Realistic view on dating and relationships?

[CurlyMoo]

I have always thought the best relationships begin when both parties are single and unattached. No baggage, complications nor drama. Now I know that's a bunch of hog wash. Most people are already in some kind of romantic/sexual relationship before they meet and fall in love with someone else that suits them better. And oftentimes these relationships overlap and the next relationship is the long-term love they wanted. In fact the drama is the spice that adds fuel to the fire and makes the person feel like they fought to get a good thing and won.

I also know for a FACT that many people are not WHOLE before they meet the other whole that makes a complete package. You know the Oprah ideal. Oftentimes, we meet someone who gives us what we lack, like security, family, logic, etc. And some people are just one big happy mess.

What are your realities that you have learned regarding dating and relationships? Reality vs the myths.

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

Ugly, fat, unintelligent people with zero personalities are in happy relationships too. Love is sometimes just luck. *shrug*

 

[Fine 4s]

Too scared to say lol
But what you've stated, I also believe.

 

[DarkJoy]

Child, you posting that in Unicorn-topia? OK

However, yea, mine are the same as your OP plus, he should have strengths that fill in my weaknesses and vice versa. However, if we have the same weaknesses, I see no problem in working on strengthening them together.

 

[CurlyMoo]

Too scared to say lol
But what you've stated, I also believe.

Be brave!!!!!

 

[MsKinkycurl]

It's the things that aren't on your list that make a relationship something special.

 

[fmnnity]

Most people are not married to their soul mate. No matter how many times they say it out loud they just aren't. And most people do not know that not being married to your soul mate is just fine.

 

[CaraWalker]

i really dont have any, to be honest. the only thing ive learned about dating is that a man will hang around purely out of convenience and nothing deeper than that.

i dont believe that most people are in transit from one relationship to another though. thats almost never true for me, anyway. i dont look for new relationships while im still reeling from the last one. just casual dating

 

[CurlyMoo]

Most people are not married to their soul mate. No matter how many times they say it out loud they just aren't. And most people do not know that not being married to your soul mate is just fine.

And many people have divorced, dumped, and done dirty their "soul mates."

 

[kaykari]

And many people have divorced, dumped, and done dirty their "soul mates."

Why did I read this as divorced, done dirty humped their "soul mates."

 

[CarefreeinChicago]

I a have learned there are way more available bw than BM. It is what it is and I can't do anything about the numbers.

 

[ChasingBliss]

Most people are not married to their soul mate. No matter how many times they say it out loud they just aren't. And most people do not know that not being married to your soul mate is just fine.

Anyone that comes into your life and causes you to look deep into yourself no matter how painful it is...is your soulmate. And you have more than one. Too many people think a soulmate brings pure blissful happiness and nothing else.

Your soulmate will bring your insecurities that you've deeply hidden, to the surface and open old wounds making them raw again. The lesson is to heal properly...even if that person did you dirty and stepped off, he/she was still your soulmate if it changed you for the better in any way.

As for the op, I've learned that time does NOT heal all wounds. Proactively doing things to heal your pain does. There are people who grieve and lick wounds for the rest of their lives and don't even know it. The lack of healing manifests in the way they conduct future relationships. They may think they've gotten over the pain of what someone else did through "time" but the subconscious beliefs and actions show just the opposite. Forgetting doesn't heal.

 

[Layluh]

Anyone that comes into your life and causes you to look deep into yourself no matter how painful it is...is your soulmate. And you have more than one. Too many people think a soulmate brings pure blissful happiness and nothing else.

Your soulmate will bring your insecurities that you've deeply hidden, to the surface and open old wounds making them raw again. The lesson is to heal properly...even if that person did you dirty and stepped off, he/she was still your soulmate if it changed you for the better in any way.

As for the op, I've learned that time does NOT heal all wounds. Proactively doing things to heal your pain does. There are people who grieve and lick wounds for the rest of their lives and don't even know it. The lack of healing manifests in the way they conduct future relationships. They may think they've gotten over the pain of what someone else did through "time" but the subconscious beliefs and actions show just the opposite. Forgetting doesn't heal.

I need that gif of the rock clapping. People still got issues from their childhood they need to get over yet they running around trying to be in positive relationships wondering why things keep happening to them.

 

[Nayna]

Sometimes it takes a lot longer than a month for a man to know you're the one and lock it down. I know I've read here that within a month or two it was serious and he was all in love. Lies and propaganda. Sometimes it's not all neat and pretty and wrapped up in a big red bow and yes, sometimes you'll have to fight to get your man (not fisticuffs).

I have a sister who knew she wanted this dude. He had a girl when they met. When he and the girl broke up she pounced, lol. They dated but he wasn't serious and told her he was not ready for anything serious. She played it cool. Kept herself relevant and dated around. She waited maybe a year or so and pounced again and locked him down. I know this girl that did something extremely similar. My sister is married to the guy and the other girl is engaged to hers. That's kinda what I mean about fighting for your man. At least if you're sure he's the right one.

 

[ambergirl]

Well some of the ones listed are good.

- Men are usually in a relationship when they start a new one. I've seen this less with women. Which is why...

- Most people don't tell the whole truth about their relationships...and probably shouldn't. But I almost never take what people say about their relationships at face value.

- A lot of people settle...and know they're settling when they walk down the altar.

- Being married doesn't mean anything other then being married. All kinds of people get married, doesn't mean they've discovered some secret are more desirable or relationship smart...just means they're married.

 

[fmnnity]

Anyone that comes into your life and causes you to look deep into yourself no matter how painful it is...is your soulmate. And you have more than one. Too many people think a soulmate brings pure blissful happiness and nothing else.

Your soulmate will bring your insecurities that you've deeply hidden, to the surface and open old wounds making them raw again. The lesson is to heal properly...even if that person did you dirty and stepped off, he/she was still your soulmate if it changed you for the better in any way.

As for the op, I've learned that time does NOT heal all wounds. Proactively doing things to heal your pain does. There are people who grieve and lick wounds for the rest of their lives and don't even know it. The lack of healing manifests in the way they conduct future relationships. They may think they've gotten over the pain of what someone else did through "time" but the subconscious beliefs and actions show just the opposite. Forgetting doesn't heal.

To tell you truthfully I don't even think your soulmate has to be someone that you are involved with in a romantic sense. I know for sure that my daughter is one of my soulmates. I totally agree with people thinking that the souldmate is a source of eternal bliss. And you sho nuff hit the nail on the head with "even if that person did you dirty and stepped off, he/she was still your soulmate if it changed you for the better in any way."

 

[hopeful]

ChasingBliss

Beautifully said. I could not agree more.

 

[Kindheart]

ChasingBliss that was one of the best posts I read on here .i totally agree .
Also thank you CurlyMoo for this great thread

 

[Layluh]

This just came into my head right now so I don't know if it has any validity but...

People wanting closure from a relationship is really a desire to know what you did wrong.

Case in point, if my husband would've left me before I realized what I did wrong in my marriage, I would've wanted "closure" and probably would've repeated the same mistakes in the next relationship.

Now that I know what I did wrong, I can let him go freely with zero worries about what will happen in the future.

ETA: This "closure" process i went through took a ton of self-reflection and stems from things I witnessed during childhood. It actually doesn't take a man to "give closure." You can totally do it on your own, through the form of healing, in order to prepare yourself for something greater.

 

[Adonia1987]

It is possible for a man to love and cherish his woman more than he loves himself. Some women can't understand it because deep down, they don't think they deserve to be loved this way.

 

[Ganjababy]

My DH and I were dating multiple other people when we met but neither if us were in serious or exclusive relationships.

I have never been in a serious relationship with someone while starting a new relationship with someone else. For myself, if I had just ended a relationship with a guy, I always thought that it was important that I gather my thoughts and reflect before going into a new relationship.

I have been (unknowingly initially) in a relationship with someone who was married and whose marriage was on the rocks and I was his distraction and then (he hoped) his next conquest. When I found out though I loved him and really wanted to be his wife, I knew that the way he treated his wife would be the way he treated me eventually, so I declined to be his next wife. Also, as far as I knew I was not a better person compared to his wife. So there were no concrete reasons for their divorce other than the fact that he was a greedy dog who did not believe in the concept of recycling (and honouring) his wife's punany.

I agree though, a lot of people I know IRL go on to their next relationships before ending the current one. What I have noticed with this is they always seem to end up choosing the wrong mates. So they just end up going from relationship to relationship.

I think this could be due to the fact that they did not put enough thought into finding a quality mate. They seemed to be more focused on being with someone with not much discernment or thought put into it.

Of course there are exceptions to the rule. I know women who have stumbled through bad mates and eventually stumbled on princes. However if they were more discerning they would have avoided most of the frogs they initially allowed into their lives...