My finace and his new female friend

[butterfly_wings]

Hi Ladies

How do you feel about your SO having female friends? I ask because my SO and I have a mutual friend, initially we met at a community event, I swapped numbers with her and he swapped numbers with her male friend. There was some confusion one day when we were all going out and he text the guy thinking it was him and it turned out that it was her number. Ever since then they talk on the phone and text, I usually it about her poetry and she is starting to dabble in that and he has been encouraging her.
It was my birthday this week and I wanted to go out to a club as I haven’t been out in a little while and I thought it would be nice, initially I was going with some of my friends, my SO possible his bro as it was his bday too and this mutual friend. SO and I fell out and I decided that I wanted it to be a girly night and he can go out elsewhere with his brother. I text our mutual friend to let her know the times. She called me (mu phone was on silent) then called him during a ‘discussion’ I said (in haste) oh well you have her and go out with her, meaning she would go out with him and his bro (bro and her have been spending time together but they are just friends), then he decided to go and tell her what I just said.

I am annoyed because I feel that as his fiancé she should respect the fact that what we say between us whether it is in lover or anger it should be between us. I feel that this chick knows my business.

She text me to say sorry she didn’t mean to cause any trouble and she will delete his number. I don’t want this as they are good friends, she is young and I guess she doesn’t fully understand a couples boundaries.

Did I handle it wrong, is what I said/done wrong?

Thanks, sorry it is so long

 

[hopeful]

Okay, that was a little confusing. Maybe re-read and a edit a bit? But from what I gathered I have the following thoughts:
1. He shouldn't have shared what you said to him.
2. After the first "mistake" they had no reason to continue talking and texting.
3. You and fh need to talk about what each of you believes to be reasonable boundaries.

 

[ThickHair]

Why did you tell him to go out with her and his brother? I don't understand.

 

[MissYocairis]

Okay, that was a little confusing. Maybe re-read and a edit a bit? But from what I gathered I have the following thoughts:
1. He shouldn't have shared what you said to him.
2. After the first "mistake" they had no reason to continue talking and texting.
3. You and fh need to talk about what each of you believes to be reasonable boundaries.

Thank you. OP. Please edit. You have words in there that change everything and I'm not sure you meant to do that. Who shared what with whom? I'm not sure if she shared something in confidence or he did. I don't understand why you two fell out. I don't get whether she has an SO and what his role in all of this is? We need clairification.

 

[jennboo]

It sounds like you are annoyed with the lady more than your SO. Common occurrence in these types of situations....the man is absolved of any shade and wrong-doing. Your fiance is the one who told her yall's business, she just lent an ear....he also agreed to going out with her, right? (lil confused).

I said it before and i'll say it again, there really is no reason for an SO to have a NEW female FRIEND...if it's a case where an SO was friends with a girl way before he met me, that's a bit different (but i still kinda frown upon it if they are uber friendly and buddy-buddy).

It gets messy, trust. Stuff happens, we're human. And if they keep texting and calling one another, there is likely some mutual attraction there. I guarantee if your SO thought she looked like a space ogre, he would not be keeping up contact. Nip it in the bud, how did they even get to be "really good friends"?

 

[Mai Tai]

I'm confuzzled...OP please edit.

 

[fmnnity]

Hi Ladies

I am annoyed because I feel that as his fiancé she should respect the fact that what we say between us whether it is in lover or anger it should be between us. I feel that this chick knows my business.

She text me to say sorry she didn’t mean to cause any trouble and she will delete his number.

Did I handle it wrong, is what I said/done wrong?

Thanks, sorry it is so long

Maybe . . .
I am annoyed because I feel that as his fiancé HE should respect the fact that what we say between us whether it is in lover or anger it should be between us.

There I fixed that for you. She cannot control what he chooses to tell her. What do you want her to do, remind him that he should not be disclosing the intimate details of a spat? No, that is between you and him.

Perhaps you should take her up on her offer to stop communicating with him IF your relationship is serious. As far as what you said, you might have been speaking out of anger or insecurity. Only you know the truth. Either way you should handle this with your SO and set some boundaries. I fear you might end up like that lady over in the other thread calling folks and threatening them over her suspicions. Not a good look.

 

[butterfly_wings]

Hi ladies, thanks for the reponses, I'll come back and clarafy in a bit as I really did not make sense did I, I was a bit upset.

 

[SoniT]

I think your fiancé was wrong to continue to talk and text this girl after he did it by "mistake" the first time. I know that I would be uncomfortable with that if It was my fiancé. He was also wrong to tell her what you said. Like another poster said, there's no reason for your SO to have NEW female friends. It can get very messy.

 

[Duff]

I think your fiance should not have said that to her, but I would let me fiance's number stay deleted from her phone. I dont like my friends and my man talking, friendly like without me. too much cause for confusion and poss more...

 

[msdeevee]

I'm confused!!!

 

[butterfly_wings]

Hi ladies sorry for the confusion

My SO and I met my friend (Samantha) and her friend (Ian) we thought they were a couple at first but then we discovered that they weren’t. I swapped numbers with Samantha and my SO swapped numbers with Keith. We all decided to do out to a comedy night one night and have been a couple of times since. I think Ian must have called my SO from Samantha’s number, the next time we tried to meet up mu SO called Ian at the second number that he saved thinking it was Ian’s but it was Samantha’s. Hope this makes sense so far.

Samantha has been starting to write potrey and my SO has been trying to encourage her as he used to also write poetry. so he used to give her advice.

In the meantime my so thought Samantha and his younger brother (Paul) would be good together so started setting them up, it worked out quite well, they spend time together but more as friends.

I got annoyed before as when we’re was out one day he was giving her relationship advice and decided to use me and one of our problems as an example, I said to him discreetly not to bring me into it, he then decided to say aloud that he was not allowed to talk about it, so that annoyed me and I get go of his hand, he then announced that too. I spoke to him about this later and said I felt that he was belittling me in front of her. He couldn’t see it.

Now the other day as we were having a disagreement I assumed that as it was his brothers birthday as well he was going to go out with him (I uninvited him from coming out with me) that he would also go out with Samantha as she is friendly with his brother Paul, even though I was the one who arranged the night out and intend her along. I made a comment and told him, go out that night with her as I thought that was what he was going to do anyway, and she was calling both of us at this time. This is when I rang her back and told her that he can’t be friends with her as it is too much hassle and he wants to be happy with me, she later text it to say sorry if she has caused any trouble and she will delete his number.

When I tried to call her back she no longer answers, I felt hurt as I felt I should have had the chance to explain what my issue was, it was not with her, it was with him telling her everything like our relationship is a guide book for her and her life. I am very private and don’t like people who I barley know knowing my business.

We have worked things out now but him and her no longer talk and she is not talking to me, I feel bad though as they were good friends.

What do you think?

Sorry it is so long, I hope I have explained it a bit better now though?!

​

 

[MissYocairis]

Well, first off, thank you SO much for reinterpreting the scenario again. I understood everything clearly the second time around.

I understand your frustration. It should have been handled solely with your SO. She was just getting to know you guys. It's your SO that was being insensitive to your feelings. I don't think he was intentionally being inappropriate, I just think he was clueless. It was a new dynamic and he crossed some lines.

Seems like women relate around each other a lot differently than men do. Where men may not feel uncomfortable sharing some things around acquaintances, women man...and it could be an "individual" thing as well. You are very private and your SO is someone who is not necessarily so. So, he is still learning what your need for privacy looks like in certain scenarios.

It's kinda too bad you told her she couldn't talk to your SO again because they very well may continue talking now behind your back. Especially if she's dealing with his brother or if he decides he want's to hook her up with another friend. You don't want them having an alliance that they hold apart from you. But, if she's not speaking to you or answering your calls, then it sounds like that damage is already done.

Sometimes, we can drive a mate away with our insecurity. And, this situation sounds like it's about more than your need for privacy. If your need for privacy was truly driving your emotions, you wouldn't have called her and told her that your SO wants to be happy with you. You would have called SO on the carpet about his blabbing off at the mouth in front of company and made him know how serious it was to you.

But calling her and telling her they cannot be friends because he wants to be happy with you sounds VERY much like insecurity....in which case, if you want to keep your relationship, you are going to have to deal with those feelings on a personal level so they don't keep popping up and manifesting in ugly ways.

Keep examining yourself and your response. Ask yourself where that feeling is coming from. Be honest about it. Really honest.

 

[firecracker]

Your SO shouldn't be talking to her, let alone telling her what you said. If it doesn't make dollars, it doesnt make sense!

 

[BroadstreetBully]

This type of situation is always asking for confusion.

 

[ThickHair]

I completely agree with Smuckie_Slick. I think you made it deeper than what it was. Good luck.

 

[butterfly_wings]

Hi thanks fot your replies, he called her and tolde her that it is too much hassle and we won't be calling her anymore. I didn't ask him to do this, and I wish he didn't.

Yeah I guess I did, but I just don't like it, if he is going to talk about things that in hindsight aren't that big of a deal what happens about the big stuff is he going to be talking about that too.

Maybe I was insecure without even realising it, but at the same time there needs to be boundaries I my feelings should be put before another womans that has nothing to do with us.

Not sure what to do now, they might see each other again, through his brother perhaps, no sure how I can clear the air, if I text her and explain it might be a bit werid, but i guess i have to determine how much i want to fix it, her and i do work it out then i don't think is should go back to them speaking all the time!

 

[hopeful]

I would not text or call her. I'd let it go. Focus on yourself and your fh. FH was wrong and so was she. I don't think she is as sweet and innocent as she acts. You and your fh need to make sure you are on the same page regarding boundaries and new opposite sex friends.

 

[butterfly_wings]

Yeah, your right, thanks

 

[kbragg]

Ugh I hate to be a doomsayer but this whole situation sounds shady to me and my instincts are telling me that SO and chick are hooking up and his bro is just a cover. I could be wrong, but that's the feeling I get in my gut reading both versions It seems like that may have possibly been your subconscious conclusion as well reading between the lines. Women's intuition is very real IMO.

 

[NYLegalNewbie]

Most of my comments below are just in general.

I don't believe in having blanket prohibitions on when or if an SO can develop friendships. I think it's not only unfair, but unrealistic and can actually even promote the damage you seek to contain. However, there's good reason for people to be worried about their SOs talking to new people from the opposite sex - many intimate relationships can develop from friendships. There is such a thing as "emotional infidelity" and it can be every bit as damaging as physical infidelity.

The key no matter what, I think, is to always communicate your own feelings about the circumstances. If your SO is speaking to a new woman, and it makes you feel uncomfortable (and/or you know there are certain things you don't want discussed) SAY SOMETHING. His reaction to your feelings will be very telling. A man who takes your feelings into account and makes adjustments in his behavior (or completely cuts things off) is obviously the kind of man you want to be around. A man who immediately becomes defensive and/or calls you insecure...well, you need to take a second look at him.

My last ex-boyfriend taught me that men who tend to think that they can do WHATEVER (even if it makes you feel uncomfortable) tend to do WHATEVER.

 

[msdeevee]

I agree with Hopeful leave it alone. This is btwn you and your fiancee.

However, they were out of bounds and I'm not sure that it was all innocence.

A man and a woman texting each other and developing that type of relationship is asking for trouble. In my opinion it is inappropriate when he is committed to me.

I don't blame her for not answering once you called and told her how you felt. What could she say if she's innocent ? What could she say if she's guilty?

Leave her alone and keep a side-eye on the situation.

 

[butterfly_wings]

Ugh I hate to be a doomsayer but this whole situation sounds shady to me and my instincts are telling me that SO and chick are hooking up and his bro is just a cover. I could be wrong, but that's the feeling I get in my gut reading both versions It seems like that may have possibly been your subconscious conclusion as well reading between the lines. Women's intuition is very real IMO.

No nothing was happening, I'm sure of that, maybe I was was just threatened about her

 

[BroadstreetBully]

As a single female, I feel like I'd have nothing in common with an engaged/married man. If we were friends before the commitment/engagement/marriage that's one thing--but even then there are lines drawn. However, if I were to meet a committed/engaged/married guy today, I'd have no interest in a friendship. Even if there were no romantic intentions, I'm not trying to text and hang out with a guy who has a serious SO. So I have no idea how this whole thing got this far but it is just asking for trouble.

 

[butterfly_wings]

^^Looking back on it I'm not sure what I was thinking, how could that have been ok. Everything happens for a reason and I'm glad this came out now.

I was speaking about it with him today and apperently his brother said he can undertand what I would be upset and how, she was talking about my fh when her and his bro were on their first date, should they have been talking about they 2 of them?! And how she has said she wants to be in a relationship like ours, I didn't think much of that at first until now, my FH now finds that strange.

 

[Kerryann]

FH shouldnt have kept texting this woman after first mistake. She has nothing to do with anything its all him