On Forgiveness

[CarLiTa]

I’ve been thinking about this for the past couple of weeks, and I would really like your opinion on it. Feel free to answer any or all the questions, and provide your own experiences with forgiveness (forgiver or forgiven). Thanks!

What are your thoughts on forgiveness?

Do you need the wrong-doer to humble him/herself before you and to actually seek out your forgiveness for you to absolve them of what they did?

Or do you grant forgiveness without needing the apology?

(Is anything required for you to forgive? Or do you just do it, regardless of feelings (hurt, anger, etc.)?

Do you think one can forgive and still feel the hurt of the wrong-doer’s action? If you still hurt from something, does it mean that you have NOT forgiven?

Where does resentment fit into all of this?erplexed

Is forgiving an ACTION/DECISION or is it FEELINGS?
As in, do you either:
a) simply decide that you’re forgiving someone and that is it? ....or,
b) you wait until you no longer feel the pain, hurt, resentment, anger, etc. and conclude that you’ve now forgiven?

 

[Windsy]

Forgiveness speeds up the healing process.

I determine when and why I want to forgive the person; I don’t need them to apologize because forgiveness is for my benefit not theirs.

I forgive but I don’t always forget.

Forgiving is a decision and an action. I make the choice to forgive the person (within my own timing) and my actions display that I’ve forgiven the person. The hurt may still be there but my action doesn’t display “hurt” once I’ve decided to forgive.


Resentment is the result of lack of forgiveness.

 

[CarLiTa]

Forgiveness speeds up the healing process.

I determine when and why I want to forgive the person; I don’t need them to apologize because forgiveness is for my benefit not theirs.

I forgive but I don’t always forget.

Forgiving is a decision and an action. I make the choice to forgive the person (within my own timing) and my actions display that I’ve forgiven the person. The hurt may still be there but my action doesn’t display “hurt” once I’ve decided to forgive.


Resentment is the result of lack of forgiveness.

Windsy, thanks for your response. A few questions:

Does the first bolded apply in ALL situations? in high-stake situations (like a romantic relationship, for example) and/or in those where the wrongdoer is someone very close to you who HAS the opportunity to apologize?

For the second bolded: how do you ensure that your actions don't display hurt? Do you think that has to do with someone's personality, or is this something that everyone should be able to do?

 

[Windsy]

Does the first bolded apply in ALL situations? in high-stake situations (like a romantic relationship, for example) and/or in those where the wrongdoer is someone very close to you who HAS the opportunity to apologize?

Yes; I actually put that in action with my ex and he eventually apologized; I had to deal with him because of a child we share; I was either going to be miserable or have a peaceful interaction.



For the second bolded: how do you ensure that your actions don't display hurt? Do you think that has to do with someone's personality, or is this something that everyone should be able to do?

It’s a conscious effort and it’s hard to do….extremely hard to do. I had to learn to be angry with that situation and not the person as a whole. I had to learn how to temporarily put the situation out of my mind and deal with the person in that moment.

When it comes to forgiveness, I think some people are naturally good at it - almost child-like; other's have to work at it; some can never achieve it.

 

[ThatJerseyGirl]

CarLiTa - I will try to explain MY views on Forgiveness, as I have struggled with this same very issue some time ago. Im a lot older than most on this board so hopefully MY view can assist.

Forgiveness - To me, forgiveness is a decision. God requires it. When I forgive someone, I do immediately as soon as the offense is committed. Sure the offense hurts, but for ME, it relieves the person who offended me of any debt to me. It is done.

When a person does not forgive it makes you bitter and it causes you to harp on the pain. If you've read some of my posta regarding relationships, I would tell the sistas to never let someone live rent free in your mind and heart.

In order for Forgiveness to be effective and BENEFICIAL to you, it has to come from your heart. Even when the person does not acknowledge any wrong doing, our decision to forgive them should not be contingent on their acknowledgment or admission of guilt, because as I previously mentioned, you are chained to that pain and it will cause you to be bitter, which will allow room for the devil.

Again, I usually try to forgive a person immediately and if I see or hear from that person, I don't bring up the offense because I feel like if God can forgive me when I ask and forget about my offense, then I should try to do the same. In my experience, when I started soing this it made me stronger in that when I am offended, sure it hurts, but its like water off my back. I don't like harboring ill feelings in my heart.

I hope this helped. Im sure the other women will chime in. This is a very interesting subject.

 

[CarLiTa]

Thanks so much, ThatJerseyGirl. I have struggled with this a lot for almost 2 years now (oh goodness ) and I want to free myself from this negativity that I've been carrying around. I've done better this year than in 2010, but the past few months I've been revisiting a lot of the negativity and sadness, probably because of a hurt that is still fresh.

My mother recently told me that if something still hurts, then I haven't forgiven. It's interesting how people have many different views on what forgiveness means. What I've found consistent, however, is that many people DO say that it's a decision.

I don't know why, but I feel insincere when I make that decision myself... especially if I'm still feeling the pain (maybe it DOESN'T need to be sincere...? so long as I can remove anger from my future actions?)

I'm also confused about this: does wanting to understand motivations behind a wrongdoing = incomplete forgiveness?

I think I have a fear of looking weak for having forgiven... especially in situation where to forgive might mean continuing to interact with the wrongdoer... and potentially exposing yourself to more wrongdoing? I guess that's why I care so much about apologies. I forgive, you apologize --> we both take accountability for what happens next.

I'm rambling, so I'll stop there.

 

[Windsy]

@CarLiTa - I will try to explain MY views on Forgiveness, as I have struggled with this same very issue some time ago. Im a lot older than most on this board so hopefully MY view can assist.

Forgiveness - To me, forgiveness is a decision. God requires it. When I forgive someone, I do immediately as soon as the offense is committed. Sure the offense hurts, but for ME, it relieves the person who offended me of any debt to me. It is done.

When a person does not forgive it makes you bitter and it causes you to harp on the pain. If you've read some of my posta regarding relationships, I would tell the sistas to never let someone live rent free in your mind and heart.

In order for Forgiveness to be effective and BENEFICIAL to you, it has to come from your heart. Even when the person does not acknowledge any wrong doing, our decision to forgive them should not be contingent on their acknowledgment or admission of guilt, because as I previously mentioned, you are chained to that pain and it will cause you to be bitter, which will allow room for the devil.

Again, I usually try to forgive a person immediately and if I see or hear from that person, I don't bring up the offense because I feel like if God can forgive me when I ask and forget about my offense, then I should try to do the same. In my experience, when I started soing this it made me stronger in that when I am offended, sure it hurts, but its like water off my back. I don't like harboring ill feelings in my heart.

I hope this helped. Im sure the other women will chime in. This is a very interesting subject.

Wonderful post....I believe the older I get, forgiveness becomes a lot easier; I haven't quite gotten to the point that I forgive immediately as soon as the offense happens...I'm hoping to get to that point too...it would be extremely beneficial in a marriage to be able to get to that point.