Reformed Runners

GreenEyedJen

GreenEyedJen

Well-Known Member
I always run from a good thing, relationship-wise. Last night, this guy I'm dating became "my man". While we weren't exclusive, I was sooooooo excited about him. Today, I can already tell I'm starting to make excuses for why we shouldn't be together. Thing is, there really is no reason for me to be questioning anything at this point. He's literally what I've been waiting for my whole life.

From our first date, we've spoken of our energies being in sync. When we're in the same room the magnetism between us is almost tangible. This morning, he made me breakfast and while I was eating, he started laughing and said that I'm shook now. Then he kept telling me to "use my words". I appreciated that he kept it light-hearted but I'm upset with myself for even putting that uncertain energy in the atmosphere.

Anyway, I really don't want to mess up a good thing. Any ladies out here that have successfully reformed from a runner to a "stayer"? How did you do it?
 
GreenEyedJen said:
I always run from a good thing, relationship-wise. Last night, this guy I'm dating became "my man". While we weren't exclusive, I was sooooooo excited about him. Today, I can already tell I'm starting to make excuses for why we shouldn't be together. Thing is, there really is no reason for me to be questioning anything at this point. He's literally what I've been waiting for my whole life.

From our first date, we've spoken of our energies being in sync. When we're in the same room the magnetism between us is almost tangible. This morning, he made me breakfast and while I was eating, he started laughing and said that I'm shook now. Then he kept telling me to "use my words". I appreciated that he kept it light-hearted but I'm upset with myself for even putting that uncertain energy in the atmosphere.

Anyway, I really don't want to mess up a good thing. Any ladies out here that have successfully reformed from a runner to a "stayer"? How did you do it?
Click to expand...
I don't get the bolded?
 
Self sabotage is very common in women. The whole "this is to good to be true" feeling. Usually rooted in not having self confidence, or trust issues that keep rolling into each relationship and being added to with each failure.
I too would suggest talking to a professional. Self sabotage can start to manifest in other areas of your life as well so it would be best to understand it and tackle it as soon as possible.
 
I'm pretty sure it's a fear of failure for me, plus I never wanted to settle down or have kids until after I lost my father. I would turn my nose up at the thought of compromise or sharing. The whole "wanting" to be committed is a new feeling in itself.
 
At least you're not the runaway bride! :)

I echo talking with a professional. You seem to have commitment issues. You're already ahead by admitting you have a problem. Luckily, yours is fixable.
 
Fear of intimacy, being vulnerable to the degree that u need to be in order to have a successful longterm relationship
He seems to have the patience for u, which is really sweet

If u trust him tell him a lil bit about how u feel. See how he responds. Aside from speaking w a therapist, u stil hav to be able to deal w your man
 
biznesswmn said:
Fear of intimacy, being vulnerable to the degree that u need to be in order to have a successful longterm relationship
He seems to have the patience for u, which is really sweet

If u trust him tell him a lil bit about how u feel. See how he responds. Aside from speaking w a therapist, u stil hav to be able to deal w your man
Click to expand...


Thank you. And it really was that simple. I have no qualms about therapy and have mental health professionals in my family, so I never thought therapy was "taboo" like a lot of Black folk. But you're exactly right. I need to make sure he and I are okay as I deal with whatever **** I have within myself--I don't want to lose him.

We had a conversation last night and he told me that he felt my anxious energy, and reading me is like reading tea leaves. Part of it, something that I didn't put in my first post, is that I felt we really like jumped into being "exclusive", but it felt right for both of us. I just got freaked out by putting a title on something that was already there. Anyway, I let him know he was totally feeling my anxious energy correctly, and I don't want him to think that it's because I don't want to be with him, because that's not it. It just takes time for me to open up get comfortable.

He responded very positively and let me know we can work on it together. He told me I really didn't have anything to worry about. I can just be around without talking to him, if that's what I feel like doing. :lachen: I know that might not be ideal for some people, but I love being able to be in the same place as an SO and not feel the need to entertain them all the time.

I think he really gets "me" and like I said, he's really an amazing person. Last night made me feel better about the whole situation and I'm hopeful that this might be the one time I don't run.
 
Still a runner...
I just wanted to say not to put too much stock in the 'magnetism'
It's good but not always a sign that it's the right one. Just a thought...
 
Fine 4s said:
Still a runner...
I just wanted to say not to put too much stock in the 'magnetism'
It's good but not always a sign that it's the right one. Just a thought...
Click to expand...

Thanks. I'm not. Besides the unspoken connection, I like him because:
  1. He's educated (we're both attorneys...I'm not practicing)
  2. He's well connected (close relationship with the governor of our state--we're both in public positions)
  3. He's young (31)
  4. He has no kids
  5. He's chocolate :blush: and tall :blush::blush: and basically just fine AF
  6. His parents are together and he respects that
  7. He's healthy
  8. He believes in traditional gender roles
  9. We have the same interests outside of work...
I could go on and on and on. The reason why the magnetism is so important to me is because that's what's usually lacking in the guys I meet. It's like every guy I meet that has something going for him is boring AF. I can count on one hand the amount of guys I've really felt a chemistry with. They don't get my wild side. He does and he's cool with it. Plus I can bring him to meet my family and know that they'll approve.

I mentioned that I lost my dad. I was a daddy's girl through and through. One of the many things he told me is not to date someone you can't see yourself marrying. You don't have to want to marry them, but if you don't see them as that type of person, it's not worth it. This is the first guy I've dated that I can see a real future with. I'm hella excited, but scared too.
 
OP it sounds like you know and are getting exactly what you want and need in a man, congrats! There's a really good book called The Seven Levels of Intimacy. It will help you be more vulnerable with him in addition to potentially speaking with a professional.

Good luck.
 
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