My SO relapsed

TrulyBlessed:

My heart and prayers go out to you and your SO. Although I have not gone through anything similar, I can say that only you can weigh the decision to stay with him or not. Your SO has the control over his life and unfortunately he decided to relapse last night- that decision does not mean that he will stay in the relapse but again that is his choice.

BTW, Does he attend any AA meetings or is he in direct contact with the pastor at church?

I earnestly pray for the best for you both.
 
I'm sorry to hear that...I'm glad he was honest to you about it. Admittance is the first step to recovery...he could have just lied and went with "I was tired," etc, but he chose to come clean. It's up to you to stay or go in this situation and you shouldn't be held to more than you can bare! I believe with something like this, a person is a work in progress and when certain "rocks" in his life no longer existed (ex, church) he fell back into that "Screw it, one time won't hurt" mentality. Especially if things have been going as bad as they were.

I'll be praying for you both. Put everything on a scale and see which side bares the most weight, and ask yourself if that's a burden you're willing to carry. I hope he can get himself some help. If he went a year, he should just dust himself off, count it as a mistake he regrets, and keep it moving with proper treatment. Best wishes!
~*Janelle~*
 
I am very sorry you are going through this. :bighug:

My ex-husband had a bad drug problem. We were married for 6 years. He would be clean for a year, relapse, stay clean another year, relapse. After our son was born, he could not stay clean for long so I ended up divorcing him.

Every situation is different. Both my parents were alcoholics. My mother died of cirrhosis. The addict will likely relapse over and over again. It's a lifelong struggle. So you have to figure out if you want to deal with that. Relapse is not a sign of some personal defect. You feel betrayed when the person relapses but it's not about you and it's not because they were weak. It truly is a disease that has physical and psychological triggers. The holidays are a very bad time for relapsing.

I really recommend the HBO series on addiction. They are really helpful and informative. I learned a lot watching those programs. One reason why people fail in rehab in the U.S. is because 30 days is not long enough. In Canada, their programs are 6 months long and those people don't have the relapse rate we do. It's important the addict stay in a long term program and have family support.

For you to feel better about the situation, if you decide to stay with him, definitely go to al anon. There is nothing you can do to help him stay sober but if you love him, you can still be there for him without being codependent or enabling.

If you have any questions, feel free to pm me.
 
I would say if you really love him then your relationship needs to take a break until he can get on his feet and be sober.

One of the rules for recovering alcoholics is they shouldn't be in a relationship for a certain period. Since he has relapsed he has to start over.

I know you love him but he isn't your husband. I don't know, is he? If he is a bf no matter your history I would let it go. Tell him to call you when he is well - and has been well for a while.
 
:runninghug:

I will definitely say a prayer for you and him. It's heartbreaking, it really is. But god can work miracles. I have seen it, too. Take care of yourself and Pm me anytime.
 
Truly Blessed (and you ARE definitely truly blessed), I posted this for you in the Christianity forum... :kiss: I'm so sorry for your friend's relapse. Here's my message to you from your other thread in the CF. I hope this helps others who do not visit the CF as well. Please forgive all of my typos.
____________________________

Shimmie said:
Oh Sweetheart, I've been here with my ex-husband and my son. Please hear this.

Your friend will not make it without AA AND God. God created AA and AA is your answer to prayer for your husband.

*Sigh* How can I explain this other than to say, that God cannot effectively deliver your friend with Church only. God designed AA for a reason, being that it's members and participants have been in the same hell and path of destruction and they know how to pull each other out of it.

They 'own' the 12-Step program and it's success is not by accident; for God designed this process. It's also Biblical for each step is designed to make the addict strive to the next level and he is also held accountable by those with whom is in alliance with.

Why do you think your friend failed? The missing link was AA. Right now, he is using excuses for not attending church. His relapse is due to not being held accountable to one in his position. AA participants are assigned sponsors who KNOW the manipulation of addicts, and they do not play games with an addict. AND addicts know addicts, therfore your friend has no other choice than to get his act together.

I know you love him, but you are also enabling him. I can read it all through your post. How can I say this? Easy, because I was there and it took my son and his sponsors to show me that i was indeed making it easy for my son to stay an addict and not seek his full recovery.

Indeed God is the Final Answer and you have to recognize that this is God's answer making your friend be held accountable for his actions. I'm giving you fair warning sweetheart; his recovery is not going to happen in the state that he is not win.

Baby, if you love this man, than look at the signs and face up to the truth.

The signs:

* He lives with his mother (lack of responsibility) and he will stay there and NOT move towards agressive recovery.

* He is not in an AA program where he belongs and he 'KNOWS' this. He's not ignorant of this.

* He has not placed himself in the hands of someone to be held accountable to.

* He blames -- using his mothers as his EXCUSE for not being able to go to church. ("The Addicts National Anthem), it's always because of someone else that he/she cannot be or do what they are supposed to
be doing. Since when does he need him momma to take him to church? He's a grown man, he needs to live like one.

* When a man really wants to do something, he will do it. Did he find a way to relapse? Did he find a way to lose his job? Did he find a way back to his mothers' house? Is he still there? He knew the distance of his mother's homes that would be a traveling challenge. He knew he didn't have his own transportation. He is the one who placed himself in the position to have to move. Addicts do this and they 'play' on the excuses.

Darling one, Addiction controls more than one actions to take a drug or a drink. It also controls one's mindset to help them place themselves the the Valley of Excuses for why they are their. They don't want to come out this valley and rather than admit this to those who have expectations of responsibility from them, they put themselves in postions and predicaments which give them excuses for not meeting our expectations.

This addiction (which is indeed is a demonic spirit) has him and his actions and mindset are clearly an indication that he has placed himself in a position to stay in addictive relaspe. Yes, you see addicts are also addicted to 'relaspe.'

AND this is where your spiritual growth and strength comes in. The enemy wants to bind you from seeing the reality of this so that you will continue to enable his addiction, by what you feel is loving him and supporting him, when actually satan is using your emotional attachment to keep you from dicerning the demonic spirits which are keeping your boyfriend bound in this addictive state.

Yes, your friend still and will always need Church fellowship, but do you see how satan has distracted him and has succeeded in getting him away from God's word? And until your friend has the right treatment, by the right persons (AA), he will never adhere to the spiritual heights, depths, and growth that God has for him.

Pray for God to give your friend a Barnabus. A spiritual 'Father' and a Sponsor who will not take any excuses or stalls or resistance to his full recovery.

How do I know this? I had to let my son go and I did and God kept His promise to me to deliver my son. (Isaiah 27:3 -- I the Lord do keep it, I watch it day and night, least any hurt it....'let him make peace with me and he shall make peace with me). When I 'released' my son to the Lord, he placed my son in an in-house rehab and then a halfway house where he was held accountable for every action, excuse and lie that he tried to cook up. But they were on to each one as they knew them well, for they too used the same methods to excuse their addictions.

I learned a lot from the sponsors and my son's experience. God answered every single prayer to fully deliver my son, yet God also opened my heart and my eyes to see the truth, for without the truth, neither my son nor I would be free.

Precious one, my son made peace with God. I wanted to hold on to my son in Church and thought that it would work, but also I wanted to be able to 'watch' him. But God said no, let him go and let me have him to clean him and restore and make him what I designed him to be...a man of God who seeks and is modeled after me."

You have my heart in this Dearest One. You are not the only one who's been here. This is why they also have support groups for family and loved ones of addicts, for they have to be informed and armed with the truth. And these support groups are from God. It is actually the 'Church' that God has designed for addicts and their loved ones.

God is the one who designed AA...

I promise to pray for you and your friend. I know you love him...angel, I know. Stay strong and open to all that God wants to give you. :giveheart:
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Shimmie's post is on point, as usual. :yep: I'm glad she mentioned the spiritual role of the sponsor because a man needs another man to hold his feet to the fire. I don't think my ex ever stuck with a sponsor long because that person is supposed to work the steps with you and he wasn't ready to move forward in honesty.

Lots of folks go through money problems, lawsuits and other stressful situations. But since he has an illness, i.e, the addiction, he has never learned to deal with handling stress appropriately. He should go to AA. he should go to church. If he won't, keep your distance and you go to Al Anon and or church. Take care of yourself.
 
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