Needing the *RIGHT* Answer

[pbuckley]

When disagreeing with your husband and his insecurities.

If your husband was to ask you not to workout at the gym during your lunch break anymore, simply because if his issues with trust - He doesn't want you to stop full time just wants you to take a break until he feels comfortable with you going again. And you did not comply. And he know feels like you hold no value to his wishes, you are not on the same team with him, because he is uncomfortable. Should you do like the bible says and Obey your husband? I'm kinda at a loss with this one. Please help.

 

[Shimmie]

When disagreeing with your husband and his insecurities.

If your husband was to ask you not to workout at the gym during your lunch break anymore, simply because if his issues with trust - He doesn't want you to stop full time just wants you to take a break until he feels comfortable with you going again. And you did not comply. And he know feels like you hold no value to his wishes, you are not on the same team with him, because he is uncomfortable. Should you do like the bible says and Obey your husband? I'm kinda at a loss with this one. Please help.

"Agree" with him. Lose the word "obey" and agree with him. The word obey in this day and time brings about 'resentment' and rebellion in women. Another word is also 'yield' to him. Just yield to what he is asking you to do.

Also, talk about it. Not argue or demand to know why, but just talk about it, 'asking', "Honey, I hear and I care about your feelings with this, but talk to me...tell me why. I want to know and understand why this bothers you."

Now, I can guarantee you this....Men DO NOT LIKE TO TALK ABOUT IT. So if he does not give you a table format of discussion, let it go.

May I tell you a secret? You have the upper hand in prayer. Oh indeed you do.

Also, I learned something from our forum brother, BlkManWithSomeSense; he so wisely advises, "Choose your battles." Otherwise you will lose your ground and effectiveness in communication and agreements.

It's not about the gym so much as it is we as woman willing to yield our 'will' to someone other than ourselves. We want it to be 'our' decision to leave the gym, not being forced. And I agree...who is he to be 'bossing' me?' "Lock down..." (No, no, please don't 'lock down' on him).

But please affirm him in this. Our men need this. And little by little keep affirming all those things about his wonderful character and feelings of selfworth which you see the enemy trying to eat away.

You do not need the gym as much as you need him. I promise you, no matter how 'unfair' or unreasonable this seems, he's worth it and so are you. "It's not about the gym....it's all about him, so love him and give in... for now

Angel...remember this and don't ever forget it..."Marriage is work, that's why it takes a wife to make it succeed."

Something else. Your husband will always be the head....however....you're the neck that turns it. What would he ever do without beautiful you?

 

[GodsPromises]

I can attest to want Shimmie stated. Yield to your husband and chose your battles.

I have/am learing that prays works. I am learning to go to the Lord with my disagreements instead of going to my husband. It works believe me it works.

 

[pbuckley]

I hear the both of you and Shimmie you are right he does not want to communicate about it. But, after having baby number 2 and working so hard at getting the old me back and then deciding that I want more that my body can be better and in knowing that this is something that I have come to enjoy - I repeat I enjoy my weight lifting class, I enjoy my time on the elliptical, this is the only 45 min to an hour that I get in a days time just for me, alone with my thoughts, doing something I enjoy. And, even though I know he has issues and that I should yield to him, he's wanting me to seems so selfish. Simply b/c he has Golf and thats his passion and on occasion during the weekend it takes his time away from us and I don't resent him for it. My gym time is only Mon-Fri and only during my lunch hour, it takes nothing away from my time with him or the kids. It just seems as though I am being punished for his insecurities. After telling him that I would not stop and it setting my home in disarray, I decided to fast by giving up my gym time and in this time I have been praying. My fast will end today and while I can't say that I have missed my time working out, because I was truly filled in my fasting and praying. But I have noticed a decline in my energy and I am just really ready to get back to it. I would like to start back at the gym on Tuesday. I don't even know how to approach him with this. I have been seeking counsel from God on how to approach him and ask him if its okay for me to return, I know that I am going to be deeply hurt if he tells me no.

 

[Bunny77]

I'm gonna admit right now that my biblical knowledge isn't all that strong... but here's my question...

Isn't part of the yielding/submission based on the fact that the man is also supposed to love his wife as Christ loved the church? It's not a one-way street, from what I understand.

Based on your explanation, there is no good reason why he has an objection toward you visiting the gym and he is not acting out of love for you... as you said, his response is an irrational one, not a loving one. Or if he did have a "loving" reason as to why you shouldn't go, his love for you should make him willing to communicate with you about his concerns.

I say all of that and realize that I have no answer for your question... but I'm just thinking out loud wondering why a woman must yield if the husband is not also fulfilling his obligation?

 

[GodsPromises]

I understand your question and at times I have struggled with that as well. I can tell you how my marriage was in turmoil becasue I felt that he wasn't treating me as the bible says he should so I didn't have to listen to him. My attitude was " whatever". Then the Lord took me to 1 Peter 3:1 that stated that "wives be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they without a word may be won by the conduct of their wives". So after reading that I decided to be the wife that God has made me to be and do the right thing and prayed for our marriage. So I am saying that even if our husbands are unsaved or just not walking in the word we still have to do what we are told to do by the Lord as be submissive to our husbands as long as it is not illegal.

Now also remember that in Corthanias ( I will have to find the exact scripture) it states that if a man does not do right by his wife his prayers would be hinder. So that is something to go by. We shouldn't throw that up in our husbands face it is someting to know.

I'm gonna admit right now that my biblical knowledge isn't all that strong... but here's my question...

Isn't part of the yielding/submission based on the fact that the man is also supposed to love his wife as Christ loved the church? It's not a one-way street, from what I understand.

Based on your explanation, there is no good reason why he has an objection toward you visiting the gym and he is not acting out of love for you... as you said, his response is an irrational one, not a loving one. Or if he did have a "loving" reason as to why you shouldn't go, his love for you should make him willing to communicate with you about his concerns.

I say all of that and realize that I have no answer for your question... but I'm just thinking out loud wondering why a woman must yield if the husband is not also fulfilling his obligation?

 

[Shimmie]

Bunny77, I hear you...but two wrongs never make a right. The devil WANTS conflict, however, if only one is doing battle, he/she can't battle all by themselves. Sooner or later, one has to concede. Getting married means simply that, 'getting married' and we have to conform to one another.

Yes...Darlin' !!! It's frustrating, :crying: but someone has to choose to yield first, if it's the wife, so ever gently, be it. God has promised His recompense of great reward; we "DO" reap what we sow. I can choose to 'battle' this out with him and make things worse or 'love' him into the two of us coming into agreement.

LadyR is totally correct, she lives by the word she shared, we as wives have to yield to the word even if our husbands do not. And they will 'follow'...Oh yes they will. The Word Says so, and I'm not giving credence to failure. I refuse to. That's the entire beauty of life...having God's word to 'fix' what we cannot. Having the answers to back us up, when we've lost all hope.

Bunny and pbuckley, yielding doesn't make us a 'doormat', instead it keeps us open to the will and the wisdom of God to prevail. Trust me, we (as wives) always get even...Yeah we do... Ummm, they (husbands) need us.

Here's God's word for you to prove it... I Peter 3: verses 1, 5, 7.

1 Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;

5 For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands:

7) Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.
___________________

Yielding....It's not as hard as we think it is. Right now it's an issue that ticks us off and it's like 'Hold up...Mr.' this ain't Roots...you are not my 'masstah'. Yielding is not 'slavery' or surrendering in failure...it's love.

 

[Shimmie]

I hear the both of you and Shimmie you are right he does not want to communicate about it.

But, after having baby number 2 and working so hard at getting the old me back and then deciding that I want more that my body can be better and in knowing that this is something that I have come to enjoy - I repeat I enjoy my weight lifting class, I enjoy my time on the elliptical, this is the only 45 min to an hour that I get in a days time just for me, alone with my thoughts, doing something I enjoy.

And, even though I know he has issues and that I should yield to him, he's wanting me to seems so selfish. Simply b/c he has Golf and thats his passion and on occasion during the weekend it takes his time away from us and I don't resent him for it. My gym time is only Mon-Fri and only during my lunch hour, it takes nothing away from my time with him or the kids. It just seems as though I am being punished for his insecurities. After telling him that I would not stop and it setting my home in disarray, I decided to fast by giving up my gym time and in this time I have been praying. My fast will end today and while I can't say that

I have missed my time working out, because I was truly filled in my fasting and praying. But I have noticed a decline in my energy and I am just really ready to get back to it. I would like to start back at the gym on Tuesday. I don't even know how to approach him with this.

I have been seeking counsel from God on how to approach him and ask him if its okay for me to return, I know that I am going to be deeply hurt if he tells me no.

First of all, you are not wrong for needing this time for yourself. I repeat you are NOT wrong. AND yes, he truly is being selfish. I agree.

Now, when I was married, I had the same issues. Although I wasn't going to a gym, after having my last baby, I began to get back into shape. The more weight I lost, the more he pouted. AND he wanted me to gain the weight back. Was he nuts. Yes!!! He was!!!

Men do this!!!!! Why, I do not know, but they do this!!! Uggggg!

But I will say this, if your husband is noticing the wonderful and beautiful changes in your 'new' body, as a man, he KNOWS that other men are noticing you too.

Come on now! We know how the gym is set up. While you're on the eliptical, with your headset and focusing on your Heart Rate/MPH/BMH/Level 1's and 3's/...... someone is 'eyeing' you from behind. Hey! I know cause' they're looking at my behind all the time and I make it a point to cover my Derrierre with XXXL T-shirts.

Are you smiling? Come on, just one? Believe me, I can feel your pain in this. If I had to give up my dance classes and the gym, I'd be hurting too. The energy we attain from these exercises are a natural high and we just feel better, we really do. So, I do understand.

Now, we (you, me, and the sisters here are going to agree in prayer for God to repair this and to allow you to have your ''ME" time.

In the meantime, plan some 'HE' time with him. Yes, we are going to 'spoil' your husband. Yield your heart and feelings about this to the Lord. Ask God to clear the path to his heart to understand your feelings and to release his selfishness which is wanting you all to himself - no other men looking at you; and his fears of losing you.

Take a milk bath with him (I use powered buttermilk from the health food stores or here - www.fromnaturewithlove.com ) and it's very soothing. I do not recommend a bubble bath for it tends to irritate our tender areas. Milk is a wonderful soother. (Use any kind of powdered milk).

Light a candle, and have some soft music. Lie back in his arms and relax with him. Caress his heart with just being there in quiet peace enjoying these special moments of just relaxing.

While you're in the tub, 'talk to him' ... sing a soft song to him... love him and then let him know how you feel and how you can re-schedule your 'me' time to make both of you happy. He'll yield. He better or no golfing.

From now on, use the 'tub' and milk bath as your 'meeting' place to have 'Discussions' --- Do not talk about these issues in bed --- and do not drown him in the tub if he's stubborn.

If the tub is not an option, wash his hair in the shower, and you can't come up with any excuses, this is the 'Hair Care' forum.

Have 'soft' shower talks with him. The idea is to have a sensual meeting place away from the bedroom. If you have to, create one of your closets into a romantic hide-a-way and just have 'fun' with each other in there with a flashlight. (but don't hit him over the head if he acts clueless)

Okay, I'm not going off topic...I'm making a point about 'yielding'. Make it loving and make it fun. Because if you don't make yielding pleasureable, the enemy will come into your heart and into your marriage with anger and resentment to destroy it. We have to meet this challenge with the joy and love of God so that peace is in your home and marriage.


I have many exercises that I can email to you, that you share with your husband. I have several Belly Dance moves (soft ones) to share that will help you as well and he will love them. They will surprise your husband and your body will also take great shape in ways that the gym cannot give you.

If you are interested just send me a PM and I'll give you my home email address. I don't mind helping. Although I am single, Marriage is my ministry gift. For some reason, God has put this into my heart and I've seen so many woman blessed from what the Lord gives me.

Let me know, I don't have all the answers but with what I do know, I'll help all that I can. So will the rest of the members here. This is not a loss cause, I promise.

Smile for us....let's see that pretty smile of yours. We'll fix this. With the loving help of the Lord and with each other, I promise we will all fix this. You're not alone. We're all here to help each other.

Loving hugs....

 

[alexstin]

In regards to scripture where it refers to submission. Just know that the word submit(hupotasso in greek) is in middle voice which means it is not active. It also means it is voluntary. The husband cannot say "you must submit" and the wife doesn't need to say "I am forced to submit."

According to Eph 5:21 we submit ourselves one to another in the fear of the Lord. I won't go into the Greek but it is a continuous submitting not a one time thing and again it is voluntary.

God did ordain a certain order but it should be out of mutual respect for each others needs and desires.You are equal but have different roles to play in your marriage. The husband is responsible for the spiritual welfare of the home and the wife supports him. It's not unlike soldiers underneath an officer. They work together to get the job done.


I absolutely believe in submitting to my DH so I am not telling you to disregard your husband's feelings at all! I think you two need to talk about it (maybe in the tub like Shimmie suggested )and really get to the heart of the matter and then you hear what God is speaking to you.

 

[HWAY]

This is a great thread. I enjoyed your answers Shimmie, alexstin, and LadyR. I have only been married 5 years and was a single parent before I married. Being submissive and yielding is difficult at times. I'm much better than at the beginning and my marriage is better for it. Reading this thread helps me be a better wife.

 

[Shimmie]

In regards to scripture where it refers to submission. Just know that the word submit(hupotasso in greek) is in middle voice which means it is not active. It also means it is voluntary. The husband cannot say "you must submit" and the wife doesn't need to say "I am forced to submit."

According to Eph 5:21 we submit ourselves one to another in the fear of the Lord. I won't go into the Greek but it is a continuous submitting not a one time thing and again it is voluntary.

God did ordain a certain order but it should be out of mutual respect for each others needs and desires.You are equal but have different roles to play in your marriage. The husband is responsible for the spiritual welfare of the home and the wife supports him. It's not unlike soldiers underneath an officer. They work together to get the job done.


I absolutely believe in submitting to my DH so I am not telling you to disregard your husband's feelings at all! I think you two need to talk about it (maybe in the tub like Shimmie suggested )and really get to the heart of the matter and then you hear what God is speaking to you.

Pastor Alextin: You know what? The Lord always speaks to me when I'm in or around 'water'.

I'm serious. When I'm in the tub, the shower, washing my hair or even especially when I'm washing dishes (yes even the dishwasher); or the laundry. That's another one of the reasons, I strongly advised our precious sister to use the bath as a place of communication and quiet to talk with her husband.

It's comforting to know that I can always hear Him when I near water. Does this happen to you?

 

[alexstin]

Pastor Alextin: You know what? The Lord always speaks to me when I'm in or around 'water'.

I'm serious. When I'm in the tub, the shower, washing my hair or even especially when I'm washing dishes (yes even the dishwasher); or the laundry. That's another one of the reasons, I strongly advised our precious sister to use the bath as a place of communication and quiet to talk with her husband.

It's comforting to know that I can always hear Him when I near water. Does this happen to you?

Now Shimmie, why did you go and call me a Pastor? Can't let my DH see that. We started a ministry a few months ago and DH keeps referring to me as Copastor. I am VERY uncomfortable with that as I see my dominant gift as that of a Teacher. I function as a pastor when needed but to call myself that...... .

I can't say that I hear God more when I'm near water. That's interesting. What is the siginificance of that I wonder.

 

[Shimmie]

Now Shimmie, why did you go and call me a Pastor? Can't let my DH see that. We started a ministry a few months ago and DH keeps referring to me as Copastor. I am VERY uncomfortable with that as I see my dominant gift as that of a Teacher. I function as a pastor when needed but to call myself that...... .

I can't say that I hear God more when I'm near water. That's interesting. What is the siginificance of that I wonder.

You ARE a Pastor. Your heart of ministering to others needs shows through without having to 'know' you. Yet, I do. You don't mince words and I also see you as the pillar and the pillow that your husbands leans and rests upon.

Ministry as we know is no easy journey. Yet, you follow the voice and the love that 'calls' you. The voice of Jesus...."Follow Me."

You have a needle and yard (not thread) that mends the hurting hearts for there are many that surround you and your husband. Without you, he'd never fulfill his call without a 'fall'.

Not a play on words, but looking to the 'yarn' (instead of thread), it's your comfort that keeps him 'tied together', for no one knows the pressures that come upon him....the 'constant' pull to have the answers and the cries of the hearts who continue with 'feed me'. It's higher than the price of any grocery bill. It the price of their souls being nourished, as they 'grow' in Jesus.

Yet you are there, gently knitting his spirit and helping him tie it all together with no loose ends.

Yes, you are a Pastor. Your husband has called you out and THAT is an honor for there are many male Pastors who will not, for fear of being less.

You will always make your husband 'more.'

Now as for the water....maybe it's because I spend so much time there . Gee whiz, I must be pretty clean....or in need thereof.

Loving hugs to you, Dearest Pastor and my sister in Christ... I 'speak' blessings over your ministry in Jesus name!

 

[alexstin]

Shimmie,

That was so very sweet. Thank you so much. You know, this journey(starting a ministry) has brought up so many of my insecurities. I am a "behind the scenes" person and will willingly support whoever leads. Frankly, I don't really care to lead but I know God is faithful and is maturing me in this area. One day soon I know it will be just as natural for me as breathing. God has gifted me with a wonderful spouse who exhorts me with the heart of not only a husband but as my pastor. Because of God and Dh I am seeing the Valerie that the Father had in mind before the foundations of the world.

Thanks so much for your encouragement and blessing.

You ARE a Pastor. Your heart of ministering to others needs shows through without having to 'know' you. Yet, I do. You don't mince words and I also see you as the pillar and the pillow that your husbands leans and rests upon.

Ministry as we know is no easy journey. Yet, you follow the voice and the love that 'calls' you. The voice of Jesus...."Follow Me."

You have a needle and yard (not thread) that mends the hurting hearts for there are many that surround you and your husband. Without you, he'd never fulfill his call without a 'fall'.

Not a play on words, but looking to the 'yarn' (instead of thread), it's your comfort that keeps him 'tied together', for no one knows the pressures that come upon him....the 'constant' pull to have the answers and the cries of the hearts who continue with 'feed me'. It's higher than the price of any grocery bill. It the price of their souls being nourished, as they 'grow' in Jesus.

Yet you are there, gently knitting his spirit and helping him tie it all together with no loose ends.

Yes, you are a Pastor. Your husband has called you out and THAT is an honor for there are many male Pastors who will not, for fear of being less.

You will always make your husband 'more.'

Now as for the water....maybe it's because I spend so much time there . Gee whiz, I must be pretty clean....or in need thereof.

Loving hugs to you, Dearest Pastor and my sister in Christ... I 'speak' blessings over your ministry in Jesus name!

 

[Shimmie]

Shimmie,

That was so very sweet. Thank you so much. You know, this journey(starting a ministry) has brought up so many of my insecurities. I am a "behind the scenes" person and will willingly support whoever leads. Frankly, I don't really care to lead but I know God is faithful and is maturing me in this area. One day soon I know it will be just as natural for me as breathing. God has gifted me with a wonderful spouse who exhorts me with the heart of not only a husband but as my pastor. Because of God and Dh I am seeing the Valerie that the Father had in mind before the foundations of the world.

Thanks so much for your encouragement and blessing.

Be ready to lead, angel. You have to. Your ministry is about to grow by leaps and bounds. Some will be spurts here and there, but you are going to experience much growth. Just be ready. Actually, go to the waters, together...

Pastor Alexstin, guess what? The waters... Okay, where was Jesus' mininstry focused ... He met John the Baptist .....at the waters; He met His diciples at the waters; He said ''Peace be Still' at the waters; before His assention to Heaven, he met them at the waters....

You know there's a lot in the Bible that happen in or at the waters...Elisha slapped the waters with his coat and the waters receded for him to cross over....he slapped the waters again.

Hmmmmm, the waters

Much love to you, angel. See, you done gave me a relevation.

 

[BlkManWithSomeSense]

When disagreeing with your husband and his insecurities.

If your husband was to ask you not to workout at the gym during your lunch break anymore, simply because if his issues with trust - He doesn't want you to stop full time just wants you to take a break until he feels comfortable with you going again. And you did not comply. And he know feels like you hold no value to his wishes, you are not on the same team with him, because he is uncomfortable. Should you do like the bible says and Obey your husband? I'm kinda at a loss with this one. Please help.

We Christians must take care of our bodies . As we are believers and indwelt by the holy spirit we become the temple of God therefore we must treat our bodies as the house of God (Reference 1 Corinthians 3:16.)

I firmly believe nourishment for the body falls right behind nourishment for the soul. I'm deeply saddened that your husband is not supporting you on this issue. As shimmie has said, I am a big believer in picking your fights. The last thing to do is supersede his wishes because that only adds fuel to the fire. The situation must be handled delicately, particularly because his insecurities are involved.

It concerns me that he has seemingly closed discusson on this issue because communication is paramount in a marriage. He says that you are not being a team player but neither is he right now because he is unwilling to compromise or maintain an open dialog. He must respect how important this is to you and recognize that. He should at least offer what time frame did he have in mind for you to take.

The key is to allay his insecurities. Clearly his confidence needs to be uplifted in order to feel comfortable enough to agree. My question is do you feel this issue is of essential importance? If it is, then do not give up until he is willing to compromise or agree. He cannot be dismissive to a determined heart. However, while you campaign the effort, yes I think you should yield... for now because the action you took went over his head. Yielding hopefully will bring talks back to the table. He will eventually have to address this issue because you are not letting up.

 

[Shimmie]

We Christians must take care of our bodies . As we are believers and indwelt by the holy spirit we become the temple of God therefore we must treat our bodies as the house of God (Reference 1 Corinthians 3:16.)

I firmly believe nourishment for the body falls right behind nourishment for the soul. I'm deeply saddened that your husband is not supporting you on this issue. As shimmie has said, I am a big believer in picking your fights. The last thing to do is supersede his wishes because that only adds fuel to the fire. The situation must be handled delicately, particularly because his insecurities are involved.

It concerns me that he has seemingly closed discusson on this issue because communication is paramount in a marriage. He says that you are not being a team player but neither is he right now because he is unwilling to compromise or maintain an open dialog. He must respect how important this is to you and recognize that. He should at least offer what time frame did he have in mind for you to take.

The key is to allay his insecurities. Clearly his confidence needs to be uplifted in order to feel comfortable enough to agree. My question is do you feel this issue is of essential importance? If it is, then do not give up until he is willing to compromise or agree. He cannot be dismissive to a determined heart. However, while you campaign the effort, yes I think you should yield... for now because the action you took went over his head. Yielding hopefully will bring talks back to the table. He will eventually have to address this issue because you are not letting up.

We needed this. As women we love loving our men, but it doesn't have to 'strip' us of ourselves to the point of despair.

Thank God for your open heart to share and lift us up. I know it's not easy for you to 'allow' us to win all the time but we're here to comfort your bruises should there be any.

Perhaps you could start a thread for us called, "The Care and Feeding of Men without Losing your Soul", from a brother who cares about his sisters.

BlkManWSS, You have a wonderful ministry which is needed by all. We bless you and love you. Please stay with us.