People and their negative opinions about your hair

[hardymem]

Hey all,

Just wanted some of your opinions on how I could have handled this matter, had a coworker today that was looking at my hair. Initially she gave me a nice complement as I roller set it last night and she was saying how healthy and bouncy it looked. She then proceeded to touch my roots and said ooh you need a perm. I said I don't want a perm I'm stretching out my relaxer. she then told me well you need one your hair will fall out. There were other people around and I was really irritated and embarrased. Has this happened to any of you and if so, how did you respond?

thanks in Advance

 

[first2grace]

My mom does that to me all the time, and usually in public. You just have to dismiss it as their opinion. You know what your hair goals are and why you want to stretch your relaxers out. People shouldn't be so quick to feel on others' heads anyway, it's an invasion of personal space. Take the compliments and run with them, forget what the naysayers are saying. I want to see this rollerset! I can't get mine to cooperate anymore and I need some inspiration!!

 

[hardymem]

thanks for your nice words, it was my first one in a while, I used to do rollersets many years ago, but getting back into now because I am sick to death of buns.

 

[msa]

Hey all,

Just wanted some of your opinions on how I could have handled this matter, had a coworker today that was looking at my hair. Initially she gave me a nice complement as I roller set it last night and she was saying how healthy and bouncy it looked. She then proceeded to touch my roots and said ooh you need a perm. I said I don't want a perm I'm stretching out my relaxer. she then told me well you need one your hair will fall out. There were other people around and I was really irritated and embarrased. Has this happened to any of you and if so, how did you respond?

thanks in Advance

Depending on the way she said it, she may not have been purposely trying to insult you. I've come to realize that "hair talk" is one of the ways that black women bond, especially when they may not know each other very well. Being here, you may have healthier hair care practices than she does which is why those comments seemed off to you, but may others would have agreed with her.

I think next time someone says you "need a perm/relaxer" you can just say "No, I don't, but thank you for your concern". If they seem interested then maybe tell them about stretching relaxers. But, I've learned not to try to explain things to people about my hair care practices unless they have specifically asked me.

Now about the "you need a relaxer or your hair will fall out"...it depends on your mood. When people say things that are completely ignorant I do try to correct them, if I'm in a good mood and the person seems open to it. Obviously, that statement is wrong so you could explain to her why it's not true. Or you could just say "really? thank you for the advice" and keep it moving.

The way I respond to things really depends on my mood, the person's tone when they made the comment, and just how much time I have to explain.

 

[**Jade**]

I haven't had that exactly happen to me but I have had a co-worker (she even happened to be African american) that natural hair and braids were not professional. I just told her that professionalism is in the way you conduct yourself and that i happen to condust myself better in my natural state. She humpfed and said that it was just her opinion but it shut her up. i think that you just have to roll with the flow... you know... and tell her to mind her business (politely oof course) or enlighten her.

So sorry your having issues and stay strong girl you know you're doing the right thing for you.

 

[Sashaa08]

Your co-worker may have been trying to be helpful-repeating something that she has likely heard from other people or from a stylist. I would have said, "I stretch my relaxers all the time and I have never had any hair break or fall out. Do you know someone whose hair fell out because they held off on a relaxer?" Not be a smarty pants, but I would ask where their information was coming from -just out of curiosity and not as a challenge. Stretching relaxers may be damaging for some women (even on this board there are some women who stretching doesn't work for). I'd probably just end the conversation by saying, "Nope, I haven't had a problem with stretching my relaxers but good looking out!" and leave it at that.

 

[msa]

Your co-worker may have been trying to be helpful-repeating something that she has likely heard from other people or from a stylist. I would have said, "I stretch my relaxers all the time and I have never had any hair break or fall out. Do you know someone whose hair fell out because they held off on a relaxer?" Not be a smarty pants, but I would ask where their information was coming from -just out of curiosity and not as a challenge. Stretching relaxers may be damaging for some women (even on this board there are some women who stretching doesn't work for). I'd probably just end the conversation by saying, "Nope, I haven't had a problem with stretching my relaxers but good looking out!" and leave it at that.

Yup. I agree!

 

[MAMATO]

She was probably trying to give you some advice she thought was appropriate. So you should not care about that. But if she was trying to put you down (only you both know), here is a trick I used when people's comments are too aggresive for me. I am extremely polite in general but sometimes a girl needs to do what to be done. So while the person is still talking, I graciously open my handbag and take whatever I have handy (shewing gums, menthol candies, breath refresheners etc...) and while the person is still spreading his or her hateful comment, I'd say <<You may need some, please go ahead I don't mind sharing>>. Silence and peace of mind guaranteed

 

[complexsimplicity]

^^^^love it!! u r bold.

 

[Lynnerie]

I would tell her to worry about her hair and you will worry about yours. When I'm at work I discuss work issues and if women want to bond through hair talk they need to do the same thing you did.... join a hair forum.

I find this a touchy subject because I dealt with a lot of the same thing in my office with black women. Everyone's hair was fried and wanted to know when i was getting a relaxer. WHen I would stretch my relaxers and then get my hair done they saw the benefits of stretching. Now that I'm going natural and they know this my hair is no longer the topic of discussion.

Just tell them 1 good time that you are not here to debate about hair and there is a place if they are interested.

 

[Anew]

I wouldn't look at it as being negative, more like misguided. She doesn't really know any better. The first sign of new growth folks wanna through a relaxer on their heads, they just don't know. At one time a lot of us didn't know any better.

Last night my fiance's aunt asked how I dried my hair. I was relunctant to tell her and her sister but told them I air dried. I didn't go into the why's, just left it alone....

 

[heyfranz]

She may have been trying to give you a tip. I used to think the same way because my hair did fall out when i needed a touch up because i didn't know how to stretch. If she's really being helpful and you guys are just having girl "hair talk" you should tell her what you know about stretching and maybe you can help her also.

 

[Artemis]

I think next time someone says you "need a perm/relaxer" you can just say "No, I don't, but thank you for your concern". If they seem interested then maybe tell them about stretching relaxers. But, I've learned not to try to explain things to people about my hair care practices unless they have specifically asked me.

I agree with the bold. For the relaxer preventing hair from falling out, just say "I've never had that problem, but thanks for your concern" to that too.

There is a lady at my job who says something about either my skin or my hair (which by the way are the best they've been in a long time), always staring at me. She just said last week (for the 2nd time) that I need to cut my SL to my ears (her hair is ear length, by choice) and then I'd "look so gorgeous". I said, "No thank you, I'm not interested in short hair right now." (Remember this is my second time saying this) She says "Ugh! Why not?!" and I said "Because I wore short hair all through high school and it just got old". She then says, "Well, you should cut it", and finally, I just said "Thanks but no thanks. This is no longer up for discussion" and I walked away.

She was so She doesn't even bring it up anymore.

 

[SimpleKomplexity]

Hey all,

Just wanted some of your opinions on how I could have handled this matter, had a coworker today that was looking at my hair. Initially she gave me a nice complement as I roller set it last night and she was saying how healthy and bouncy it looked. She then proceeded to touch my roots and said ooh you need a perm. I said I don't want a perm I'm stretching out my relaxer. she then told me well you need one your hair will fall out. There were other people around and I was really irritated and embarrased. Has this happened to any of you and if so, how did you respond?

thanks in Advance

People think they are sooo smart. They only know what they have been taught. They have been taught all of their life that if you don't continually get a perme very 5 weeks, your hair will fall out. They do not care how healthy bouncy beautiful your hair is. They feel important to kno this information and want to share it with you....even if they are WRONG. I dun even try to explain anymore, because people are STUBBORN. I just say I get perms every 10 weeks and leave it at that.....

Then they proceed to tell em that I think I'm white blah blah.....blasphemy

 

[Eclass215]

I completely understand. And I wish I could think of a NICE way to respond to that - but i really can't. I think all you can really say is, "I appreciate your input, but I know what's best for my hair, thanks." I HATE when people think they know better than you do about your own hair or anything else for that matter.

 

[FluffyRed]

She may have been trying to give you a tip. I used to think the same way because my hair did fall out when i needed a touch up because i didn't know how to stretch. If she's really being helpful and you guys are just having girl "hair talk" you should tell her what you know about stretching and maybe you can help her also.

I had the same experience.

I might have said the same thing, several 3 months ago but I would not have volunteered to put my hands all up in your scalp to begin with.

Are y'all close?

 

[Carrie A]

Co- worker I really don't like people to touch my scalp. It's just one of my pet peeves. Relaxer stretching is something new I'm trying and I'll use plenty of protein to prevent breakage. But thanks.(Fake glassy smile from you).

 

[luxe.li.]

She's trying to give you advice, advice that you probably don't need, but I would just say no thank you, I'm stretching, and if she continues to be like "girl you're hair is going to fall out" don't even argue, it's not worth it, just say "thanks for the advice" and continue to do you.

When I told my friends I was transitioning and staying straight, they kept telling me my hair would fall out and to get sew in weaves and braids, well I might get braids, but my hair is not going to fall out or break off, I"ve been 6 months without a relaxer and straight and I take care of my hair just fine. I need pointers and tips every now and again, but I don't take advice from people who don't care to listen to my side of the story, so if you tell me my hair is going to break off and I tell you I hope not, I've been doing this and that and you shrug me off, like YEAH RIGHT, then I'mma ignore you, and prove you wrong when my hair is flowing down my back lmfao.

 

[hardymem]

You are so right with this, I did just say no I don't but it did irritate just a little bit.

"I think next time someone says you "need a perm/relaxer" you can just say "No, I don't, but thank you for your concern". If they seem interested then maybe tell them about stretching relaxers. But, I've learned not to try to explain things to people about my hair care practices unless they have specifically asked me."

 

[hardymem]

She was probably trying to give you some advice she thought was appropriate. So you should not care about that. But if she was trying to put you down (only you both know), here is a trick I used when people's comments are too aggresive for me. I am extremely polite in general but sometimes a girl needs to do what to be done. So while the person is still talking, I graciously open my handbag and take whatever I have handy (shewing gums, menthol candies, breath refresheners etc...) and while the person is still spreading his or her hateful comment, I'd say <<You may need some, please go ahead I don't mind sharing>>. Silence and peace of mind guaranteed

too funny I will have to try that one

 

[hardymem]

I had the same experience.

I might have said the same thing, several 3 months ago but I would not have volunteered to put my hands all up in your scalp to begin with.

Are y'all close?

Not that close, I was in the mailroom and she walked from the receptionist desk, about 10 steps away to touch my hair. I had to refrain from saying something about that to begin with.

 

[Lebiya]

Depending on if she was purposely trying to embarrass me or not, I would respond with a smart comment. If not, I would say no not yet and change the topic.

It’s weird, but People who try to give me crazy hair advice usually don’t have any hair themselves, so I dont bother sometimes.