerations:

-travelling costs adds up….depending on their respective countries, it could be extremely costly.
-time zone differences
-LDRs are extremely hard and it requires a lot of patience, dedication and a heck of an open mind when it comes to trust.


Expectations to set:
-frequency of visits
-frequency of calls, email, text, etc.

Thank you for the response! Grenada and Bahamas are the countries, the financial aspect of this she has come to be ok with that from what I understand but she is worried about how to start a convo with him about what she is looking for in a relationship and things that she will not accept (and avoid wasting her time) without seeming controlling or bossy. I kinda cant relate to this because I made these known over a series of the first few dates with a man but she does not have the luxury of that because of the distance ...so she asked me if on the first trip she should breakdown her thoughts...OR Break it down before making the commitment and prior to the first trip...or don't make a commitment until they have the first trip and hash it out then. My thought was the last option but I don't know .

 

[Windsy]

Don't make the commitment UNTIL it's hashed out.

I say put it out there BEFORE the first trip and see how it's received.

 

[chocolat79]

Also, I've found that there has to be an expiration date, so to speak. Like, how long until they can/will be together if they choose to go down that path? What sacrifices are willing to be made to make it work? There is a lot to consider, especially since they haven't seen/interacted with each other in such a long time. Communication is key and also the hardest sometimes.

 

[Nayeli]

I think one of the first things that needs to be addressed is each understanding the enormity of the beast that is an LDR. It appears as if both parties are willing to commit and that is often the primary step - the willingness to be all the way in it. When there's that mutual understanding, a groove develops that kind of eliminates the need for several rules. If I were in her shoes, here are some of the things I'd keep in mind:

Trust - trust is an LDR's axis of rotation. Period. You mentioned that she knew him in college so I imagine the odds are in her favor because they already have a relationship of sorts. They should speak about continuously being open with each other. The distance will already put strain on the rel/ship - they don't need any "hiding the ball," "not saying what you mean" that persons in normal relationships can afford.

They need to have a concrete idea of how often they will be seeing each other - this not only creates a sense of normalcy in the rel/ship but it tends to ease the frustration of not being able to see the other person more often.

I agree with chocolat 200% when she refers to the expiration date. I am all for taking it one day at a time, but before they even make the commitment, both need to wrap their minds around how long they expect to be in an LDR - that expectation will weigh heavily on whether or not they can commit. If it is not apparent to them that they expect to be either married or in a permanent relationship after xyz amount of time, then they should talk about what they are both hoping to get out of the rel/ship.

These are the three things I would speak about upfront, even before the trip is made. I think that couples who are both made for each other and made for an LDR end up ironing out all the other little nicks and knacks unconsciously as time goes by.

 

[Katherina]

ETA: ^^^ Agreed

My tips:

1. Communication. Learn to resolve arguments quickly and cleanly. They do not want to have issues communicating on top of not being there in person.

2. Agree on what "quality time" means and do it enough so that both of them are fulfilled. Skype, phone, etc. Expect it to be very difficult and lonely at times. Her potential SO needs to be sensitive to her needs.

3. Visits. My ex and I visited each other usually monthly. We were both very busy but made time. They need to decide what frequency is beneficial for their particular relationship.

4. Trust. This may be the number one thing. My ex and I completely trusted each other. Ish happens and trust is crucial. Regular ups and downs will be amplified.

5. Physical stuff vs mental connection. If his or her interest is mainly physical, this relationship will be unstable. The two of them need to have a foundation as friends.

6. Have a plan. One of them should plan to move to the other's location within a reasonable (to be determined by the two of them) time period. If there's strong doubt about this, maybe the relationship should end.

7. Fun stuff. My ex and I had a few movie nights - aka watching a movie while on skype . We played games on instant messenger, etc. He sent me flowers quite frequently, and I did random stuff like ordered him delivery when he didn't feel like cooking.

I thought of these off the top of my head. There's a lot more, but mainly, if the two of them are committed, mature, and in love, they will be fine.