My parents are acting crazy... pls help (long)

[Sweetyb]

My parents have been together for almost 26 years, but in the past couple of months or so, I have witnessed, during the few weekends that I visit, the worst arguments they have ever had about each other. I was angered with this last one because it took place with my little sister just in the other room. The fact that, afterwards, my sister showed no emotion or reaction tells me that this must go on all the time and that she's used to it.

From this argument it, sounds like my mom & dad have been wanting to call it quits, and that my mom has been wanting my dad to move out for the past 2 years but he hasn't for financial reasons. They had utter disrespect for each other and kept bringing me in the middle of it all like a referee. They were just being verbally abusive and I could tell that much of their words were out of anger but not because they meant it. My dad has a lot of issues, and my mom has been his enabler over the years so I have no sympathy for her either. I told them they can't go on talking like this and that they need to seek counseling, especially my dad. Then I threatened that if they don't seek it soon that I'm going to their pastor about it (mind you, this is a church that gossips and my dad is a minister-in-training there).

I can start a long thread about what this is all about but that's not important. My only theory is that maybe they don’t have us at home anymore to abuse, so they’re abusing each other—I know, bad joke, but I have to laugh at something. My question is what do I do? I spoke with my siblings to give them a heads up and we are all shocked and saddened by what's going on, let alone know which family member we can turn to about this (there's no family or family friends we can trust with this issue). So I'm planning on having a talk with their pastor because he's been married for a longer period of time and may understand these marital "spats." My dad is in his masters program in ministry and has recently began attending services and classes without my mom, who is eventually going to her own separate church. I think it's hypocritical for my dad to be mentoring others yet have so many issues in the family, but he calls it “putting God first.” Would this be a good idea? Or would I just be starting more drama? Ultimately, I am so angered by their childishness that I could care less what they do with themselves… I’m just EXTREMELY worried for my little sister who is the only one left who still lives with them. I'm afraid that she will be scared more than we were. In the meantime, my siblings plan on flying her out to visit them weeks at a time starting next week… I wish I had pulled her away this weekend to stay with me… I might go back this week to have her stay with me again. Since graduation, I've really wanted to get out of this city but this really makes me want to have to stay in this city to live and continue full-time work here just so I can move my sister in with me eventually. My parents and I are also in a business together and we haven't done anything with it because one or the other is not talking... I really want to get out of it and transfer everything to them. I'm just so fustrated that I want almost nothing to do with them.




Please pray for us

 

[dreamer26]

I understand your pain. I grew up and left home and got married and then my parents got divorced. My father is also a preacher. And now that I'm all grown up and know a little bit about God. Sometimes when you're trying to walk in your call the devil will do everything he can to stop you. He doesn't care how he does it as long as he does it.

I think your parents do need to seek counseling so that they can decide what to do instead of living a life of emptiness and bitterness. I wished we would have gotten my parents the help they needed. I used to hate to go home because I would have to referee the arugment and heaven forbid I agree with one and not the other.

It will have an effect on the siblings that's left in the house but if you can talk to your parents and help them understand what this is doing to you and your sibling maybe they'll hear you and seek help. Sometimes things can go on so long that one will have to leave in order for some peace to be restored and the relation to be mended. Hopefully they won't have to get to that but be prepared.

I wasn't ready for my parents divorce. I've always had mom and dad together and it was hard for me even as a grown up. But keep them in pray and keep up with your siblings as much as possible and encourage them.

I will definately keep you in my prayers.

 

[Sweetyb]

Thanks so much for the reply. You sort of sound like my sister because she left for another state and got married without us there. Except now she's acting like my dad in their marriage and already seeking counseling. I'm glad you see counseling as a posibility, but they have to want to do it. I feel like we have to threaten them to seek it now, either by taking my sister away for the summer and none of us talking with them, or going to our gossiping relatives who hate my dad and confirm their qualms about him and my mom's foolishness. There are a lot of evil things we could do, but I would much rather spare it and have them act like adults and opt to seek counseling on their own. But believe me, I'll do whatever I have to do. I got the information about counseling during my break and will share it with my siblings to find out how to go about it.

It's no fun being in the middle, and I'm glad you understand. It's very aqward and I don't know how to handle it at times. But being the oldest I have to suck it up and like you said I have to remember not to side with anyone. My dad already thinks we hate him, and my mom isn't getting the comfort she thought she would get from me. I think I agree that one has to leave, definitely my dad but he's too prideful. He hasn't had a real job in decades and feel it would be an "insult" to have him leave the house he pays no bills for. But as long as he's there they need counseling. I really don't know why my mom put up with this for 20 yrs, just ridiculous. The only thing I could be proud of is how long my parents have been married for, but to think that may go down the drain really hurts and has caused my sibblings and I to really question everything and rethink our whole belief system. Thank you for keeping us in you prayers.

 

[Sweetyb]

Any suggestions on how to get them into counseling?

 

[jrae]

Any suggestions on how to get them into counseling?

Sweetyb, be careful being in the middle like this. It is not your responsibility to get them to go to counseling. Your father being a minister-in-training, knows all about counseling. You can ask them to go, pray for them, pray for their marriage, then give it to the Lord and step back.

 

[Zeal]

Sweetyb, remember that satan always goes for the juglar (which is family) When you have no family ties, You have nothing. I really don't know what to tell you to do in this situation except pray.

If you do sit your parents down and talk to them about counseling. Ask them to go to a "spiritual" counselor that neither one of them knows personally. This way, it won't be biased. I really don't know what to tell you. I will keep you in prayer

 

[dreamer26]

My mom just remarried this past May, and she and I were talking and you know she said that she wished her and my father knew how to work their marital issues out. She said that she sees now how it affected not just her but us.

She told me she just didn't know what to do. She didn't have a lot of support from her family either. All she knew was that divorced wasn't the thing to do then.

You know sometimes we think the grown up have all the answers when they don't, and they wished they had someone to give them the answers.


I don't know your parents and I really can't tell you what will work, but if I had to do it over again. I would buy two books on counseling or marriages that need help, or something like that and on the inside I would write

To Mom and/or Dad, I love you but your fighting and treatment of each other is causing me pain. Please seek counseling and direction from God.
Your Loving daughter.

I would give one to each of them and then pray about it and leave it God's hand and continue to love them.

We can't make anybody do anything, all we can do is plant the seed.

You are in my prayers.

 

[Sweetyb]

Thank you all for your responses. Yes, prayer works, faith works. I do have good news... my parents are on ok terms, good enough to want to go to counseling together! I'd like to think that maybe my empty threats worked .

dreamer26, I thank you so much for sharing your experience because it really helps. It seems like they've made us their reason for being together, but now that 3 of 4 of us are gone, they have to see that they have to have a relationship again. That's such a great idea to give them each a book on the topic! You're right in saying that being an adult doesn't mean you know everything. I'm just thankful that I'm old enough to catch them when they aren't acting right, 'cause if I was younger then yeah it would be out of my hands. I just want them to practice what they preach and making them feel guilty in the process, reminding them of the times they punished us all for acting the same way with eachother as kids, you know?

I hope you all keep us in your prayers because the fat lady won't sing until they've begun counseling.