Question. Is it realistic to think that you can...

[gone_fishing]

Question. Is it realistic to think that you can...be with someone forever and not desire to be with other people?

I need some answers on this.

Maybe my job is making me a bit cynical working in a law office and processing divorces all day. Reading PI reports on cheating spouses. All the heartbreak and lies...

I don't think I believe in the concept of one person with one person anymore. I just don't see people doing this anymore. I believe that's how it SHOULD be...I just think our society is so far gone that we may never get back to that type of life.

Reading another thread on this board has caused me question this as well.

I know I've felt like that before like I could be with this person for ever and I'd be happy with that but nobody seems to be in agreement (men anyway) :/

So do I need to just give up on that? Should I just expect that things will turn out well.

Everybody cheats and lies so what is the point of being in a relationship?

Is it even realistic to think that you can get married and have a happy family and not cheat?

I guess maybe too many fairy tales as a little girl, no?

 

[Keen]

I do have to say that is become rare, unfortunately. But I do think it is possible. To give up on the idea that you can be with one person forever is to give up on the concept of "Family"

 

[Syrah]

Question. Is it realistic to think that you can...be with someone forever and not desire to be with other people?

I need some answers on this.

Maybe my job is making me a bit cynical working in a law office and processing divorces all day. Reading PI reports on cheating spouses. All the heartbreak and lies...

I don't think I believe in the concept of one person with one person anymore. I just don't see people doing this anymore. I believe that's how it SHOULD be...I just think our society is so far gone that we may never get back to that type of life.

Reading another thread on this board has caused me question this as well.

I know I've felt like that before like I could be with this person for ever and I'd be happy with that but nobody seems to be in agreement (men anyway) :/

So do I need to just give up on that? Should I just expect that things will turn out well.

Everybody cheats and lies so what is the point of being in a relationship?

Is it even realistic to think that you can get married and have a happy family and not cheat?

I guess maybe too many fairy tales as a little girl, no?

Oooh, girl. Sounds like you either got burned, or know some folks who have gotten burned and now your fairy tale is crushed.

A few things - INDIVIDUALS make mistakes. INDIVIDUALS cheat. Men (globally, all inclusive) do not cheat. INDIVIDUALS lie. Men (globally, all inclusive) do not lie. INDIVIDUALS break trust. Men (globally, all inclusive) do not break trust. In other words, these things that happen that *** up relationshis are not symptomatic of MEN or WOMEN or relationships but are symptomatic of the TWO PEOPLE IN THE RELATIONSHIP.

Two: Men commit when they're ready. Some ladies run around saying that men are committaphobic. How many times have you heard of the jar opener analogy (you're struggling to open that jar of jelly. STRUGGLING. Then you hand it over and POP! off comes the top) - that girl who dated a dude for 3+ years. They break up because he wouldn't "committ". Six months later she's getting a wedding invitation in the mail. MEN do commit. They do it when they're ready. Just because you're ready doesn't mean he's ready. And you can't MAKE A MAN READY - the only thing added pressure does it move you closer to that divorce attorney.

In other words - don't judge the bunch on the actions of a few and don't force something that isn't being reciprocated.

And keep the faith...If you want too. If the idea of THAT relationship that you want is important to you, hold on to it. You will find it. If not, let it go and find something else worth holding on to. You know what's going to happen next??

• The happily married chicks are going to swoop in this thread and say "yea, girl it's possible - I found me one and you can too" and
• The not so happily or no longer married chicks are gonna be like "nah girl, let that fairly tale go - it Isn't reality".
• But the truth is, BOTH sides are possible. Because we see them everyday.

The question is - are you willing to take the risk in finding out?? Or are you willing to give up on that dream without even trying?

And to answer your question - no. I don't think committment is about NOT being attracted to other people or interested in other people. I think committment is weighing the balances and realizing that what you stand to gain in engaging with someone new is so much less than what you stand to lose in your ruining current relationship. That's real committment. "I've got it all, or at least most of it right here... everyone else simply isn't worth the risk". It's weighing your options.

 

[FlowerHair]

I don't think it's realistic to believe that you will never be attracted to anyone else in your life. But if you choose to act on it is up to you!

 

[p31woman]

I do have to say that is become rare, unfortunately. But I do think it is possible. To give up on the idea that you can be with one person forever is to give up on the concept of "Family"

Could not have said it better myself

 

[gone_fishing]

Oooh, girl. Sounds like you either got burned, or know some folks who have gotten burned and now your fairy tale is crushed.

A few things - INDIVIDUALS make mistakes. INDIVIDUALS cheat. Men (globally, all inclusive) do not cheat. INDIVIDUALS lie. Men (globally, all inclusive) do not lie. INDIVIDUALS break trust. Men (globally, all inclusive) do not break trust. In other words, these things that happen that *** up relationshis are not symptomatic of MEN or WOMEN or relationships but are symptomatic of the TWO PEOPLE IN THE RELATIONSHIP.

Two: Men commit when they're ready. Some ladies run around saying that men are committaphobic. How many times have you heard of the jar opener analogy (you're struggling to open that jar of jelly. STRUGGLING. Then you hand it over and POP! off comes the top) - that girl who dated a dude for 3+ years. They break up because he wouldn't "committ". Six months later she's getting a wedding invitation in the mail. MEN do commit. They do it when they're ready. Just because you're ready doesn't mean he's ready. And you can't MAKE A MAN READY - the only thing added pressure does it move you closer to that divorce attorney.

In other words - don't judge the bunch on the actions of a few and don't force something that isn't being reciprocated.

And keep the faith...If you want too. If the idea of THAT relationship that you want is important to you, hold on to it. You will find it. If not, let it go and find something else worth holding on to. You know what's going to happen next??

• The happily married chicks are going to swoop in this thread and say "yea, girl it's possible - I found me one and you can too" and
• The not so happily or no longer married chicks are gonna be like "nah girl, let that fairly tale go - it Isn't reality".
• But the truth is, BOTH sides are possible. Because we see them everyday.

The question is - are you willing to take the risk in finding out?? Or are you willing to give up on that dream without even trying?

And to answer your question - no. I don't think committment is about NOT being attracted to other people or interested in other people. I think committment is weighing the balances and realizing that what you stand to gain in engaging with someone new is so much less than what you stand to lose in your ruining current relationship. That's real committment. "I've got it all, or at least most of it right here... everyone else simply isn't worth the risk". And THATS why you hear so many people say "we stayed married for the kids" - it wasn't that they weren't attracted to other people - it's the realization that getting divorced wasn't worth the pain to the children. It's weighing your options.

Actually, I'm fine in my own relationship....

I just think conversations with girlfriends and work are taking a toll on me. And the issue I have with happily married couples - this is going to sound cynical - is that I know a LOT of couples who were happily married at one point but later found out what they thought they had is not what they had. I guess I'm not impressed by people who've been married a few years and they say they are happy. I'm more impressed with people who've spent a decade or close to it and are happy...but heck even people married 30 years end up divorced...

I guess I'm asking an impossible question because you don't and nobody has a crystal ball.

I just wonder sometimes if MY relationship will stay that way indefinitely...everyone else's seem to be following apart all around me. I mean I know NOBODY these days who doesn't have some relationship drama going on. Even my male friends who are GREAT husbands now ...one I looked up to very much admitted that he cheated on his wife several times and she never found out. He also said he'd never tell her but if she found out they'd been together so long he didn't think she'd go anywhere...so you see...even those that seem happy...I always end up finding out later someone cheated.

I really think it's my job that's making me so cynical.

Family law is not the place to be.

Maybe ignorance is bliss.

 

[gone_fishing]

And to answer your question - no. I don't think committment is about NOT being attracted to other people or interested in other people. I think committment is weighing the balances and realizing that what you stand to gain in engaging with someone new is so much less than what you stand to lose in your ruining current relationship. That's real committment. "I've got it all, or at least most of it right here... everyone else simply isn't worth the risk". And THATS why you hear so many people say "we stayed married for the kids" - it wasn't that they weren't attracted to other people - it's the realization that getting divorced wasn't worth the pain to the children. It's weighing your options.

And THAT sucks. I don't want to spend 20 years with someone only to end up feeling like..."we stayed because of the kids"...or it wasn't worth the risk...or financial security, etc. There seems to be no one together LONG TERM just because they love one another and truly can't see themselves with someone else.

 

[p31woman]

Actually, I'm fine in my own relationship....

I just think conversations with girlfriends and work are taking a toll on me. And the issue I have with happily married couples - this is going to sound cynical - is that I know a LOT of couples who were happily married at one point but later found out what they thought they had is not what they had. I guess I'm not impressed by people who've been married a few years and they say they are happy. I'm more impressed with people who've spent a decade or close to it and are happy...but heck even people married 30 years end up divorced...

I guess I'm asking an impossible question because you don't and nobody has a crystal ball.

I just wonder sometimes if MY relationship will stay that way indefinitely...everyone else's seem to be following apart all around me. I mean I know NOBODY these days who doesn't have some relationship drama going on. Even my male friends who are GREAT husbands now ...one I looked up to very much admitted that he cheated on his wife several times and she never found out. He also said he'd never tell her but if she found out they'd been together so long he didn't think she'd go anywhere...so you see...even those that seem happy...I always end up finding out later someone cheated.

I really think it's my job that's making me so cynical.

Family law is not the place to be.

Maybe ignorance is bliss.

GOODNESS....GET OUT OF MY LIFE!!! I COULS HAVE JUST TYPED THAT...TO THE T!!!

I feel the same. I dont work in family law, Insurance so I deal with risks...lol, but my girlfriends, single and attached, have so many problems with dudes it makes me wonder about my own...even though everything is great between us.

It actually cause a fight between us and ended with my hubby yellin " I'm not "him"." "Him" being my bestfriend who cheats on his girl non stop but loves her

I try to snap myself out of it when I begin to wonder about it, but man...is no one faithful anymore?

 

[treybaby2005]

Actually, I'm fine in my own relationship....

I just think conversations with girlfriends and work are taking a toll on me. And the issue I have with happily married couples - this is going to sound cynical - is that I know a LOT of couples who were happily married at one point but later found out what they thought they had is not what they had. I guess I'm not impressed by people who've been married a few years and they say they are happy. I'm more impressed with people who've spent a decade or close to it and are happy...but heck even people married 30 years end up divorced...

I guess I'm asking an impossible question because you don't and nobody has a crystal ball.

I just wonder sometimes if MY relationship will stay that way indefinitely...everyone else's seem to be following apart all around me. I mean I know NOBODY these days who doesn't have some relationship drama going on. Even my male friends who are GREAT husbands now ...one I looked up to very much admitted that he cheated on his wife several times and she never found out. He also said he'd never tell her but if she found out they'd been together so long he didn't think she'd go anywhere...so you see...even those that seem happy...I always end up finding out later someone cheated.

I really think it's my job that's making me so cynical.

Family law is not the place to be.

Maybe ignorance is bliss.

I'm battling this too.I was just thinking about writing a thread about it but didn't know how.I have been reading lately how some relationships started off great and years later,they are single.Whether married or not.I know I can't see into the future and that's where my craziness starts with the what ifs that haven't even happened yet.It hard to be in relationships when you sometimes think why even go through the motions to be hurt in the long run.I push my man away when I think these things but I can't help it sometimes.

 

[PeopleTalkDaily]

MS. NADI-I LOVE IT..
I LOVE IT-LOVE IT....

 

[gone_fishing]

Well, I'm glad (in some weird way) that I'm not the only one that feels this way.

I mean you don't want to sound hateful ever but sometimes when a girl brags on her GREAT relationship...I find myself wondering if he's really as faithful as she thinks. Irony is usually a 6 months to a year down the road they DO end up being at odds over something he shouldn't have done.

It's like

Is being in a relationship worth the pain you feel when it ends?

And let's just be honest...what are the chances that 30 years from now, who we are married to/dating/engaged to right now will still be in our lives. Just doesn't seem very high and that means some heartache is on the way for the majority of us.

 

[Syrah]

I know a LOT of couples who were happily married at one point but later found out what they thought they had is not what they had. I guess I'm not impressed by people who've been married a few years and they say they are happy. I'm more impressed with people who've spent a decade or close to it and are happy...but heck even people married 30 years end up divorced...

I think so many couples end up getting divorced after a short period of time because they think

2 Compatible People + Some Decent Finances + Some Decent Communication = A Stable Relationship.

Relationships take WORK. Those folks who have been married 45 years will say they are NOW happily married but that the marriage took work.

And I'm with you on this because my parents were one of those latter marriages. Married for 21 years. Now divorced and better friends. And I'll be honest - it rocked my world one, becuase it was my parents and TWO because I Realized that two people who are really great friends can STILL BE DIVORCED.

Maybe what we're all looking for is the secret to a sustainable relationship. NOW THAT is the holy grail.

 

[Syrah]

Well, I'm glad (in some weird way) that I'm not the only one that feels this way.

I mean you don't want to sound hateful ever but sometimes when a girl brags on her GREAT relationship...I find myself wondering if he's really as faithful as she thinks. Irony is usually a 6 months to a year down the road they DO end up being at odds over something he shouldn't have done.

It's like

Is being in a relationship worth the pain you feel when it ends?

And let's just be honest...what are the chances that 30 years from now, who we are married to/dating/engaged to right now will still be in our lives. Just doesn't seem very high and that means some heartache is on the way for the majority of us.

There's just one question: is it better to have loved and loved than never to have lost at all?!

:::god bless editing:::

 

[Ms Red]

This is such an interesting conversation. I like the way you think MsNadi and Flowergirl.

 

[gone_fishing]

There's just one question: is it better to have loved and lost than never to have lost at all?!

I'm thinking your question was is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all but I don't want to be smart ellicky.

The answer to your question is...I don't know.

I know when I went through the divorce with the exception of my son I would have traded every single memory to have my heartbreak taken from me. I mean that even to this day. Every single memory I would have traded in to never have felt as horrible and awful as I felt after 6 years of marriage.

So maybe it is better to never love at all.

I know that sounds terrible but geez. I need some positive news!

All these sitcoms and reality shows and music videos and every form of media outlet we have is pushing infidelity and lying off as if it's kosher. I think people are really starting to believe it's not only acceptable but it's expected. And the ironic part is...when the one who has been hurt acts out of emotion and sheer frustration...they call THAT person...crazy.

We have become so desensitized and so twisted by what we are constantly being force fed that sometimes we don't even know what we want or what is BEST for us. Suddenly, self instant sexual gratification is more heavily desired than a mutually happy and loving relationship. But why? What is it about human beings that make it so that sex with who they are with is just not enough.

Even my very own favorite female cousin called me last night saying she needed some "new meat". Those were her words. She's dating a great guy and he adores her. But she said she just feels like she needs something new. People have gone mad!

 

[donna894]

Hey adequate! DH and I have been married 26 years. It has not been all champagne and roses. But we've worked through the rough spots and are very honest with each other (sometimes brutally honest). If the commitment is there on the part of both parties, it can happen.

 

[audacious1]

I like this thread

 

[kweenameena]

Hey adequate! DH and I have been married 26 years. It has not been all champagne and roses. But we've worked through the rough spots and are very honest with each other (sometimes brutally honest). If the commitment is there on the part of both parties, it can happen.

what's your secret?

 

[gone_fishing]

Hey adequate! DH and I have been married 26 years. It has not been all champagne and roses. But we've worked through the rough spots and are very honest with each other (sometimes brutally honest). If the commitment is there on the part of both parties, it can happen.

Thank you. I needed that.

What's the most difficult thing you've had to work through? Any infidelity as an issue. Please be honest (not saying that you wouldn't) but don't hold anything back just to make a point.

I need realism.

Congratulations to that though. I'm very happy for you and it warms my heart that someone is still holding it all together.

 

[donna894]

what's your secret?

Hmm... I think being honest and I mean really honest - if we're not happy, then why we're not happy and what are we going to do about it, when things get boring put the cards on the table and do something about it, being clear about your expectations. (now all of this should work both ways)

It's important to keep communication lines open because people change. We are not the same people that we were when we got married.

I'm rambling but HTH!

 

[gone_fishing]

Finding who to commit to forever and knowing that they are sincere in their claims to want to be with you forever is so difficult to determine.

There are so many sheeple in this world.

 

[donna894]

Thank you. I needed that.

What's the most difficult thing you've had to work through? Any infidelity as an issue. Please be honest (not saying that you wouldn't) but don't hold anything back just to make a point.

I need realism.

Congratulations to that though. I'm very happy for you and it warms my heart that someone is still holding it all together.

The most difficult issue we have had has been dysfunctional inlaws trying to create drama in our home. We know who the troublemakers are and we rarely deal with them.

There's been no infidelity but there has and probably always will be temptation. It's strange how this works, but I've found this to be true in my case, temptation usually happens when there are problems with our relationship. I almost have to laugh - its as if on cue, when we are at our worst, a tempting third party shows up. I see temptation as a sign that something is lacking in our relationship and we need to roll up our sleeves and deal with it. To go after the temptation is a diversion from dealing with problems in our relationship (marriage). And it doesn't solve problems, just makes matters worse.

HTH

 

[Aveena]

I like this thread too .....

 

[locabouthair]

adequate i think it's realistic. of course you will be attracted to other people but that doesnt mean you have to act on it. yes it may be hard to find but i do believe there are people out there that cherish what they have with that special person and they will not jeopardize that. I remember a guy in essence talkign about how women would always approach him and he was attracted to some of them but he knew what he had at home.

Remember what you believe to be true is indeed

Okay im probably being too personal and feel free to tell me to mind my business but im just curious, is this way of thinking affecting your relationship? You're engaged right? im just thinking that if you plan on getting married, why have a negative outlook? but at the same time i understand if you are aurrounded by divorce papers everyday it could affect you.

 

[gone_fishing]

adequate i think it's realistic. of course you will be attracted to other people but that doesnt mean you have to act on it. yes it may be hard to find but i do believe there are people out there that cherish what they have with that special person and they will not jeopardize that. I remember a guy in essence talkign about how women would always approach him and he was attracted to some of them but he knew what he had at home.

Remember what you believe to be true is indeed

Okay im probably being too personal and feel free to tell me to mind my business but im just curious, is this way of thinking affecting your relationship? You're engaged right? im just thinking that if you plan on getting married, why have a negative outlook? but at the same time i understand if you are aurrounded by divorce papers everyday it could affect you.

I know. You are right. Yes, I'm engaged. I think I need a new job! It's so draining dealing with divorces day in and day out!

I do wedding planning on the side to counteract it because I need to see the "happy side" of relationships but man...seems like the same people I just planned a wedding for (that seemed so happy) end up in my office a few years later...

I guess I need to work on my skepticism but I don't know how.



My SO says he thinks I'm getting cold feet and that's why I'm buggin. He's sweet to do all the reassuring even when he shouldn't have to.

I guess in the end all you can do is go with your gut and expect the best.

 

[locabouthair]

I know. You are right. Yes, I'm engaged. I think I need a new job! It's so draining dealing with divorces day in and day out!

I do wedding planning on the side to counteract it because I need to see the "happy side" of relationships but man...seems like the same people I just planned a wedding for (that seemed so happy) end up in my office a few years later...

I guess I need to work on my skepticism but I don't know how.



My SO says he thinks I'm getting cold feet and that's why I'm buggin. He's sweet to do all the reassuring even when he shouldn't have to.

I guess in the end all you can do is go with your gut and expect the best.

you probably are just getting the jitters. Oh and Congrats!

Are you a lawyer? yes always expect the best.

there are a lot of factors thta go into why people divorce. and sometimes people just dont want to work at it, and other times people dont really take the time to learn about their future spouse, then you have those who get married just to get married, or get married only because they have children.

there are SO many factors. so you shouldn't necessarily assume it's because people can't commit, but sometimes that could be the case. i wish you the best.

oh and wedding planning sounds like fun! how did you get into it?

 

[HisBestFriend]

The most difficult issue we have had has been dysfunctional inlaws trying to create drama in our home. We know who the troublemakers are and we rarely deal with them.

There's been no infidelity but there has and probably always will be temptation. It's strange how this works, but I've found this to be true in my case, temptation usually happens when there are problems with our relationship. I almost have to laugh - its as if on cue, when we are at our worst, a tempting third party shows up. I see temptation as a sign that something is lacking in our relationship and we need to roll up our sleeves and deal with it. To go after the temptation is a diversion from dealing with problems in our relationship (marriage). And it doesn't solve problems, just makes matters worse.

HTH

I have found this to be so true not in my current marriage, we are still in the honeymoon years (3 yrs and counting) but in relationships in general. I am one of those woman that adequate speaks of. I gush on and on about how great my marriage is but that is not to say that I don't realize that there will be some twists and turns down the road as we grow together and sometimes apart.

The reality is that good communication, a commitment to each other and good finances does equal a good relationship FOUNDATION. It takes work to make it into something more. Both people have to feel like the work is worth it all.

It's funny how much BS people are willing to work through at crappy A$$ jobs just to get to the goal of retirement but how little they are willing to work through to get to the goal of a stable marriage which delivers even greater rewards than any retirement check.

 

[Lindy]

I think committment is weighing the balances and realizing that what you stand to gain in engaging with someone new is so much less than what you stand to lose in your ruining current relationship. That's real committment. "I've got it all, or at least most of it right here... everyone else simply isn't worth the risk". And THATS why you hear so many people say "we stayed married for the kids" - it wasn't that they weren't attracted to other people - it's the realization that getting divorced wasn't worth the pain to the children. It's weighing your options.

BINGO!! I also feel that both people have to work at holding it down at home though... Like, keeping the respect for each other, and don't just "let yourselves go" because you're married... and this goes for women AND men!! I'll say that it's not easy being with the same person for years and years. It takes a heck of a lot of dedication and wanting to make your marriage work. A lot of people just don't have that in them these days, partly I believe, because women are so much more independent and self sufficient. We no longer have to put up with anything and everything in a marriage. It is not so difficult any more to actually pack up and leave. I'm sure that many of the marriages today that have lasted 30/40/50 years may not have, if the wife had been able to manage financially on her own... Back then she may have wished she could leave, but simply had nowhere to go and no means to survive without the hubby... Sad but true...

 

[Syrah]

BINGO!! I also feel that both people have to work at holding it down at home though... Like, keeping the respect for each other, and don't just "let yourselves go" because you're married... and this goes for women AND men!! I'll say that it's not easy being with the same person for years and years. It takes a heck of a lot of dedication and wanting to make your marriage work. A lot of people just don't have that in them these days, partly I believe, because women are so much more independent and self sufficient. We no longer have to put up with anything and everything in a marriage. It is not so difficult any more to actually pack up and leave. I'm sure that many of the marriages today that have lasted 30/40/50 years may not have, if the wife had been able to manage financially on her own... Back then she may have wished she could leave, but simply had nowhere to go and no means to survive without the hubby... Sad but true...

But is it really sad??? We do it with jobs - you weigh the opportunities and risks in picking a job. We do it with homes. We do it when we pick churches (not so much risk vs rewards, but rewards vs nonsense). We do it when we pick out what we're going to wear to our cousin's wedding, knowing damn well it's going to be a hot mess.

I don't think it's wrong - I think it's natural.

And I think there's something actually beautiful in saying that "what I stand to gain in engaging with someone new is WORTHLESS in comparison to what I stand to lose in ruining my current relationship". Because that's a conscious decision NOT to ruin what you've got.... it's a conscious decision to stay right where you're at and invest your energy in THIS relationship rather than playing russian roulette in THAT new relationship that has no guarantees.

As for Ms. Adequate - after reading her posts, it sounds like she's got something good and its all the mess that comes through the office at work, as a divorce attorney that's got her second guessing whether or not "something good" is even possible.

It is possible. You've got it. Don't let the nonsense at work ruin the fact that you've got something good RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU.

 

[Syrah]

And THAT sucks. I don't want to spend 20 years with someone only to end up feeling like..."we stayed because of the kids"...or it wasn't worth the risk...or financial security, etc. There seems to be no one together LONG TERM just because they love one another and truly can't see themselves with someone else.

Does truly not seeing yourself ever with someone else happen overnight?? Nah, that requires TIME. Time to get to know the other person. Time to get to know yourself. Time for two people to grow together as a couple and for two people to grow as individuals in a relationship.

Maybe staying together for the KIDS is the CAUSE for the decision to stay together but it doesn't mean that love, mutual respect and positive devotion can't GROW from that initial decision.

I don't know. Relationships definitely aren't what you see in the movies (hell, we all know that) but relationships aren't 100% what you see coming across your desk in divorce papers. Because when you really get into it - there's a whole lot more to a divorce then two people who fell out of love.

Working in your profession, maybe you'll be more likely to address the SMALLER problems constructively before they become BIG ones.