sunshinebeautiful
Well-Known Member
Has anyone ever gone to relationship counseling pre- or post-marriage? Were either you or SO wary about seeking counseling? How did you find that it benefitted your relationship?
relationship counseling
- Thread starter sunshinebeautiful
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nychaelasymone
Well-Known Member
It opened up an entirely new world for us. Counseling allowed us to effectively communicate all the issues we were unable to verbally or physically get the other to understand.
Everything Zen
Well-Known Member
MisterMan and I are going to be doing this soon... 
sunshinebeautiful
Well-Known Member
Hmmm.... not a lot of responses. I can personally testify to the huge difference that individual counseling has made in my life as far as facilitating my own personal growth. I would absolutely welcome the experience in terms of working out the kinks in a relationship, especially if we were headed towards marriage. It's like having an "interpreter" there when you aren't communicating very well or exactly seeing eye to eye.
Everything Zen
Well-Known Member
Hmmm.... not a lot of responses. I can personally testify to the huge difference that individual counseling has made in my life as far as facilitating my own personal growth. I would absolutely welcome the experience in terms of working out the kinks in a relationship, especially if we were headed towards marriage. It's like having an "interpreter" there when you aren't communicating very well or exactly seeing eye to eye.
Man!! I know I need to keep up with it. I keep punking out!!!!!!!!!
I am a serious mess. MisterMan has already gone through individual counseling and we're not going to start couples until I go through my own individual counseling.
sunshinebeautiful
Well-Known Member
Man!! I know I need to keep up with it. I keep punking out!!!!!!!!!
I am a serious mess. MisterMan has already gone through individual counseling and we're not going to start couples until I go through my own individual counseling.
You just changed your screen name on me?
Girl, go ahead and make that appointment. OT, I think it's sexy and responsible that a man goes into counseling to get himself together, because a lot of men won't go without being clubbed over the head. Sounds like you found yourself a keeper.
Everything Zen
Well-Known Member
You just changed your screen name on me?
Girl, go ahead and make that appointment. OT, I think it's sexy and responsible that a man goes into counseling to get himself together, because a lot of men won't go without being clubbed over the head. Sounds like you found yourself a keeper.
Yeah. At first I was like I don't care if I use my real name as my screen name. Then I was like- hmmm not very smart for such a usually smart person...
sunshinebeautiful
Well-Known Member
I feel you.
Everything Zen
Well-Known Member
Question Sunshine- if you don't mind answering,
How long were you in counseling? I have tried multiple times but one of the first people just listened to me talk without any real counseling and then it turned out (oh 7 sessions later) she was not covered by my insurance- can you say CC debt? I think another part of it for me is that I was a crisis center counselor for years through college so I feel like I already know what they'er going to say. I just went to one session a few weeks ago but dude was way to pushy on the Christian thing and I didn't feel comfortable talking to an old white man about my molestation and intimacy woes. I'm moving in two months so I'm hoping I will find a stable place to undergo treatment once I get there.
How long were you in counseling? I have tried multiple times but one of the first people just listened to me talk without any real counseling and then it turned out (oh 7 sessions later) she was not covered by my insurance- can you say CC debt? I think another part of it for me is that I was a crisis center counselor for years through college so I feel like I already know what they'er going to say. I just went to one session a few weeks ago but dude was way to pushy on the Christian thing and I didn't feel comfortable talking to an old white man about my molestation and intimacy woes. I'm moving in two months so I'm hoping I will find a stable place to undergo treatment once I get there.
sunshinebeautiful
Well-Known Member
Oh, that sucks to find out that the counseling was not covered by insurance way after the fact.
Well, let me say something... I'm about 1 year away from being a full-fledged psychologist... I "know" a lot about what they're about to say, but I feel like counseling has still helped me a lot. Sometimes it's easy to know what to do in an intellectual sense, but you still need emotional support and an objective, listening ear, and that's what counseling provides for me. Along with some accountability so I don't keep "dealing with it later."
It sounds weird, but as much as I believe in therapy and support it for others, it was extra hard to reach out and start counseling. I had to hit my own "rock bottom" as far as debilitating depression for me to finally seek help. I now know not to let it get that bad before I continue therapy.
However, once I started making it a part of my routine, I can really see how much it helps. Sometimes I go in and cry it out for an 45 mins... and you know what... I wouldn't have gotten that opportunity at any other point in my week because I'm trying so hard to stay "strong" that I deny when situations are rightfully effed up. Just in denial, girl. I'd come in talking about my week was great and then end up crying my eyes out.
I've been in counseling, off and on, for the past 3 years. We've dealt with everything from depression, to sexual assault to intimacy issues to self esteem to family and relationship issues. Since I'm still in grad school, my counseling has been covered by free resources on campus. I'm using the rest of my time to get all the free therapy I can get my hands on.
But yeah, check with your insurance. I know they vary, but mine covers like 20-something counseling sessions, which enables me to go at least every other week without incurring any huge expenses out of pocket.
OK, I'm going to stop talking now.
ETA: Find a counselor that works for you. I wouldn't be comfortable with a Christian-based counselor nor a White man, much less that total package LOL, so I wouldn't go to one. You're paying your money, so interview them. Ask them what their areas of expertise are because all counselors aren't good at all things. If you need to go to a specialist, as I did with the sexual assault and trauma stuff, then ask for recommendations from their colleagues. If you don't like their approach, fire them.
Initially thought I would be most comfortable with a Black therapist, but you know what, I've been working with a White woman for years now, and it has been the best thing for me. She knows her stuff and it shows.
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Everything Zen
Well-Known Member
Oh, that sucks to find out that the counseling was not covered by insurance way after the fact.
Well, let me say something... I'm about 1 year away from being a full-fledged psychologist... I "know" a lot about what they're about to say, but I feel like counseling has still helped me a lot. Sometimes it's easy to know what to do in an intellectual sense, but you still need emotional support and an objective, listening ear, and that's what counseling provides for me. Along with some accountability so I don't keep "dealing with it later."
It sounds weird, but as much as I believe in therapy and support it for others, it was extra hard to reach out and start counseling. I had to hit my own "rock bottom" as far as debilitating depression for me to finally seek help. I now know not to let it get that bad before I continue therapy.
However, once I started making it a part of my routine, I can really see how much it helps. Sometimes I go in and cry it out for an 45 mins... and you know what... I wouldn't have gotten that opportunity at any other point in my week because I'm trying so hard to stay "strong" that I deny when situations are rightfully effed up. Just in denial, girl. I'd come in talking about my week was great and then end up crying my eyes out.
I've been in counseling, off and on, for the past 3 years. We've dealt with everything from depression, to sexual assault to intimacy issues to self esteem to family and relationship issues. Since I'm still in grad school, my counseling has been covered by free resources on campus. I'm using the rest of my time to get all the free therapy I can get my hands on.
But yeah, check with your insurance. I know they vary, but mine covers like 20-something counseling sessions, which enables me to go at least every other week without incurring any huge expenses out of pocket.
OK, I'm going to stop talking now.
ETA: Find a counselor that works for you. I wouldn't be comfortable with a Christian-based counselor nor a White man, much less that total package LOL, so I wouldn't go to one. You're paying your money, so interview them. Ask them what their areas of expertise are because all counselors aren't good at all things. If you need to go to a specialist, as I did with the sexual assault and trauma stuff, then ask for recommendations from their colleagues. If you don't like their approach, fire them.
Congratulations!!!
I think we need more black counselors in order ot get over the stigma in our culture about counseling and therapy. I'm actually thinking about going back to grad school for psychology as well. Thank you for the advice. I guess I just need to do some more homework. I'm going to get it together one way or another and like you said I'm tired of dealing with the same issues over and over. I'm finally with the love of my life and I don't need to bring my garbage into the relationship. I'm the same way when it comes to supporting other people and therapy when I'm walking around like a hot mess.
sunshinebeautiful
Well-Known Member
Congratulations!!!
Thank you for the advice. I guess I just need to do some more homework. I'm going to get it together one way or another and like you said I'm tired of dealing with the same issues over and over. I'm finally with the love of my life and I don't need to bring my garbage into the relationship. I'm the same way when it comes to supporting other people and therapy when I'm walking around like a hot mess.
And there is a HUGE stigma, as if therapy is for White folks. I really don't talk about this with my family or friends unless I know they're in therapy too.
You have a great point about finally getting rid of the garbage. I partially started this thread because I think I may have found mine too... and I'm hoping he will come to therapy with me, if need be.
I was really hoping that the ladies could speak to the positive power of relationship counseling.
Everything Zen
Well-Known Member
And there is a HUGE stigma, as if therapy is for White folks. I really don't talk about this with my family or friends unless I know they're in therapy too.
You have a great point about finally getting rid of the garbage. I partially started this thread because I think I may have found mine too... and I'm hoping he will come to therapy with me, if need be.
I was really hoping that the ladies could speak to the positive power of relationship counseling.
Personally I think that all couples should go to therapy before getting married and maybe even from time to time after that.
STLCoverGirl
New Member
I went with my ex, and I think it can be helpful(if both parties can be honest...but that's a whole nother thread, lol). One warning, after the first couple of sessions you all may leave there fighting more than usual or angry with each other.
It can be hard to hear all the issues laid out on the table and how your partner REALLY feels. I wish someone had prepared me for that aspect of it. It's like "oh, I never knew you didn't like the way I do such-n-such".
After our first session my ex felt bombarded and overwhelmed, we drove there together and he was soo angry he chose to walk home, lol. It does get better, just prepare yourself to hear it all and know that it will help you communicate better with each other...hopefully.
It can be hard to hear all the issues laid out on the table and how your partner REALLY feels. I wish someone had prepared me for that aspect of it. It's like "oh, I never knew you didn't like the way I do such-n-such".
After our first session my ex felt bombarded and overwhelmed, we drove there together and he was soo angry he chose to walk home, lol. It does get better, just prepare yourself to hear it all and know that it will help you communicate better with each other...hopefully.
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sunshinebeautiful
Well-Known Member
I went with my ex, and I think it can be helpful(if both parties can be honest...but that's a whole nother thread, lol). One warning, after the first couple of sessions you all may leave there fighting more than usual or angry with each other.
It can be hard to hear all the issues laid out on the table and how your partner REALLY feels. I wish someone had prepared me for that aspect of it. It's like "oh, I never knew you didn't like the way I do such-n-such".
After our first session my ex felt bombarded and overwhelmed, we drove there together and he was soo angry he chose to walk home, lol. It does get better, just prepare yourself to hear it all and know that it will help you communicate better with each other...hopefully.
This is a good point. I think what you're talking about is part of the therapeutic process. Sometimes it gets "worse" before it gets better. When I first started individual counseling, I would leave there a teary-eyed mess, and have to go home and cry some more. Eventually though the tide started to turn where I started feeling better.
I imagine it must be really hard to hear all of the negative things about yourself from the person you love....
Everything Zen
Well-Known Member
I know right?
I feel like we're both pretty honest already so it's scary to think we could open up a huge can of worms. 
erplexed