My Heart Hurts...

[seraphim712]

Not physically... just emotionally. But I guess it starts to hurt physically when it feels like it's being squeezed from the emotional pain.

Is it unfair to think, I've done so many things for you, but what have you done for me? I couldn't help but think this after helping someone, esp. a family member for the 20th time, but I berate myself for thinking so selfishly and that I'm supposed to help my family no matter what...


The Cause? Here's a List:

Is it unfair to think, ' I've done so many things for you, but what have you done for me?' I couldn't help but thinking this after helping someone, esp. a family member for the 20th time, but I berate myself for thinking so selfishly, and that I'm supposed to help my family and loved ones no matter what: For example;When my mom calls and asks if I recieved my tax refund so I can buy her a birthday present(she told mespecifically what she wanted). This is where my selfish thinking comes to mind. I begin to think about how many times in the past where I didn't get what I asked for, and while in college she never called to wish me a happy birthday or sent me a gift. This is when I start scolding myself for thinking like that. Regardless,I love my mom and would go to the ends of the earth to get what she asked for.

When my significant other and I agree to do something together but ends up with him doing it by himself leaving me shorthanded: For example:We planned to file our taxes on the same day that was convenient for the both us due to the fact that we're both in college and have different class schedules. So we planned to get our taxes filed on the day we didn't have any classes at all (which is Thursday). But he ends up waking up earlier and doing it himself without letting me know, (and this was on a Wednesday!!!). So when I confront him about it/ he says that I was asleep and that he didn't want to wake me up. I confronted him about the fact that we were to do it on Thursday, but he didn't really have a plausible answer for that.

When people always assume the worst of me: For example I go to file my taxes today, and my significant other is with me, but then leaves to go wait in the car. When it came around for me to pay for the taxes being filed, I told the tax counselor ( I forgot the name you're suppose to call them) to take the payment out of my return. She tells me that I couldn't do that since my refund was going to be mailed to me instead of deposited into my bank acct.( I didn't have my routing number avail.) I told her that I was certain that she could deduct it automatically from my refund because I did the same thing last time.

Me guessing that the policies changed went ahead and paid with my debit card. So I finish up and get into the car. I ask him if he had to pay cash to file his taxes, he says no and that it was deducted from his refund which wasn't going to be to be deposited in his bank acct. He was getting his refund in the form of a check same as me. I told him what happened and said that she didn't know what she was doing and that he knew this from the beginning. I then asked "Well if you knew this, why didn't you stay to inform her just in case she and I overlooked something" (cause I was confused when it came down to certain things, and when I asked, she couldn't really explain properly). His reply "Well, I thought you didn't want me to be in there with you when you got your taxes filed, so I left." That answer confused me because he was with me last year when I filed my taxes, and he knows that if I didn't want him there, I would have let him known.(I informed him of that as well) But to me he seemed to have meant that I didn't want him there just to be a b**ch to him, which I don't do to people.

He said that he had a different person( at the same place) to do his taxes and that I should've asked him the name of the tax counselor so that person could've done my taxes. But in a place where I didn't expect things like that to happen, I didn't ask. That's when I told him that was the reason why we should've filed them on the same day. This made me depressed and sad. (I think he notice this since he didn't say much when he dropped me off at my apt.)

When your friends seem to forget that you were there friend: For example, my friend that I know now in college. When I ask her if she wants to go the the movies with me, she'll say no because the reason was that she had to work that day. But I find out through casual conversation with someone else the following day that she went to the movies with a group of friends that she and I both know, the same day I asked her. Or when she'll go hang out with friends that she and I both know but won't tell me.

The reason I mentioned that is due to the fact that the friends that were with her at that time ask me later on why I wasn't there to have fun. I let them know that I wasn't informed or asked to come, so when they ask her why she didn't tell me( since she's the only one who has my cell number), she'll say that it was because she was asked and didn't know if it was okay to ask me. They responded (which I've heard them say this before to someone else) if any of us knew someone else would like to come and hang out, just invite them since it's a gathering of friends to have fun, and that she knew this. To make matters worse, they all hang out at a place that's only 10 min away from where I live and have been doing so for while and she knew this.



All in all, I just had to get it off my chest and I feel a bit better by doing so. It just hurts because when I do try to sit down an talk about how some of these subjects make me feel (except for the one with my mom), I get either a smart ass remark, bad attitude, a deer caught in headlights reaction, or a shrug off. I guess it's because I'm always nice and not try to get angry. So if I do try to express something like wanting my own space to my significant other, for example, he'll take it as me not wanting to be around him at all. But it's just that I want some alone time to myself for a couple of hours.

And I always get put into the category of being like an old lady...erplexed
Since I'm always inside and reading, but when want to go out, everyone seems to be busy or occupied with everything else.


Update:
I don't know after reading this after I post it... I guess I am selfish and this entire post was nothing more that a meaningless rant... I apologize for typing it.

 

[WomanlyCharm]

What you've typed isn't meaningless...it's how you feel. I'm sorry you're going through this right now.

I don't think you are selfish, I think you are just being too nice to people. In turn they walk all over you, and take advantage of you. You see it happening, no wonder your heart hurts.

God can give you the strenght to work through those feelings, and understand what you need to do. Bring it to him, he's listening, believe me.

 

[Shimmie]

When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to that Rock that is higher than I...that is higher than I. Hear my cry O''God. Attend unto my prayer. From the ends of the earth, will I cry unto thee.

College and family and loved ones and just plain Life, will overwhelm and drain you. You can't do it all and neither can you control what others decide to do without informing you.

Love you mom...Love your financee'...Love your education goals But even more, 'Love" you. And don't be ashamed and neither hesitate to do so.

When all is said and done, it' still you who is responsible for you. And what good are you to anyone else, if you're in distress? None. God is setting your free from every yoke and bondage to 'please' others beyond your abilities. You are not designed to handle all of this. So you have nothing to feel bad about. God says "He knows your frame." Meaning, he knows your limits. And if He's not mad at you, than you have no fear or worries.

Let it all go. Have a good cry and set your goals and priorities. There's only one you to get it all done. Remember that.

((( Hugs )))

 

[seraphim712]

When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to that Rock that is higher than I...that is higher than I. Hear my cry O''God. Attend unto my prayer. From the ends of the earth, will I cry unto thee.

College and family and loved ones and just plain Life, will overwhelm and drain you. You can't do it all and neither can you control what others decide to do without informing you.

Love you mom...Love your financee'...Love your education goals But even more, 'Love" you. And don't be ashamed and neither hesitate to do so.

When all is said and done, it' still you who is responsible for you. And what good are you to anyone else, if you're in distress? None. God is setting your free from every yoke and bondage to 'please' others beyond your abilities. You are not designed to handle all of this. So you have nothing to feel bad about. God says "He knows your frame." Meaning, he knows your limits. And if He's not mad at you, than you have no fear or worries.

Let it all go. Have a good cry and set your goals and priorities. There's only one you to get it all done. Remember that.

((( Hugs )))

Instead of crying, I took a long nap But maybe I'll cry tonight in my room when only God is listening. I understand what you're saying, it's just that it gets very frustrating when I put my foot down, and I'm not mean to them, just firm. But people seem to get offended or upset when I do this and try to challenge me. It's like they're trying to see how far they can push before I snap and throw a pot of hot boiling grease on them and then beat them with the pot (sorry, that's what I feel like doing sometimes ).

 

[Je Ne Sais Quoi]

Aww sweetie, I know how you feel. I'm glad that you were able to write and get it all out. Now, just curious, but are you pmsing right now too? I know that for me when ever I'm pmsing I get EXTREMELY sensitive about things that bother/annoy me. It makes it even worse.

Well, regardless of that I understand where you are coming from and NO, I don't feel you are being selfish. People are funny and have underlying reasons for doing the things they do. Now, its up to you to determine if you want to find out "why" they say/do these things if...

 

[seraphim712]

Aww sweetie, I know how you feel. I'm glad that you were able to write and get it all out. Now, just curious, but are you pmsing right now too? I know that for me when ever I'm pmsing I get EXTREMELY sensitive about things that bother/annoy me. It makes it even worse.

Well, regardless of that I understand where you are coming from and NO, I don't feel you are being selfish. People are funny and have underlying reasons for doing the things they do. Now, its up to you to determine if you want to find out "why" they say/do these things if...

No, I'm not pmsing I, when that happens, I just shut myself in my room.

 

[**Tasha*Love**]

My life has always been like this. I am sorta easygoing but if the wrong button is pushed then a totally different side emerges. I seem to draw people that get upset with me and want to challenge me as well. But I have come to realize that I don't need those type of people in my life. They are manipulators and I will not be manipulated by anyone. I really think a person's niceness can be taken as a weakness. I have lived life with very few friends because I was always excluded out of group events. And do you realize that some people get enjoyment out of excluding others?? But as I get older I realize those "groups" weren't good for me and I could have gotten into alot of trouble trying to hang out with the wrong people. God does protect his own

Seraphim it's OK to get by yourself and have that good cry. God is listening and he knows your heart. Continue to put your foot down and if another person doesn't like it that's their problem not YOURS. It will hurt to have them upset with you but you have to protect YOUR heart. You can be a Christian and still stand up for what you believe in. God did not put us on this earth to be mistreated, misunderstood and walked over. Build your confidence and people will be drawn to the "NEW" you. The old friends may not understand you but they will eventually respect you. I hope today is a better day for you!

Instead of crying, I took a long nap But maybe I'll cry tonight in my room when only God is listening. I understand what you're saying, it's just that it gets very frustrating when I put my foot down, and I'm not mean to them, just firm. But people seem to get offended or upset when I do this and try to challenge me. It's like they're trying to see how far they can push before I snap and throw a pot of hot boiling grease on them and then beat them with the pot (sorry, that's what I feel like doing sometimes ).

 

[dede1174]

Don't worry girl I have felt this way most of my life. with my mom and friends. about 2 years ago i prayed and fasted and i finally and the nerve tto put my foot down. with my mom i told her i love her witha ll my heart but i am married and yes. i do need to consult my husband if i am sending you $300, why? a budget- her reply... i knew you would always put your so-called husband before me.if you cant give me $300 you re leaving beyond your means. May i say we have married for 9 yrs july 08 and have 2 kids??/

with my friends , i am the one who calls, i am the one who emails. ia m the one who organizes " get togethers" i finally realized that i did too much. i took time to fidn out what i really liked, who i really am and @ 31 that was an eye opengin journey. My whole i life i was lead to believe that if i didn't do things like everyone wanted me to do- i was selfish. it turns out that i was TOO NICE and they were the one that were selfish.

i prayed the most deffiuclt prayer of my life" Lord, let the person whoa re nor for me... that do not have my best intentiosn in mind., let them fall saway from me. let God fearing peopel who genuinely love me for me stay. After that prayer, ....well let's jsut say i had more than a couple of people never call me back again.

i prayed over myself and i called the spirit of depression to flee. ia m have been wide eyed and bushy tailed every since

 

[seraphim712]

Don't worry girl I have felt this way most of my life. with my mom and friends. about 2 years ago i prayed and fasted and i finally and the nerve tto put my foot down. with my mom i told her i love her witha ll my heart but i am married and yes. i do need to consult my husband if i am sending you $300, why? a budget- her reply... i knew you would always put your so-called husband before me.if you cant give me $300 you re leaving beyond your means. May i say we have married for 9 yrs july 08 and have 2 kids??/

with my friends , i am the one who calls, i am the one who emails. ia m the one who organizes " get togethers" i finally realized that i did too much. i took time to fidn out what i really liked, who i really am and @ 31 that was an eye opengin journey. My whole i life i was lead to believe that if i didn't do things like everyone wanted me to do- i was selfish. it turns out that i was TOO NICE and they were the one that were selfish.

i prayed the most deffiuclt prayer of my life" Lord, let the person whoa re nor for me... that do not have my best intentiosn in mind., let them fall saway from me. let God fearing peopel who genuinely love me for me stay. After that prayer, ....well let's jsut say i had more than a couple of people never call me back again.

i prayed over myself and i called the spirit of depression to flee. ia m have been wide eyed and bushy tailed every since

This sounds like something my mom would pull too. It seems like at times my mom would try an abuse the Honor Your Parents code and put me through a guilt trip in trying to enjoy my life. For example, my second year in college is when I met my boyfriend, he asked if I wanted to come down and meet his parents for Christmas. I agreed, but I wanted to pass it through to my parents first to see if was okay with them. Of course my mom said no, but the way she would pull this trick and it made me feel guilty. She would say 'If you don't listen to your parents or honor your parent's wishes, the Holy Spirit will intervene and something bad will happen. God doesn't allow disobedient children live out half their years.' It was like she was trying to put a death curse on me if I didn't run things by her first, and if I didn't tell her, my life will end quickly. This was also when I was intimidated by my mother.

After praying hard about it, and talking to others such as my Dad and aunt) I came to realize that I was an adult and no longer a child. I could make my own decisions and had sense enough to know right from wrong. I would always be my mom's daughter but no longer a little girl to be given orders to. Honoring your parents meant respecting and obeying your parents when you were under their authority, but when you yourself became an adult, it meant respecting your parents still, but you didn't have to take orders from them anymore (especially if they told you to do something that you knew was wrong), except when in their household.

So after relieving myself of that known burden, I went with my boyfriend to his parent's house for spring break. I let my dad, aunt, and uncle know that I would be down there for a week and left them my cell number, my boyfriend's cell number and his parent's cell and house numbers. I didn't let my mom know until I called to wish my older sister a happy birthday. Here's the scenario(This is after I spoken w/ my sister):

Mom: "So what are you doing today?"

Me: "Nothing much, I'm at my boyfriend's house watching t.v"

Mom: pauses_ "Oh...how long have you been down there?"

Me: "Since Monday." (It was Saturday when I had this conversation)

Mom: "Oh, okay just be careful and be safe."

Me: "I am. I made sure to let dad know where I was before I left"

Mom: " Okay then talk to later."

This is when the conversation ended until later that night when my boyfriend and I went to Walmart to get something for his dad and to pick his sister up from work.

Me: "Hi, mom"

Mom: "Hi, is your boyfriend's mom around? I would like to speak with her."

Me: "No, we're at Walmart right now, but as soon as we get back to his house I'll let her know that you want to speak to her."

Later back at my boyfriend's house, his mom said she didn't mind speaking to my mom and I called my mom again and let them both talk. I believe the call was about 30 min. After my boyfriend's mom hung up, she called me and my boyfriend to the living room.

BF's Mom: (to me) "How old are you?"

Me: "I'm 19 going on 20."

BF's Mom: "Your mom said that you didn't ask her permission first to come down to our house and I knew to ask her first."

Me: "I had informed my dad before I came on where I was going."

BF's Mom: "I know, I just thought it was funny how she was trying to get my son (my boyfriend) in trouble by saying that he didn't ask her permission either."

Me: sighs "He also spoke to my dad before I came down here."

The day, my mom calls me back and acted as if nothing happens and asks me if I can pay $200.00 (which is how much I used to get paid every two weeks at that time) on her cable bill.

I called my dad and told him what had happened and boy was he upset! He said "She wants you to ask her permission to go to your boyfriend's house but wants you to use your whole d*** paycheck to pay her cable bill!!!"

I couldn't help putting the little laughing icon there because it was funny how my dad said it even though he was upset. He told me not to pay because I needed my money for college and that she gets enough money from him to pay the bills.

I'm sorry if this was long, but it was one of the examples in what I was speaking about in my previous post.