I understand completely. Two years ago, I battled the exact same things - constant breakage from applying product, a high level of breakage, tangling and shedding from my hair flying towards each end of the moisture-balance spectrum, never quite finding a good balance, fearful of combing and styling my hair because it was fragile, etc. My hair was suffering and I had no idea what to do. So, I approached things methodically by keeping track of what I used, when I used it, how I used it and the effects of each. Here are some things that I learned:
- Identifying what my hair looked like and how it behaved when it was: (1) fully moisturized; (2) balanced; (3) imbalanced and in need of moisture; (4) imbalanced and in need of protein; and (5) imbalanced due to porosity issues. IME, many people seem to equate moisturized hair with softness, e.g., if their hair is soft, then it's moisturized. IMO, that's not the case because dehydrated hair can still be soft. For me, a sure fire sign that my hair is truly moisturized is when it feels and looks plump and juicy when dry; and when it feels cold to the touch, as if it's still wet when it isn't. It also hangs differently, as if it is weighted with product when it's bare. Conversely, when my hair is balanced, it looks and feels springy and resilient. I wholeheartedly believe that the key to solving any issue that arises lies in knowing my hair's characteristics (and as a senior citizen
, I can emphatically state that these characteristics can and will change over time, so I keep on top of them).
- Knowing the ingredients and additives that produces the best results for my hair. Having this knowledge makes my routine simple and predictable, and it also enables me to pick the right products. For instance, I know that DCs that contain cocoa butter, jojoba, EVOO and pumpkin will give me ultra moisture; anything with avocado will be very smoothing, but less moisturizing; all ayurveda and fruit (except banana) makes my hair hard and rough; naturesilk, venasilk, guar silk, et al gives good slip and softness, and honey/agave gives great moisture, but must be offset by other emollients or it will be a disaster. Knowledge is power.
- Porosity matters. If it is thrown off in either direction, it will effect everything that is done to it and how it behaves. The methods for moisturizing and achieving balance differs between those who are low, normal and high porosity. Knowing and correcting my porosity was a game changer.
- The DC matters. What I choose to DC with is crucial. If the product of choice does not provide long-lasting moisture until the following wash/DC day, it's ineffective and needs to be tossed. I shouldn't have to spend the subsequent days after DCing bolstering or making up for a lackluster DC. So, I chose to use only highly effective DCs. Just as I wouldn't advise any woman to work with a broke brother, I don't advocate working with a substandard DC. Fire it and get a more efficient employee.
- All proteins aren't created equal. My hair responded to each protein differently and not necessarily in the manner in which they're defined, e.g., keratin is purported to be strengthening, whereas silk and wheat are described as being more moisturizing. However, on my hair, it's the opposite - if I want serious strength, I turn to wheat and quinoa; if I want moisture with a small kick of strength, I use keratin or silk; if I need elasticity, collagen is always my first pick.
- It's important to use the right protein at the right time. I ditched the schedules and ignored the manufacturer's directions, and did what my hair told me it needed. When I listened, it rewarded me by sticking around and not breaking, tangling and shedding.
- Differentiating between protein treatments and protein-laden conditioners. I use the former for restructuring and the latter for maintenance.
- Avoid all protein-laden finishing products and keep an eye on hidden proteins because they could inadvertently throw things out of wack (some examples of hidden proteins are algae, aloe vera, EVCO, coconut cream/milk, yogurt, kelp and seaweed).
- I initially erred on the moisture side of the equation because correcting moisture overload is easier and quicker than addressing protein overload. This meant that I only used moisturizing, highly emollient DCs and finishing products. If a product had any protein, it was stored away until later.
- Using a complex protein treatment gives the best results. At the time, I preferred to have all of my proteins at once, so I picked a product that offered them all in a highly effective product - Komaza Protein Strengthener. I got keratin, silk, wheat and collagen served on the same plate with great slip. This product is unparalleled.
- Until the crisis abated, I only used DCS that were light albeit highly moisturizing, and finishing products that were light with a silky or slimy consistency. I put aside my ultra thick, creamy products and opted for APBs DCs along with JC Untangle Me and TGIN LI. As much as I love a thick, creamy product, I found that lighter products produced less mechanical damage, and provided more slip and smoothing.
- Only seal with oil and avoid heavy butters, creams, greases and grease-like products. I only use the heavy butters and creams to keep my ends smoothed out and tangle free. All greases are a big, flat no. That's a recipe for hard, greasy hair.
- Once I achieved balance, I maintained it through the use of balancing DCs. IMO, moisture-only DCs are only good for the protein sensitive, after a hard kick of protein and before straightening. I'm able to achieve long-term balance with protein-laden DCs.
There's more, but I think this rather obese post should get you started in addressing your concerns. Start slowly and methodically, and things will turn around. I wish you the best.