Quarantine Is Interfering With My Extramarital Love Life

[Ganjababy]

I’m Having a Lifesaving Affair, but Social Distancing Is Keeping Us Apart

The temptation to break isolation and meet my lover is growing. How do I keep from doing something stupid?
APRIL 1 2020 10:00 AM

How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

I’m having a wonderful affair with a man. We’re both married, but we’re careful and responsible—it’s what we both need to survive in our marriages, and it’s what’s best for both of us. (Without saying too much, in our situation, divorce would destroy our big, happy, extended immigrant families. I’m not looking for judgment on that.)

The problem is social distancing because of the coronavirus. Our spouses and kids are now both home full time, and getting away to see each other has been impossible. I’m miserable without the sex and companionship, and so is the man I’m seeing. At one point, he suggested meeting in our cars by the grocery store. I obviously declined. Then today, he called me and said to go to my window and waved to me from his car (we live about two neighborhoods apart). I was moved by the gesture, but it worried me. I feel like I am on the verge of doing something risky, and all this time with my husband, who is a kind man, is making me want to lash out and tell him I don’t love him.

What can I do to keep my head on straight here? I would be cast out of my family if this came out, but this whole situation is making me feel out of control.

—Swelter in Place

Dear Swelter in Place,

Unfortunately, we’re in crisis mode, which means we have pretty clear-cut choices: Survive or risk our lives. In your case, you’d also be risking the lives of the family members that live with you. I hear you when you say you believe this affair is keeping your marriage afloat, but now it cannot. In the worst-case scenario, you are just going to have to keep your head down and wait this out. Or, you can run off with this guy, creating another isolation seal and hoping that both of you are COVID-19 negative and won’t infect each other. But you can’t have both; it’s too risky to widen your contact circle at the moment. It really doesn’t seem like the time to make such a life change, but if you must because you have the inkling that the world is changing anyway, well, I actually won’t judge you for that, either.

Meditate, work out, focus on what you have (and what we have left as a species) is my practical advice for you. Find an online therapist to talk to. You can use this moment for self-betterment, or you can be selfish and let yourself spin out of control. Decide who you are and live like it.

If you are bored check out the other letters. Read at your own risk...

https://apple.news/AZ4sJUtEFRwatvEmeTqHB-A

 

[Black Ambrosia]

Interesting letter. I wonder at what point in a marriage do you decide it's over and not worth trying to salvage. She believes the affair is keeping the marriages intact but is it really even worth it? Maybe it is. idk.

 

[fluffyforever]

Interesting letter. I wonder at what point in a marriage do you decide it's over and not worth trying to salvage. She believes the affair is keeping the marriages intact but is it really even worth it? Maybe it is. idk.

It doesn’t seem like it is worth it to her. Her husband and kids are with her 24/7 at home but she still feels like she has no companionship? I could maybe sort of see if the husband was out traveling for work and she was left alone and only saw him once a month for a hot minute. But she is literally locked in with him. Why can’t they talk and have sex? There isn’t much else to do. If she can’t start a dialog with her husband when he can’t escape then they obviously aren’t in a big happy marriage that she tells herself she is in. She just wants to keep up appearances.

 

[Crackers Phinn]

They are both literally contemplating putting their families at risk for a painful unnecessary, drawn out death over some sex. This is why cheating culture is foul and secrets in relationships are never a good thing.

 

[Black Ambrosia]

It doesn’t seem like it is worth it to her. Her husband and kids are with her 24/7 at home but she still feels like she has no companionship? I could maybe sort of see if the husband was out traveling for work and she was left alone and only saw him once a month for a hot minute. But she is literally locked in with him. Why can’t they talk and have sex? There isn’t much else to do. If she can’t start a dialog with her husband when he can’t escape then they obviously aren’t in a big happy marriage that she tells herself she is in. She just wants to keep up appearances.

She's concerned about being cast out of her family so there's definitely some pressure (real or imagined idk) to stay. I just wonder if it's really beyond repair or if she's over him so she doesn't bother. Maybe he's got someone else too.

 

[fluffyforever]

She's concerned about being cast out of her family so there's definitely some pressure (real or imagined idk) to stay. I just wonder if it's really beyond repair or if she's over him so she doesn't bother. Maybe he's got someone else too.

It doesn’t sound like there is a real issue besides her not having companionship and sex. That is what she says she wants. She didn’t allude to financial stressors or abuse or some other scandal that put her marriage in disarray. So I’m assuming she is just over her husband and is more excited for the affair but she stays in her relationship for appearances.

If she is willing to risk her family’s life to sneak off to enjoy the butterflies she experiences in the affair then the marriage isn’t worth anything to her. She should realize this and move on before she brings home more than and std.

 

[awhyley]

Husbands, at least let your wives chat with their side boo during this difficult time.

 

[Lylddlebit]

Horrible people are toxic to those around them.

• She actually believes she is not already putting them at risk and is simply on the verge of being risky
• She literally asked how does she keep from doing something stupid(as though she has not already executed that action)
• She describes herself and her lover as careful and responsible(based on not being confronted with adultery yet)
• She believes she is working to keep a straight head as though people who logical and objective operate in denial.

She is an example of the type of person who will get you killed ...literally and behave oblivious to the fact that they are both problem and the cause. Toxic people have trouble seeing beyond the execution of their extremely poor decisions. Beware of them especially in times like right now. This chick is struggling with self control to keep herself safe. Her family isn't even aware of the enemy in their midst.

 

[C@ssandr@]

This letter made me realize that this "quarantine" is forcing us to be with ourselves (good, bad, and ugly) and face what is right in front of us. I figured that this might be tough for some, but not how tough, because I cannot relate.

What I'd say to her (and to everyone else really) is that you can manage whatever it is that you have going on by being present. Being in the moment and being less reactive can go a long way. Breathe and check in with yourself and see what's going on for you internally. This means your thoughts and feelings. The outside world is at a stand still, so this gives us space to breathe a little easier and mend what needs mending. This requires a bit of hope, a bit of belief and alot of presence and owning up to our feelings and doings.

The solutions will come. They may not be packaged perfectly, but we do get answers we can use.

If one is having trouble doing all of this on their own, then now is the time to get a therapist.

Tis all.

 

[Babysaffy]

I’m Having a Lifesaving Affair, but Social Distancing Is Keeping Us Apart

The temptation to break isolation and meet my lover is growing. How do I keep from doing something stupid?
APRIL 1 2020 10:00 AM

How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

I’m having a wonderful affair with a man. We’re both married, but we’re careful and responsible—it’s what we both need to survive in our marriages, and it’s what’s best for both of us. (Without saying too much, in our situation, divorce would destroy our big, happy, extended immigrant families. I’m not looking for judgment on that.)

The problem is social distancing because of the coronavirus. Our spouses and kids are now both home full time, and getting away to see each other has been impossible. I’m miserable without the sex and companionship, and so is the man I’m seeing. At one point, he suggested meeting in our cars by the grocery store. I obviously declined. Then today, he called me and said to go to my window and waved to me from his car (we live about two neighborhoods apart). I was moved by the gesture, but it worried me. I feel like I am on the verge of doing something risky, and all this time with my husband, who is a kind man, is making me want to lash out and tell him I don’t love him.

What can I do to keep my head on straight here? I would be cast out of my family if this came out, but this whole situation is making me feel out of control.

—Swelter in Place

Dear Swelter in Place,

Unfortunately, we’re in crisis mode, which means we have pretty clear-cut choices: Survive or risk our lives. In your case, you’d also be risking the lives of the family members that live with you. I hear you when you say you believe this affair is keeping your marriage afloat, but now it cannot. In the worst-case scenario, you are just going to have to keep your head down and wait this out. Or, you can run off with this guy, creating another isolation seal and hoping that both of you are COVID-19 negative and won’t infect each other. But you can’t have both; it’s too risky to widen your contact circle at the moment. It really doesn’t seem like the time to make such a life change, but if you must because you have the inkling that the world is changing anyway, well, I actually won’t judge you for that, either.

Meditate, work out, focus on what you have (and what we have left as a species) is my practical advice for you. Find an online therapist to talk to. You can use this moment for self-betterment, or you can be selfish and let yourself spin out of control. Decide who you are and live like it.

If you are bored check out the other letters. Read at your own risk...

https://apple.news/AZ4sJUtEFRwatvEmeTqHB-A

I read more at my own risk.....

 

[Transformer]

She is Just having thrill withdrawal. Her marriage is routine, the affair just breaks up the routine.

There was no mention of dissatisfaction with her spouse.

 

[Chaosbutterfly]

She is Just having thrill withdrawal. Her marriage is routine, the affair just breaks up the routine.

There was no mention of dissatisfaction with her spouse.

I agree.
He definitely seems more pressed than her, in that he is the one actively trying to break quarantine.
I think she isn't unhappy in her marriage as much as she is restless and was probably never cut out for marriage or motherhood. Maybe not even monogamy.

She's kinda trash, but so is the culture of pressuring people into lives that they never wanted for the sake of tradition or whatever.

 

[Guapa1]

I read more at my own risk.....

Me too

 

[Black Ambrosia]

She is Just having thrill withdrawal. Her marriage is routine, the affair just breaks up the routine.

There was no mention of dissatisfaction with her spouse.

It sounds like she checked out a long time ago. Her happiness or dissatisfaction in the marriage isn't really an issue because she's not looking for fulfillment in the relationship. There could be real problems but the bigger problem is that she's unconcerned about them.