Please Help! I need advice...

[LBoogie85]

..........

 

[Arcadian]

Not hopeful but this is a red flag. If the basic moral and religious (or lack thereof) issues do not match, then its should not be a go.

Do not be unequally yoked.

While my husband and I have our disagreements, as every couple will because its just a fact of life, our core beliefs are on par with one another, and we are in agreement in the things in our life that matter most.

I have to admit I'm surprised you held your tongue because I sure as heck wouldn't have.

-A

 

[childoftheKing]

I'm interested in how he brought his point across to you. was he condescending? Did he raise his voice? Couples disagree all the time. Personally, I would not view this as a red flag. My husband and I are still feuding about Gay marriage and it hasn't affected the quality of our relationship. What matters is how he treats you, even when he disagrees.

 

[faithVA]

It could be a red flag. The previous poster mentions sharing views. How important is that to you? Is it ok with him that you have different views?

For some people it is important to share views. My views tend to be out there. So I don't look for someone who shares my views. I am looking for someone who isn't trying to change my views.

This really has more to do with what you want and what you can handle vs. what he believes and says. If you can't get past it then you need to let it go because he isn't going to change.

 

[LBoogie85]

Not hopeful but this is a red flag. If the basic moral and religious (or lack thereof) issues do not match, then its should not be a go.

Do not be unequally yoked.

While my husband and I have our disagreements, as every couple will because its just a fact of life, our core beliefs are on par with one another, and we are in agreement in the things in our life that matter most.

I have to admit I'm surprised you held your tongue because I sure as heck wouldn't have.

-A

I'm thinking that maybe we have different core beliefs, and that could be an issue. I don't mind that he has strong religious beliefs, but I have a problem with him trying to change mine.

Re the bold: I didn't hold my tongue at first. We actually debated for like an hour. I just know that I have a tendency to blow up and it has been a problem in past relationships, so I tried not to go there this time.

I'm interested in how he brought his point across to you. was he condescending? Did he raise his voice? Couples disagree all the time. Personally, I would not view this as a red flag. My husband and I are still feuding about Gay marriage and it hasn't affected the quality of our relationship. What matters is how he treats you, even when he disagrees.

I think another issue for me was his delivery. I felt like he wasn't listening to what I was saying. He kept interrupting me and he did raise his voice. He usually treats me very well, but I didn't like how he spoke to me.

It could be a red flag. The previous poster mentions sharing views. How important is that to you? Is it ok with him that you have different views?

For some people it is important to share views. My views tend to be out there. So I don't look for someone who shares my views. I am looking for someone who isn't trying to change my views.

This really has more to do with what you want and what you can handle vs. what he believes and says. If you can't get past it then you need to let it go because he isn't going to change.

Most people that I know in real life don't share my views, so that's not a big deal to me. I wasn't even really trying to change his views, but just to give him a different perspective. I guess I need to figure out if I'm ok with his beliefs. I definitely need to talk to him about his delivery.

 

[Whimsy]

Not hopeful but giiiiiirl this sounds like bad news all around. The worrisome part is not his views (well....that's partly it lol) but mainly how he behaved when discussing it. Your gut is clearly telling you something's up with this convo so listen to your intuition.

 

[lux10023]

i do not like any ppl..let alone my own blk ppl that dismiss/down play our history or plight in this world..and then turn around and blame us for the negative things that have happened to us--


god as my witness you cant dismiss the plight of african americans in this ****** country--how we came here? who the *** brought us here? and how that has impacted us as a race and culture yrs later--you cant dismiss that brotha--
i dont care how educated--well spoken..fancy smancy---brook brothers wearing...6 fig job...
dont downplay the struggles of our race..because they in fact ****** happened!!!

sounds like one of those dudes who hung aorund one toooo many clr ppl and started drinking that juiceeee...***

now for me this wouldnt work.....for me--our race and our culutre are a huge part of who i am....so his views would make my va-jay-jay dry the hell up and turn me off overall

i dont mind a diff of opinion on topics but to downplay and blame blk ppl for things that happened to us that were outside of our control 400 yrs ago youve go tot be kidding me..and im not even one of those ppl who blame the man for everything but our history is our history--anyway you slice it

then dude was all crazy with his rleigious beliefs-ewwww nexttt!!!

but if you can see past it and if its not a deal breaker for you so be it..meh--no way jose
not sure if your gonna hang in there and get to know him better and his views but
good luck!

 

[MD_Lady]

IMO, this is a red flag:

...He kept interrupting me, wouldn't let me speak and he seemed so aggressive with his views...

if he gets this wound up during a "fun" discussion (i.e. not about a real issue that's having an actual impact on your lives), how would he act if you all were having a disagreement about a real issue?

 

[LBoogie85]

i do not like any ppl..let alone my own blk ppl that dismiss/down play our history or plight in this world..and then turn around and blame us for the negative things that have happened to us--


god as my witness you cant dismiss the plight of african americans in this ****** country--how we came here? who the *** brought us here? and how that has impacted us as a race and culture yrs later--you cant dismiss that brotha--
i dont care how educated--well spoken..fancy smancy---brook brothers wearing...6 fig job...
dont downplay the struggles of our race..because they in fact ****** happened!!!

sounds like one of those dudes who hung aorund one toooo many clr ppl and started drinking that juiceeee...***

now for me this wouldnt work.....for me--our race and our culutre are a huge part of who i am....so his views would make my va-jay-jay dry the hell up and turn me off overall

i dont mind a diff of opinion on topics but to downplay and blame blk ppl for things that happened to us that were outside of our control 400 yrs ago youve go tot be kidding me..and im not even one of those ppl who blame the man for everything but our history is our history--anyway you slice it

then dude was all crazy with his rleigious beliefs-ewwww nexttt!!!

but if you can see past it and if its not a deal breaker for you so be it..meh--no way jose
not sure if your gonna hang in there and get to know him better and his views but
good luck!

The bold is really what it boils down to for me. I feel like race and culture is a big part of who I am as well, and I don't even think I could have a conversation with him about these things. It's really disheartening. And to hear these views from a black man

IMO, this is a red flag:

if he gets this wound up during a "fun" discussion (i.e. not about a real issue that's having an actual impact on your lives), how would he act if you all were having a disagreement about a real issue?

Yeah, I really did not like his delivery. He kept cutting me off and wouldn't let me speak. I really got the feeling that he didn't value what I was trying to say. It pissed me off.

Thanks ladies for your different perspectives! I think I am going to talk to him and tell him how I feel regarding this conversation and his delivery. I'll decide from there how to proceed. I really appreciate your help!

 

[nelcoy]

I think it was a very important conversation to have. You got to see how he acts when somebody disagrees with something that he believes to be true. I wouldn't right him off, because nobody is perfect, but I would let him know it's not cool when he is talking over you or hollering just to get his point across.

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

I think this is a red flag. I'm Catholic but I wouldn't date someone who believes their religion is the absolute truth and who doesn't have respect for other religions because that's not how I was raised and it would become a problem down the road in marriage and raising children. Also, as others have said his delivery is also a cause for concern because he wouldn't even let you explain your POV. In relationships, disagreements are going to happen but it's how each partner handles it that matters and he did not handle this well.

 

[ThickHair]

I agree with the red flag part. I know for a fact that MY minister will not marry folks who do not see eye to eye on religious beliefs (unequally yoked). I know when I was going to marry in 2011 that is the first thing he ask, was did my future husband accept Jesus Christ as his personal savior and believed that he died on the cross for us. If not he would not marry us.

 

[Seeking8Rights]

I see no red flag.

A much needed discussion about how you felt during that debate, yes. But a red flag no.

There are topics that DH and I could burn a house down in disagreement with each other, but at the end of the day we love and respect each others different views and learn from them.

 

[menina]

i agree that his delivery is a absolute red flag. people can believe their beliefs are right without being disrespectful to others views. i'd just try to talk to him about how you're feeling about the whole thing. no comment on the rest of his rant.

 

[Mai Tai]

Sounds like one of those black men that feels like because he's is what is culturally considered successful...because he "made it", poor, uneducated, socially oppressed black folks with no resources can all make it too.

 

[DarkJoy]

Red flags all over. This actually pyssed me off for you.

I am also agnostic. The last thing we want is a stranger shoving their religion down our throats, much less a potential SO. It would never end! He is somewhat typical of the black bourgeousie (sp). Yes, they still exist. I was raised in a family with a parent like this and guess what?! All the snarky comments about your own people never stop. Imagine hearing that crap 24/7?

He disrespected you in tone and content. I bet he's also a tea-bagger or staunch conservative republican. Oh hell.... Casually, ask him his views on the role of women. I bet you'll be sadly surprised.

Honestly, having lived with someone like this my whole life? I would have written him off as soon as he started getting fired up.

Pardon me for making assumptions, but having my lifelong experience with bougie people has forever left a bitter taste in my mouth.

 

[hopeful]

I see no red flag.

A much needed discussion about how you felt during that debate, yes. But a red flag no.

There are topics that DH and I could burn a house down in disagreement with each other, but at the end of the day we love and respect each others different views and learn from them.

For the most part I agree with the above post. Dh said something the other day that I thought was sooo stupid. I checked him on it, then I let it go, but it was hard, I kinda really wanted to go in on him. But I love him, it just wasn't worth ruining the weekend over. Then the next day I said something that he thought was stupid and he let it go. You have to let him know that you won't have a man that talks too aggressively with you but that means you have to not be too aggressive either and fall back if a convo gets too heated. If he doesn't have a problem being too aggressive with you then that is a red flag. My belief is that men should treat women like ladies.

I think you two are going to have to sit down and come to an agreement on two things:

1. That you two can agree to disagree and that you will not fight to the death on anything. What's the point? You have to find a way to disagree in a respectful manner. I taught my dh long ago that I am always treated differently and special, you don't talk to me any old kind of way.

2. Can you come to an agreement on your religious views? Will you go to church together? Will you celebrate Easter and Christmas together? How would you raise children? Does he think you are an idiot for not thinking the way he does? That ultimately may be the crux of it all. You simply may not be able to have a long-term relationship because your views may not be compatible and there may not be any common-ground.

Y'all just need to really talk, especially if you are looking for a long-term relationship. And because your views are unique, you may want to have this kind of discussion early on with most guys. Not a debate either, but a this is my view on religion, what is yours? That may save you some heartache. I do think his views are a bit harsh and well, ridiculous, but if the other 90% of him is great, you really may not care, especially if he can learn to shut up.

 

[firecracker]

A load of red flags all around. If you don't mind being overtalked and your beliefs being belittled not to mention his thought on blacks as a whole then try to talk it out. Remember you cannot change an already determined mind. There are still some good men out in the world. They treat us how we allow them too. Wow at your mom's comment. Good luck with trying to change his mind and personality.

 

[onyxdreams]

It's the tone and stubbornness that are the red flags to me,however I would like to know his reaction if you called him out on his behavior. I would also be interested in how his family discuss matters, for example my mom has a forceful demeanor when discussing issues and we somewhat adopted her style to get our point across. I also like when someone has as much conviction and passion as I have when debating because that is what im use to Well hub didn't care for my style of debating at all when we married. He didnt appreciate my passion or defense and i thought he was wishie washie.
So I believe you need to discuss those issues again and when he becomes loud or dismissive call him out,don't back downand watch his behavior then form your decision.

 

[UmSumayyah]

We kept up our debate about religion and somehow got to the subject of race. Oh, I remember, he said something about how he can't stand afro-centric people and how they don't believe in the bible because it was used to justify slavery, is a white man's religion, etc. I asked him to expound upon that and he basically said that he gets sick of black people complaining about being oppressed because we never were. Our ancestors were sold into slavery by our own and they did not rise up when they reached America.

Untrue. There were lots of slave rebellions, some of them successful.

 

[Mahoganybeauty]

LBoogie85

I pretty much agree with hopeful and have nothing to add to this discussion but let us know how your conversation with him goes, I'm interested to hear his perspective of your disagreement.